What's the best way to tell men about my unusual sexual limits?
February 20, 2013 2:58 PM Subscribe
I have some sexual limits or preferences that I've been told are pretty weird. Both male and female friends have told me that they are really weird (I am female). But it's just the way I am and it's not going to change. I have been having dating problems because of it. I need some advice on the best way to tell men about my limits, and the best way to find that rare person who would be fine with them.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (44 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
My limits are that I HATE to have my nipples or outer genitalia (for lack of a better word) deliberately stimulated in any way. It is an extremely unpleasant sensation for me and I despise it. I do enjoy intercourse a lot and I enjoy giving oral sex, though I do not want to receive it. This is just what feels good to my body. I'm also fine with participating in most kinks guys would want to have done to them (spanking for example), though because I am not really kinky myself I wouldn't want to have a sex life revolving entirely around that.
All I really want is a sex life where we could go straight to intercourse with no "foreplay" whatsoever except fellatio if the guy wanted it. At first I thought a lot of men would be fine with that, but now it doesn't seem that way at all.
I had a lot of sex in my early 20's exploring different things and figuring out what I liked, so I was already very sexually experienced. Then I got into a 4 year LTR with a good friend, which ended. About 2 months after that ended, I got into a 3 year LTR with another good friend. That relationship ended close to a year ago. I'm now 31 years old, so this is my first time single and dating strangers since I was 24.
I was thinking that dating and sex with guys in their 30's would be much better than with college guys. We would communicate! I would tell them what I liked and they would tell me what they liked! We would respect each other!
But it hasn't gone that way at all and I need help figuring out what to do differently.
I started dating a guy and told him I didn't like to have my nipples stimulated, but I was okay with the rest of my breasts being touched. He said okay, but then started running his hands up and down the sides of my breasts, slowly getting closer and closer to the center, until he was running them over my nipples. At first I thought he just didn't realize so I moved his hands a bit away, and he immediately moved them right back. I moved them away one more time and when he moved them back, I realized he was doing it on purpose. It sucked.
I dated a guy who would stay away from my nipples during sex until the very end of intercourse, when he was about to come, and then he would grab them suddenly. I was about to come the first time he did that, and it ruined it for me. But at first I thought he was just in the heat of the moment and forgot. The next time we had sex, he almost did the same thing at the end. But I saw him going for them and I covered them with my hands. He actually started digging his hands under my hands trying to get at them. I actually started laughing, it was so ridiculous. I mean it was obvious I didn't want them to be touched, there could be no pretense that he didn't realize.
I dated another guy who was also physically pushy about it. He kept sliding down to go between my legs face first and I kept pulling him up, saying I wasn't into it. He kept telling me not to be shy, and I clearly said, "I'm not shy at all, I just really don't like that." His reply: "Just lay back and enjoy it." I was speechless. I clearly told him that I didn't enjoy it, but he was going to keep trying to push me into it?
That same guy was also focused on how he wanted to "pleasure" me by stimulating my breasts. I removed his hands and said, "I really want to have sex with you. How about we just have sex?" He put his hands back, like the other guy! I removed them again and he got upset, saying, "If I can't touch your breasts now it's like we're going backwards around the bases!"
I try to be clear and straightforward about my limits with all of these guys. But they all think I'm just confused in some way and it's not possible that I really don't like what I am telling them I don't like. Some of them have told me I am just shy and sexually timid, or some kind of conservative virgin - I'm not at all, I spent my whole early 20's experimenting and I've never been shy about it. Some of them have told me I am just neurotic or have psychological problems or was maybe molested. I was never molested or sexually pressured by anyone except these guys themselves. I am totally healthy physically and psychologically and I'm starting to feel really disrespected when this comes up. Just because my dislikes might be rare doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me for having them. It's just what feels good to my body.
So far, the guys who I have dated have been a mix of friends, acquaintances, and strangers, the length of time we've known each other has varied from a year to a few weeks. Some have been from the US and some from other countries. It hasn't been a casual sex situation in any of the cases, in all of these cases, it's been regular dating. None of them act pushy or like jerks in any other way in life. So, I don't think there's anything there.
What do I need to do differently? Is there a better way to tell men about my limits? How do I find someone who would be fine with them without going through more of this pressuring or judging?