We have a date -- now what?

February 23, 2013 11:18 AM

I followed your overwhelming advice and gave this guy my number. It worked! He immediately texted me back and we have a date tonight. Trouble is I'm a bundle of nerves because he intimidates me. I need advice on how to keep my cool tonight. :)

For those who didn't read the original thread, I'm a part time barista at this cafe and have been admiring a very hot, very smart regular for a few months. I got the distinct impression he was also checking me out. I did something really ballsy the other day and slipped my number into the sleeve of his coffee. It seemed like a shot in the dark and I was surprised when he responded.

He told me he was so glad he found it and that I "always catch his eye in the morning." Then he asked me out for drinks. He wanted to call me up but I told him I'm not a phone person so we kept it text only.

I've never been so nervous about a first date. He seems a bit out of my league. He's an astrophysicist, plus he's hot and not at all nerdy looking. From the little interaction we've had he's sweet, polite, self-possessed and not socially awkward. All that put together he seems like he must be flooded with options. In fact another girl at the cafe also has a crush on him but he wasn't interested in her. He does seem rather shy, though. Whenever I took his order his voice would shake just a little, which was pretty adorable. :D I'm attractive and smart enough but I'm far less accomplished than he is.

Moreover I'm worried about ruining this by being my shy, nervous self. Many guys are put off by my shyness. We haven't really chatted at all aside from the taking/receiving of orders because he makes me nervous, so he is a virtual stranger which adds to the awkwardness.

How do I calm myself down? Also would it be a bad idea for me to text him before and warn him that I'm shy at first? Telling myself to relax or just have fun isn't going to help. I'll be unlikely to reprogram myself in the space of a few hours, but I'd like to dial down my nerves down a little.

And what do we talk about? I'm more of an arts person and know very little about the sciences, although I have a couple of physicists in my family.

Thanks, guys!

posted by timsneezed to human relations (45 answers total)

There are no leagues. If he wants to talk about his job, "Tell me what your typical workday is like" is always a good opening question, especially since he has some idea of what your typical workday is like from the other side of the counter--though you could tell him the behind-the-scenes secrets!

"Do you like to travel?" is always a good first-date question. Pets, if either of you have (or want) any. Movies, books, video games, bands you like.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:22 AM on February 23 [4 favorites]

I know way more scientists who are also musicians/painters/poets/other arty thing than I know scientists who are ALL SCIENCE ALL THE TIME. Maybe he's one of the latter, but don't assume he is just because he's a physicist!

I think it's okay to tell him you feel a little nervous and shy - but do not tell him you find him intimidating (not saying you would, but really, just don't go there). There's no profit in that, and what's he supposed to say to make you feel better about it?

The Oscars are tomorrow, so even if you haven't seen a movie in five years, you can always ask if there are any nominees he's rooting for in particular, and that can lead to a whole discussion about actors and film genres and pop culture in general.

Maybe he is flooded with options. Remember that the option he picked is you.
posted by rtha at 11:28 AM on February 23 [6 favorites]

Trouble is I'm a bundle of nerves because he intimidates me.

He's probably intimidated too. Dating is hard, nerves are normal, and leagues are bullshit.

Yeah, he's probably better at science than you, but so what, you probably know more about art. Most people don't want to date a carbon copy of themselves, unless they're crazy narcissists. Which is to say, you're not interviewing for a job in his department, you're going out on a date... and you're already a leg up on all the hot lady astrophysicists he didn't call!

You may tend toward shyness but you pulled the fairly ballsy move of slipping him your number (twice!), so you're capable of pushing through that tendency when the situation calls for it. Besides, you found his apparent bashfulness adorable, and that may very well be a two-way street. Take a deep breath and try to enjoy yourself. Good luck!
posted by axiom at 11:30 AM on February 23 [3 favorites]

Remember that sciences aren't intrinsically better than arts. People who know more / are better at science aren't better people or smarter people than people who are more artistically inclined - it's just different types of intelligence.

You say you're less accomplished than he is, but you really don't know that. He's an astrophysicist, but what's great about you? Maybe you don't have an impressive-sounding career, but are you a really loyal friend, a talented [side job or hobby], etc? That kind of thing matters as well.

As for what to talk about - you could ask him about his job, but that's only a small portion of possible conversation topics. You could also ask him about what he does for fun, tell him what you do when you're not working, talk about current events, sports, you probably have some customer service horror stories or funny stories to share - what do you talk to your friends about?
posted by insectosaurus at 11:31 AM on February 23 [2 favorites]

He's probably shy and nervous himself and worrying about whether you will be put off by his shyness and nervousness. I would tell him that you are a little bit nervous and couch it in a light-hearted way which acknowledges the humour in shyness. If you said that to me that would break the ice.

Smart and interesting people will always have things to talk about even if they have no direct knowledge of each other's fields. You seem like a smart, interesting person. You already know he is smart so all you need is for him to be interesting to have a great conversation.

Congratulations and have fun!
posted by neilb449 at 11:37 AM on February 23 [2 favorites]

There is nothing better you can do in dating than being yourself.

If you are just yourself and something doesn't work out the way you initially hoped, then at least you know that it wasn't right for you. If you try not to be yourself, and you're holding back or trying to be some way you're not, then if something doesn't work out, the only thing you're left with is wondering wondering wondering. "If I had just been myself, would it have worked out?"
posted by so_gracefully at 11:38 AM on February 23 [4 favorites]

While it is true you cannot make yourself relax, you can make yourself slow down. Remind yourself early and often that a silent pause is an okay thing, it is alright to take a moment to listen, take a moment to respond, don't feel you have to fill every second with sound. Nervousness is a disease of the future and the more you can stay in the moment the more you will beat it. Good luck!
posted by InkaLomax at 11:38 AM on February 23 [3 favorites]

I'm a scientist (but not an astrophysicist). I can tell you this: scientists are flattered to death if you show an interest in what they work on. You don't need to know anything about it, or even understand it completely; just ask what he does, and when he says he's an astrophysicist, say something like "that's so cool! I don't know anything about astrophysics, but I'd love to hear what you work on!" And it's also a character test: if he's a nice decent guy, he'll try to explain his work on a level that a layman can understand (any scientist worth his salt should be able to do this). If he instead says something like "you wouldn't understand it" or "it's too complicated to explain" or so on, then you know he's an asshole who looks down on mere mortals and isn't worth a 2nd date.

Don't be intimidated by scientists. They're not any better than anyone else!
posted by phoenix_rising at 11:41 AM on February 23 [18 favorites]

Brava to you for taking the chance, not once but twice, to connect with him. What you're feeling is pretty normal, I believe. Sounds like you've been thinking about him for a while and imagining getting to know him better, and now the connection you daydreamed about is scarily imminent and real. But as you noted, he's still a stranger, and it's healthier for us if strangers don't have this much power over our emotions or our sense of self. In my case the first-date nerves with a crush tended to come from transference (which needn't be about a therapist and or your parents). Transference can cause unexpectedly strong and overwhelming feelings because it's about past encounters and past experiences more than now. I don't know as you'll solve that before 7 tonight, but just recognizing that you're not weird might help.

Mainly I hope you can enjoy the delicious anticipation of a fun date with a cute guy whose qualities you admire, and remember that you're bringing a lot of great qualities to the table as well. In my experience, scientist types often admire the creative leaps of the arty person, and anyway, science and art aren't opposites (says my neurologist researcher friend who is crazy about modern painting). The other thing I'd suggest is just staying in the moment with him and not worrying about later tonight or tomorrow or next week. If you can bag your hopes and fears and "be here now" you will relax a lot.

Also: as you suggested, texting him beforehand might defuse things for you, too. Short and sweet, like "Feeling a little nervous and shy and also looking forward to tonight." Or something like that.

Have a great time :)
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 11:51 AM on February 23

All the astrophysicists I know are awesome, and not snobs at all. There are no leagues in dating, there is just connection or no connection.

The guy is probably thrilled you asked him out (and no doubt his friends in the lab are waiting for the report back because they know he likes you).

Just go enjoy yourself! And don't short change yourself, I am sure there are many things about you he will find interesting to learn about.
posted by chapps at 11:52 AM on February 23 [1 favorite]

You're going to be fine. If you get stuck, conversationally, ask open-ended questions that call on him to give you a sort of 'virtual tour' of things he knows really well.

A classic text on ethnographic interviewing suggests six basic topics for the grand tour question: time (history, life story, etc.); space (the place someone works; the cities they've lived in; etc.); people (their family, people they work with, and so on); objects (their stuff, the tools of their job); activities (what they do all day; things they have to do at different times of the year); and events (details about an academic conference or a birthday party or a specific unusual thing they did last night). You can ask what things are usually like or what one instance of something is like in particular.

Voila, hours upon hours of stuff to talk about. With anyone. And if he isn't that good at asking questions too, just use things he says as excuses to answer the questions you wished he had asked.

I don't actually think you need this advice, but I mean it to be reassuring: i.e. this is just an easy fallback for any faltering social encounter. You're really going to be fine. :)
posted by Monsieur Caution at 11:53 AM on February 23 [65 favorites]

I get nervous before dates too and my shy side comes out. I've found that having a few things to talk about really helps. I like the idea of Oscar nominees that someone mentioned above. I try to listen to a few interesting conversational podcasts before dates (I find The Dinner Party Download from NPR to be a great one). And I try to read through the headlines and skim a few current articles (both real news and the "weird news"). This usually keeps me pretty up-to-date and full of random tidbits and facts that I can throw into conversation. Plus, I think just listening to people talk to each other in the podcasts helps put me into conversation-mode.
posted by JannaK at 12:12 PM on February 23 [3 favorites]

Speaking as an astrophysicist, I love talking to not-astrophysicists. So much so that I even married one.

His nervousness shows that he is totally into you, so you need to put aside this notion of "leagues." I'm sure can't believe his luck that not only are you interested, you were interested enough to make the first move, and he's probably asking his nerd-friends for advice about how to talk to you, because he's worried that he's too nerdy and shy.

I agree with the posters above that he should be able to describe his work to you in ways you can understand.

You should also be able to talk to him about the arts stuff you do / enjoy / admire. Astrophysicists read books, watch tv & theater, look at art, listen to music, etc. Almost like normal people. ;)

Your point of intersection is the coffee shop, and that's almost certain to come up in conversation, so you might want to brainstorm interesting topics you can jump to from there: what you've learned about the botany and chemistry of coffee, the personality quirks of artist whose work has been hanging in the shop this month, what you do before/after work each day, etc.
posted by BrashTech at 12:31 PM on February 23 [2 favorites]

I have social anxiety. Here's my personal rules for calming the nerves when I have a date:

1. Exercise - Can't emphasize this enough. Go for a brisk run. Do some pushups. Masturbate vigorously. Whatever you gotta do. Get those endorphins endorphing. Even if you don't regularly exercise, do something physical on Date Day to get some of that excess energy out.

2. Keep busy - Don't sit around in anticipation of the date. Go to work, talk to friends, call your Mom, take the dog on a walk, do the dishes, clean the apartment. Don't ever be just thinking about the date.

3. Confident Clothes - I like to pick the one outfit that I would totally wear 7 days/week if it were socially acceptable. It's comfortable, it fits well, and I don't have to give it a second thought on Date Day.

4. Expect Awkwardness - First dates just ARE awkward. It's a rule. Exceptions are few, especially for shy folk. Don't expect to be smooth. Don't expect HIM to be smooth. Mentally prepare yourself to chuckle inside at the awkwardness of it all. On first dates, I tend to be clumsy, both in movement and in speech. I sweat, stammer, and shake. This stuff has never cost me a second date with someone I like. What has cost me a second date? Getting down on myself for doing this stuff.
posted by Team of Scientists at 12:36 PM on February 23 [7 favorites]

Oh and awesome advice that I've seen here before: There's probably a voice in your head repeating some variation of the phrase "I hope he likes me!" Try to get that same voice to say something more along the lines of "I hope I like him!"
posted by Team of Scientists at 12:42 PM on February 23 [10 favorites]

How exciting! I empathize with the first date jitters. Here are a few little things I've tried to cool the inner spaz: Breathe. Totally obvious, but worth noting. Deep breaths can help calm your body and bring some clarity to your thought. Try not to take the date too seriously-you're just getting to know each other. Perhaps most importantly, remember that this isn't just about him assessing you (and know that the criteria you are imagining he will gauge you by are your own and may not match his at all!), but also about you finding out what he can bring to the table, so to speak. I'm sure you have wonderful things to contribute, so keep those in mind on the way to drinks tonight. Have fun!
posted by sassy mae at 12:46 PM on February 23

I am an artsy type in a long term relationship with a scientist. It's no big thing! Just be willing to listen to science talk and ask questions--it doesn't matter whether the questions are good or silly. I like hearing about what my partner does, and she doesn't mind that sometimes my response is totally not on. Sometimes, though, it is really right on, and she is surprised.

In turn, I have lots of skills and knowledge that she doesn't have. We both respect each others' domains, and that's what's important. Hopefully this astrophysicist respects your kind of knowledge and smarts. And if he doesn't, then that disrespect is why you're not a good fit.... not your lack of knowledge about science.
posted by snorkmaiden at 12:49 PM on February 23

Telling him, "I'm shy and I'm nervous," could be a really great icebreaker. Go for it. (Try to do it in person, not via text.) And please -- PLEASE -- come back and tell us how it goes!
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:57 PM on February 23

If he's at Caltech or JPL, and you've been working in entertainment as well as barista, you can discuss what movies get science right or what they get wrong and all various things about science and how it's perceived in pop culture. A dear friend is an astronomer at Caltech, and he loves to go on about his stars and my stars, so to speak.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:15 PM on February 23

I've had three science-y guys in my life:

1) My first boyfriend was a teenaged writer/poet/musician before he went to college and decided to become a computer programmer, and now works in D.C.
2) My second boyfriend was a Caltech graduate math professor who would cry over movies and novels and loved reading poetry in other languages,
3) A third guy who asked me out was an actual astrophysics grad student who I met at a contradancing night (I've only gone once) and was one of the friendliest, nicest people there.

You will at the very least be bored, and more likely, being even *more* intimidated once you realize how much depth he has.

This attitude actually seems naive to me. I'm pretty far along on the eggheaded/intellectual, academic spectrum, and I've met some people at my grocery store/bank teller/waitressing jobs who were witty and smart and had depth that blew me away. Like, sometimes I wish I were them. I do think you should be aware of his angle, though, because he very well might be the kind of guy who thinks less of you for being a barista-- or he might be the kind of guy who realizes there are great people out there doing everything.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:15 PM on February 23

Oh, and yeah, the Caltech guy/math prof I dated was very smart and actually a goof who loved to talk about his field in a relatable way. Most of the time, we didn't talk about math-- we talked about our lives and pop culture and entertainment and other things folks do for fun. This isn't about you living up to his academic rigor-- it's about whether he's worth dating to you. If he were a great genius with terrible communication skills and you had no fun dating him, that wouldn't mean that you weren't good enough for him.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:17 PM on February 23 [3 favorites]

We live on the east coast -- he's a MIT graduate now working at a top university here.
posted by timsneezed at 1:18 PM on February 23

Oh, thanks for update--I mentioned Caltech because there's a lot of filming on campus, and the profs usually love it, even if they complain about inaccuracies. I'm going out on a limb and think you're going to have a wonderful time.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:21 PM on February 23

I mean, if you ask him about his day and he's like "well first I put the dlgikdf in the xylgysl, and calculate the findings of the mnonomr," and you're tapping your foot or feeling increasingly small and shy, maybe he is less good at communicating/entertaining than he is at astrophysics. Which is perfectly fine, but it's up to you whether you're looking for someone serious/literal/fun/amusing, and if he has no interest in your day because he's an Important Scientist, maybe he's not the kind of guy who has his eye on people and human nature. It doesn't mean that he's Too Smart to care, lots of very smart people have probing questions about all walks of life, and aren't going to get bored hearing about your life because you're a barista (eep). Actually, sometimes people who have lived in the dome of academia/science all their lives are kind of fascinated by what it's like to work with the public, and like the stimulation from someone with a more arts/humanities side. He's really accomplished clearly and that's exciting, but it has no bearing good or bad on whether you'd be a good match.

Anyway, actual advice about what to talk about-- I would ask a little about what his work, like "how would you explain it to someone who didn't know much about science?" so that you can maybe get a more interesting overview. And if that doesn't spark any other conversation, I would talk about what you'd normally talk about on a date-- books, movies, friends, how you like the city where you live, &c. Plus YOUR PLANS FOR GRAD SCHOOL and goals in general.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:30 PM on February 23 [1 favorite]

In fact another girl at the cafe also has a crush on him but he wasn't interested in her.

Bingo. He is interested in you.

I totally sympathize with the nerves. Rachet down the pressure on the date by remembering that he has to be a fit for you as well. You are trying this guy on to see how he fits. If he does, awesome! If he doesn't, then you took a chance and learned something about yourself. There's no downside here.

Talk about what you're passionate about. Try to get him to talk about his passions. Easy-flowing conversation is always a great sign. You don't have to be fully conversant in physics to be interested in it. I find astrophysics fascinating even if I never took a physics course after high school. If someone can talk to me about it in an accessible way, I can not only keep up but have a lot of fun.

Have fun!!
posted by dry white toast at 1:43 PM on February 23 [2 favorites]

good for you for giving him your number. i think once you officially find out he is a physicist that telling him you have a couple in your family is really cool. how many people have physicists in their family, lol? also, nothing wrong with telling him you are a bit shy at first. it sounds like he may be as well so try to go easy on him. it might be good to do something like walk around and talk if that is an option. that can spark conversation and distract you from any nerves. i'm always more relaxed in social situations if i have something to do.

have fun tonight and let us know how it goes!
posted by wildflower at 2:16 PM on February 23

"Also would it be a bad idea for me to text him before and warn him that I'm shy at first?"

Fuck, yes it would be a bad idea. Don't do this. Don't contact him to tell him in advance that you have flaws and that he therefore won't have a good time. It's not attractive to point out your flaws, don't do it.

Also, everybody is shy, except sociopaths.

Look, just say anything. I mean don't tell him that you're shy. Or fat. Or about the gross operation you had on your cyst. But say anything that's light and positive. Don't reveal too much on the first date, even if it's positive.

Don't pretend to be something you're not, but do get through it by playing yourself in the movie that will eventually be made of your life.

Ask him about astrophysics. If he says anything you don't know the meaning of, ask him what that is. Like, with me, my first question would be "What's astrophysics?" so as you see, if you put your mind to it there is rarely any difficulty in finding rich veins of conversation topics to mine.
posted by tel3path at 2:34 PM on February 23 [8 favorites]

Also... Here is how the movie version of you would broach the topic of your shyness:

"Gee, Albert, I'm usually so shy [coquettish dip of the eyes] but with you, I could just talk about anything! [don't actually do this yet! you barely know him]"

Assuming he isn't a crashing bore, of course.

Also: you weren't too shy to ask him out, were you? Do you know how few people actually manage to do that? They lurk and they slurk and they drop increasingly barbed hints and they come to MeFi to whine "Oh God the Friend Zone" but they never actually do anything real. Even if this guy isn't as good for you as you thought, you have what it takes to get another one.
posted by tel3path at 2:44 PM on February 23 [2 favorites]

Don't text him to tell him that you're shy or nervous. Being shy/nervous on a date is totally normal, whereas texting about it would be weird. If you find yourself with a long awkward silence during the date, I think it would be cute to kind of giggle and admit to being a bit shy. But texting it beforehand? No.

And don't worry about the science thing. I for one don't really like talking too much about work outside of work and I think lots of people feel that way. He already has coworkers with whom he can discuss physics. The Oscars was a great suggestion upthread. Other ideas: ask which TV shows he watches, what is he up to the rest of the weekend, does he have siblings (and from there: do they live nearby? is he close to them? etc), what does he like to do in his spare time outside of work, does he like to read (if so, what kinds of books? what has he read recently?) - in other words, light topics, small talk, casual conversation that will allow you guys to keep things flowing and put each other at ease and get to know each other a little better.

Good luck :-)
posted by whitelily at 3:02 PM on February 23 [1 favorite]

Your story is so sweet. I know you're already out on your date (yay!) but I wanted to give some post-date support (I'm sure it went great!) My husband's brother is an astrophysicist and predicts space weather for a living. He also spent my wedding reception hanging out with my youngest brother, who has Down's Syndrome, because they both wore Hawaiian shirts and were both into SpongeBob like nobody's business. :) My husband reads texts on String Theory for fun (who the hell does that? I mean, really.) and is way smarter than me. However, he also loves the blues and watching movies. I'm sure you'll find that Mr. Americano has a lot of things he loves besides astrophysics. And I'm sure you have a lot of interesting things you do and like, because most people do. ;)
posted by RogueTech at 4:13 PM on February 23 [1 favorite]

oh yeah, i didn't realize you were going to text him beforehand about being shy. i think it's okay to say it in person on the date but i don't think i'd text that ahead of time. well, you're probably on your date now so it doesn't matter. i did have a guy once tell me before we met in person he was rather shy/nervous and it didn't turn me off. i just tried to be understanding about it. because of him saying that i did give him more of a chance than i would normally have so it isn't the end of the world if you did text him. if a person doesn't have a modicum of compassion then they are kinda lame anyway.
posted by wildflower at 4:38 PM on February 23

My husband's a physicist and all the physicists I know are really well-rounded people who have a lot of interests outside of their discipline and love learning about new stuff. If he follows this pattern he will be intrigued by your interests and happy to talk about them. My physicist friends also like discussing politics and news and technology and all sorts of other things. The only thing they really get turned off by are people who are not interested in the world around them, and/or are irrational, illogical or unwilling to consider other people's perspectives.

Obviously YPMV (your physicist may vary), but since you don't know anything about him yet, it can't hurt to go in with the expectation that he might well be like this.
posted by lollusc at 6:05 PM on February 23

You know what, you may be shy, but you're also goddamn courageous, my friend. I mean, nobody would describe me as shy, but I've never had the guts to invite a guy out in my 40 years on the planet.

So remember this: you ROCK. Take that with you on your date(s)!
posted by Salamander at 7:46 PM on February 23 [3 favorites]

please please please update us!
posted by stoneandstar at 8:04 PM on February 23

Yeah, how'd it go?
posted by Team of Scientists at 8:25 PM on February 23

It went swimmingly. ;)

Surprisingly we never ran out of things to talk about and I felt we were conversationally on par. We had excellent chemistry -- even better than with my last two boyfriends. He is super adorable and interesting and down to earth and sweet. He is apparently also very into me. He called me "intoxicating" and said he had been admiring me from afar for awhile and sometimes would come in even when he didn't want coffee just to see me. Several times he mentioned things he'd like to do with me, and we made plans to see a movie together in a few nights.

He originally wanted to be a painter but his mother pushed him into the sciences.

I am still kind of shocked by how well things have turned out given that we were total strangers. I guess my instincts are pretty good when it comes to sussing out guys from a distance.
posted by timsneezed at 12:44 AM on February 24 [55 favorites]

Yay! Congratulations, I was rooting for you. :)
posted by shattersock at 12:52 AM on February 24

Please invite me to your wedding planning thread!
posted by whitewall at 2:29 AM on February 24 [2 favorites]

Thumbs up.
posted by tel3path at 7:17 AM on February 24

On behalf of every geek that has had a crush on his/her barista, congrats. We're all insanely jealous right now and you should be working on selling the movie rights.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:03 AM on February 24 [5 favorites]

Yay, good for you!!!!

(Now if only I could find a sweet-natured geeky guy for myself ...)
posted by phoenix_rising at 9:31 AM on February 24

What a heart-warming story! So sweet that it brought me to tears. Wishing you two the best of luck!
posted by velvet winter at 8:24 PM on February 24

Congratulations! You were so incredibly brave in asking him out. I'm so excited for you right now, what a great story this is! All the best!
posted by rozaine at 12:55 AM on February 25

So good to hear!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:16 PM on February 25

Came in just to check on this thread - I'm so glad it went well!
posted by dawkins_7 at 7:20 PM on February 25