How can an inexperienced-for-his-age guy find NSA sex?

February 20, 2013 9:47 AM

Early-30s straight guy here. Shy with women, by no means a social butterfly (social moth?), so have little sexual experience - I lost my virginity relatively late and have only had a handful of very brief relationships and one-night stands since. I'd like to have some casual sex as a way of gaining confidence and learning the ropes (oh, and for fun), but haven't had any success finding it so far. Ideas?

What I've tried so far is Craigslist casual encounters, where I've posted about half a dozen ads saying basically the above. Apart from the mountains of spam, I've had one or two genuine responses, but those women flaked or got cold feet after exchanging a couple of emails.

I have an OKCupid profile, but I don't want to mention the inexperienced/NSA thing there because half the people I know are on OKC and it would embarrass me if they stumbled upon it.

What else should I be trying? Are paid sites like Adult Friend Finder and Ashley Madison worth a shot? I guess I could try the bar scene, but (apart from the fact that I seriously suck at chatting women up) it seems like it would be very awkward to bring a woman home, start getting intimate and then have to tell her I basically don't know what I'm doing, while it would be equally weird to blurt out "Oh btw, I'm a near virgin" when flirting over a beer. I want to have that laid out (pun honestly unintended) from the start.

(Please no replies along the lines of "look for a real relationship" - I'm doing that too (no luck there either, thanks for asking) but this question isn't about that.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 answers total)

Drop the low self-esteem. If you're reasonably polite and listen to what the folks you want to hook up with say/want, you're ahead of many, many guys. Your amount of sexual experience sounds pretty normal, frankly.

You are not looking for special-needs-wallflower-dating/casual sex, you're just dating / looking for casual sex. It sucks for everyone. Reading some of the other askmes on this topic might help you feel better.

(Context: I am an early-30s single woman.)
posted by momus_window at 10:05 AM on February 20 [12 favorites]

1. Would you consider a sex worker if what you're looking for is practice? Some women are up for casual sex, but not many, unfortunately. (And I'm not sure how many of that small number would be excited by the idea of 'teaching the ropes' to an inexperienced guy - probably some, but not all).

2. You could just limit your OKC searches to women who state they want casual sex.
posted by namesarehard at 10:07 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]

If you find a way to do this, you could write a book and make millions!

Seriously, though, my advice is to not feel compelled to mention your experience level. It doesn't matter; what matters is being respectful, responsible, and having fun.
posted by Specklet at 10:09 AM on February 20 [5 favorites]

Honestly I suspect an affectionate girlfriend is going to be more interested in showing you the ropes than most casual encounters people - I know I would not be interested in a casual encounter with someone who felt tentative or inexperienced with sex. Why don't you just do online dating until you click with someone, and then have caring sex with her?
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:11 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]

Straight woman here: If you're putting your first paragraph up as your ad, it's TMI. Just post that you want some no strings attached fun, or friends with benefits. Any guy who thinks he DOES know what he's doing is a bad lover anyway- every woman is going to like different things in bed.

Personally, before I was coupled up I was more of a FWB type person. I wasn't going to sleep with anyone I wouldn't want to go on a hike with as well.

If you're just posting for sex, full stop, you're not going to get too many responses. There are a zillion guys sending penis pictures to every woman online and offering NSA sex, not to mention every creeper in the bar. I'm not saying you won't get anyone, but the odds are against you. If you can go into it without the expectation of sex (HOPES of sex are fine), and do something fun besides, I think you'll have better luck.

But seriously. No one needs to know about your experience or lack thereof, especially in your initial ad. I'm generalizing, obviously, but most women looking for sex want to have fun, not be someone's mentor.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:12 AM on February 20 [13 favorites]

look. stop saying that you're inexperienced. nobody ever trolls craigslist or okcupid looking for dudes who don't know what they're doing. quite frankly, if i'm gonna bone a rando, it's not gonna be someone who admits up front 'i'm probably not going to be able to sexually please you because i have no idea what i'm doing."

if you live in a larger city, okcupid is a pretty good way to find hookups. you don't have to really state what you said in your profile at all, but there are some questions about what you're looking for. i've found that 'short-term dating' is also a pretty well-used code phrase for 'let's bangarang pronto'
posted by kerning at 10:12 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]

You won't go to meet someone and they look at your forehead and they see your sleep number, the number of women you've been with. That doesn't happen. So don't tell them. They don't have to know.

You don't have to be in a relationship to have sex, but you have to know someone enough for them to accept your business in their business. NSA personal ads are low-reward for men. Go out on dates. You don't have to go on more than one with anyone. Tell them during the date what you're looking for. If things go well, ask them back to your place. If they are willing, kiss them and have sex.

You're inexperienced? Guess what? A lot of people are. Know what helps? Education. Learn women's bodies. Don't learn from porn porn. (Though there are some great educational titles now...look up Tristan Taormino's stuff) The more you know, the more you can do.

Of course, all women are different. Listen to them at all times. Ask them what they like. They'll tell you.
posted by inturnaround at 10:26 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]

Why don't you just go to someplace where prostitution is legal?
posted by discopolo at 10:46 AM on February 20

I don't really have any "picking up women" advice. I just want to reiterate that your experience level sounds fine, and frankly, I think you're getting hung up on what you think is a low "number" which probably hurts you when it comes to finding women to sleep with.

Of course, all women are different. Listen to them at all times. Ask them what they like. They'll tell you.

This. Yes, there are skills and techniques to know, but every partner is different and things are often (usually?) a bit awkward the first few times with a new person anyway. Honestly, if I were to have a one-night-stand, I would much prefer to do it with a guy who was less experienced but paid careful attention to what I liked and didn't like than a guy who had lots of experience but didn't seem as interested in my enjoyment, or came in with a set idea of what I should like.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 10:48 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]

A friend had success on Adult Friend Finder. He was in his mid 20's and the women were in their 40's - 50's.

Have you tried Plenty of Fish (pof.com)? I've gone on meetups through that site that turned into offers for FWB or NSA sex (that was after a couple days of messaging and a coffee date.)
posted by bleucube at 11:00 AM on February 20

You've got to drop your apologetic attitude. You have no idea how bad many guys are in bed even with years of experience, so your lack of it is truly not a problem. Relax, have fun, and don't fear rejection or stress about disappointing someone. Casual sex is no big deal, right?
posted by General Tonic at 11:02 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]

Short answer: use OkCupid in a major city; "short-term dating" tends to mean casual sex with drinks beforehand.

Long answer: How do I relax and just get laid, rather than obsessing over it? Feel free to skip the parts about queerdom, but the rest should all apply.
posted by modernserf at 11:13 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]

I think your Craigslist odds will be much improved if you axe your top paragraph, as others have suggested, and make your ad something special beyond just "I'm looking for sex." Even if that's true, you need your posting to stand out with something not so run-of-the-mill.

What thing (or kinds of things) REALLY excite you about sex (even if just today, then something different tomorrow)? What's something new you'd like to try? Are there specific (especially if unusual) physical attributes that really turn you on? What kinds of efforts or unique scenarios are you offering?

If really you just want "plain" sex with... anyone..., well, still, you need to make yours the ad that appeals to women looking for the same. One friend had great luck writing an ad in haiku. Another just by using a movie quote in his title. Show some personality, cleverness and/or warmth. You can always lay out (what you perceive to be) your limited experience once you're in contact with someone; that really doesn't need to be your "hook." Otherwise (or in addition), you might also try targeting an ad specifically to women your age and older, and/or self-described dominant women, who may be more patient/excited upfront about showing someone "the ropes."

(Finally, even if your okcupid profile doesn't SAY you're looking for casual sex, there's no reason you can't message people who say THEY are, and just describe briefly why your profile may seem a bit more traditional. Or so I've, um, heard.)
posted by argonauta at 11:23 AM on February 20

You mentioned Ashley Madison. If your goal is to build up your confidence, I would caution against getting involved with people who are pursuing covert-ops sexual dalliances. Thar be dragons. You might do yourself more harm than good.

Adult Friendfinder is a bit scammy (too many fake vs. real profiles), but you could give it a short run and see what happens.

CL probably is too competitive to produce reliable results for you. A woman posting an NSA ad will receive hundreds of replies overnight, with a surprising number of those being from top-drawer candidates.

A more boutique-dating-site approach might help you. If you have a particular (non-sexual) interest, there's probably a dating site for it.

And yes, perhaps posting an ad on a older-woman/younger-man site might get you some nibbles.
posted by nacho fries at 11:59 AM on February 20

Casual sex is one of the places where Dunning-Kruger syndrome abounds. As someone who doesn't think he's an expert, you're already ahead of the game, because it makes you more likely to listen to what a particular partner might dig than just run through your litany of "moves" regardless.

And no jackhammering, unless the person you are getting it on with says "You know what I'd like right now? Jackhammering."
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:15 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]

Maybe the recommended course of action depends on where you live, but as a thirtysomething lady residing in a major city, I think a lot of you are overthinking this.

There are plenty of people on OKC looking for casual sex. The code for this is "activity partners." No need to mention your (according to you) lack of experience. Write a good profile. Search for people looking for "activity partners" or something less euphemistic. Send thoughtful personal notes to the ones you like. Rinse. Repeat.

Would you consider a sex worker if what you're looking for is practice? Some women are up for casual sex, but not many, unfortunately.

I don't think I'd care whether someone lacked experience, but knowing they'd been to a sex worker would give me pause. Also, I know just as many women as men who are into casual sex, which is to say plenty. Again, I think it probably depends on where you are.
posted by the_blizz at 12:16 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]

There are plenty of people on OKC looking for casual sex. The code for this is "activity partners."

This is news to me, and I find myself baffled. The OKC interface that includes the "activity partners" option also includes a "casual sex" option. Why don't they just use that? Is it so other people won't know? Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose?
posted by baf at 12:28 PM on February 20

If activity partners is code for casual sex, then all the options are code for casual sex.

Which may well be the case, if my experience is any indication.
posted by modernserf at 12:29 PM on February 20

The OKC interface that includes the "activity partners" option also includes a "casual sex" option. Why don't they just use that?

Because it sounds a little too forward?
posted by the_blizz at 1:17 PM on February 20

[This is a followup from the asker.]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. A recurring theme seems to be "Don't disclose your inexperience", but another one is "Most women aren't interested in casual sex with an inexperienced guy". Don't these contradict each other? I mean, the fact that I'm in that class would become obvious pretty quickly once sexytimes started happening, so how is it not better to be honest about it ahead of time? It's exactly comments like "I know I would not be interested in a casual encounter with someone who felt tentative or inexperienced with sex" that make me think full disclosure is advisable. What good can come of false advertising? Just as importantly, I myself would feel a lot less nervous/anxious if I knew that she knew that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

Maybe the logical conclusion from the above is that NSA sex just isn't the way to go, but I can't help thinking there must be women out there who would be turned on by the idea of taking someone like me under their wings, and there must be some way of finding them.

posted by cortex at 1:38 PM on February 20

You seem to think that your inexperence is hella crazy small. It actually isnt. A lot of people dont have bitch ton of hookup history. Women mostly dont care about your spotty history. They care about you wanting to do it with them, and how much they want to get done by you.

There isnt a right way to fuck, and the way people get "better" at it is that they get better at adjusting to what their partner needs. Usually you know how to adjust by asking them what they like. Doing it with a hundred women very well may not bell you get this one particular girl to orgasim.

Not mentioning your inexperence isnt about tricking them- its just that they really dont care or need to know. Kinda like opening the ad with "im about ten pounds over wieght and my hairline is receding and my mom is a little crazy. Wanna See my peen?" You dont want to bring it up because talking about it days wwwaaayyy more about you than you actually having those qualities does.
posted by Blisterlips at 2:19 PM on February 20

Anyway- build confidence by talking to women in bars, flirting on the street and all that. Ask women out on real-deal actual dates and dont get freaked out.when most reject you, cause most people get rejected most of the time. Getting confortable and taking lote of chances is how youre gonna get laid more.
posted by Blisterlips at 2:24 PM on February 20

The single best answer to this is: lower your standards.
posted by rr at 2:33 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]

Maybe the logical conclusion from the above is that NSA sex just isn't the way to go, but I can't help thinking there must be women out there who would be turned on by the idea of taking someone like me under their wings, and there must be some way of finding them.

There are, but not as many as some younger men would like to think. And you don't find them, they find you. (I'm not trying to be funny, this really is my experience.)

But you might be going about it from the wrong angle. Seeking women interested in casual sex is like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. You take the group of women "out there" who might be attracted to you, narrow it down by the women to whom you are attracted, and *then* you filter that by the tiny percentage of women who are amenable to entering into an explicitly stated casual relationship. That's not very many women at all.

(Don't discount the explicitly stated part. Lots of people might like the idea, in theory, of having a casual relationship for whatever reason, but it is a much bigger leap to actually talk about it ahead of time and saying what amounts to "do you want to be a prostitute for me that I don't have to pay?".)

The way to gain experience is to do. Go out and meet people, get to know them and maybe develop an intimate relationship. Do the soul-crushing work of sending out 10 emails on OKCupid and only getting one response. Chat a bit, meet for coffee, see if you click and move from there.

Another thing: pleasing a partner sexually is a lot about *them* being into it. If someone really likes you and wants to get in your pants, they will have an enjoyable time and even cut you some slack because they enjoy being intimate. Intimacy, with all its embarrassing burps, folds and smells, is what gets most people off. So developing relationships and intimacy will get you farther than being a first-class cocksman who still gets nervous when a girl smiles at him. A bad script with good actors is still a bad show. But a good script with bad actors can be enjoyable. The bad script will not improve with repeat performances, but the actors can.

Finally, don't fall into the delusion that being sexually and romantically inexperienced is what is causing you to not be successful with women. It's the direct opposite: you are inexperienced because you aren't successful with women. So work on that, and the experience will come. No pun intended.
posted by gjc at 6:44 PM on February 20

Regarding the contradiction:

Sensitivity to a partner's reactions trumps experience. Echoing Sidhedevil's post above, think of it as not being bound by preconceived notions and being a great listener. You can be absolutely firm -- not tentative at all -- in your commitment to try out different touches and seeing what your partner prefers.

Practice putting on a condom and masturbating with it, if you want homework to do. This is probably your prophylactic of choice if you're looking for NSA sex, and if you can be confident that this particular step is going to go on easy (pun intended), you can be more confident about the entire encounter.

[use good lube! find the correct size / shape!]

Finally, at ends of dates that go well, you might have to play into the societal narrative and make the first move. As far as I've heard, the game of courtship does not adjust itself to level=novice and have her ask, "Will you have sex with me?"
posted by batter_my_heart at 12:32 AM on February 21

Thanks for the responses, everyone. A recurring theme seems to be "Don't disclose your inexperience", but another one is "Most women aren't interested in casual sex with an inexperienced guy". Don't these contradict each other? I mean, the fact that I'm in that class would become obvious pretty quickly once sexytimes started happening, so how is it not better to be honest about it ahead of time?

It's not a contradiction at all. There's a difference between being inexperienced and being billed as inexperienced. "I am super insecure!" is what you're advertising with early disclosure.

Now once you get in the bedroom, you could say that you haven't been with a ton of women before. But don't lead with that, man. Your list of women willing to bed you after that will shrink.


It's exactly comments like "I know I would not be interested in a casual encounter with someone who felt tentative or inexperienced with sex" that make me think full disclosure is advisable. What good can come of false advertising? Just as importantly, I myself would feel a lot less nervous/anxious if I knew that she knew that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

False advertisement? Do you think most people go to bed with people after telling the other "I've had sex with way a lot of people...like 100!"

False advertisement is saying you slept with 100 when you are a virgin. Being mute on the subject is not false advertisement. You're never under any obligation to disclose this.

And you will know what you're doing. What information do you think you lack about sex? You've done it before. You know what part goes where. Like I said before, they won't know if you don't tell and if you ask them what they want. Get out of your damn head and into a willing lady's pants.
posted by inturnaround at 5:35 AM on February 21