Midwest Stasis and What to Do Next
February 14, 2013 12:26 PM Subscribe
My wife, little guy and I just moved to a Midwestern city from the East Coast for my wife's job promotion and family and now she is having major second thoughts. Details of the special snowflake variety to follow.
My wife recently accepted a promotion at a job she already hated that moved us to the Midwest where she grew up. She had been on the fence about the move from the day she accepted it in the summer, through her training in the fall and up to the move date around this past Christmas. I told her repeatedly to quit and that we could easy stay where we were on my salary. No dice.
In that time I left a job I loved, sold my beloved house and uprooted our lives to find ourselves in an old, temporary house and in serious relationship trouble.
The move was paid for by the employer so going back before the end of 2013 is not an option. It would cost us over $40K to do that. I have tried to make the move as smooth as possible by aggressively looking for a house to buy and by staying home with our little guy, putting my professional life on hold. We have the full support of her family and, truth be told, I like it here.We have lost out on two wonderful houses much to the chagrin of our real estate agent and my wife's family due to her emotional paralysis.
She is set on going back in ten months to a place where we would have to settle for higher taxes, less house and sketchy schools or expensive private schools with no family help. I have tried to be rational and sensitive and offer real, adult solutions. It just isn't working and I am at the end of my rope. I want to get on with life here and I am finding her behavior childish and regressive but I want to be her rock. I just don't know how to do it without uprooting our family again and taking on even bigger financial burdens. Her family is avoiding her emotionally because all they here is how horrible everything is. This has made her so much worse and she feels isolated.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I frankly just don't know what to do.
My wife recently accepted a promotion at a job she already hated that moved us to the Midwest where she grew up. She had been on the fence about the move from the day she accepted it in the summer, through her training in the fall and up to the move date around this past Christmas. I told her repeatedly to quit and that we could easy stay where we were on my salary. No dice.
In that time I left a job I loved, sold my beloved house and uprooted our lives to find ourselves in an old, temporary house and in serious relationship trouble.
The move was paid for by the employer so going back before the end of 2013 is not an option. It would cost us over $40K to do that. I have tried to make the move as smooth as possible by aggressively looking for a house to buy and by staying home with our little guy, putting my professional life on hold. We have the full support of her family and, truth be told, I like it here.We have lost out on two wonderful houses much to the chagrin of our real estate agent and my wife's family due to her emotional paralysis.
She is set on going back in ten months to a place where we would have to settle for higher taxes, less house and sketchy schools or expensive private schools with no family help. I have tried to be rational and sensitive and offer real, adult solutions. It just isn't working and I am at the end of my rope. I want to get on with life here and I am finding her behavior childish and regressive but I want to be her rock. I just don't know how to do it without uprooting our family again and taking on even bigger financial burdens. Her family is avoiding her emotionally because all they here is how horrible everything is. This has made her so much worse and she feels isolated.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I frankly just don't know what to do.
Best answer: She might benefit from talking to someone outside the family. A counselor/therapist could help her determine why exactly she went along with this move even when she knew she didn't want to and, now that is has happened and the alternative is not good, why she doesn't want to give the new situation a longer try.
My first thought is that there's something deeper going on, something she either isn't acknowledging to herself or something that she's aware of but isn't telling anyone else about.
I've always been of the opinion that moving isn't necessarily going to make someone happier. If you're just unhappy to begin with, the grass isn't going to be greener somewhere else. It's time she investigates these feelings (why stay with a job she hates, why move somewhere she didn't want to go, why move back someplace where life looks like it is going to be harder) and gets to the bottom of her unhappiness.
posted by cooker girl at 12:37 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
My first thought is that there's something deeper going on, something she either isn't acknowledging to herself or something that she's aware of but isn't telling anyone else about.
I've always been of the opinion that moving isn't necessarily going to make someone happier. If you're just unhappy to begin with, the grass isn't going to be greener somewhere else. It's time she investigates these feelings (why stay with a job she hates, why move somewhere she didn't want to go, why move back someplace where life looks like it is going to be harder) and gets to the bottom of her unhappiness.
posted by cooker girl at 12:37 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Moving across country is terrifing and in the best circumstances can lead to depression. Having a professional guide you through the conversations can't hurt. Getting her some one-on-one time with a therapist can do nothing but help.
I am sorry for your troubles- I can imagine that you ALSO have some pretty heavy emotional lifting situating yourself in a new city. good luck.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:39 PM on February 14, 2013
I am sorry for your troubles- I can imagine that you ALSO have some pretty heavy emotional lifting situating yourself in a new city. good luck.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:39 PM on February 14, 2013
I think that this:
I have tried to be rational and sensitive and offer real, adult solutions. It just isn't working and I am at the end of my rope. I want to get on with life here and I am finding her behavior childish and regressive but I want to be her rock.
Is part of the problem. You can't be her rock if you think she's being childish. Try to leave that out of it, and accept that the concerns and such that she's offering are real to her. Then at least you can have a conversation in good faith. You can't actually do that if you've decided in advance that she's being an overly emotional brat.
posted by spunweb at 12:44 PM on February 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
I have tried to be rational and sensitive and offer real, adult solutions. It just isn't working and I am at the end of my rope. I want to get on with life here and I am finding her behavior childish and regressive but I want to be her rock.
Is part of the problem. You can't be her rock if you think she's being childish. Try to leave that out of it, and accept that the concerns and such that she's offering are real to her. Then at least you can have a conversation in good faith. You can't actually do that if you've decided in advance that she's being an overly emotional brat.
posted by spunweb at 12:44 PM on February 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
Whatever else you do, stop trying to buy a house right now. It's bad enough to be where you don't want to be/where you don't know if you want to be/where only one of you wants to be without being stuck there. Seriously, renting is not a moral failure, nor is it a non-adult solution or not getting on with life.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:46 PM on February 14, 2013 [28 favorites]
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:46 PM on February 14, 2013 [28 favorites]
It could be that the move was a mistake and something that you and your wife will need to work together to reverse. Not before the ten months is up, though, because 40k is a lot of money. But if your wife is that unhappy, I'm not sure buying a house in your new location is the right choice for you both at the moment.
posted by hazyjane at 12:48 PM on February 14, 2013
posted by hazyjane at 12:48 PM on February 14, 2013
Best answer: Besides therapy:
Tell her that you think she made a good decision to move to the Midwest, regardless of the job outcome, because you have valuable family support here. It doesn't sound like you did think it was a good decision at the time she was making it, but you do appreciate the help from family now, no? And you want to stay, yes? So be generous and swallow your pride and maybe even lie a little if you have to. And tell her what you feel she did right in this move: she got you closer to family who can help you. She got you access to inexpensive housing and a better educational future for your kid.
At the moment she probably feels terrible for being overly optimistic about how well the move would work out, and for dragging her family into an unpleasant situation that is now hard to reverse. So focus on the things about your situation that are good right now: the family support, the good schools, etc. And, whatever you do (not that I know you are doing this, but I know it would be tempting), don't, don't, don't be all "I told you so" about the job decision. She knows you told her so. She apparently really wanted to do this anyway. And regardless of how you felt about it, that may not have been an irresponsible decision, on a professional basis, from her perspective; she wants to advance in her career, and maybe she genuinely thought that this new location would present a new environment that would let her thrive without her having to lose out on any of the time and energy she has already put into her job.
Ask her whether she wants you to focus on finding her a new job (or maybe finding yourself a new job) in this city, and then a house. She probably does not want to settle on a house because she fears that buying a house will further financially lock her into a job that she hates.
Good luck. You did a good thing in supporting your spouse's dreams despite your misgivings, and being there for your kid during this transition. I am sorry for all that you lost (the job, the house, etc.). But you do still have your family, which is the most important thing. I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your wife and come back from this feeling stronger.
posted by BlueJae at 12:49 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Tell her that you think she made a good decision to move to the Midwest, regardless of the job outcome, because you have valuable family support here. It doesn't sound like you did think it was a good decision at the time she was making it, but you do appreciate the help from family now, no? And you want to stay, yes? So be generous and swallow your pride and maybe even lie a little if you have to. And tell her what you feel she did right in this move: she got you closer to family who can help you. She got you access to inexpensive housing and a better educational future for your kid.
At the moment she probably feels terrible for being overly optimistic about how well the move would work out, and for dragging her family into an unpleasant situation that is now hard to reverse. So focus on the things about your situation that are good right now: the family support, the good schools, etc. And, whatever you do (not that I know you are doing this, but I know it would be tempting), don't, don't, don't be all "I told you so" about the job decision. She knows you told her so. She apparently really wanted to do this anyway. And regardless of how you felt about it, that may not have been an irresponsible decision, on a professional basis, from her perspective; she wants to advance in her career, and maybe she genuinely thought that this new location would present a new environment that would let her thrive without her having to lose out on any of the time and energy she has already put into her job.
Ask her whether she wants you to focus on finding her a new job (or maybe finding yourself a new job) in this city, and then a house. She probably does not want to settle on a house because she fears that buying a house will further financially lock her into a job that she hates.
Good luck. You did a good thing in supporting your spouse's dreams despite your misgivings, and being there for your kid during this transition. I am sorry for all that you lost (the job, the house, etc.). But you do still have your family, which is the most important thing. I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your wife and come back from this feeling stronger.
posted by BlueJae at 12:49 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: She has so far resisted therapy although she acknowledges that it would probably help. My major concern is that we are slowly losing her family's ear because they, like all of us, have a finite amount of patience.
I try so hard to accentuate the positives. I keep my own feelings about her behavior under wraps but it is beginning to bubble and I hope that I can keep them out of the conversation. No "I told you so". That is the hardest part because I had honest misgivings about her ability to adjust but I was not expecting such a radical turn. She has always had trouble finding her place in the world but this is new even to me and our long history together.
Truth be told, I am doing fine. I have been coming out here enough over the last decade that I have grown fond of where I am and see what it has to offer. I am afraid that my optimism is also a strike against me.
The house thing is interesting because I have specifically targeted homes that I could afford on my salary alone (I go back to work in March) so if she did decide to quit in December, she could take her time and look around and spend time with our little one. I don't want her to feel locked in.
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 1:06 PM on February 14, 2013
I try so hard to accentuate the positives. I keep my own feelings about her behavior under wraps but it is beginning to bubble and I hope that I can keep them out of the conversation. No "I told you so". That is the hardest part because I had honest misgivings about her ability to adjust but I was not expecting such a radical turn. She has always had trouble finding her place in the world but this is new even to me and our long history together.
Truth be told, I am doing fine. I have been coming out here enough over the last decade that I have grown fond of where I am and see what it has to offer. I am afraid that my optimism is also a strike against me.
The house thing is interesting because I have specifically targeted homes that I could afford on my salary alone (I go back to work in March) so if she did decide to quit in December, she could take her time and look around and spend time with our little one. I don't want her to feel locked in.
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 1:06 PM on February 14, 2013
The house thing is interesting because I have specifically targeted homes that I could afford on my salary alone (I go back to work in March) so if she did decide to quit in December, she could take her time and look around and spend time with our little one. I don't want her to feel locked in.
She wants to most back east in 10 months and you are trying to buy a house where you are now. Being able to afford the house on your salary alone is a moot point. She will feel locked in, because she is.
posted by coupdefoudre at 1:11 PM on February 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
She wants to most back east in 10 months and you are trying to buy a house where you are now. Being able to afford the house on your salary alone is a moot point. She will feel locked in, because she is.
posted by coupdefoudre at 1:11 PM on February 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
I try so hard to accentuate the positives.
Could that be part of the problem, though? By accentuating the positives, she may feel like you're not listening to her about wanting to move back. And the "I told you so" that you're thinking but not saying has little to do with it anyway. She made a mistake, true, but that doesn't mean she should be condemned to live in a place she hates forever.
posted by hazyjane at 1:18 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Could that be part of the problem, though? By accentuating the positives, she may feel like you're not listening to her about wanting to move back. And the "I told you so" that you're thinking but not saying has little to do with it anyway. She made a mistake, true, but that doesn't mean she should be condemned to live in a place she hates forever.
posted by hazyjane at 1:18 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You have been there what six weeks? Take a deep breath, stop looking for houses for now, relax and let her settle in a little. Six weeks or 2 months is nothing give her time to get used to the changes and her new life. Set up some routines that don't involve house hunting or buying, make your temporary house as homey and welcoming as possible because right now it sounds like your wife has a bad case of "buyers remorse" about the whole move.
Mutually agree to put all talk of moving or not moving in 10 months on hold for a little while, I'd say at least until June or July, things are never so scary on a bright summers day. You are not trying to get her to agree to your point of view so much as let the poor woman settle in before she has to commit to buying houses. To an outsider it sounds like you are both handling the scariness of the move and family upheaval and changes differently, you are in a mad trying to buy a house in now! now! now! hurry so you don't to have to move again and face any more scary changes and your wife wants to run back to how things were before because the move was scary and things are different and OMG change.
As someone who moved across her own country several times, then moved to the US it is scary as all hell and I swear the first 3 months consist of adjusting to all sorts of new things is the worst and the absolute worst time for homesickness is the 2 - 3 month mark. Make your current place you are living a safe nest and both of you just relax and make no major decisions for a while. I'd also suggest some couples counselling, not just some for your wife, she might also be more tempted to go if you are going to, and making this "our" current situation needs some outside help not a "you are so wrong get help so you see things my way problem".
Good luck with everything. Be kind to each other you are both feeling a little emotionally exposed by the move, but remember that a home is the people in it, not the cute 3 bedroom bungalow with easy repayments.
posted by wwax at 1:25 PM on February 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
Mutually agree to put all talk of moving or not moving in 10 months on hold for a little while, I'd say at least until June or July, things are never so scary on a bright summers day. You are not trying to get her to agree to your point of view so much as let the poor woman settle in before she has to commit to buying houses. To an outsider it sounds like you are both handling the scariness of the move and family upheaval and changes differently, you are in a mad trying to buy a house in now! now! now! hurry so you don't to have to move again and face any more scary changes and your wife wants to run back to how things were before because the move was scary and things are different and OMG change.
As someone who moved across her own country several times, then moved to the US it is scary as all hell and I swear the first 3 months consist of adjusting to all sorts of new things is the worst and the absolute worst time for homesickness is the 2 - 3 month mark. Make your current place you are living a safe nest and both of you just relax and make no major decisions for a while. I'd also suggest some couples counselling, not just some for your wife, she might also be more tempted to go if you are going to, and making this "our" current situation needs some outside help not a "you are so wrong get help so you see things my way problem".
Good luck with everything. Be kind to each other you are both feeling a little emotionally exposed by the move, but remember that a home is the people in it, not the cute 3 bedroom bungalow with easy repayments.
posted by wwax at 1:25 PM on February 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
Do not get me wrong here - I think you are probably trying very hard.
Is anyone acknowledging her feelings? Instead of being so positive and trying to convince her to stay, or her family avoiding her, have you guys really listened to her about why she feels like this and what could happen to change those feelings? She might not want solutions yet, maybe she needs to work through what she is feeling first.
Doesn't sound like a bad idea to have her quit in December and give the place a chance while she isn't tied to a job she hates. I'd hold off on buying that house though.
You can and maybe should tell her how you feel before it bubbles over. But you don't really get to tell her you told her so. You guys are in this together. It sounds like she may have made an honest mistake - she thought she was going to have an easier time, and now she's stuck in a job she hates, in a place where her family is withdrawing, and no one really wants to listen to what she thinks sucks, everyone just wants to tell her to like things here. She also probably feels bad because she knows you told her so, and now she feels like she really fucked this up.
I'm not a "therapy!" type of person, but she needs some objective listening here or at least needs to feel like she can vent without feeling like she's doing something wrong. I think you should go, on your own, too. If you're at the end of your rope you need someone to talk to who isn't involved in the situation.
You don't have to be a rock or find a solution, but I think you do owe it to her to be as honest as you can be without blaming her.
I could be 100% off base about this, btw. It's just a perspective that came to mind as I read your question.
Hang in there. Enjoy what you can about the situation, and do your best to support her as she works through it.
posted by mrs. taters at 1:28 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Is anyone acknowledging her feelings? Instead of being so positive and trying to convince her to stay, or her family avoiding her, have you guys really listened to her about why she feels like this and what could happen to change those feelings? She might not want solutions yet, maybe she needs to work through what she is feeling first.
Doesn't sound like a bad idea to have her quit in December and give the place a chance while she isn't tied to a job she hates. I'd hold off on buying that house though.
You can and maybe should tell her how you feel before it bubbles over. But you don't really get to tell her you told her so. You guys are in this together. It sounds like she may have made an honest mistake - she thought she was going to have an easier time, and now she's stuck in a job she hates, in a place where her family is withdrawing, and no one really wants to listen to what she thinks sucks, everyone just wants to tell her to like things here. She also probably feels bad because she knows you told her so, and now she feels like she really fucked this up.
I'm not a "therapy!" type of person, but she needs some objective listening here or at least needs to feel like she can vent without feeling like she's doing something wrong. I think you should go, on your own, too. If you're at the end of your rope you need someone to talk to who isn't involved in the situation.
You don't have to be a rock or find a solution, but I think you do owe it to her to be as honest as you can be without blaming her.
I could be 100% off base about this, btw. It's just a perspective that came to mind as I read your question.
Hang in there. Enjoy what you can about the situation, and do your best to support her as she works through it.
posted by mrs. taters at 1:28 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: We have listened and offered constructive advice. We have offered to pay for therapy. Most of her issues are rooted in the past. Middle school cliques that haven't been resolved, a once-bad relationship with her dad, family pressures to over achieve, the area's conservative bent. They have been reopened I guess but they seem so ambiguous that they are hard to define much less acknowledge. The job is the only concrete one.
I am going to therapy as soon as my benefits kick in. I could use some perspective as well.
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 1:38 PM on February 14, 2013
I am going to therapy as soon as my benefits kick in. I could use some perspective as well.
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 1:38 PM on February 14, 2013
Can you go to therapy yourself? Because you do sound like you're doing a great job overall, but you're Seriously Angry with her indecisiveness. And I can't blame you - I'd be angry, too - you left a great job! Great house! And now she's all over the place and paralyzed, thinking she wants to leave again.
Moving is hugely stressful. Buyers remorse is really common when you move to a nicer house in the same neighborhood, let alone across the country and are self-doubting. I agree with people that y'all need to settle in a little bit, and stop feeling like the pressure to buy a house makes everything Permanent. It'd be nice to get it done before you start back to work, but if that house isn't awful, stay put and chill for a little bit.
Find a good counselor/therapist. Go yourself to see if there are any strategies you can use to help your whole family feel better, and to help you deal with your frustrations. Hopefully she'll join you eventually, but at least you'll be a little less at wit's end.
posted by ldthomps at 1:40 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Moving is hugely stressful. Buyers remorse is really common when you move to a nicer house in the same neighborhood, let alone across the country and are self-doubting. I agree with people that y'all need to settle in a little bit, and stop feeling like the pressure to buy a house makes everything Permanent. It'd be nice to get it done before you start back to work, but if that house isn't awful, stay put and chill for a little bit.
Find a good counselor/therapist. Go yourself to see if there are any strategies you can use to help your whole family feel better, and to help you deal with your frustrations. Hopefully she'll join you eventually, but at least you'll be a little less at wit's end.
posted by ldthomps at 1:40 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
On seeing your update, yeah - therapy for both of you sounds like the solution. All of her issues sound like exactly the sort of thing therapy is for - moving wouldn't make any of that stuff from her past change.
posted by ldthomps at 1:41 PM on February 14, 2013
posted by ldthomps at 1:41 PM on February 14, 2013
Best answer: You know what? Moving sucks. So does adjusting to a new job, colleagues, and routines. I see that you mean well, but you are actually putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on your wife right now and it's not helping the situation. Also, in your framing of this situation, you paint her as the bad guy and you are the supportive, positive, rational one. Believe me, that's how your Mr. Positivity act is coming across to her. That's also not helping things. I bet if you just acknowledged to her that all these changes are quite stressful and not going so well for you as a family that she'd feel less bad about it all. From that point you can start scheduling some couples counseling to help you guys navigate these changes.
You should put aside house-hunting for now. Clearly owning a home is a very big deal to you, and I understand that it's easier to move into a house and improve it when one spouse has the time to deal with it. However, buying a home -- even when you've gone through it before and are prepared for it financially -- is a stressful life event. Y'all don't need any more stress right now. It also sends the signal to your wife that you're not listening to her at all.
Also ... now, I am just speculating ... but, maybe you need to explore with your wife what her true motivations for accepting the job offer and making this move were. Your proposed solutions involve her not working anymore. Maybe she is career-driven, maybe she is afraid of being financially dependent on you (what if you die, etc)? Maybe she thought being close to family would trump all the downsides of the job? I think if you both understand what's really driving things here you can find the best path for your family. Right now I see a lot of "rationality" that looks good on paper but perhaps misses the mark of what you and she really want out of life. This is probably something to talk about it counseling.
There's also no mention of friends. Family is great and everything ... but a gal needs her friends, too.
posted by stowaway at 1:48 PM on February 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
You should put aside house-hunting for now. Clearly owning a home is a very big deal to you, and I understand that it's easier to move into a house and improve it when one spouse has the time to deal with it. However, buying a home -- even when you've gone through it before and are prepared for it financially -- is a stressful life event. Y'all don't need any more stress right now. It also sends the signal to your wife that you're not listening to her at all.
Also ... now, I am just speculating ... but, maybe you need to explore with your wife what her true motivations for accepting the job offer and making this move were. Your proposed solutions involve her not working anymore. Maybe she is career-driven, maybe she is afraid of being financially dependent on you (what if you die, etc)? Maybe she thought being close to family would trump all the downsides of the job? I think if you both understand what's really driving things here you can find the best path for your family. Right now I see a lot of "rationality" that looks good on paper but perhaps misses the mark of what you and she really want out of life. This is probably something to talk about it counseling.
There's also no mention of friends. Family is great and everything ... but a gal needs her friends, too.
posted by stowaway at 1:48 PM on February 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
It sounds like your wife is crippled with anxiety and unable to make good decisions which makes her more anxious and so forth. Helping her be less anxious would be my priority.
posted by fshgrl at 1:49 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 1:49 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
You wrote, "I told her repeatedly to quit and that we could easy stay where we were on my salary. No dice." You had misgivings about this whole thing, but she instisted on it all anyway.
Now you are stepping up to the plate and adapting to the new location, trying to be positive, but she wants to reverse it and move back. "She is set on going back in ten months to a place where we would have to settle for higher taxes, less house and sketchy schools or expensive private schools with no family help."
It sounds to me like your wife is going to do what she wants to do despite what your opinions might be. I have a feeling that you are going to be going back in 10 months. You may just have to accept that this is how your marriage is going to be.
posted by see_change at 1:51 PM on February 14, 2013
Now you are stepping up to the plate and adapting to the new location, trying to be positive, but she wants to reverse it and move back. "She is set on going back in ten months to a place where we would have to settle for higher taxes, less house and sketchy schools or expensive private schools with no family help."
It sounds to me like your wife is going to do what she wants to do despite what your opinions might be. I have a feeling that you are going to be going back in 10 months. You may just have to accept that this is how your marriage is going to be.
posted by see_change at 1:51 PM on February 14, 2013
What is her family losing patience with? Is it that she won't commit to staying, or that she's acting whiny or helpless and it's tiring to listen to?
If the former, I think that's more on them than on her. (Neither of you owes them your nearby presence.)
Either way, if "her family is avoiding her emotionally because all they here is how horrible everything is" that is possibly extreme, unless there are a lot of details about what exactly her behavior is that have been left out.
You've decided you're staying where you are for at least another ten months. You've been living there all of two months. It's way too soon for either of you to know how you'll feel about living there come 2013. Why are both of you set on forcing an evaluation now?
I'm not even sure exactly what the problem is. Is it that you want to stay there and she doesn't? Is it that you're upset at her indecisiveness and worry that if you move again she'll still be unsatisfied? Or is it that the difficulties involved in another move are something you just really don't want to deal with?
Without really understanding the situation, because it seems like some relevant information is missing, I think that what both of you need to do is just stop worrying about what you're going to do next year. You have this year in this new place. If, in January 2013, either of you wants to move, then you can start talking about it and planning. Until then don't plan for it, don't look for new jobs elsewhere, don't let it be a top issue for you. Don't buy a house, either. Do look at this, both of you, as A Year in which you try some things, get to know a place, and have some experiences. In her case, maybe this is A Year in which she makes the best of it.
Agree now to revisit the issue at the end of the year. If at that point either of you finds you absolutely don't want to stay there, or even try it out for a while longer, then it's up to whoever wants to leave to come up with a plan that doesn't involve significant financial or other difficulties. (Living in the midwest is generally cheaper than living on the east coast, but there are plenty of affordable places there too.) But if whoever wants to leave comes up with a decent plan, then the other person should be willing to give it a shot. Possibly with the stipulation that this will be your last move for a while.
Until then, enjoy the place as much as possible without pressure.
(other thoughts:
The emotional state of your real estate agent is, I think, something to not actually care about currently.
A person's feelings about their environment are not always rational, nor do they always have to be.
And you should probably anonymize this question, since it has some fairly personal details about your wife.)
posted by trig at 1:55 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
If the former, I think that's more on them than on her. (Neither of you owes them your nearby presence.)
Either way, if "her family is avoiding her emotionally because all they here is how horrible everything is" that is possibly extreme, unless there are a lot of details about what exactly her behavior is that have been left out.
You've decided you're staying where you are for at least another ten months. You've been living there all of two months. It's way too soon for either of you to know how you'll feel about living there come 2013. Why are both of you set on forcing an evaluation now?
I'm not even sure exactly what the problem is. Is it that you want to stay there and she doesn't? Is it that you're upset at her indecisiveness and worry that if you move again she'll still be unsatisfied? Or is it that the difficulties involved in another move are something you just really don't want to deal with?
Without really understanding the situation, because it seems like some relevant information is missing, I think that what both of you need to do is just stop worrying about what you're going to do next year. You have this year in this new place. If, in January 2013, either of you wants to move, then you can start talking about it and planning. Until then don't plan for it, don't look for new jobs elsewhere, don't let it be a top issue for you. Don't buy a house, either. Do look at this, both of you, as A Year in which you try some things, get to know a place, and have some experiences. In her case, maybe this is A Year in which she makes the best of it.
Agree now to revisit the issue at the end of the year. If at that point either of you finds you absolutely don't want to stay there, or even try it out for a while longer, then it's up to whoever wants to leave to come up with a plan that doesn't involve significant financial or other difficulties. (Living in the midwest is generally cheaper than living on the east coast, but there are plenty of affordable places there too.) But if whoever wants to leave comes up with a decent plan, then the other person should be willing to give it a shot. Possibly with the stipulation that this will be your last move for a while.
Until then, enjoy the place as much as possible without pressure.
(other thoughts:
The emotional state of your real estate agent is, I think, something to not actually care about currently.
A person's feelings about their environment are not always rational, nor do they always have to be.
And you should probably anonymize this question, since it has some fairly personal details about your wife.)
posted by trig at 1:55 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I also see from your prior questions that your little guy is still very little, just a year old? I've got one around the same age. In one year you've put together a triumvirate of stress. As a family you need to go easy on yourselves. Even if it seems like you both have the parenting thing under control, do not underestimate how much it has changed your lives and exhausted you.
posted by stowaway at 1:59 PM on February 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by stowaway at 1:59 PM on February 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
We have listened and offered constructive advice. We have offered to pay for therapy.
It really stands out to me that you've framed your "we" here as you and her family - and a "we" that she is outside of.
It would be REALLY hard to de-stress in the face of that. And with someone who is trying to buy a house while she is saying that she wants to move back. I'd say go to therapy yourself - this is a stressful situation for you too, and managing your stress will help - let the ripples settle, and put home-buying on the back burner for a while.
And maybe set some boundaries with her family. They can know that you are here until the end of the year and you'll see what happens then. They don't have to know all the details. Think about whether you can play a buffer role there while remaining firmly on her team.
posted by bunderful at 2:20 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
It really stands out to me that you've framed your "we" here as you and her family - and a "we" that she is outside of.
It would be REALLY hard to de-stress in the face of that. And with someone who is trying to buy a house while she is saying that she wants to move back. I'd say go to therapy yourself - this is a stressful situation for you too, and managing your stress will help - let the ripples settle, and put home-buying on the back burner for a while.
And maybe set some boundaries with her family. They can know that you are here until the end of the year and you'll see what happens then. They don't have to know all the details. Think about whether you can play a buffer role there while remaining firmly on her team.
posted by bunderful at 2:20 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't understand how you came to move. Why did your wife accept a promotion with a company she doesn't like, and move back to a place where she doesn't want to live? Why was the alternative that you two live on your salary alone, rather than her getting a different job?
I'm wondering how much this might be about her financial independence. It sounds like you've twice now proposed she quit her job and stay home with your child. I'm wondering if she took the promotion (and reluctantly accepted the move that came along with it) because she didn't want to lose her job and be dependent on you. If the move results in her being closer to her family that may be part of this too: she might be, consciously or not, bracing up a support network in the event your marriage is in trouble.
This is just uninformed speculation, obviously, but it feels to me like it may be closer to the real issue, with the move being just (expensive, problematic) noise.
Yes, therapy for everyone. Good luck!
posted by Susan PG at 2:48 PM on February 14, 2013
I'm wondering how much this might be about her financial independence. It sounds like you've twice now proposed she quit her job and stay home with your child. I'm wondering if she took the promotion (and reluctantly accepted the move that came along with it) because she didn't want to lose her job and be dependent on you. If the move results in her being closer to her family that may be part of this too: she might be, consciously or not, bracing up a support network in the event your marriage is in trouble.
This is just uninformed speculation, obviously, but it feels to me like it may be closer to the real issue, with the move being just (expensive, problematic) noise.
Yes, therapy for everyone. Good luck!
posted by Susan PG at 2:48 PM on February 14, 2013
Best answer: I'm sorry to hear this is a rough transition. We're in South JoCO where I grew up and we moved back here a few years ago from Tucson, which we love, love, loved. KC in February is hard to enjoy, honestly. In addition to the upheaval of the move, the new parenting pressure, the uncertainty of moving back to a Midwestern hometown (ohnoes! am I a failure?!), she's not getting any help from this weather, that's for sure. It sounds familiar. I can only suggest that the two of you agree to make no long-term, binding decisions for the next 10 months. Maybe putting yourselves into a forced eddy will permit the right thing to surface. Also, our experiences might be similar and we are in the same metro area. I have no tricks or magic spells, but if you want to know how we are making it work, feel free to Memail me.
posted by smuna at 2:49 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by smuna at 2:49 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Susan,
Great questions. The one salary thing was so she could spend the time with the little one that she wanted to spend while figuring out her next career. She wanted the flexibility and I made the offer. I have no intentions of being sole bread winner for too long but I would love to give her the time to figure out her professional life.
The only thing I can say is that she is really driven and sometimes it bites her on the rear. She felt like she had to take the position because it was a good career move and the so-called right thing to do all the while hating the job and agency she is with. Her built in sense of pragmatism kicked in.
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 3:00 PM on February 14, 2013
Great questions. The one salary thing was so she could spend the time with the little one that she wanted to spend while figuring out her next career. She wanted the flexibility and I made the offer. I have no intentions of being sole bread winner for too long but I would love to give her the time to figure out her professional life.
The only thing I can say is that she is really driven and sometimes it bites her on the rear. She felt like she had to take the position because it was a good career move and the so-called right thing to do all the while hating the job and agency she is with. Her built in sense of pragmatism kicked in.
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 3:00 PM on February 14, 2013
Is it possible that you two can agree to stay for 10 months without deciding either that Things Suck! or that THINGS ROCK! ? And that only at that time will you decide about moving?
Taking the pressure to pronounce judgments off of both of you can be a huge relief.
This way you can both like or dislike things in the meantime without it committing either of you to a particular "side" in the debate, in case anyone tends to "tally" such things (as I am guilty of doing. e.g., "But last February you said you HATED the Sunnyside Bakery!") For me, it puts me in more of team mentality, too- you're both on the same anthropology expedition team gathering data.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:27 PM on February 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
Taking the pressure to pronounce judgments off of both of you can be a huge relief.
This way you can both like or dislike things in the meantime without it committing either of you to a particular "side" in the debate, in case anyone tends to "tally" such things (as I am guilty of doing. e.g., "But last February you said you HATED the Sunnyside Bakery!") For me, it puts me in more of team mentality, too- you're both on the same anthropology expedition team gathering data.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:27 PM on February 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
That sounds really rough, sorry. I think if I were in your wife's shoes, I'd just want to feel like I was being heard—that you understood how I felt. Instead of trying to convince her that she should be happy with the new location, just listen to the concerns she has...really listen and try to empathize. Maybe ask her if she could limit the conversations about what she dislikes to a certain day or days per week (I'm not in therapy or any kind of expert, but I've realized with my own worrying that it's helpful to tell myself that I'm only going to concentrate on it at specific times. I'm sure it's very wearing on you to hear about this, as well).
posted by three_red_balloons at 4:53 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by three_red_balloons at 4:53 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, there are no circumstances in which having a kid that age is easy. And being a woman who works comes with a lot of guilt baggage (which is bullshit, but it's often there). Plus, when you have a little kid, therapy just seems like another. thing. to. schedule. Who has the time? You can't make her go to therapy. You can make you go to therapy. So do that.
And moving, god, moving is the worst. Just for perspective: I moved to where I live now when I was 22 and had no kid and my partner and I had stable jobs and it took me four years to adjust to the move. Four years.
posted by purpleclover at 5:34 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
And moving, god, moving is the worst. Just for perspective: I moved to where I live now when I was 22 and had no kid and my partner and I had stable jobs and it took me four years to adjust to the move. Four years.
posted by purpleclover at 5:34 PM on February 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
That's a good point. I've been moving about every 2 years and it takes me easily two months to adjust, and I'm not even changing jobs. The older I get, the more psychologically slowly I adapt. Now I just budget it in to my time, the way I do my period. (Am I hating life? Oh yeah- it's week 6 after my move!)
posted by small_ruminant at 9:27 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by small_ruminant at 9:27 PM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much. I used several of your points in a really good talk last night. We are both going to get some talk time outside of our family circle and slow the house hunt. She does want me to keep looking for one, that was a surprise. Time will tell how this will go but, for now, slowing things down and getting used to our new world will be the priority. We did just get word that a friend from back home is being moved to KC. More familiar faces will certainly help and I think we can all help each other adjust.
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 7:24 AM on February 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 7:24 AM on February 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:34 PM on February 14, 2013 [5 favorites]