Give Fudge To A Diabetic?

February 28, 2013 1:17 PM

My mother in law has traditionally made and taken big bags of fudge to her friends and family for the holidays. I was startled to learn that she continues to take gallon-sized bags of fudge to a family friend who is a diabetic. My husband sees nothing wrong with this. It shocked me that anyone would do that. Is it just me, am I over-reacting?

Apparently the man's wife always intercepts the fudge when my mother in law brings it over. My mother in law says that the man loves the fudge and should be able to have some at the holidays. As I understand it she brings several gallon sized ziplock bags full of fudge to the family. My husband says its OK because the wife will control how much the husband eats and "its tradition" for his mother to give this kind of gift. Apparently the wife is resigned to these gifts but complains that the husband shouldn't be eating the fudge.

I know absolutely nothing about diabetes and may be over-reacting. I was under the impression that even a single piece of fudge would be detrimental to a diabetic's health. As a compulsive eater myself, I cant imagine having a gallon of fudge in the house and not wanting to eat ALL OF IT, but I'm sure many people have better self control than I do, so maybe its a non-issue.

Any thoughts?

posted by WalkerWestridge to health & fitness (47 answers total)

It's stupid and insensitive to give gifts that the receiver doesn't want and shouldn't have, but the receiver (or his wife) is in control of what he eats, and can choose not to eat it.

You mother in law should maybe think through why she's giving someone a gift that they can't enjoy, but probably shouldn't be vilified for it.
posted by Kololo at 1:20 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]

My dad's diabetic. My mom still buys cookies & candy and makes sweet things (which she won't need because she's always dieting). She knows he shouldn't have it, he blames her for weight gain/etc. at doctor's appointments. It's their marriage. Whatcha gonna do?
posted by jabes at 1:21 PM on February 28 [4 favorites]

This just isn't your business. There's nothing you can say to your mother to stop this, and the man with diabetes and his wife are both adults.
posted by punchtothehead at 1:21 PM on February 28 [15 favorites]

Is the family friend aware of the ingredients of the fudge and able to care for himself? It's not your mother's responsibility to monitor the diet of her friends. If the man or the wife have asked her not to bring it then of course she shouldn't, but if they want it (presumably the wife can eat some? and depending on his diabetes he may be able to partake in moderation) then that sounds fine to me.
posted by brainmouse at 1:22 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

Yeah, it's totally insensitive, bordering on insane, but it's absolutely, positively not your problem nor your responsibility. Don't mention it again.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:22 PM on February 28 [7 favorites]

but complains that the husband shouldn't be eating the fudge.

Bingo. This is why your mother should cut that out. It's like giving cigarettes to someone who's cutting down on their smoking. Tell her to make a batch of sugarless fudge, for god's sake.
posted by Specklet at 1:23 PM on February 28 [6 favorites]

My diabetic college roommate would eat small amounts of candy to bring up her blood sugar when it got a little low. Diabetics - depending on the type and severity of the disease, of course - can eat small amounts of sugar. It's not going to instantly kill them.

And I'm sure you know this, but this is something you need to stay away from getting involved in an argument over.
posted by something something at 1:23 PM on February 28 [14 favorites]

This would be one of those real life "flag it and move on" kind of scenarios. Seems kind of inappropriate to me, but, so what?

Whether or not your mother in law kills a man who knows he shouldn't eat fudge just does not seem like the kind of thing you should spend much time thinking about.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 1:23 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

There's no way to know whether this is cruel, or whether the couple would be offended by your MIL's ceasing her longstanding gifting tradition because she's decided to take a paternalistic stand on her friend's sugar intake. Either one could be true.

If you personally would not want fudge, you should definitely tell her not to bring it to your house. That's about the extent of your involvement here.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:24 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

This is a weird situation that does not welcome your involvement, and you ought to be thankful for that.
posted by griphus at 1:24 PM on February 28 [8 favorites]

My dad is diabetic and eats a very small amount of sweets from time to time. I am not a doctor but my mother is, and I'm told this is OK as long as his sugar is mostly stable.

It's his responsibility really to make sure he doesn't go overboard. I totally understand the impulse though. My dad also has a heart condition and always seems to be making a "special treat" of like bacon when I visit and I'd rather he do all salad all the time because I love him. However, I'm not there all day every day so I have to trust it's a special treat.

Bottom line is if you're not really intimate with his diet and situation you really can't judge or take responsibility for it. You're probably right that the fudge isn't a good idea, but it could be a drop in the bucket of a million unhealthy habits you also can't control, or it could be just an occasional treat he really enjoys.
posted by sweetkid at 1:26 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

I think that it's not a hill you want to die on.

From a medical perspective, yes, having fudge as a diabetic is a generally a problem. But the man in question enjoys the fudge, and has asked your MIL to continue bringing it. He has the right to decide what to eat; surely he understands full well what the ramifications are.

I have some personal experience with this, having a relative with Type II diabetes who chooses some truly stupid things to eat. (Candy, cookies, and 20-ounce bottles of non-diet soft drinks among them.) It's incredibly frustrating to watch, but me flipping out at him wouldn't do any good (quite the opposite), and me flipping out at someone else who provided him with HFCS-sweetened Snapple would do even less good. It's his body, and while I don't agree with his choices, he has the right to make his own decisions, however questionable they might be.
posted by pie ninja at 1:26 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

I'm with you. My Dad is a diabetic and it's just mean.

Everything a diabetic eats has to be balanced against every other thing. Having a sugary treat can trigger cravings that he/she didn't even know were there (I'm a compulsive eater, I can't have that shit in the house.)

We have a family friend who makes Husbunny peanut butter fudge every year. This year, she forgot to bring it over on Christmas. We sighed with relief because we both like fudge and neither of us needs it. We assured her that we could live without it, thanked her for the thought and headed home thankful that there wasn't fudge to deal with. Then three days later, it came in the mail. We threw it out.

That said, unless your Mom outright asked you, I wouldn't say anything. You can't win, you're not changing her mind and all of these people live in this dysfunctional relationship and they're all comfortable with their roles in it.

Let it be. Luckily, there are trash cans aplenty in this world.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:26 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]

My understanding is that sugar is no more dangerous to someone with diabetes than any other kind of carbohydrate, so I don't see how it's the same thing as cigarettes at all. If your parent's friends don't want it in their house, that's their prerogative. If one wants fudge in the house and the other doesn't, that's a private marital issue.
posted by muddgirl at 1:26 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

There's more than one person there. She gives this gift to others. It's up to the man to decide if he wants to eat it or not. Unless she's specifically asked not to bring it to him, I think it's okay for her to do so. She's not insisting he eat the whole thing in front of her.

Also, it's none of your business what other people eat.
posted by inturnaround at 1:27 PM on February 28 [5 favorites]

Apparently the man's wife always intercepts the fudge when my mother in law brings it over.

End of story. The guy's wife is on it.
posted by payoto at 1:28 PM on February 28 [4 favorites]

Why is this your business, and what do you imagine would happen if you told your mother-in-law that what she's doing is bad? What does your spouse (whose mother I assume this is) think of this?
posted by rtha at 1:30 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]

It's like giving cigarettes to someone who's cutting down on their smoking.

You know, it really isn't. Diabetes is not some kind of eating compulsion besetting people with weak willpower with respect to food. It's a blood chemistry disorder that can (generally) be managed with medicine and lifestyle changes.

People with diabetes who are aware of it and are actively managing it are empowered actors who can control their eating and medical treatment to manage the disease. It's not like a diabetic is necessarily outraged by the very presence of sugary foods - they just can't each (much of) them.

Maybe the guy thinks it's insensitive for her to give gifts he basically can't use, but that's really up to him to articulate if he feels that way.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 1:31 PM on February 28 [17 favorites]

It's none of your business until your mother-in-law asks for your advice on the subject, and I wouldn't hold your breath for that day.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:32 PM on February 28

It is shocking, and she shouldn't do it. And as it involves other adults who are capable of looking out for themselves, it is not your business.
posted by bearwife at 1:34 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

Would I choose to give fudge to a diabetic if I was thinking "What should I give John for Christmas?" No.

But if I give fudge to everybody for Christmas, and always have, would I exclude John and Jane because I know John is a diabetic? Not that, either.

Certainly if he, or his wife, asked me to stop bringing fudge, I absolutely would, in a heartbeat. But otherwise, I'd assume that John is an adult who can manage his diet and his disease in an appropriate manner, and that his medical history is none of my business, and not treat him like a child who can't make those decisions for himself.

I was under the impression that even a single piece of fudge would be detrimental to a diabetic's health.

Diabetes isn't a peanut allergy. Diabetics can plan their daily meals in a way that allows them to include small amounts of treats.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:40 PM on February 28 [9 favorites]

Yes, you are overreacting. Please do not project your eating complexes onto this man.
posted by Tanizaki at 1:48 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

Type 1 diabetic or Type 2 diabetic? They are completely different.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:49 PM on February 28 [4 favorites]

I was under the impression that even a single piece of fudge would be detrimental to a diabetic's health.

You're wrong about this. Diabetics can manage their health while still indulging from time to time.

Your MIL might think that if she decided to give everyone but her diabetic friend treats next year, that she could be patronizing to an adult who is capable of making decisions for himself and never asked her to stop bringing it over.

No good can come of you trying to meddle in this.
posted by inertia at 1:50 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]

Just to clarify, I have no desire to meddle or say anything about it to my MIL. I was just looking for a reality check as to whether this was as big of a no no as it seemed.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:54 PM on February 28

As a diabetic, I have to respond. Carbs are carbs, basically. As long as they are properly accounted for, it doesn't matter where they come from. That's what carb-counting and insulin are for.

Whether or not sugar and fudge are smart in this case or not is a whole 'nother question.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 1:59 PM on February 28 [4 favorites]

I was just looking for a reality check as to whether this was as big of a no no as it seemed.

Socially or medically? Socially, who the hell knows. There's a family dynamic at play, and neither you nor us know what the roles of the players are. Maybe his wife really enjoys the fudge and he doesn't care either way and she is telling your mother-in-law he's eating it. Maybe they're preserving your mother-in-law's feelings for the sake of tradition and chucking the fudge in the trash or re-gifting it. Maybe she's ruining his life and putting him in an early grave. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Medically? The only person who can answer that with anything but pure speculation is his doctor.
posted by griphus at 2:02 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

As a type 2...I concur with the general opinion here. Being offered food that I really shouldn't eat is a fact of life, and the decision whether to eat it or not is my responsibility.

I just want to add, though, that making sugar free fudge doesn't necessarily create compromise. AskMe has covered that territory before.
posted by gnomeloaf at 2:03 PM on February 28

My wife is a type I diabetic (and a very well controlled one at that) and she would be thrilled with a big batch of tasty home made fudge. Granted, me and the kids would eat 90% of it, but she would enjoy it in moderation. The idea that diabetics have to maintain a super strict diet with no sweets ever went away in the early 90s with the rise of carb counting.
posted by COD at 2:03 PM on February 28 [11 favorites]

I was just looking for a reality check as to whether this was as big of a no no as it seemed.

It's not a big "no no" any more than that relative who always gives a fruitcake is doing something that's a "big no no." Your MIL is doing what she's always done and doesn't know how to do anything different. She's giving gifts that can't really be appreciated in this circumstance, but she's too set in her ways and too busy to "make an exception" just for one person. I'm sure you are a very sensitive person who puts a lot of thought and caring into what gifts you give and are very sensitive to everyone's individual needs. 35 years and a few kids later, you may not really have the time or ability for that anymore.
posted by deanc at 2:04 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

I was under the impression that even a single piece of fudge would be detrimental to a diabetic's health.

I used to date a guy who managed his Type I diabetes with Skittles and beer, so there's that.

On preview, I was also going to add what deanc just said. For all you know your MIL gives it to them to be polite (rather than take them off the list), the wife graciously accepts the gift to be polite, and this is just a little ritual they go through every year.
posted by Room 641-A at 2:11 PM on February 28

So one grown adult is giving a present to another grown adult(s). The recipients are both capable of expressing if they feel their health is threatened by receipt of the gift, yet no one is saying anything to denote that. Seems like it is ok. She's not bringing heroin to an addict- I fail to see why this is something that merits being "shocked."
posted by haplesschild at 2:11 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

I'm diabetic. I -love- fudge. I'd happily take the gift, eat just enough to enjoy it and then share it with others. I know how my condition works and have learned how to eat a moderate amount of sweets and still stay on top of my health.

Were I you, I'd let it go and trust that the recipient of the gift knows how to deal. It's up to them to say, "knock it off" of they don't appreciate the gift.
posted by nathanfhtagn at 2:15 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

Apparently the wife is resigned to these gifts but complains that the husband shouldn't be eating the fudge.

Complains to whom? The recipient, his wife, and your mother-in-law are all adults who presumably can communicate with each other. Your mother-in-law sounds misguided but well-intentioned, the wife intercepts and accepts the gift, and the guy is managing (or not) his condition. There is nothing "mean" or "shocking" about this, it's just adults maintaining a polite fiction about gifts and holiday traditions so as to make each other feel appreciated and cared for.
posted by headnsouth at 2:16 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

My dad and husband are both type 2. Neither are insulin-dependent. Both of them have to watch the number of carbs they eat. Both of them could eat fudge (in moderation, and in view of what else they are eating), and nobody should be shocked if they are given some. They're not compulsive eaters. It's not like giving a heroin addict a hit; it's more like offering someone with lactose intolerance ice cream.
posted by asciident at 2:25 PM on February 28

I agree with "flag it and move on." It's insensitive but just let it go.
posted by radioamy at 2:26 PM on February 28

Type I or Type II? As a type I, if I found out that everyone else was getting delicious fudge but someone decided I "shouldn't" have it, I'd be pissed off. I can have fudge. I just have to plan for it and can't eat the whole damn bag in one sitting.

Type II is a different disease that I don't feel qualified to comment on.

As others have pointed out, it's *carbs* that matter, not *sugar*so this is nothing at all like giving cigarettes to someone who is trying to quit smoking.

People trying to police what I eat because they "know" what's "allowed" or "not allowed" for diabetics is a huge pet peeve of mine. It's really none of your business.
posted by INTPLibrarian at 2:36 PM on February 28 [10 favorites]

A diabetic can eat fudge. My husband eats tiny pieces of chocolate (an ounce or less) once in awhile, as a treat. He has type II. (He is also not fat and very athletic). But if the recipient of the gift cannot control himself, it is mean. But it is up to him to say no to the giver.
posted by fifilaru at 2:48 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

Would you be as upset if your MIL's tradition was to give delicious home-baked, whole grain bread? Because from a diabetic health point of view the two things are identical.
posted by hworth at 3:42 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

My husband is a Type II diabetic. I rolled my eyes a lot when my husband's college roommate gave us an ice cream maker (his traditional gift) when we got married; we thanked him but the gift went to Goodwill, unused, the first time we moved. FIAMO, but yeah, several gallon bags of fudge are kind of a crappy gift to give to a diabetic IMO.
posted by immlass at 3:58 PM on February 28

I'm a type 1, and like the others I would eat it in moderation -- after counting the carbs and taking insulin accordingly. JUST AS I WOULD FOR BROWN RICE.

And it's not like the fact that I would eat it makes me a "bad diabetic". I have an A1c of 5.0. Look it up. I am a fucking rock star of diabetes.
posted by kestrel251 at 4:10 PM on February 28 [6 favorites]

I think it's insane to give any person that much fudge, because fudge is a b*itch to make, and if she unloads several gallons of it on just one household, then I hate to think of both the state of her kitchen and her grocery bill. (Also: I would like to be on her distribution list.)

And, to echo several other people here in this thread, I suspect you - and many others - don't fully get how diabetes works. When I first met my Type I diabetic partner, it took a major mental shift for me to understand that not only can he eat sugar, sometimes he downright needs to eat sugar! But full marks for having your heart in the right place.
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 4:45 PM on February 28 [2 favorites]

This is a sort of pie-in-the-sky suggestion, if you'll pardon the expression, but if your mother-in-law were a fairly reasonable person and if she asked for your advice, you might suggest that "You know because Ted is diabetic, he's not really able to enjoy your gift, though I'm sure he appreciates the thought. Have you ever considered cooking some other kind of treat that is more consistent with the diabetic's diet? That way Ted could enjoy your cooking as much as everyone else always does."

But meanwhile here in the real world, we are talking about a cast of characters who are all adults capable of making informed choices, and nobody seems to be in any immediate danger. The rule of thumb in that set of circumstances is generally understood to be "MYOB."
posted by La Cieca at 11:16 PM on February 28

Came back to add (after some discussion of this AskMe with my husband, in which the Ice Cream Maker incident and a number of other things were discussed, including how older male diabetics sometimes die six months after their wives if they're used to their wives managing their diabetes precisely because they're not used to doing it themselves) that this seems like a bit of an Ask vs Guess culture thing.

Well duh, of course sugar is sugar, bread is also carbs, and it is the responsibility of diabetics to control what they eat, none of which is news to folks who actually have diabetes or those who live with them. But at the same time, a large quantity gift--and several gallon bags of fudge is a big darn load of sugar--is a big thing and potentially a big problem if eaten (and not just by folks with full-fledeged diabetes, fwiw). But the gift is given in the expectation of being consumed, and presumably mostly by the recipient because you want to give holiday gifts to people you care about so they can enjoy them, yes? I see a divide in the answers between what look like Ask type people (when she gives the fudge, she Asks if the diabetic can consume it, and no biggie if the diabetic can't) and Guess type people (when she gives that much fudge, she is Guessing that the diabetic will want to consume a lot of fudge, and maybe that's not how they want to spend their carb allotment for the next six months, so yeah, that's kind of a side-eye gift). So that may be a difference in the types of responses to this question.
posted by immlass at 7:17 AM on March 1

This has been fascinating and eyeopening for me. Thanks to everyone for the information! I think, having read through this, that what it boils down to for me, is that a gift which puts the household at odds (the wife being made to act as gatekeeper of the fudge which she seems not to appreciate, the husband being tempted by the fudge, the entirety of which, NO ONE should eat) is not really a gift at all. If a person persists in giving this kind of gift because it is the giver's tradition, than the gift is more about the giver than the receiver, which seems crooked and not quite right to me. However, I am glad to learn that there is most likely not a health risk involved and will happily keep my opinions on the subject to myself because, as the hive mind points out, it is none of my business.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:43 AM on March 1

Also, this kind of behavior seems very common to me in women of a certain generation -- both conflation of food with love, and the kind of "he deserves a treat" mentality specifically aimed at men (mild flirtation? caretaking? vicarious food fix? not sure). Like the mentality that still thinks it's laudable to "put a belly on a man" (as a sign of looking after him well, being a good cook, whatever, all about HER), despite years of research showing that you're likely to shorten his life and make it less pleasant as a result. More or less immune to argument and evidence, so just find a good outlet for the frustration and try not to look. :((
posted by acm at 8:19 AM on March 1 [1 favorite]

If a person persists in giving this kind of gift because it is the giver's tradition, than the gift is more about the giver than the receiver, which seems crooked and not quite right to me.

This is true, but perhaps a bit uncharitable in how you're interpreting it. It is about this being the thing the giver does; she makes fudge, she shares it with people. It's not a gift in the "I thought long and hard about our relationship and made this specially for you" sense -- but nobody involved in the transaction really expects it to be. It's just a small example of her being generous. Not every instance of generosity is a personal gift. If she didn't give these people fudge, it's likely she wouldn't give them anything at all.

It's also the fact that this is not a Gift that would make it a little easier for the couple to ask it to stop if they wanted to. They could say "Oh, Edna, you know we love your fudge so much. But it's really hard for us to resist eating it all and with John's diabetes, having so much of it in the house is just too much temptation. Could we just get a tiny bag this year?" and that wouldn't be rejecting something that Edna had thought long and hard about, it would just be saying, hey, we appreciate your largesse, but too much chocolatey goodness is bad for us.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:13 AM on March 1 [1 favorite]