Is my partner's shouting unusual?
February 18, 2013 7:09 PM Subscribe
I have a good husband who treats me well. But he shouts in arguments every once in a while -- once every couple of months, maybe -- and I don't have a good sense of whether I'm overreacting to this. I'm curious: Is there an appropriate way to shout in an argument or is it always inappropriate? And do you or your spouse shout?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (44 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
To be more specific, my husband never belittles me, calls me names or uses profanity. But he raises his voice to a bellow that the neighbors can probably hear (we live in an apartment) and that I find unsettling. The words themselves are your average fighting words -- "Jesus Christ, you refuse to just drop it," "No, I don't understand why that would be upsetting," etcetera.
The outburst usually comes when he feels that I keep pressing a point or trying to explain my point of view -- sometimes that comes after an hour of discussion; sometimes, it's after a minute or two. I, meanwhile, feel myself pressing a point or trying to explain my point of view because I can't tell if he's understanding or listening to what I'm saying.
Anyway, I go very quiet when he shouts, and the fight ends with both of us angry and silent. Later, he apologizes and we reaffirm how much we love each other -- but it is also his view that some people, himself included, have a tendency to shout during arguments, and I shouldn't get so freaked out by it.
We argue or fight a fairly typical amount, I think, not a lot but not a little -- usually over my irresponsibility and forgetfulness or his irritability and negativity -- and usually do it without any raised voices, for what that's worth.
And he is awesome, I feel like I should reiterate -- a good person who I love very much, with this one tendency that bothers me (as I know I have tendencies that bother him).
Just trying to figure out if this sort of shouting is pretty typical and even healthy or if shouting is always inappropriate.