Coming out & Overseas Relationships
February 18, 2013 4:22 PM Subscribe
I finally came out to myself, my therapist and my mom. And I am in a deep overseas relationship with a guy that I met online from South America. Where do I go from here? Lots of details inside.
posted by mrdexterous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Hello! I am a 23 year old man and have been struggling with accepting my sexuality for my entire life. About 8 months ago, my life began to change when I met a guy online from a country in South America and fell in love with him. I worry that it will be hard for people to believe that you can fall in love like this (just as it was for me), but it did happen. Such passionate, deep sweet love. We really are lucky to have found each other's soulmate.
Since then, we've spent every day talking on video chat, phone, writing long letters, etc. We spent months dreaming about the moment that we would actually meet and be together. And then just two and half weeks ago that moment finally came true. I flew down to South America to meet him. We traveled together for two weeks and it was absolutely amazing.
While on the one hand I was so happy during the months leading up to this moment, I have also never felt so alone and sad in life. I live alone, and nobody knew about my sexuality nor this relationship. But then about 3-4 weeks ago I decided that I needed to talk to someone about this. The happiness that I was feeling about this relationship was so much stronger and more powerful than the pain and secret of my sexuality that I was repressing for so many years. So I found a therapist (who also happens to be gay, older, very understanding, perfect mentor). And I came out to him about my sexuality and about my relationship right before I left. It felt amazing - like my system finally relaxed a bit.
Then I went on the trip, and just came back yesterday - to my empty apartment. And all I can say is that I felt a great deal of happiness and calm confused with a sense of sadness and pain. I miss my guy so much. Every little thing reminds me of him. And I can't seem to let it go. Having to say good bye to him at the end of the trip was the hardest moment of my life. I cried (and I never do that) for many hours during my 30 hour flight back home. When I got home, I entered the shower and was finally by myself and I just wept out loud and cried again, hyperventilating. Then I took a nap, and when I woke up, I was so delirious and confused for a few seconds. Crazy thoughts were running in my head... where am I? What time is it? I started to say the name of my guy out loud several times and looked around for him. And then suddenly the scary reality kicked in and I realized he was not there. I kinda freaked out, and just felt so broken. How can we be together again? So many logistics to overcome. And a long journey ahead of us.
Then I went to bed again and woke up at about 4am in the morning. I called my parents (7am their time) and told them that I was very sad that my trip is over and that my normal routine is starting again (they don't know the real reason for my trip and about my sexuality..) I told them that I feel like I have nothing exciting to look forward to. They tried to be very supportive and were really nice and said some comforting things. But then I started crying and getting super emotional. My dad had to leave, but my mom wanted to keep talking to me - because she felt like something deeper was up. We decided to video on Skype (haha just like how I met my guy).
And then all of a sudden, I just felt this intense urge to tell her everything. Through Skype (OMG!!). I was just so vulnerable and emotional and broken and confused. But at the same time, for the first time in my life I felt so ready to just talk. And she was soooooo supportive and it felt amazing. She sent me this text afterwards:
"It's about time you felt good, really good about yourself. You are an amazing person and I'm so proud to be your mom. Thinking about you and sending you so much light and love. I'm very proud of you and love you so much! Everything will fall into place, just be patient. If you and [name of my guy] are meant to be together, you will. Take one step at a time. Love you always!!"
I literally almost started to cry (AGAIN) haha. And I'm at work right now just thinking about it and about my guy and about everything. Anyways - sorry for my stream of consciousness but had to write about this to just let it out. I guess I also just wanted some validation, because I really feel proud of myself and just want to scream to the whole world about it. Never thought I would be able to get to this place. I have a LOT of work ahead of me still to do, but for the first time in my life I feel like I truly accept myself and love myself.
Would love to hear any thoughts or advice on where to go from here. I have a great job and not sure if it's worth moving away in the near future to be with him... yet at the same time I don't feel like I have any roots anywhere. He's in graduate school in a very specialized field in his country, very rooted, but also a bit lost yet open minded. We are both flexible and willing to think about all possibilities/options. Lots of things to face. I guess I just took the first step by talking to my mom about it. Thanks so much for listening!! Sorry my thoughts are not fully coherent.