like him but not attracted to him. what to do?
February 21, 2013 7:28 PM Subscribe
I met a guy through an online dating website who I like but am not attracted to. I'd like to meet with him again, but how do I manage this without leading him on? And is online dating always going to be like this?
For reasons which are mysterious to me, I have trouble finding anyone I'm attracted to or interested in. Despite my worst moments of self-doubt, I have it on fairly reliable authority that I'm a smart, attractive, kind and interesting girl. I don't know where all the smart, attractive, kind and interesting guys are hiding, but they're certainly not anywhere I usually hang out. So, through somewhat gritted teeth, and on the enthused insistence of a few close friends, I finally decided to give match.com a try. As I feared, mostly I attracted creeps and weirdos who didn't read a single word of my (eloquent and witty) profile, and were mostly just spraying their virtual chat-up seeds in the hope that something would stick. (Do guys really think that works? gahh).
But then, I started corresponding with a guy who was literate, funny, wonderful sense of humour - just on a whole different level of conversation compared to the other goons I'd been fending off. We met and I like him a great deal - we had a lovely talk, we're on an intellectual and emotional wavelength, he's a genuinely good, kind and interesting person. BUT. I am not attracted to him. At the very least, not yet, and probably will not be. He's not UN-attractive, but he ended up not looking much like his picture at all, and is also waaayy shorter than I expected, and I really did not feel much in the way of chemistry -- whereas he is definitely incredibly attracted to me and thinks that I look exactly like my photos and that I am gorgeous. I feel guilty for thinking in this arguably shallow way, but I have to be honest with myself - I don't see us in any sorts of throes of passion.
At the end, he kissed me on the cheek. I wish he hadn't. I really would like to see him again because I think he's great to talk to and I'd like to get to know him, but I'm really not sure (yet) about dating him per se. I feel, however, that if I see him again I might be leading him on. I don't want to lead him on. How do I manage this better? I haven't really done the whole online dating thing before, and actually, I haven't ever even "dated" much before. I've tended to have really intense, long and serially monogomous relationships where it was clear from the beginning that we were together. I don't know how to handle these weird American quasi-"dating" rituals. How do I keep meeting with this guy without the pressure of both parties knowing we are there as the consequence of a "dating" website?
On a more general note, since I have so little experience with online dating websites, I was wondering: what are the odds that I will in fact find any attractive, interesting men on online dating websites? Or is the very fact that they are on such a website in the first place statistically selecting for creeps and weirdos, or nice people who don't look like their photos? Is this what all online dating is going to be like?