And if you don't kink then you're no friend of mine.
February 20, 2013 7:05 AM Subscribe
I'm kinky, but only sometimes. He's kinky, all the time, and more so than me. He also displays a focus on certain specific sex acts that I find worrying and is interfering with our sex life - not the things we do, but the things it seems he has to do to come or be happy. How do we deal with this? What do these desires of his mean? And if I'm not into the things he has to do, does it mean he's not into me? (Insecurities abound)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
This is a long-term relationship problem - these are things that were fine initially but are starting to creep up.
For starters, I do like kinky sex and BDSM, but it's very much the cherry on top for me rather than the entire ice cream sundae. I can have relatively vanilla sex that is amazing, especially if I use a vibrator to help. My husband, however, really, really likes kinky sex - to the extent that he has severe difficulty coming when our sex is vanilla. Last night, I tried to initiate sex, and he was very obviously not into it once I asked him to do a slow build. If I ask for BDSM type sex, he's usually up for it, but he also I think feels like I am not as hardcore as him, and wishes I would be so.
He is also very focused on anal sex, and things related to it, in a way that I find really upsetting. When we have regular sex, he prefers to do it from behind so he can look at and feel my ass. He really likes to include anal toys for both of us - his preference would be to always include them. When we're having sex, if we start dirty-talking, he likes to talk about what it would be like if we were having anal sex. He is wildly enthusiastic about me wearing a strap-on, and I know wishes I would use it more.
I have not, including now, had anal sex. Initially when he started expressing an interest in this, I was willing to give it a good shot - I've enjoyed sex with anal toys before, and it was something he really wanted. We were going to be working on building me up to it slowly. But now the focus on it makes me really frustrated and almost not want to have it at all. I feel like the anal sex thing is taking over our sex life.
I am having a really hard time understanding what seems like a strange obsession to me. It really also increases my feelings of insecurity. For me, sex is fun and awesome but also indicative of the closeness of the relationship. When he seems to only want to have BDSM or anal sex with me, it feels like he doesn't love me unless I am doing exactly what he wants. I'm also starting to lose my enjoyment of sex from behind - which I love the physicality of - because it is making me feel like he doesn't want to see my face. When he can't come from vanilla sex, it makes me feel like he doesn't love me at all. Sometimes I also wonder if all the focus on anal sex means that he would prefer to have sex with men. I know he has had a strong attraction to pre-op trans ladies, which I know for some guys is the "I'm not gay, but" of our time. (I stress, it would be cool if he were into men, except that I am not a dude so that I think I would lose in this situation)
tl;dr: He wants all BDSM and all anal, all the time - and at this point, it's the only way he can come. WTF? Can we never have regular sex? And what does it all mean?