Sorry to inflict this on you.

February 18, 2013 8:10 AM

My question is disgusting and primarily about my butt. Details below.

Hemorrhoids. I have had them for years. How do I cope?

I've asked several doctors about this, and each time I get the same answer - eat more fiber. I even specifically asked one about whether there was any way to actually get rid of them, and he said it wasn't worth it to try because whatever treatments exist would be more painful than the condition itself and were not guaranteed to be effective.

So now I am trying to figure out how to live with them and it's tricky in a couple of ways. One problem is that when they flare up (grade 3) they are painful. I can manage that. The real problem is how disgusting they are. I feel like the grossest vilest most nasty person. Even when things are mostly copacetic, there's stretched-out excess skin (I assume) hanging out disgustingly being ugly. This has totally outclassed whatever coping mechanisms I use to convince myself I am an appealing sexual partner even if I am not model-skinny or even if I do have yellow teeth. I am really worried that they will be visible during sex, especially in certain positions, and then I dunno, torrents of vomit and backing away and fleeing down the fire escape?

I literally have zero ideas of what to do about it. All the fiber in the world won't unstretch my stretchy skin. And during a flare up it's like something out of a horror movie.

Advice appreciated.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (28 answers total)

Someone I know had very good luck with laser therapy. I don't know what this involves actually, other than that my friend visited the doctor for treatment once a week over a month or two. Maybe you can find out what this therapy is called. My friend's treatment was nearly ten years ago, so maybe advances have been made since then. Good luck.
posted by Jenna Brown at 8:19 AM on February 18

Much like a hole in your tooth feels like a cavern when you explore it with your tongue, the skin in that area seems like it's huge and unsightly because you can feel it (there are a lot of nerve endings there), but from the other side, it's not really that bad.
posted by xingcat at 8:21 AM on February 18 [2 favorites]

. Fiber. Eat more.
. Water. Drink more.
. Exercise more.
These things make you poop more frequently and easily. Constipation and straining cause/ aggravate hemorrhoids.
. Constipation is one of the signs of low thyroid.
. Don't stay on the toilet. It encourages poor pooping habits.
. Prep. H or Lanacaine may help.
. Corn starch as powder aids comfort by keeping things dry.
. Get a squeeze bottle; you can use one from dish soap, or buy one. Add water, use to keep things extra clean after pooping.
. I think laser therapy can get rid of some of the enlarged veins. Worth checking out.
. It's a shame your health care provider listens so poorly.
posted by theora55 at 8:25 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

Well, I was just talking to a friend today who has had terrible haemorrhoids since giving birth 20 months ago, and she's having day surgery under general anaesthetic next week. Apparently it's described as 'removal of anal fissures', and will be preceded by a colonoscopy. So that's purely anecdotal, but if your doctor says you just have to live with them indefinitely, I'd seek a second opinion.
posted by Salamander at 8:30 AM on February 18

Why don't you take a mirror and get a good look at yourself? You might be surprised at how unassuming they really are.

Also, I feel like the difference between a normal asshole / hemorrhoid asshole is not that big of a deal. It's not like you have a third boob or testicle. Due to my job I get up close and personal with ~15 people and their hemorrhoids each day. This is crude but there are far, far odder body situations that people deal with.

Finally, look into hemorrhoid ligation.
posted by pintapicasso at 8:31 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

Irritable bowel veteran here. Have you tried different kinds of OTC fiber supplements? Like, different brands, with different major ingredients? I find that a supplement will work very well for a while, but then it's like my body gets used to it and I have to switch to something else. Don't just keep taking Metamucil and hoping for the best. And have you tried actual stool softeners? Not as an everyday thing, but if you're having a particularly bad episode of constipation they could help move things along.

Has your doctor told you why you're so constipated? If you haven't had a colonoscopy, it'd be a good idea to get one and rule out anything serious.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:04 AM on February 18

Re: fiber - have you tried eating a handful of dried apricots at bedtime? Also, taking a magnesium pill at bedtime is good for getting things started easily in the morning.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:10 AM on February 18

Piles are really, really common. Half of the population experiences them by age fifty. You are not gross and should not be ashamed. Chances are, your partners have seen them before--and if not they are likely to encounter them at some point.

I find that using wipes makes a significant difference in feeling clean when I have a flare-up. It also seems less irritating than toilet paper and less labor intensive than soap and water.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:50 AM on February 18

Cleaning with Witch Hazel after every bowel movements can be quite effective in controlling hemorrhoid.
posted by COD at 9:54 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

Look into trying a Squatty Potty.
posted by yoga at 10:20 AM on February 18

This bidet takes five minutes to install - life-changing.
posted by parma at 10:24 AM on February 18 [2 favorites]

I feel like the grossest vilest most nasty person.

Perhaps you would prefer to feel like a Zen Master? (It's no coincidence that, in Japanese, the kanji for hemorrhoid consists of the kanji for 'illness' plus the kanji for 'Zen monastery'.)
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:24 AM on February 18 [2 favorites]

I hear you. And I also sigh a bit, when people just say "eat more fiber" or "drink more water". It's like when you have chronic acne problems, and someone asks you if you've ever tried benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid.

Presuming your fiber and water intake are okay (and I'm going to presume that, because you're probably miserable enough that you've been working on the problem from that angle already):

-Yes, witch hazel is good.
-Yes, try squat-pooping.
-Yes, wipes are great.
-Yogurt probably doesn't help everyone, and probably stops some people up, but regular ingestion of yogurt is pleasing unto mine bowels.
-Don't be afraid of those glycerin suppositories if you're stopped up, but I don't recommend them during a bad flare-up. They burn.
-No one ever thinks this is a good idea, and it's probably not -- but my butt has greatly benefited from a daily morning coffee. The total lack of effort involved in the caffeine poops (and the enforced regularity) has been more helpful to my butt than just about anything else.

Onto what seems like your more pressing worry: I've never been with someone who just straight up stared at my anus. I'm sure it happens, but if you're with someone who does that, he's probably used to seeing butt aberrations. If your partners don't want to see natural geographic features that are common to butts, then they don't have to scrutinize butts when butts are pointed at them.

butt butt butts butts butt butts butt butt butts
posted by Coatlicue at 10:50 AM on February 18 [13 favorites]

Have you seen a gastroenterologist? Because that's who does hemorrhoidectomies, and that's who can tell you if you're a good candidate for any of the several procedures that exist.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:15 PM on February 18

I have to disagree. A gastroenterologist is an internist with subspecialty training, not a surgeon. Removal is done by a general surgeon. The OP should see one.
posted by yclipse at 12:20 PM on February 18

From the OP:

First, I've discussed this with two GPs and one proctologist. I am not
looking for medical advice.

Second, I've looked in the mirror. I'm sorry if I worded my question
so as to make this unclear, but the primary problem I am seeking help
with is how to deal with the visual/aesthetic consequences which
remain even on my best day when I am in no pain and feel normal. How
visible would this be to a sex partner? Has anyone had sex with
someone with this issue and noticed it, or not been able to see
anything despite knowing it was there to see? Is there any way to
conceal it? How do I deal with the awareness that part of my body is
severely disgusting?

Thanks so much. Sorry I am grossing you out on a national holiday.

posted by jessamyn at 12:50 PM on February 18

OP, you're not grossing us out. Really, it's a common problem and no big deal. Your body is not severely disgusting.

I just asked my husband and he says he's never noticed mine during sex despite the fact that, you know, they're there. "Who goes looking for hemorrhoids?" is his answer. Truth.

Because this is a body image/self-esteem issue I don't know if there's much to suggest besides therapy. Really, you're not gross. Seriously.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:55 PM on February 18 [4 favorites]

Removal of anal fissures is not quite the same as removal of haemmorhoids.

A general surgeon (colorectal specialist) will be able to discuss the options and procedures further with you. The doctors are most likelyencouraging you to manage this with your diet (fibre) and other natural methods (sitz baths, etc) because of the risks involved in the surgery which is potentially more difficult to deal with (both physically & emotionally) for example fetal incontinence. I think you definitely need to find a more sympathetic doctor who's willing to give the referral to the surgeon at minimum.
posted by Under the Sea at 1:10 PM on February 18

Wow... I'm sorry this is causing you so much anxiety! I never thought about them being that gross. Sure, theyre not an ideal state, but not repulsive. My partner has back zits, sometimes I have a weird looking butt, and yet? Lots of sex.

Anything you can do to cultivate that mindset will help. Maybe just ask your partner about it, so that you remove the sense of secrecy/shame?
posted by samthemander at 2:27 PM on February 18

Thanks, yclipse! My gastroenterologist is also a surgeon, so I forgot that wasn't always the case. Agree that the OP should see a surgeon with experience in colorectal surgery.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:12 PM on February 18

OP, you have two options: get surgery, or make your peace with having visible hemorrhoids. A therapist can help with the latter. People gave you medical answers because it sounded like you were considering surgery as a medical intervention.

It is also okay to consider surgery as an elective aesthetic intervention, if you are comfortable with taking those risks. But maybe start with the therapy?

I have spent more time than I've enjoyed in Internet spaces where straight men were very direct about evaluating women's bodies (researching pieces on pickup artist culture and sex work client boards) and I have never encountered discussions of how women's hemorrhoids were unappealing to any of those dudes, who were perfectly comfortable talking about how women's nipples were "too big" or their labia "too floppy" so I'm not sure it's A Thing.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:19 PM on February 18 [2 favorites]

From a MeFite who would prefer to remain anon:

"I've had hemorrhoids ever since the birth of my second child, and they've made no difference to my sex life whatsoever, apart from needing to be careful around anal sex if they're flaring up. If my husband has noticed them, he hasn't said anything and it hasn't damped his enthusiasm. My husband also developed a hemorrhoid at one point and I didn't notice, not even when I was going down on him. And this is someone whom I've been sleeping with for a couple of decades. Lots and lots and LOTS of people have hemorrhoids, it's so common it can be considered normal. I think you're OK."

posted by jessamyn at 3:25 PM on February 18

> How do I deal with the awareness that part of my body is
severely disgusting?

People with hemorrhoids have been having hot sex for millennia.

In fact, millions of people, all over the world, are having hot sex right now. Fat people, skinny people, people with crooked teeth, people with cleft palate scars, acne scars, rosacea or strawberry birthmarks, people with skin tags, receding hairlines, hairy legs and excessively bushy eyebrows are all having HOT HOT HOT SEX RIGHT NOW. Don't let a few hemorrhoids get in the way of joining the fun.
posted by hot soup girl at 3:55 PM on February 18 [4 favorites]

Also: let's say you're allowed to claim one part of your body as purely functional and completely exempt from body fascism and external beauty standards of any kind. Your anus would be a perfect candidate for that.

Of course, you're allowed to choose more than one body part. Personally, I choose all of mine.
posted by hot soup girl at 3:58 PM on February 18 [4 favorites]

This has totally outclassed whatever coping mechanisms I use to convince myself I am an appealing sexual partner ... during a flare up it's like something out of a horror movie.

Wrong genre. Please add Rule 34 to your coping repertoire.

I have courageously googled this topic (you're welcome), and can confirm that you are indeed fetishized.
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:30 PM on February 18

My husband claims he has hemorrhoids (and complains about them often, so I assume they are large and flare up frequently). I don't think I've ever seen them during sex, and if I have, the memory is not traumatic enough to have stayed with me. I do play with his butt a lot, but I don't examine it closely with my eyes.

If a sex partner told me they were uncomfortable with butt play, I would assume they meant mentally, not physically, so I wouldn't go imagining anything nasty, and I would stay well away from their anus. That would make me even less likely to notice anything. So you could just say that.
posted by lollusc at 4:33 PM on February 18

My friend had thought her dangly scars from anal fissures meant her butt was too gross for butt-play, she disclosed to her boyfriend, he didn't care, buttsechs etc. ensued more than once. (I have not looked at her scars, but she says they create a definite mountanous terrain around the anus). The anus is pretty much the most unattractive spot on our body. It really is ok for it to look bad.
posted by Anwan at 8:50 PM on February 18

I know this is unusual, but I've had some hemorrhoid flare-ups and I found that topical treatment with purell hand sanitizer (with aloe and vitamin e) really helped. They were less painful and with daily application they shrunk quickly.

Thing is, this burns. I got used to the sensation though, even came to enjoy it 'cause I felt it was "burning out the badness"
posted by signsofrain at 8:00 PM on February 19