What is this particular behavior called?

February 18, 2013 5:55 AM

What is this particular behavior called?

I received an email from a friend I hadn't heard from for over a week that started out like this:

"I'm sure you didn't miss me at all, so I don't have to apologize for my absence."

This isn't the first time he's said something to that effect and I'm trying to figure out what exactly this type of behavior is, or if it isn't really a big deal. It feels passive-aggressive, but I think that's not quite it.

He's done this before and has some other ways of speaking that ping my radar, yet he can be so nice and positive on the other hand. Another example of weird speech from him is when I agree with something he's said or say I understand it, he responds with something like, "Of course you do, because you are amazing and care about me." It feels really odd to me, but I'm having trouble parsing it.

What is this behavior called and what is it supposed to elicit from me?

posted by side effect to human relations (29 answers total)

Sounds like sarcasm. What is his tone like?
posted by The Hyacinth Girl at 5:59 AM on February 18

Passive Aggressive.
posted by empath at 6:00 AM on February 18 [13 favorites]

Histrionics, maybe?
posted by XMLicious at 6:01 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

Insecurity masked with an overly self-deprecating humor?


I'm sure you didn't miss me at all, so I don't have to apologize for my absence

"haha, look at how insecure I am about our friendship" (cry)

Of course you do, because you are amazing and care about me.

More insecurity.
"I'm not confident that you really care about me so I'm going to awkwardly express my belief that you do and hope that it's reciprocated."
posted by j03 at 6:01 AM on February 18 [3 favorites]

Passive aggressive and sarcastic with a hint of self-deprecation.
posted by Defying Gravity at 6:02 AM on February 18 [9 favorites]

Sounds a bit like someone who has got into a habit of a particular mode of ironic mocking speech so strongly that they've lost the ability to turn it off - possibly even lost the ability to perceive it. I don't think there's a name for that, but it certainly happens.
posted by Segundus at 6:02 AM on February 18 [6 favorites]

If I encountered this behaviour then I would back the hell away. It's a sign that your friend is insecure, passive-aggressive, jealous, attention-seeking, and desperate for approval. Quite frankly, that doesn't sound like a good friend to me.
posted by livinglearning at 6:07 AM on February 18 [3 favorites]

Self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I'd received something like that I would probably stare at it for five minutes wondering why I was associating with a person with such a distorted sense of how to communicate with a friend. There is so much wrongness packed into those two simple sentences it is almost like trying to figure out one of those sodium alginate fake eggs: it circumspectly looks like friendship but is actually from the Bizarro world.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:08 AM on February 18 [6 favorites]

Not sure what this particular behavior would be called, but it reminds me of people I know with Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe "Manipulation to obtain nurturance"?
posted by MrOlenCanter at 6:09 AM on February 18 [2 favorites]

Well, in addition to his passive aggressive tone, he's telling you how you feel. So perhaps gaslighting?
posted by Lieber Frau at 6:11 AM on February 18 [2 favorites]

Have you ever just asked him to stop? I know you're asking what the behavior is called, but since people are giving you advice, I'll jump in: I had a couple of crucial conversations when I was younger where people said, "please stop doing [insecure thing that comes across as passive aggressive], it's irritating and I don't like to listen to you put yourself down". If this guy is otherwise warm and caring, he is probably not some kind of Gift of Fear-style monster who should not have friends; he's probably just got this annoying habit either because he thinks it's funny or because he's got this giant lump of insecurity.

My headspace was very much "I am terrified that people secretly dislike me and are glad when I am gone but that they are too polite to tell me so my whole social life is....built on lies but maybe if I open up this conversational space inviting people to say that they find me boring/annoying, I will be able to find out for once and for all". Of course, relationships don't actually work that way.

Anyway, what about "Joe, when you say things like [example] and [example] because I don't like to hear you put yourself down like that". Don't have a big long conversation/email exchange about it, just say it simply. Be open to one or two reminders later (I needed this) but if your friend really is basically good friend, the behavior should tail right off.
posted by Frowner at 6:18 AM on February 18 [28 favorites]

Does he have a sarcastic sense of humor in general? I'm very sarcastic, though I've learned over the years to tone it down because people outside my family have a tendency to misinterpret it as passive aggressive... Some people never learn. I might want to give this person the benefit of the doubt.
posted by telegraph at 6:18 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

The subtext seems to be manipulation of some sort.

Larger questions:

Does feeling puzzled by your communications feel good to you?

Is this something you want to encourage, discourage, eliminate, tolerate?

How do you deal with ambiguous communications from any source and how do you resolve that pesky feeling that you don't understand something? Is this a talent you need to develop a sense for? If you get more sensitive, how will you resolve it at that moment?


Friend learned this behavior from somewhere. It may be how his family works and he's just playing back a tape. You have a choice of complete acceptance of other people, complete rejection, tolerance of suboptimal behavior, or correction of objectionable behavior. IME, the issue is determining when a behavior is sufficiently problematic to merit correction, balanced against the risk of turning into a perpetual questioner of other people's behavior, in itself a major irritant (which I call 'prickly'). Prickly sux, but usually not enough to stomp.

Want the behavior to change? Identify it when it happens and ask him what he means and tell him what it feels like at your end, and suggest improvement. After about 10 times, you'll be able to tell if he is worth keeping in the fold, or if you need better friends.
posted by FauxScot at 6:24 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

He's upset about something, either that you haven't reached out or that he feels worthless of your continued friendship, and rather than either being assertive with you ("Hey, I feel like I'm doing all the work here") or responsible for his own feelings ("I'm lonely and unhappy"), he is putting it all on you to decode his needs and/or feelings and do something about it. It's pretty much a textbook case of being passive-aggressive.

If it's sincere, he's probably trying to elicit either reassurance that you care about him or some sort of behavioral change to "prove" it; basically he's trying, probably subconsciously, to elicit guilt. What passive-aggressive behavior actually elicits is usually anger and annoyance at being asked to be a mindreader.

If he's being sarcastic but still insecure, then he's likely still trying to elicit guilt, but he's adding a layer of plausible deniability. It's still passive-aggressive and it's still annoying.

If he's being sarcastic but he's super-secure, then he's mocking passive-aggressiveness, and he's trying to elicit a laugh.
posted by jaguar at 6:40 AM on February 18 [3 favorites]

It's passive aggressive because it accuses you of being an inadequate friend in a backhanded way.

It's sarcastic because it has that edge.

It's rejection-sensitive.

It's projection because it tells you what you think and feel.

It's needy because it is expressing a desire for greater closeness from an assumption of scarcity.

It's accusing because it, you know, accuses you.

Next time he says something like that, I suggest "cut out the passive aggression, please". No need to get into a long discussion. Over time, you'll figure out whether this is just a really bad habit or something serious that makes your friendship untenable.
posted by tel3path at 6:41 AM on February 18 [8 favorites]

Since he's your friend, you could go with "awkward" instead of the armchair psych analysis. Your friend is awkward.
posted by Houstonian at 6:45 AM on February 18 [20 favorites]

Both of these comments could arise simply in what's called the observer's illusion of transparency, which is the cognitive bias where you believe you have more insight into someone else's mental state than you do. Coincidentally, I'd suggest some other replies here may follow from the same bias.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 6:48 AM on February 18 [7 favorites]

Manipulative passive-aggressive sarcasm, with a side order of snark.
posted by easily confused at 7:15 AM on February 18

Fishing for compliments? In this case, perhaps fishing for adequacy or acceptance.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 7:29 AM on February 18 [5 favorites]

This doesn't exactly answer your question, but I can say that I have a friend who was prone to say things like that and responded well (explained why they said awkward things like that, apologized that it made me feel bad/weird/uncomfortable, largely curtailed the behavior) when I dealt with it head-on, saying, "I have the ability to choose who I spend time with, and I choose to spend time with you. Jokingly (?) suggesting that I don't want to spend time with you, don't miss you when we're apart, and am simply tolerating you is nonsensical and untrue, and when you say things like that it makes me feel bad/weird/uncomfortable. If I didn't like you and want to be your friend, we wouldn't be having this conversation. What gives?" For the record, the "explaining why they said awkward things like that" part broke down to this friend feeling extremely self-conscious and being very accustomed to making themselves the butt of a joke to cover up the more straight-forward "I miss you when I don't see you, but expressing that makes me feel extremely vulnerable. I want your approval, but when I get it, I feel as if you must be doing me a favor, since I don't feel that I deserve that approval." Long story short, I told this person that they are awesome and to cut out what I called "aggressive self-doubt". They responded, "Noted!" and have largely cut it out.
posted by pammeke at 7:31 AM on February 18 [7 favorites]

Obviously this is not therapist-approved terminology, but I would call that "fishing for reassurance."
posted by adamrice at 7:52 AM on February 18 [2 favorites]

Sardonic perhaps.
posted by Dansaman at 7:53 AM on February 18

I call it forcing you to deal with his insecurity. Or making you responsible for his insecurity. It is an imposition, and it's off-putting. He thinks he's somehow breaking the ice, or being funny or something. Now, really, he's trying to deal with his own insecurity. But he's failing, because instead of dealing with it, he's just passing the buck on to you, which is why it is off-putting. I suspect that if you explain to him, sympathetically, that he's doing this, he will probably stop. It's also good to reassure him, the way pammeke suggests.
posted by molecicco at 7:59 AM on February 18

I used to say less-severe things like this. It was just insecurity. Over the years a few people have given me short talks about it and I've improved: if I'm insecure about something now I tend to ask for reassurance directly. But that is a difficult habit to learn, takes practice.
posted by ead at 8:21 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

I know someone who does this. I feel like it's a combination weak attempt at giving me a guilt trip plus a cry for help (reassurance).
posted by marimeko at 9:17 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

I have a friend who did this. He's incredibly caring and lovely, but also very insecure and an Asker. Over the years, I've noticed him do this less as he has become more self-assured.
posted by mayurasana at 10:18 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

Oh god this kind of behavior annoys me.. I'd also call it passive-aggressive in the first case. The second one is weird. Does it sound sarcastic? At some point I would tell him point blank, "Please don't tell me what I think. You don't know." Or maybe after the second one in a more polite way, "That's nice of you, and of course I care, but I'd still appreciate it if you wouldn't tell me how I feel and what I think."
posted by citron at 10:33 AM on February 18

Maybe ask him. "Dude, what is this about? Why would you say that?"

Let him tell you. And then let him know what you think. If he does it again, call him on it in the same way. Eventually he'll either stop - it will be hard for him - or you'll grow apart.
posted by bunderful at 11:07 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

I had a friend who used to avoid taking responsibility/accountability. She would try to put words into my mouth all the time and would rarely use the word "I". I'm not entirely sure, but it seems as though the first sentence you gave is similar. It's as though your friend is saying that it's YOUR fault that THEY are not apologizing for their absence.
posted by praline at 12:44 AM on February 19