As a 22-year-old woman with zero real relationship experience, I'm turning to AskMe in this time of indecision. One of my best friends wants to date me, and I like him, but I also want to make out with boys I might like more. Does that make me a bad person? Should I forget about the other boys? Details inside, naturally.
posted by jouir to human relations (33 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
There is a guy, let's call him A, who I have known for about 5 years now. We became increasingly close friends over time despite only seeing each other in person about once a year for short periods of time (we have always lived apart) - we talked via texting or online chatting nearly every day. About a year ago, our formerly platonic relationship began taking a more flirtatious turn. By the end of last summer, we were sexting regularly, and we had a good sexual compatibility, but we both maintained that it was without romantic feeling. We were just friends who happened to want to fuck each other. I think it started becoming a little one-sided here, because he was also physically attracted to me, while I was mostly sexually attracted to him: his body didn't really do anything for me on it's own, but I was turned on by the idea of having sex with him. This led to us getting together in the fall and we had sex - my first time. The sex was fun and we had a good time. By the end of our visit, though, he mentioned that he might be developing feelings for me. When he brought it up I gently expressed that I was flattered but didn't feel the same way.
A is very stubborn, though, so it did not end there. We spent the next few months attempting to remain friends, but it was complicated by
1) He began being increasingly romantic/affectionate in our (still online) communication, telling me sweet things, talking about how beautiful I am, how much he appreciates me and likes me and misses me
2) Although I didn't feel the same way, it's hard to not enjoy that kind of flattery, so I would respond positively
3) Because of these things, A started getting frustrated when I still maintained I did not want to date him.
After a while, I realized that I did have some feelings for him, but I still wasn't open to the idea of dating for reasons which I'll explain below. The frustration of not understanding my reasoning for dating/getting rejected all the time became too much and A cut off contact with me. During this time, I realized that I do care about him a lot, miss him a ton, and I have contemplated often trying to date him. He's not perfect (he can be arrogant, blunt, has trouble accepting affection, and has some familial issues), but he's also often kind, generous, crazy smart, interesting, and thoughtful.
But... I'm still conflicted, which is where AskMe comes in. My reasoning for why I don't think we should date is:
1) We're indefinitely long distance. Certainly until we finish school in the next few months, but then he's 100% sure he's moving to one city that I don't have much interest in. It wouldn't be awful to live there, but there are a number of cities I'd rather be in and I don't like the idea of applying to jobs there just to be with him.
2) I'm worried about my lack of physical attraction to him... while it's increased since we had sex, and I still am sexually attracted to him, there are a number of guys who live in my city currently that I find more attractive than him. Never having been in a relationship before, I worry about wanting to cheat or feeling like I'd rather be with someone more my type.
3) Sort of along similar lines: the culture of partying at my school is such that on any given weekend, I could probably find a cute guy to hook up with. I have done this so far, and I like doing it! To the point where it's perhaps my biggest barrier to this relationship. I feel like if I commit to dating A (and he is only interested in exclusivity), I'm missing out on all the fun making out, and perhaps an opportunity to date someone who is maybe just as great a guy as A and more within my physical type. This is exacerbated by a guy I've been hanging out with lately who seems fun and sweet, who has expressed attraction to me, & who is more my type - circumstances mean we haven't had a chance to pursue anything further, but the fact that he exists makes this hypothetical other option more realistic. Every time I consider texting A and telling him I'm ready to date, I think about this other guy and wonder if maybe he'd be better for me (even though this other guy would only be a short-term/casual thing).
4) Like I said above the cut, I've never been in a relationship before (although my pseudo-relationship with A may count as one). I worry that going directly into an exclusive LDR as my first relationship will create more problems than the happiness it might bring.
A argues that I should stop worrying about what might happen (because all my reasons are hypothetical/future possibilities, not anything that's happening right now) and just do what makes me happy now; which, yes, includes talking to him at the level we were at which was sort of a pseudo non-exclusive relationship. But I'm a very analytical person who finds it hard to just jump in and take risks (see: the length of this AskMe question).
So I suppose my final question is: should I just go with what I have, take the risk, and forget about the possible other guys out there, and if so, how do I let go of the desires to have what's in front of me?