How did you let go and forgive after a loss and a breakup?
February 27, 2013 11:24 AM Subscribe
Death of a parent and a breakup- how to disentangle the two, get a virtual lobotomy regarding the breakup, and for heavens sake just fucking move on regarding the breakup.
posted by xm to Human Relations (20 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
Rationally you know all the reasons why the breakup happened, why it was inevitable, why it was going to happen anyway in the future, why you don't even want the person back. But emotionally, feelings kick in at the oddest times - mostly hurt and anger for the betrayal of not having the ex support you when you became the most (emotionally) dependent on them after losing a parent; mostly because you are struggling with everything every single damn day with grief and all the crap the universe has unloaded on you all at once (thank you!) and you know for a fact that they have moved on and are loitering on the same website for the next toy to have fun with; mostly because you rationally know that 'oh, its half the time we were together so I should be over it by now already' (which is how I do feel often, but not always) and yet there are plenty of bad days when you cant get past the hurt and anger and are just bloody paralyzed; mostly because you have read a ton of crap on forgiveness and letting go and still it hurts like hell (even if it is for hours or days) because the consequences of that breakup affect only you all negatively and the other other person can just get away with it without a scratch; mostly because you already had a very hard time trusting people for being reliable and then had the experience of a lifetime for becoming emotionally dependent on someone for a few fucking weeks and then get punished for it with the consequences.
The breakup per se is not what bothers me as much- if everything in my life was fine and dandy, I'd be way over a guy by now: I'd be sad, confused, disappointed, angry but, I'd get over it. The worst is when the feelings creep up on me when I am grieving for my parent and everything gets mixed up and messy. I cannot seem to use logic to compartmentalize the two. (Men seem to be good at compartmentalization- maybe I could use some of those strategies!) I guess my question is- how do I let go of this breakup already (feelings) and disengage the breakup feelings from my grief once and for all? All of this mess, apart from the grief, is affecting my work big time (I am writing this at work coz I so upset right now!) and I want to so desperately move on.
FYI- I am getting all the professional help I need, but I still need some real perspectives from people who have successfully made it through a breakup WHILE going through other crappy things in life- that mess up all the feelings even more. For the same reason, I would especially love to also hear from folks who lost a parent/were dealing with a sick parent and then went through a divorce/breakup.
Sincerely thank you for your time!