Heart broken & snubbed

February 19, 2013 10:15 PM

How can I stop thinking and worrying about this problem? I was going out with a women for 8 months (5 months long distance, she moved for a school), she was great except she never apologize for anything, unless I bring up. And we broke up after we had a disagreement on a topic and she said the following "may be you need to find somebody else if you need more sympathy on this." That really hurt me, still does and the insult or harsh words keeps me up at nights. I am in depression. Few weeks later I decided to put it all behind and we spoke and started out saying dont need your stupid apology, I tried to underplay my heart break, after few minutes of conversation she said you sound like you need the apology. I am just shocked how when some one can talk about apology without apologizing after saying unpleasent things earlier.

I wish I could forget and get over the dissappointmnet and shame. I dont know if I am stiff over her comments because I am a guy and pride is a big part of any human especially when I treat her nice. Also Do you think she being a year older than me, has any play in this, we are in our 30s. Any help please?

posted by globalbuddy to human relations (21 answers total)

[edited as per OP to make the question clearer.]
posted by taz at 12:05 AM on February 20

The next time a thought occurs to you about this woman, make a conscious effort to think about the thought and not the woman. Watch the thought arrive in your mind. Watch its importance expand in your mind. And then watch it deflate and float away. The move on.

After you get good at this, try to look for the source of these thoughts. Where are they coming from? Why do they keep coming at you?
posted by b1tr0t at 12:15 AM on February 20 [9 favorites]

It's okay to go over this stuff in your head after a relationship for a while, trying to figure out where you went wrong, but honestly sometimes relationships just don't work out and its no ones fault. Stop trying to figure out where to place the blame and just move on. Keep busy, and try and hang out with other people. And stop talking to her, it won't help you get over her.
posted by empath at 12:20 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]

In principle, she may have a point here, you know. If you expect her to do a certain thing ("apologize", you say), and she "never" does this thing for you, she might indeed not be an optimal partner for you. So, are hers "harsh" words, even an "insult", or are they rather words of wisdom, one wonders.

Talking about how to deal with situations like this, it may help to actively pull apart the entangled bits, and look at them closely one by one:
"she did this to me,"
is different from
"this happened in our relationship because of our mutual interaction,"
is again different from
"this is the result of a mismatch of mutual expectations,"
is again different from
"this has happened because I am unable to swallow my pride." - just to give a few examples.

You can do the same when analyzing your emotions. Are you feeling hurt? Insulted? You treated her well, you say, and she gave you harsh words - why would you talk about "shame" and not only about "being shocked"? What is, in fact "depression" to you? Sorting this stuff through will help you get over it.
posted by Namlit at 1:16 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]

Honesty it sounds like she was right - you do need more of a nurturer than she is willing or able to be.

That's okay. That's not a problem with you, that's just a mismatch between the two of you. I mean, I certainly understand how that can be disappointing for things to not work out, and of course it's reasonable to feel bad about breaking up, but in the long run there's nothing really to be done but to chock this up as learning a bit more about what you're looking for in future relationships.

For people in their thirties, a year older doesn't seem very significant. I'm not sure what you're expecting to happen because she's older than you. More mature? Random variation will matter a lot more than a 3% of your lifespan. More compassionate? I don't even know if that's something that increases with age. I think the age difference is a red herring, unless you've got some expectations bundled up in it that you're not stating.
posted by aubilenon at 1:30 AM on February 20 [10 favorites]

In experience, if you wait for apologies following a breakup, you can be waiting forever. Let's face it, that's a large reason that breakups occur - because of breakdowns in the way you interact. And part of the joy of not being together anymore is that you don't have to deal with that crap now, so why are you still engaging? If anything, she's right, and it is a sign you shouldn't be together. You want someone she's not. You can't force anyone to apologise, and even if you could, why would you want it, if it wasn't genuine. Stop trying to control your interactions and make her responsible for your depression - and the shame part? I don't get that either. Let her go, there's someone out there who can love you the way you need, you just have to find it.
posted by Jubey at 1:43 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]

It's ok to feel like you needed more from this lady than she was prepared to give you, but best to draw the line at blaming her for that.

As others have said, it's more positive to look forwards than backwards - turn this experience into a learning for the future, move on, and look harder for someone who can fulfill the needs you have without leaving you wanting something from them that they can't give you.
posted by greenish at 3:01 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. That sucks. Here's what I do when I feel like people don't give me what I need and it may sound goofball but I swear it works. I become two people: the injured dfs and the gentle, healing dfs. Then the healing side give my injured side what I need. The whole thing makes me laugh at myself a little bit, then it makes me love myself a little bit and I start to feel better.

Seriously try it in whatever voice works for you. I'll say to myself: self! That was so mean what so and so said. I'm so sorry they did that to you. Then I answer: yeah thanks self. It hurt. It made me feel like this and this. It made me think this and this. Then the healing self offers comfort: what can we do to make you feel better? What do you need right now? And injured self tells the healer what to do.

Give yourself what you need right now. You can't change what happened or what others do or don't do. But you can influence your response to it. The main thing I wish I could do in retrospect with breakups is I wish I'd let it go earlier. Easy to say I know. I hope you feel better and good luck.
posted by dog food sugar at 3:28 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]

I dont know if I am stiff over her comments because I am a guy and pride is a big part of any human especially when I treat her nice. Also Do you think she being a year older than me, has any play in this, we are in our 30s.

These last two sentences make me think that you have societal expectations of how men and women should behave in relationships. You met a woman who wasn't up to performing empathy and you're saying this hurt your pride. If I understand correctly, a part of the reason your pride is hurt is because "you're a guy". Somehow you might have registered that she was saying you weren't "tough enough" for her - and you might be attached to feeling like the strong protector in a relationship.

I'd love to delve into the sociological side of this all with you, but I think the most helpful thing to do is tell you this: there are tons of women out there who are good at empathy and who won't make you feel emasculated. The bottom line is, as everyone else here has said, that you weren't compatible with this woman. When you next meet someone, make sure you evaluate your own needs. Don't get caught up in a relationship where you want your partner to change. And see incompatibility for what it is: incompatibility, no more, no less.
posted by Milau at 4:55 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]

"may be you need to find somebody else if you need more sympathy on this."

I have to agree with her here. You say "she was great" but that's the only positive thing about her you post. It almost seems that her value consists of her ability to hurt you. Why aren't you looking for someone else?
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:11 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]

The one thing you quote her as saying does not sound like something that you should expect an apology for - "may be you need to find somebody else if you need more sympathy on this."

As far as I can tell she was not hurtful out of anger or malice; she spoke the truth and sometimes the truth is hard to hear, but generally telling the truth should not require an apology.

It sounds like you are experiencing normal breakup hurt and are telling yourself that if she apologized you would feel better. You wouldn't, though. You'll still be broken up. And even if you got back together - it doesn't sound like you made each other happy.

Be nice to yourself, do things that you enjoy, and stop spending time with her - the hurt feelings will fade.
posted by bunderful at 5:50 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]

It hurts when relationships end. It hurts when people don't give us what we need. That's okay. Just live with the pain for a while and don't try to do anything with it.

After you've had some time, in your next relationship and life in general, try to be more honest. Be honest about how you feel and what you need. Because pretending not to care caused you pain, I think. And in the end, you need someone who interacts with you differently than this woman did, and to find her, you need to narrow your search by selecting for or against those characteristics.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:37 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]

I am just shocked how when some one can talk about apology without apologizing after saying unpleasent things earlier.

I imagine it's because she is not sorry for saying what she did, and that the unpleasant things she said were true. Apologizing would just be some words--a gesture to placate you. And she doesn't want to placate you.
posted by General Tonic at 6:49 AM on February 20 [15 favorites]

Perhaps she's simply not sorry. Perhaps you have a need for approval from this woman, and she is unwilling to give it. Perhaps you should work on not needing approval from this woman, and stay away from her, and remember that over time these thoughts will get easier to deal with.
posted by davejay at 8:32 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]

She couldn't give you what you wanted. You're taking that as a judgement of you, but if that's how she is, it is the right thing to tell you the truth. This is about her, and about the two of you not being a good match.

You being nice to her doesn't mean she has to do what you want.

She doesn't have to apologize to you or anybody else for being who she is. You're choosing to make this a question of "pride" and "shame" for what sounds like kind of sexist reasons. Go find somebody who's a better match for your personality and philosophy.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:49 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]

Few weeks later I decided to put it all behind and we spoke and started out saying dont need your stupid apology

That's not how to put something behind you. If you're still bringing up when you talk to her, you clearly are still hanging on to whatever issue it was that you feel she ought to apologize for; you're just expressing it in a different way.

Score-keeping (keeping track of who owes what to who) and an overabundance of pride both can make relationships more difficult; if you can let go of that kind of thinking things will get a lot easier for you.

I doubt her age has any relevance.
posted by ook at 9:35 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]

I don't really get people agreeing with the woman here- I think there just isn't enough info either way to make a case.

she was great except she never apologize for anything, unless I bring up.

This is a compatibility issue based on personality differences. You are clearly the sort of person who does apologize for things, which is why you think everyone does the same. I can understand because to me, its just plain courtesy- esp when you bring it up. The fact that she still does not apologize but talks about it clearly shows that for whatever reason she does not think an apology is due. Do you really think you can live with a person who differs on such a basic point of view? Because if this is an issue in the relationship, I bet there are more serious differences in your outlooks that makes you highly incompatible. Use this no-apology approach when testing waters with other women in the future. And read the last point in my response on another question here.


And we broke up after we had a disagreement on a topic and she said the following "may be you need to find somebody else if you need more sympathy on this." That really hurt me, still does and the insult or harsh words keeps me up at nights.


This is why its an excellent idea to have zero-contact with the person you have broken up with. Then, irrespective of the time of your relationship, give yourself a good 6-8 months to heal. Put off any requests for talking about anything or meeting till after this time.

I am in depression.

The above is a good strategy esp when depression is involved. Depression will follow anyway as part of the grieving for the loss of the relationship. You are the only one who can be kind to you right now. Don't expect to get it from her, of all people.

Few weeks later I decided to put it all behind and we spoke and started out...

Nah. No contact for 6-8 months.

...saying dont need your stupid apology, I tried to underplay my heart break, after few minutes of conversation she said you sound like you need the apology. I am just shocked how when some one can talk about apology without apologizing after saying unpleasent things earlier.


You are pouring alcohol over your wounds by doing this. At this point, its not about her. Its about you- you really need to go zero-contact ASAP!

I wish I could forget and get over the dissappointmnet and shame. I dont know if I am stiff over her comments because I am a guy and pride is a big part of any human especially when I treat her nice.


It is but natural to feel disappointed! But shame? Nah. I don't know what your views are on what men and women should bring to the relationship but in my opinion, there is nothing shameful for you because she is acting differently from your expectations. Its hurtful and it stings but there is nothing you have done that you should feel shame about. And try not to obsess over the "why" of her behaviour- you are two different people who think and act differently- thats all.

Also Do you think she being a year older than me, has any play in this, we are in our 30s.

Don't expect every person to behave with compassion, empathy and maturity just because they have reached a certain age. You'll be disappointed by the ones in their 30s and beyond, and pleasantly surprised by those in 20s and younger.
posted by xm at 12:31 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]

Thanks for all the insights.

Is unfriending her on Facebook part of zero-contact? Or is it okay leave exs as friends?
posted by globalbuddy at 1:27 PM on February 20

Unfriend her on facebook and delete her contact info.

If you're going to be friends again it won't be for a while, maybe more than a year. As I believe someone pointed out here once, you can't really be friends with an ex until you can hear that they are getting married or having children with someone else, and feel only happiness for them.
posted by bunderful at 1:35 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]

Unfriend her on facebook and delete her contact info.

Yes, yes it is. From Facebook, from your phone, and so on. Make sure your friends know you're no longer together, too, so that they can be supportive.
posted by davejay at 8:15 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]

When you buy two apples and eat both of them, how many are left?

Zero, right? That's what "zero" means. No facebook, no friends, nothing. Nada. Zilch.

You seem to especially need this as your mind is desperately trying to keep her in your life. You are just stabbing your own heart with a pair of scissors and then asking people here why it hurts.

I wish you peace!
posted by xm at 8:13 PM on February 21