How do I deal with a toxic "friend"?
March 9, 2013 6:35 AM Subscribe
I'm trying to figure out what to do about an acquaintance now, who used to be a good friend, but is now just manipulative, lying, and spiteful.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
So, I met this guy, Andrew, about 5 years ago. He was actually one of the first people I met when I moved to a city. We met when we joined a soccer team together and he has been a friend ever since. This guy can be loud, obnoxious, has to be right, has to win, etc. etc.... BUT he can also be very sweet. I know he has self-esteem issues... he confided in me that he didn't have many friends in high school and was extremely lonely.
I dated a guy a couple of years ago who I thought was the love of my life. He coldly broke up with me without any closure and I was devastated. I confided in Andrew, and I admit, I definitely talked crap about my ex to him at my lowest and most angry point (about a week after my ex broke up with me). Andrew told me that he never liked my ex and I together, and was a good listener throughout that hard time.
While this was all going on, a lot of Andrew's guy friends were moving away or getting married (we're all in our late 20's). He began hanging out with my ex and his best friend a lot. I eventually found out months later that Andrew went back and told my ex everything I had said. I was shocked and hurt! Especially because it was the only time I spoke badly of my ex. I was trying to avoid drama and he made it so much worse.
Andrew, my ex and I share a lot of mutual friends so I see them somewhat regularly, although I no longer speak to either of them. Andrew tries to be my friend when my ex isn't around, but if he is, he's rude to me or tries to embarrass me. He loves making fun of others to try and fit in (including making fun of me). If I'm around, he'll say things about my ex hooking up with other women loud enough for me to hear... It's childish! I can't figure out where this came from except that he tried to flirt and ask me out (out of the blue) when my ex broke up with me and I turned him down.
I realize now, that Andrew just wants to fit in and be cool with them at my expense. They're all extremely immature. I know I should just ignore him, but he's lied to other friends at my expense. I would love to stay away from them, but unfortunately that's not an option with this many mutual friends and the fact that we still play soccer (so I see him regularly). We were such good friends at one time, now I just feel as betrayed as when my ex left me out of the blue. I'm too old for this high school drama, but I hate the way he used me. Any advice how to approach this situation? I feel like I'm too involved in it to think rationally.