Is There Ever A Chance After You're Rejected?
February 19, 2013 10:29 AM Subscribe
Do people ever reconsider after rejecting someone? Or is that a pipe dream? I asked someone out and got rejected...but things seem to remain unclear.
posted by christiehawk to Human Relations (50 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I’m having an interesting time trying to navigate the results of recently asking my friend out. She rejected me by stating that she “didn’t think we should date.” Overall it went really well and she was really nice about it, and asked if we could still hang out, which I said of course. However, since I asked her out it seems the tables have turned and she has been initiating much more than she used to in terms of asking me to hang out. I was expecting to take some space, but she picked everything right back up 2 days after I asked her out.
The first night we hung out after I asked her out she invited me over to meet a new pet she got, and then after a while she suggested we get dinner, completely her initiation and idea. That’s what really surprised me and started this whole process in my head that maybe I still had a chance, or she might change her mind. It felt like we were on a date, and I got seriously thrown for a loop. If it weren’t for my horrible luck – two friends of hers just happened to be in the same restaurant and came running over and asked to join us – we would have been having dinner together at a candle-lit table.
Before I asked her out, I was initiating a lot of our meetups and interactions. Now after having asked her out, she is initiating much more than me, on a regular basis. And it’s confusing the hell out of me because it almost seems we are getting even closer since I asked her out. She is not acting obviously flirty, but she just seems to be coming after me with invites, comments on social media with inside jokes only I would know, etc.
I’m so, so glad our friendship is not ruined, and it’s not like I want to cut off contact with her or drop her. But I’m seriously confused by her behavior since it seems to be the exact opposite of what I would do if a friend asked me out and I declined.
So I guess I’m wondering how to proceed, because it’s slowly making me crazy. I feel like I’m back in the same mental rut I was in before I asked her out with all the second guessing and sign reading I’m doing, wondering if I should contact her and looking at my phone all the time hoping she'll contact me. The way she phrased it when she turned me down plus her current behavior is preventing me from moving on. In my mind it feels like she likes me but there’s some arbitrary reason she doesn’t think we should date (drama? Friends of ex’s? in the last year there was definitely some drama with her and some of my friends. At first I was wary of pursuing anything with her because of all that drama, but over time I just ended up falling for her. And no she isn't the ex of a best or good friend. There could be a long story here but I'll summarize and say; yes there was drama but this is the microcosm of lesbian dating and it's hard to find someone who is completely removed from your friends group.)
I would have written her behavior off as her just making sure everything is cool, but after two weeks she continues to initiate a lot of contact (meeting up, social media comments/interactions, etc). It hasn’t been all her, I have initiated here and there because obviously I still like her. But I definitely backed off on how much I had been doing before the rejection.
To be fair, most of my friends (and even my psychologist) thought I had a good chance and this girl was into me. That’s why this is hard for me to deal with. I’d be attempting to cut my losses and moving on from her and distancing myself, but obviously that’s hard when the other person is pursuing you to hang out and you REALLY want to be with them. So now I’ll go hang out and have a great time with her…and feel so empty and confused afterword.
On one hand I’m SO GLAD I asked her out. But on the other hand, I almost feel like I am back to where I started and it’s frustrating the heck out of me because things seem far from clear right now. I guess the ball is in her court now, but I'm wondering what to do with myself in the meantime, and I keep wondering if there's something I can do to make her come around.
So, do people ever change their minds? Do I have a chance and should I continue to stick around and see what happens? Is she just into me as a friend and has no idea about the signals she’s sending? Do I need to give up and stop seeing her and talking to her as much? I welcome any and all ideas and anecdotes.