Help me process my post-foursome thoughts about being less interesting or sexy than the other participants.
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a few weeks ago going into a potential foursome. Now that the event is behind us, my wife has some follow-up questions. From her:
The foursome (me, my husband, and two women in a couple) went really well, all things considered, but now I have some questions as I'm mentally processing it. Generally speaking, I'm dealing with some personal insecurity, which is all in my head. Very little of it came to mind during the event, but the racing thoughts hit me surprisingly hard afterward. I'm prone to overthinking, and I know that,. My husband assures me that everyone enjoyed my presence and contributions, and both women indicated as much as well, but my brain doesn't seem to accept this. I need to know what to do about it. I'd like a proactive way of addressing and relieving these thoughts - either actions I can take or ways to reframe how I think. I suppose "just stop overthinking" is a fair perspective, but my brain won't shut up about it, so I don't think hearing it from the hive mind would be particularly helpful.
Throughout the weekend with the other couple, I noticed that I was a little bit of the odd one in a number of ways. The other three people are all part of the same creative industry. They're all extroverts. They're all casual. Those are some of the obvious surface differences. I'm a much more introverted, structured person. I know that being different from my husband makes me appealing to him, but the fact that the two ladies are very similar to each other (at least on the surface) made me wonder what they see in me. I fully appreciate that my husband loves me as a complete person, but the fact that I don't know either lady well led me to the conclusion that my main contribution to them was something physical, which my brain is not accepting very well. I'm used to being the smart, organized, thoughtful person, because those are my strengths and I've found ways to shine through those. Having grown up being on the heavy side, I don't trust people who are more attractive than me finding me attractive. (I'd say on the typical 1 to 10 scale, my husband and I are the same rank. I'd place them a notch or two above us.)
I could probably ignore all that when taken in isolation, except in the context of the actual sexual event these ideas were all heightened. In particular, I feel like I didn't have much to contribute other than my presence - I feel neither skillful in a giving or receiving context. On the giving side, while I did my best, I didn't have previous experience with women, so I was fumbling around (and they weren't particularly responsive to my request for directions). On the receiving side, I feel like my orgasm was a thoroughly unimpressive show. In contrast, the other two women seem to have sex like porn stars, and I didn't get the impression that they were doing it just for show.
Everyone seems interested in a repeat event in the future, but I need to sort through these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy before I'd feel ready for that. I'm pretty sure it's all in my head - my husband has been so incredibly complimentary, and the other ladies have been complimentary as well. (I wasn't privy to a lot of that because I went for a run and unknowingly missed the debrief they had with my husband.) I'd be interested in getting their feedback in some way, but I'm not sure how to solicit feedback, since they're not very communicative with us when we're not in the same place.
So I need to find a way to feel like a more attractive person, both in a general social context and in a sexual context. I feel like I need to find some ways to make myself more notable or like I have more to offer. I'm not sure whether I need to dive more seriously into some non-work activities that I already enjoy (running, yoga, knitting), take on new interests, or if I need to work on my sex skills. My husband and I invoke Dan Savage's concept of GGG a lot, and I feel like I've lost my "good" card (though I very much have my "giving" and "game" cards securely in hand). How do I work on sex skills, either in a general context (with my husband) or in preparing myself for a future encounter with the other couple?