What is right and what is wrong?
March 9, 2013 5:16 AM   Subscribe

Should I try fixing it, or just leave the man alone?

For a long time I was going to post a question about weither or not I should stay with my fiance. My life felt like it was falling apart, but I suddenly realized I didn't need to ask the question anymore because I refuse to deny my hearts true doubts and we left eachother.

After 6 years of being faithful to my partner, and 6 months of being scared to death of what was going to happen if I lost him it felt like I was loosing myself. I involved myself with another man only days after we broke it off. This is still quite fresh as it is only maybe 4 weeks now since this happened. But my confidence and self respect have taken a gigantic blow. I don't feel like I can trust myself to make the right decisions, and it is killing me and making it hard for me to keep up with my studies.

The other man confessed to me after only a week that he would require some time to fall in love, and asked me to respect this and give him time. What happened next is indescribable to me, because I told him I was not prepared to wait in the hopes that one day he would "like me back". He cried and asked if we then could be friends, wich I refused. The next morning I realized what a complete idiot I had been and asked for forgiveness and understanding that, considering I havent been single for 6 years, I just really didn't want to be alone. But he never replied. Now it has gone over one week since the insident and I am terrifyed to my core of bumping into him. I am afraid of what I will say, I am afraid of what he will say, i am afraid of what I will feel, and what he will think of me for trying to push him into something serious so early on.

I beg of you not to judge me to hard for diving head first into a new "relationship" so soon, I have been trying so hard to respect my former partner and everything has been so difficult. But if I cant get some thoughts on what I am going to do with this new guy that may or may not like me at all anymore, I will go crazy. Truly I really wish I could take it all back and start over with him with a clear head, but I cant. I feel like I need some time to sort it all out, but I am still afraid of how I am going to deal with this situation when I eventually bump into him! Should I ask for another chance? Should I leave him to his thoughts? He may not even wish to talk to me! Please, help! :(
posted by Strangepassenger to Human Relations (17 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Smile at him and walk past. Don't talk to him. No need. You'll be fine.
posted by taff at 5:34 AM on March 9, 2013


Just be polite to him as if he was an acquaintance. Don't ignore him, but don't make a big scene. You've already apologized and he hasn't responded. I would suggest you take that to mean he isn't interested in dealing with you.

I would also suggest you take some time being single and get your bearings back.
posted by Area Man at 5:35 AM on March 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


Best answer: I am still afraid of how I am going to deal with this situation when I eventually bump into him! Should I ask for another chance? Should I leave him to his thoughts? He may not even wish to talk to me! Please, help! :(

Just say hello and go about your business. There is nothing more to say with this new person. You are emotionally fragile following the very recent end of a long relationship, and you have not dealt with those emotions yet, nor figured out what you even want for yourself in the future. Each relationship teaches us things about ourselves and our preferences and our needs, and you need to take some time to figure out what wisdom you can take away from your 6-year relationship before embarking on a new one.

Don't feel bad about what happened with the new guy. Your high emotions were understandable given your recent breakup, and his response was understandable too, as he probably recognized that you were still entangled emotionally in your previous relationship. It's only fair that a new person wouldn't want to take that on. No judgment there, it happens to everyone so be kind to yourself. Take some time alone and gain some emotional distance from your old relationship. It's best to become more confident and comfortable with yourself on your own before entering into a new relationship.
posted by headnsouth at 5:37 AM on March 9, 2013 [8 favorites]


It'll be awkward if you do bump into him; just remind yourself to breathe and be cordial, like you were meeting someone at a party who you didn't know really well but had met a couple times before and enjoyed talking to.

And you didn't ask this question, but - please, forgive yourself for this happening. Some kind of dating/relationship/interpersonal weirdness always happens after a breakup; you're in a state of grieving, even though no one died, and you are not quite in your right mind. Taking some time alone is always recommended, but - hell, things happen; forgive yourself and chalk it up to "well, there's Exhibit A for Why I Shouldn't Date Yet. Good to know."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:41 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


It sounds to me like you have a lot to work out still ("I don't feel like I can trust myself to make the right decisions", your fear of being alone) before you start a healthy relationship with someone else. And maybe the new guy realized that, hence trying to negotiate to take it slow and then breaking it off entirely.

The best thing you can do -- for your own sense of equilibrium and dignity, and also to respect his decision -- is to be lightly courteous if you run into him, but no more. Do not re-apologize, do not ask for another chance, do not worry about what might be in his head. Try to avoid spending more mental energy envisioning this meeting than you have to, because that will just build up the awkwardness.

Instead, take a deep breath and focus on getting to know yourself again, as a person separate from the engagement you recently left. What are you like when your fiance isn't around? Is there stuff you've wanted to try, to experience or accomplish, that got set aside because of that relationship? Invest your energy in yourself rather than in worrying about the new guy. That is ultimately a more likely route to both self-confidence and a healthy new relationship anyhow.
posted by shattersock at 5:49 AM on March 9, 2013


Just to give a different perspective, I'd say try emailing/texting/leaving a message one last time, only to give him your brief but sincere apology. I think it would help you forgive yourself and move on, as well as giving the guy a final opportunity to understand the situation and feel better. However, I'd only recommend this if you've collected and processed your thoughts and ready to let go and move on, meaning only when you're not feeling like "I don't feel like I can trust myself". If you're still confused, clinging on to this guy and hoping to get another chance, then you should follow all the advice above.
posted by snufkin5 at 6:05 AM on March 9, 2013


Also just don't think about it. Running scenarios through your head is always so much worse than the reality and just makes one crazy. (... don't ask me how I know ; -)
posted by sammyo at 6:26 AM on March 9, 2013


chalk it up as one of the casualties of your breakup and try not to worry about it. Take some time to breathe and rest and figure out what you like and how to be happily single before you jump back into the pool. It'll be ok.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:06 AM on March 9, 2013


Just leave him alone. Take "no answer" as a "no" answer, here. If you see him, be polite but I think you should avoid engaging in resurrecting this conversation.

It feels complicated but to me, it seems pretty simple -- you were both honest with each other and it's not a good fit.
posted by sm1tten at 8:38 AM on March 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


If the new guy is a decent, thoughtful person he'll recognize that you are in a hard patch in your life. He'll go out of his way to make it non-confrontational when you inevitably meet.

You say hello and move on. Then you breathe deeply and be grateful that meeting is behind you.
posted by 26.2 at 8:56 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's probably better that you did end it, and it seems like you were true to yourself, at least when you did. I believe your second thoughts to be tied up in your feeling of not wanting to be alone.

But it's most likely best for you to be alone, at least right now. You were in a long relationship that wasn't right for you and you got involved with another guy days after you broke it off with your fiance (if I'm reading correctly). Give yourself some time to get to know you again, to really know what you want in a relationship, and what you don't want.

It's okay to be alone. It really, really is.
posted by cooker girl at 9:05 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


New guy aside, I recommend forcing yourself to be single for a while. My guess is you haven't really been single since you started dating, which was probably in high school. I'm talking at least a year. You can be single and happy. You will be stronger for doing it, learning better how to be independent and finding out that you are just fine by yourself or just with your friends.
posted by cman at 9:12 AM on March 9, 2013


Best answer: Another vote for be polite and acknowledging, but do not try to engage unless he initiates. And then it sounds like a discussion best taken somewhere beyond "bumping into each other."

And then the sincere apology thing snufkin5 suggests, with the apology being for what you are really sorry for (perhaps not reacting more compassionately to his breakdown in response to your response?). And then quiet acceptance of what his reactions are, and, if you feel like you are getting wound up, open your mouth only to say, "I acknowledge what you're saying. I feel too wound up to continue. Please excuse me. Thank you." And then high-tail it out of there.

When stuff like this is bugging me, I really do find it helpful to have a script ready; then I feel better prepared to make all the points I want to make, while being able to listen to what the other side is saying, since I'm not wasting brain power trying to reach my own conclusion while they're communicating.

There is really no harm/no foul in your description of what happened, in my reading ... what I am trying to say is that there is nothing to "fix". You were both spectacularly honest in your statements of what you believe, both of you seem to hold conflicting beliefs within yourselves, and with each other, not placing this union in a very good position to function for the long term. Sad, but please consider you have other issues to focus on right now.

I told him I was not prepared to wait in the hopes that one day he would "like me back"

Look, I really do want to applaud your initial reaction. I am sure this fellow was trying to be sincere and straightforward in his pronouncements to you, but people can be brutal and awful and egotistical when they are trying to be honest, and I have found pronouncements along the lines of "I might love you later, might not" to be hurtful and confusing. I think the crux of the matter is each side is not using the term "love" with the same meaning, and what to him is some logical assessment of his emotional state to you sounds like he is taking you for a test drive while having a clear field to check out other models. Awful. You have every right to want the person you are dating to want to be with you, 98.6–100%, right now.

I also think that a "friend" relationship after such a connection gone awry is not realistic for some people. All this to say there was nothing wrong with what you said and felt and you cannot take responsibility for his reaction.

"… considering I havent been single for 6 years, I just really didn't want to be alone"

And I think you are being honest here as well, and again, nothing wrong with feeling this way! But I would like to say, to me, it seems conflicted. If you want your partner to be liking you back from the get-go then, no, you really don't just want to be not-alone!

And consider that he might be conflicted as well in that, while he wants the ablility to date girls without offering them positive affirmation and commitment, he doesn't want to hear that the person he's chosen to be with for now is with him because he happened to be conveniently present. People don't always want to eat what they dish out.

So, to get back to your question, I think you should take time to sort it all out. Absolutely. Think of whatever issues that broke up your 6-year relationship as a dog that has it's teeth sunk into your butt. That pain drove you in the right direction! But it is inappropriate that the critter should still be dangling off there, apparent for all who get close to you to see, so time to unlock it's jaw.

I really feel that, from your description of things, you are in touch with your own feelings on the matters of partnerships and love, and that if you work on having communication tools that engage when emotions run high that you can move forward with life and any relationship, familial, social, professional included, with the confidence that you have communicated your heart and mind to the best of your ablility with no regrets.

So, all this blabbity to say that I think writing out a script will help with this anxiety. And then put it aside for set intervals and make academic and professional concerns the distraction from all this emotional drama. Literally. Like, "For every 45 minutes I spend studying/researching/etc., I get a four minute break to eat and go to the bathroom then 11 minutes to ponder/journal/cry/whatever." Whatever structure works for you.

It's unrealistic to say put it aside altogether, but you can set it up as kind of the reward toward your short-term progress on school, and that, in the big picture of things having professional accomplishments will give you the freedom to forge the long-term partnership you want, right? Because you are not dependent on another party for either financial support or for affirmation that you are a capable contributer.

I am afraid of what I will say, I am afraid of what he will say, i am afraid of what I will feel … afraid of how I am going to deal

So I am waving my magical internet buttinsky wand and giving you hugs and dispelling all this fear. You do not need to be afraid of stuff that hasn't happened yet and might never happen at all. You do not need to picture stuff happening that reinforces this feeling that your emotional life — when not a total bliss-falls — must be this awful looming dread-nought of unsolvable conundra. You do not need to fear your feelings or expressing them to the best of your abilities, ever. Your feelings are just other kinds of thoughts you are having. They are there to help you. All the best.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 9:17 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Others have mentioned you still have some self work to do, and I'm sure you are aware of this. I don't think you should beat yourself up over what you said to the new guy, as this is all part of the process. In fact, I encourage you to continue expressing your feelings to him and to other people and not try to control these relationships through your actions and words. Be yourself, say what you feel, experience the outcome as it is and don't try to judge it. Keep moving and doing what your doing, it's exactly the right thing. If you hold back and hold it in, you will not grow.
posted by waving at 9:41 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Take one day off from this. I mean set aside a day to be you and to make no decisions or heavy thinking about the issues with either guy. During the set aside day, any time you start thinking about the new guy remind yourself you are taking today off from this and go back to what you are doing. Also any time you feel like being worried about the old partner, say the same thing to yourself.

Long-term start working on giving yourself a break. Anytime you have a tough thought about yourself acknowledge it and then tell yourself you don't have to believe it. Repeat that.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:02 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


If a guy is into you, he doesn't say "give me some time to feel like I'm into you." I think your instincts may well have been right when you saw a red flag. You didn't cause the awkwardness, by the way. It comes from the situation, and it's very possible neither of you did anything wrong.
posted by wryly at 11:07 AM on March 9, 2013


You did nothing wrong -- stood up for yourself in a vulnerable situation -- and have nothing to be so mortified over. Just let go of the entire event, including the guy, let the storm of emotions pass and the waves inside you settle down. A big breakup takes some time for your mind to digest.
posted by ead at 3:55 PM on March 10, 2013


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