Having a hard time getting erect

February 26, 2013 10:42 PM

I'll try to keep this short and thorough. I'm a 25 year old male, I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 months, and I'm still a virgin. I've never had a ton of sexual experiences in my past (oral), but this one has me a little confused and stressed out. About 4 days ago I was with my girlfriend and we were giving each other oral, (we haven't had vaginal sex yet) I always go down on her first and then she does down on me. Now normally I get incredibly turned on, very easily, and with anything from hugging and cuddling, to kissing and foreplay. It always gives me a very full and hard erection, and in the past I've never had any problem at all about having an orgasm. However on this night while my girlfriend was going down on me, right in the middle I suddenly became soft and completely lost my erection. This has never happened to me before, and in the last 4 days, everything that normally turns me on and gives me that full erection, has barely even given me a "chubby" so to speak. I'm finding it very hard to get turned on, and its making both my girlfriend and I quite upset.

Now I've been to the doctor to be sure that nothing was wrong physically, he ran a few tests and everything came back fine, so from what I can see there's nothing wrong from a physical point of view. I am having a bit of difficulty with the mental barrier, because in an effort to try and make my girlfriend understand what I was feeling I messed up and said a few things that came out wrong, which made her even more upset and aided in my anxiety and stress. In the 4 days I haven't masturbated or haven't done oral with my girlfriend, and I find that when I think about really trying to turn myself on I get nothing. As I mentioned before I'm struggling to get turned on, and everything that normally gets me very turned on hasn't been doing it lately. I love my girlfriend very much, and I find her very, very attractive, both physically and mentally. I'm wondering if this is a normal/common thing to have happen? And what would be some good tips to fix it? If anyone else has ever experienced something similar and can share with me it would be greatly appreciated.

posted by stonecutters88 to human relations (15 answers total)

It's stress. This is common at all ages. Relax and try and stop thinking about it.
posted by empath at 10:48 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Yeah, what empath said: this is totally normal and common. Unfortunately it's a vicious circle: it happens 'cause you're stressed out, but being stressed out makes it more likely to happen. The best thing you can do is take a breather, talk to your girlfriend, and relax.
posted by asterix at 10:51 PM on February 26 [3 favorites]

I'm a 25 year old male ... in the past I've never had any problem ... right in the middle I suddenly became soft and completely lost my erection. This has never happened to me before ... If anyone else has ever experienced something similar

Only every sexually experienced male on the planet, ever.

As you've already sought medical help to rule out an immediate physical cause, by far the most likely thing keeping Mr. Woody in hiding is your anxiety that he might stay there. The two of you should seize this opportunity to explore all the lovely things you can do with each other's naked selves when he's not nagging you to focus on his desires.
posted by flabdablet at 10:54 PM on February 26 [13 favorites]

so from what I can see there's nothing wrong from a physical point of view.

You said it yourself! Relax, get your mind right, have a little patience.

Go vibrator shopping with your girlfriend!
posted by carsonb at 11:00 PM on February 26 [4 favorites]

Beer. Not too many, just enough to relax.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:02 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

You are stressing out, that's all it is. It happens all the time, especially when you are worried about the big event. A beer or two is not a bad idea. The vibrator is a GREAT idea. Hey, as a woman, getting to have a special, all-my-pleasure night is magnificent.
posted by Foam Pants at 11:30 PM on February 26 [4 favorites]

Yeah, the reason it's such a cliché to say "it happens to everybody" is because it really does. Don't sweat it.
posted by solotoro at 1:27 AM on February 27 [3 favorites]

I always go down on her first and then she does down on me.

switch it up, get some 69 in there if she's cool with it, but do something because otherwise your mind will be running rampant. seriously, your mind is your biggest enemy here.
posted by mannequito at 2:15 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

You might try taking a break for a week; if you know it's not on the menu, it takes the pressure off. (Don't neglect your girlfriend during that week! Go down on her as much as the two of you like.)
posted by Specklet at 2:38 AM on February 27

You've been visited by the Melty Man. All of us in our time have been visited by the terror of the Melty Man.

There's nothing funny about the Melty Man.
posted by Blasdelb at 2:38 AM on February 27 [7 favorites]

It happens. It's normal. It'll go away. Don't push it.
posted by valkyryn at 4:51 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

Nthing completely normal here.

But your girlfriend being stressed and upset seems a bit much to me. You have to reassure her that your physical reaction has nothing to do with the fire that rages inside you for her. When she knows it's normal, you can relax.

In the meantime, there's a million ways you can make her feel good without you having an erection. Dildos, vibrators and your tongue were given to us from on high for a reason. Worship the woman you adore accordingly while you chill out over your below-decks.
posted by inturnaround at 5:37 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

right in the middle I suddenly became soft and completely lost my erection. This has never happened to me

Missing from this account is any triggering mechanism. What were you thinking/fantasizing about? Was anything said before then? Did anything feel not as you wanted? How relaxed/comfortable were you otherwise? How is communication between the two of you?
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:50 AM on February 27

Yeah, this is utterly commonplace, and it'll cease to be an issue as soon as (this is the tricky part) you quit worrying about it. Assure your girlfriend that it has nothing to do with her attractiveness, and do something that doesn't require a hard-on for a while.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:30 AM on February 27

As everyone is saying, this is completely nothing to worry about. If knowing this is enough to help you get over your nerves - great! If you still find yourself worrying about it too much (which will make it hard to get up or stay up) you may need to convince your girlfriend that it's nothing to worry about as well (or convince yourself to not give a shit what she's thinking).

Anyway, you sound like me a few years ago. After having sex with my girlfriend for a month or two we had an incident where I couldn't stay up. It was our second time in a matter of only an hour or so, so it was all physiological and completely meaningless. Nevertheless, she took it personally and became upset. Next time we had sex I thought about this and for some reason the anxiety got to me and I wasn't able to perform normally. This made it worse. Signal spiral of dysfunction.

I finally convinced her that it didn't have anything to do with her and that she just needed to stop caring for me to go back to normal. She did, and then I (eventually) did, and everything worked out and we haven't had an issue like that since.

Focus on her and not yourself and if you have anxious thoughts just acknowledge them and let them pass whenever they're ready to leave. If you're not getting up it's not a big deal - go down on your girlfriend and enjoy her body and accept that it's ok if you don't get your turn.
posted by Defenestrator at 5:36 PM on February 28