Time to talk, or time to move on?
February 25, 2013 8:28 PM Subscribe
Is it better to just break up with my SO, or tell them how anxious I am about moving in together?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
My SO is a wonderful person, and I care about them very much. I have, however, harboured some doubts about whether they are the right person for me for most of the year that we've been together. I've mostly ignored these doubts because they seemed petty compared to the good parts of the relationship.
My SO has started talking about moving in together. This, along with a minor pregnancy scare a few weeks ago, has had me re-evaluating whether this is the right relationship for me. And those lingering doubts have really started to grow.
I want to be clear -- there is nothing major "wrong" with our relationship. They are very accommodating to my eccentricities (perhaps overly so), and we have quite literally never gotten into a fight. We've generally been able to use our words quite well to deal with disagreements.
But the anxiety I've been feeling regarding moving in together has become overwhelming, especially over the last week or so. Breaking up has started to feel like an option. I know that some level of anxiety is natural, but I'm starting to feel like the level of doubt I'm feeling is a signal that this isn't the right relationship for me. Frankly I don't feel any real excitement about the prospect of living together. [For the record, I am not prone to anxiety and the general idea of moving in with a partner is appealing to me. I don't consider myself a commitophobe.]
The reason I framed the question above the fold as I did was because in my last relationship I expressed some similar anxiety to my ex, and it pretty much tanked the relationship. My ex spent months being scared I would dump them at any moment, I felt guilty about about the situation I had put us in, and it made for a not-great time before we ended up breaking up for real. In retrospect, a clean break would have been a lot better. However, in that relationship there were also more red flags (more fighting, more overt personality conflicts).
In general, I'm inclined to use my words. I could say to them tonight "I'm really anxious about moving in together and I'm worried it's not the right thing to do". The problem is that I don't know what good it could do. There's no behaviour I want to ask my SO to change. As far as I can tell this is a "me" problem that either I can get over or I can't. Breaking up out of the blue seems cruel, but so does saying "I like you but maybe not enough to live together. Thoughts?" [paraphrased, obviously].
So, in your experience, is there any good that can come from laying my doubts about the relationship on the table? Or is it better to rip the band-aid off, feel really shitty about breaking someone's heart for a while, and then try to find a relationship I'm more comfortable in?
Thanks for your advice.