I either want us to be friends or friends who sometimes kiss.

March 5, 2013 5:25 AM

I can't tell if my friend's best friend has a thing for me. We made out on Saturday after going out. Does he, in fact, like me, and what can I do to work through the awkwardness?

My friend A has a really good friend, B. A introduced me to B soon after A and I became friends a year ago. B and I were friendly with each other in the sense that we could have conversations in car rides to events or hanging out together with A, but since B and I don't hang out by ourselves without A, I never considered us anything more than acquaintances. Fast forward to last month, where I was in an abysmal student theater production and I assumed no one would come so I told A to invite some people. Only A and B came, and it meant a lot to me that B showed up since truth be told, I've always kinda had a thing for him but was/am too much of a wuss to say anything. It also surprised me because I had A invite B to a party I was hosting in the middle of January, but B did not attend, so I thought we weren't at the level of acquaintanceship for him to want to come to my things.

A day after that, B asked me why I'd never gone out with A, B and their other friends. I said that I was supposed to once but they didn't go on that planned outing. B acted surprised because they had indeed gone out and A confessed that he forgot to let me know. B then said I should come out with them when they went out the following weekend. B picked me up for the event and when I got in the car, he asked me right away if I wanted to go out again with them next weekend. I didn't think much of it, only that maybe B was finally making overtures of friendship. At the event, we all danced together as a group of 8 people, but B and I soon found ourselves alone. It began as goofy, drunk dancing but eventually he pulled me closer and we kissed and would continue to kiss periodically and hold hands through the night. Once, I left to go to the restroom and came back to find B dancing with another girl. Since I thought the kissing and hand-holding were just drunk caught-up-in-the-moment things, I did my own thing for a while, but B found his way back to me and we stayed together the entire night. We shared a taxi home (fraught with hand-holding and flirting), but I went to my place alone. B texted me shortly thereafter asking me to come over. Knowing how drunk he was, I told him that I was going to let him sober up. (My reason for this was because I couldn't tell if B actually liked me or was just drunk and horny, and I didn't want something that was a Big Deal to me being a one-off thing for him.)

A few days later, I went over to A's house and B was also visiting. There was alcohol and I imbibed. Drunkenly, I initiated a conversation about what happened, esp. about whether this was just a one-time fluke or if it would happen again next time we went out. B was evasive, save for saying that we'll figure it out some other time and maybe I should wear less attractive clothing next time we went out. The conversation ended prematurely because I got ill and left to black out in another room. So the conservation that was meant to clear things up didn't do anything useful.

And now, not knowing if B even likes me at all and having brought it up while pissed off my face drunk and with the other factor that all that making out has made me all wobbly-kneed about B but I'm too afraid to hear that he doesn't like me, he just wanted a warm body, I've avoided B (which is difficult because it means avoiding A). I don't want to burden him with another Very Serious Conversation to clarify things, but with that, how do I a) figure out how he feels about me and b) face him after making an ass of myself?

If it's relevant, we are all 23 and single. I'm a cis-het female and A and B are cis-het males.

TL; DR: My friend's best friend and I made out, but I'm too awkward to even try to unpack that situation with his friend. How should I go about this? Even if this were not to end in confessions of attraction, how do I bury my feelings for B so that we can actually be friends?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Drunkenly, I initiated a conversation about what happened...

I mostly agree with Rodrigo, but there does exist the possibility that the conversation didn't happen the way you think it did. Either way, this is entirely too much drama for basically the second day of this relationship. B is not as into you as you are into him. That doesn't mean you can't ever talk to him, or to A. Not everyone you are into is going to be into you, and vice versa.
posted by Etrigan at 5:34 AM on March 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Drunkenly, I initiated a conversation about what happened, esp. about whether this was just a one-time fluke or if it would happen again next time we went out. B was evasive, save for saying that we'll figure it out some other time and maybe I should wear less attractive clothing next time we went out.

Well, I have no idea what the clothing thing meant. That seems like a total dick comment on its face. But it is generally not a great idea to have a "what are we?" talk so early into a relationship and definitely not when you're on the edge of black-out drunk.

Truth is that you don't have a relationship. You and he went out once with a group of friends. If you had asked him out for coffee or something else in a less drinky setting, maybe you'd get to know each other better one on one and you could get a positive answer to your question.

But now you're avoiding him. What message does that send? "I don't like you, B!" is the one I'd be picking up.

So if you want anything to happen with this guy (and, honestly, I'm not getting a good guy vibe from him), then you have to ask him out for a meal and you have to get to know each other in a clearer light that only comes with being sober.
posted by inturnaround at 5:36 AM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

It sounds like B was just looking for a good time on a Saturday night and not anything more serious. Sorry, dear.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:44 AM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

This is not going anywhere serious. Maybe try dating with less alcohol involved?
posted by oceanjesse at 6:10 AM on March 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm sure A knows. Ask him.

I really don't think you can use drunk talks as truth. For one, you don't know how you came across -- maybe you came across like he'd taken advantage of you and he was embarrassed. Maybe he was drunk enough when you went out to make a move on you, but not drunk enough the second time to admit he liked you. Maybe other people were in hearing range and he felt awkward. Maybe you were just a piece of ass and he's only looking for hookups.

Also you haven't come across like you like like him, to him. You made out with him while drunk -- he has no idea what you're feeling. You don't generally go out with them and now stopped again -- that's very easy to read as not interested.

If you really want to find out, either ask A, or go out with the group again in a non-alcohol context and do some light flirting with B and see how he responds. It is too early to be having Talks, but if you want a good idea of where he's at, don't let alcohol into the mixture.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:10 AM on March 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

For you to get any clarity on this you're going to have to hang out with him in a sober setting. The alcohol is making everything way more complicated, so take that out of the equation. Ask him to go do something, just the two of you, and have that be something that doesn't involve alcohol. Go to the zoo. Go see a movie. Go for coffee. Go for a walk along a trail. Whatever. You haven't spent enough sober "real" time with him to know what is going on, and initiating the "what are we" conversation early and drunkenly didn't help.


also, his "don't wear such attractive clothing" seems pretty dickish. Maybe it was meant jokingly and we're taking it out of context, but I don't know... that seems pretty dickish.

Also, agreed with DoubleLune. A probably knows what is going on, so ask them.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:12 AM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

You need to have a sober conversation about what happened and what you want to do.

I mean, if you still want to after him pulling that "don't be so attractive in my presence" bullcrap. (Personally, a comment like that would kill the hottest-burning crush I could possibly generate, and if anyone I was crushing on said something like that I'd be done.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:16 AM on March 5, 2013 [6 favorites]

One thing I desperately, desperately wish I'd known when I was 23 (other than "exercise and floss!"): if a guy, 1. Really likes you, and 2. Is worth pursuing, you will not, not, NOT!!! have to perform any emotional self-flagellation or mental acrobatics to know it. He'll LET you know. I promise.
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:30 AM on March 5, 2013 [13 favorites]

The "don't wear attractive clothing" thing sounded like a total flirty joke to me, but YMMV. Nthing that the only way to get to the bottom of this is to approach it while sober. You don't necessarily have to have a Big Deal Conversation about it, but just stay sober during your next few encounters and you'll figure it out.
posted by BlahLaLa at 6:45 AM on March 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

If you don't want to be confused and agonizing over this, then DON'T wheedle A about it and DON'T get drunk and make out with B anymore. B doesn't like you except as something to bone when he's drunk. Don't get drunk and nosh him again unless you've 100% accepted it for what it is.

If you're looking for boyfriend material, look elsewhere.
posted by mibo at 6:47 AM on March 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm going to say that yes, B likes you, but is really shitty in expressing his fondness. (Mind you, you haven't been exactly clear to him yourself.)

The dancing with another girl, the dickish comment about how you dress -- it's all this weird positive validation by negative stimulus that's pretty standard for 23 yr old boys.

So yeah, he likes you. Whether he's someone to have a relationship with is another matter.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:48 AM on March 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

The impression I get is that you can't rule out B liking you.

I don't like him very much, though.
posted by tel3path at 8:16 AM on March 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

Try spending more time with this guy in circumstances that don't involve dancing and/or drinking and then you'll be better able to figure this out.
posted by Dansaman at 9:14 AM on March 5, 2013

He had a fun time making out with you one night because you were looking good to him and his inhibitions were lowered. The most you can really expect out of this guy is the sort of relationship where he calls you to come fuck him when he's drunk.

If you were sloshed while having that follow-up conversation with him I'm assuming he wasn't dead sober himself, either, so maybe he's just a dick and maybe he isn't, but it's not important. If i were in your situation, I would take some time and space away from him because it isn't going to go the way you want it to.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:52 AM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm entirely with captain Renault on this. I'm a slightly awkward guy that age, who excels at awkwarding up conversations about these types of things.

The magic 8 ball on this one says "closed now, come back later!"

I really think you just have to spend more time with him and see what happens. I don't particularly think he sounds like a dick from this info, but I think it's both impossible to really tell that, or how he feels from it either.

Would you be overly hurt if it didn't work out? Are you definite looking for a Serious Relationship™? Those are the only two reasons I could see to not just keep hanging out with him and see where it takes you.

And hell, even then, several good relationships I've had started really ambiguously like this for the first couple occasions of hanging out. I just think its way too early to tell anything, and that there's a bit of beanplating going on here.

Pretty much, just hang out with him. And asking him how he feels/what this is this early on will probably just push him away, and make you seem like one of those people who wants to be in a relationship after two dates. Give it a few weeks or a month at least, having hung out a couple times a week or something. Go on some middle of the day sober date like activities(or at least, start them out as such).
posted by emptythought at 10:54 AM on March 5, 2013

I agree that A will know. Will A tell you what's going on?

To me, the "we can figure it out later" and "don't wear such attractive clothing" comments seem to string you along and put all the respnsibility on you for what has transpired (and may in the future).

It seems very different than if he said "I'm interested in seeing where this goes" and "I find you very attractive" even though it can kinda sorta sound like the same thing if that's what you want to hear.
posted by loveyallaround at 11:12 AM on March 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

You like him. He thinks you are attractive. You guys made out. Just call him and ask him out while you are sober and stop making relationships more complicated than they need to be.
posted by empath at 1:03 PM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Okay, look, maybe B does like you but thinks you don't like him and is hiding the shame of anticipated rejection behind drunkenness (but of course I don't really feel that way about you! I was drunk!) and superciliousness.

That's not really a good place to hide affection, though. I wouldn't be much motivated to look behind them, but you can if you want to. He is only 23, he may just be a product of evasive hookup culture.

Normally, in matters of romance, I approve of the delicate dance of ambiguity and wince at the oafish, nerdy idea that everything must be stated explicitly and while chaperoned by a therapist at all times.

However, this doesn't sound like the delicate dance of ambiguity, it just sounds like poor communication and evasive hookup culture.

Ask him out on a date while sober, using the word "date", with a definite venue and timestamp attached. If he goes back to being evasive or skulky at any point, cut him loose. You don't need to become a dude-whisperer just to get more noncommital mumblings that don't even quite commit to being insults.
posted by tel3path at 3:40 PM on March 5, 2013

To be blunt, on first read I really think that you kinda tossed yourself in his path and he batted you away. But context is everything that reading on the internet is not. Honestly, this could go either way but you'd need to spend more time with him - preferably sober - to find out. You may find, upon actually getting to know him, that you don't even like him.

Or you could just ask A.

Really, I wish I had spent more time just asking than guessing in my early 20s. Would have saved a ton of time.
posted by sm1tten at 4:37 PM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mod note: Please less with the bold text and all caps in answers. No need to shout in Ask, people will read a comment just as well in normal text.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:05 PM on March 5, 2013

OK, I know it is kind of late but this is an anonymous question so there is no other way to contact you, and at any rate I have been you. As in, I could literally have written every word of this. Based on my experience, the following things will happen:

1. It will happen again. That is to say, who knows whether it'll happen again, but I've literally been on the receiving end of the "hey, it didn't mean anything, just so you know" spiel, and then it happened again.
2. It will go poorly. That is to say, maybe it won't, but I recognize enough warning signs in this (the evasivenness, for one) that I feel safe predicting it.
2a. You will want to talk to A about this, but that will probably not happen.
3. You'll lose B as a friend, which you will probably be OK with - but you will also likely lose A as a friend, as being his best friend, A will take B's side. Considering A and B are both guys, this is even more likely.

I've been down that road. There is nothing but drama (for you) and dick-wetting (for him) down that road. If it's at all possible to start dating someone else, I recommend doing so right away. (Before he does.)
posted by dekathelon at 5:29 PM on March 14, 2013