Separated From My Husband: The Blamer
March 4, 2013 11:59 PM Subscribe
My husband and I separated a couple months ago. Married 2 years. I'm going back and forth about whether our marriage is possibly salvageable or not. My main issue with him is that he blames me, a lot and frequently. He has trouble taking responsibility for his own emotional state and behavior.
posted by WelcomeCat to human relations (62 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Often I feel as though I don't like him, but I know that underneath I do love him. We have had a ton of arguments (which I have become very very tired of) during which he will push my buttons. He will pick something I feel touchy about and I will succumb and feel ashamed and angry and defensive.
The fight then spirals around to his demanding that I make an complex assessment of "facts" that he lays out. The "facts" usually consist of a negative account of my behavior that I disagree with from the outset. He will ask a certain question, based on the "facts." I say I don't know the answer to the question because I don't agree with the "facts." And so blaming ensues about me not answering the question, about me being defensive and not admitting the truth about my behavior. He pursues me verballyuntil I leave the room, or the house, or acquiesce and apologize.
If this reads as confusing, it's a total mindf**k to be in the middle of.
Today, I was feeling sad about something, and said so when he asked. He told me that he didn't deserve that (me having this negative feeling in his vicinity- not about him). He didn't want to be exposed to my feeling, and that it was a burden to have to deal with it. I said, my feeling is not about you, you don't have to fix it, and that I felt like he was telling me my feeling wasn't okay. He's said, "Of course it's okay, you just shouldn't present it to me to deal with." What?
There was a time in our relationship when I wasn't doing that great emotionally, wasn't the most open, or loving partner as a struggled to recover from some childhood abuse. But I am dogged. I pursued recovery relentlessly and became a pretty reasonably person to have a relationship with for the last 18 months or so.
As I was recovering, he sank into alcohol abuse and that sucked in the ways that alcohol abuse sucks. But he says he quit after we separated. He's living with some fairly healthy family members.
It's not that he doesn't have any legitimate beef with me. God knows I'm not perfect. I sucked for a while as I struggled with childhood abuse, but I made good, and quickly. But he doesn't want to let go of grudges. He says he doesn't feel listened to and says this is why he is so upset, but it's hard to listen to him when there is such intense blame coming out of his mouth, and not a lot else.
He doesn't see himself as blaming me by default nearly constantly. He just sees me as culpable. What bugs me about this man is the the lack of insight into his motivations and feelings. He doesn't see himself as manipulative and I do. Even if I love him, even if I have compassion for him.
One of the biggest grudges he harbors is that sometimes I don't think he is aware of what he is doing and why. But that's what I do think about him. I think this is true to some degree for nearly everyone, but he won't accept me thinking it about him.
We are separated. We see each other a lot due to circumstance. I was looking to improve our relationship even if we ultimately break up.
What do you do about this type of person?? Can you influence them in a healthy way towards more awareness? Is this the type of thing marriages come back form the brink from?