Long-distance relationship or debaucherous partying?

February 12, 2013 2:30 PM

As a 22-year-old woman with zero real relationship experience, I'm turning to AskMe in this time of indecision. One of my best friends wants to date me, and I like him, but I also want to make out with boys I might like more. Does that make me a bad person? Should I forget about the other boys? Details inside, naturally.

There is a guy, let's call him A, who I have known for about 5 years now. We became increasingly close friends over time despite only seeing each other in person about once a year for short periods of time (we have always lived apart) - we talked via texting or online chatting nearly every day. About a year ago, our formerly platonic relationship began taking a more flirtatious turn. By the end of last summer, we were sexting regularly, and we had a good sexual compatibility, but we both maintained that it was without romantic feeling. We were just friends who happened to want to fuck each other. I think it started becoming a little one-sided here, because he was also physically attracted to me, while I was mostly sexually attracted to him: his body didn't really do anything for me on it's own, but I was turned on by the idea of having sex with him. This led to us getting together in the fall and we had sex - my first time. The sex was fun and we had a good time. By the end of our visit, though, he mentioned that he might be developing feelings for me. When he brought it up I gently expressed that I was flattered but didn't feel the same way.

A is very stubborn, though, so it did not end there. We spent the next few months attempting to remain friends, but it was complicated by
1) He began being increasingly romantic/affectionate in our (still online) communication, telling me sweet things, talking about how beautiful I am, how much he appreciates me and likes me and misses me
2) Although I didn't feel the same way, it's hard to not enjoy that kind of flattery, so I would respond positively
3) Because of these things, A started getting frustrated when I still maintained I did not want to date him.

After a while, I realized that I did have some feelings for him, but I still wasn't open to the idea of dating for reasons which I'll explain below. The frustration of not understanding my reasoning for dating/getting rejected all the time became too much and A cut off contact with me. During this time, I realized that I do care about him a lot, miss him a ton, and I have contemplated often trying to date him. He's not perfect (he can be arrogant, blunt, has trouble accepting affection, and has some familial issues), but he's also often kind, generous, crazy smart, interesting, and thoughtful.

But... I'm still conflicted, which is where AskMe comes in. My reasoning for why I don't think we should date is:
1) We're indefinitely long distance. Certainly until we finish school in the next few months, but then he's 100% sure he's moving to one city that I don't have much interest in. It wouldn't be awful to live there, but there are a number of cities I'd rather be in and I don't like the idea of applying to jobs there just to be with him.
2) I'm worried about my lack of physical attraction to him... while it's increased since we had sex, and I still am sexually attracted to him, there are a number of guys who live in my city currently that I find more attractive than him. Never having been in a relationship before, I worry about wanting to cheat or feeling like I'd rather be with someone more my type.
3) Sort of along similar lines: the culture of partying at my school is such that on any given weekend, I could probably find a cute guy to hook up with. I have done this so far, and I like doing it! To the point where it's perhaps my biggest barrier to this relationship. I feel like if I commit to dating A (and he is only interested in exclusivity), I'm missing out on all the fun making out, and perhaps an opportunity to date someone who is maybe just as great a guy as A and more within my physical type. This is exacerbated by a guy I've been hanging out with lately who seems fun and sweet, who has expressed attraction to me, & who is more my type - circumstances mean we haven't had a chance to pursue anything further, but the fact that he exists makes this hypothetical other option more realistic. Every time I consider texting A and telling him I'm ready to date, I think about this other guy and wonder if maybe he'd be better for me (even though this other guy would only be a short-term/casual thing).
4) Like I said above the cut, I've never been in a relationship before (although my pseudo-relationship with A may count as one). I worry that going directly into an exclusive LDR as my first relationship will create more problems than the happiness it might bring.

A argues that I should stop worrying about what might happen (because all my reasons are hypothetical/future possibilities, not anything that's happening right now) and just do what makes me happy now; which, yes, includes talking to him at the level we were at which was sort of a pseudo non-exclusive relationship. But I'm a very analytical person who finds it hard to just jump in and take risks (see: the length of this AskMe question).

So I suppose my final question is: should I just go with what I have, take the risk, and forget about the possible other guys out there, and if so, how do I let go of the desires to have what's in front of me?

posted by jouir to human relations (33 answers total)

There are so many reasons this relationship is not going to work out, starting with being 22 and ending with...everything else you described.

Go make out with boys.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:32 PM on February 12 [40 favorites]

As above. Relationships where one person has significantly stronger feelings than the other are imbalanced and unbalanced relationships do not have happy endings.
posted by fearnothing at 2:35 PM on February 12 [5 favorites]

You don't sound very excited about dating A. A long distance relationship is too much work if you're not very excited about it.
posted by MoonOrb at 2:36 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]

You're not a bad person for not being attracted to someone.
You're not a bad person for being attracted to someone else more.
You're not a bad person for letting your friend think that he has a lot more of a shot at dating you long term when he doesn't.
You're not a bad person for breaking up with him and having a great time with boys you are attracted to.
You're not a bad person for maybe eventually regretting that you dated people based on looks rather than personality.
You're not a bad person if you don't regret a thing.
You're not a bad person for not being ready to date anyone that seriously since you're only 22.
You're not a bad person if you still feel like that at 40.

I am the internet judge and I find you not guilty of all charges. Go in peace.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:41 PM on February 12 [52 favorites]

Yes

Go make out with boys
posted by frequently at 2:44 PM on February 12

if i could go back in time and give myself advice it would be - keep making out with people and don't enter into long distance relationships that have no end to the long distance part, especially when you're 22.

relationships are work, but they shouldn't be hard work, especially in the beginning. the proposed ldr seems like way more work than it's worth. the making out with boys at parties and applying to post school jobs in cities you're interested in sounds like a way better plan.
posted by nadawi at 2:46 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]

22 is too young to be doing anything else. You have the rest of your life to find one person (if that's what you want to do).
posted by cjorgensen at 2:47 PM on February 12

Let go of A, he's basically dragging and guilting you into a relationship because he knows you care about him on a basic level.

Don't even THINK about moving to a city you're not excited about for the sake of a man you're not excited about!!! At 22. Dear lord no.

Go make out with boys.
posted by like_a_friend at 2:50 PM on February 12 [6 favorites]

You don't want to do this enough to commit to it. So don't.
posted by valkyryn at 2:51 PM on February 12

also, along with going and making out with boys, stop basking in A's flattery. it's unkind to him and muddies the waters.
posted by nadawi at 2:54 PM on February 12 [19 favorites]

It sounds like you're Just Not That Into Him. Don't get into a LDR with someone that you are not that into.
posted by 23skidoo at 2:54 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]

Date boys that you actually want to date, who live in the same city as you, a city that you enjoy living in.

Cut off contact with A completely; you guys aren't friends. Friends don't ignore each other's wishes the way A ignores yours. "Nice enough" isn't enough.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 2:56 PM on February 12 [2 favorites]

1. Cut the friend loose so he can be with someone who reciprocates his interest. Don't string him along.

2. Commence to sow your wild oats.
posted by strelitzia at 2:56 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]

There is no such thing as "22 is too young for..."

Millions of people fall in love and spend the rest of their lives with their very first. You doing so never makes you abnormal.

Every decision in life has some consequence - if you let go of A, you may regret it. Choose based on the consequence you can live with. If there were no consequences, decisions would have no value.

If you make out with the boys and you know this to violate the "relationship" You have with A, then - Yes - that's bad. If not, then you have no worries. Always best to be clear with the person you think you might be being bad against, so your conscious is clear and free.
posted by Kruger5 at 2:56 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]

You told A you didn't have any interest in him romantically.
But he was stubborn. He tried to talk you into a relationship with him.
But you still weren't interested.
So then he got mad and blew up.

Did he really behave like someone you'd want to be in a relationship with?

(I was in a long distance relationship in my late teens/early 20s. It really took commitment, especially when so many other opportunities were around. If you're not 100%, LDRs just aren't a good idea. As for my relationship, it ended, and while I don't regret the relationship, I do regret that I missed all that making out!)
posted by snorkmaiden at 3:01 PM on February 12 [6 favorites]

My first serious relationship I had I was not sexually attracted to him. At all. Didn't matter too much as we weren't going there anyway due to various reasons, so it didn't come up, but I was very very hard on myself about not being more into someone I had a great friendship with.

What I figured out since then - if you aren't sexually interested, then you aren't sexually interested and move along. Great friendships without the sex are just that, friendships. Don't beat yourself up over not being about to manufacture sparks, no one can and you aren't supposed to.

I know that lure of, but he really wants it and maybe I should just try, and seriously you want to shake that off right now. What you want is JUST as important as what he wants, and it's not compatible. You are not bad people for having different hopes for your relationship, this will happen to you throughout your life with various people. It's best to learn to stand up for your desires (or lack thereof) now!

Go make out with boys.

(And avoid like all get out relationships that start out long distance. It's different if you are in the same city and then end up having to live far apart for a time, but, seriously, you are young and life is short.)
posted by Dynex at 3:02 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you guys are completely and horribly incompatible, like you like him as a friend (even if you're willing to have sex with him), but he's not interested in just being friends, and you're looking for ways to maintain the relationship you've had, which isn't possible.

Let him go. Cut him off if you have to, but either way, the friendship you had is gone, and that relationship isn't recoverable.
posted by smoq at 3:03 PM on February 12

Some of my favourite memories from my 20s are of making out with random boys. I can't recommend it highly enough. You might regret it later on if you saddle yourself with someone now while you're still so young and miss out on the random makeout opportunities that are available to you at this age.

It would be different if you really wanted a long term relationship and random makeouts weren't your thing, but you sound a bit like me at your age, when I was casting my eye around gleefully at all the hotties in my area and wanting a piece of that action. There is nothing wrong with this.

Have some fun, skip the drama - you don't need to worry about finding a serious relationship at this stage in your life.
posted by RubyScarlet at 3:07 PM on February 12

Oh my god I stopped after i saw you were 22 and he was "stubborn."

go make out with boys and learn about how to ask for exactly what you want and to walk away without regret when you can't have it.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:13 PM on February 12 [4 favorites]

ALSO

you are not doing him any favors by taking him on as a safe bet when what you want to do is suck hottie random faces.

you are not being nice and you are not getting what you want.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:15 PM on February 12 [2 favorites]

Go make out with boys! I had such wonderful times making out with boys in my early twenties. And all of the different experiences helped me understand what I really wanted later in life from a man. Don't waste yourself on a dude you're not that into who demands exclusivity.

ALL THE BOYS
posted by corb at 3:19 PM on February 12 [5 favorites]

Yes, go find boys to make out with. And I would try to pull back from your friendship with A. He needs to move on to something new and that could be hard to do with continuing feelings for you.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 3:29 PM on February 12

So I've read this question a few times and I still can't find it, where is the upside of dating this guy exactly? Because the whole damn question was like an itemized list of downside, some dramatic. Any conceivable non-abusive relationship with this guy would inevitably be an endless parade of you necessarily rejecting the many things he wants but you don't and he has already demonstrated how not good at that he is. Cut this shit off at the root so it doesn't rot, because this will really fucking stink.
posted by Blasdelb at 3:29 PM on February 12 [7 favorites]

A note for the future - and damn, if I could time travel I'd go back in time and tell myself this: don't be with people out of obligation. You don't have to be with someone because they like you - don't do it to be nice, don't do it because you think that's all you're worth.

It's not a game of tag, you don't have to go with the first person who gets there. You're not an eBay auction. Don't have romantic relationships with anyone who doesn't make you feel spectacular about yourself and about them.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:44 PM on February 12 [4 favorites]

I got married when I was 22, so I guess you could say I didn't hesitate to settle down or anything, nor do I think 22 is too young to be serious about a relationship. However, you're not serious about this relationship, you want to go do other stuff, and that's totally fine and good and you should definitely do it.

Women are really taught from a young age that we should basically treat dating like some sort of meritocracy/endurance contest, like some guys "deserve" us because they did X, Y, and Z and if we don't let them have what they "deserve" then we're bad people. Nope. You have the right to be interested in whomever you wish and put yourself first and treat yourself like a person who has her own needs and wants, and not like a prize/object to be given to someone based on persistence/niceness/"fairness".
posted by the young rope-rider at 4:51 PM on February 12 [15 favorites]

Always avoid a LDR. If you know, know, know in your soul you want to break that rule, ok, maybe. If you're wondering, then no.
posted by ctmf at 6:41 PM on February 12

don't let him bully you into dating him. You guys have the stereotypical poisonous 'friend zone' relationship where he is pretending to be nice to you so he can sleep with you, and you are holding out the possibility of relationship so you can feel validated by his attention. Just cut it off and try and not do that again.
posted by empath at 7:28 PM on February 12 [2 favorites]

Hey, 22-year-old woman! 22-year-old guy here. I have been Guy A in stories like this plenty of times. You should not date A, and you should also let him know that his "stubbornness" is both unwanted and impolite.

I have a bit more sympathy for A than some of the commenters here, since I have totally been that stubborn guy as recently as a couple of years ago. Being young means having weird ideas about romance; I get feeling bad about not to be in a relationship with somebody who is quite insistent, who's even convinced himself, that a relationship would be good and wonderful. Yay for empathy and shit! But he's wrong about this, and he's being rude to you over your correctly knowing that he's wrong. That's not okay.

Look, romance requires an emotional connection. If you don't have that, there's no romance budding; liking a dude isn't the same as feeling close to him. The lack of physical attraction matters too, duh. You're clearly aware of all this. Thing is, he's aware of this too – you think a guy just doesn't notice when he's failing to connect with somebody? I mean, you said it to his face, so clearly he's decided he just doesn't care about that connection not being there. He either thinks it'll develop if you start dating (it likely won't), or else he wants a relationship enough that he's okay with said relationship being lacking in certain ways.

If you were feeling the same way, cool! Those sorts of relationships can be fun; they can even evolve into more. But obviously you don't feel that way. And it's his job as a friend, whether he realizes this or not (and he genuinely may not), to accept that you want something more than he wants. Period! End of story!

Well, end of story except for a few loose ends:

First: the more attraction you show to him, the more he's going to assume there's still hope. You could end this hope for him by cutting him out of your life completely, but if he's a decent fellow you can just be blunt about this not happening, shoot down his advances, and learn to live without his flattery. There is about a zero percent chance you can respond positively to all his many romantic overtures while still convincing him to stop pursuing you. And you're not doing him a favor here, either: hope hurts, you know? Probably hurts worse than your just giving him the silent treatment would.

Second: there is this weird unfortunate belief among young men that women ought to be chased against their will. I blame romantic comedies and Ayn Rand for this. It sounds like you're kind of buying into this. Other people here have said and I will repeat: don't. A relationship is not a trophy, it is not an achievement unlocked – it's a relationship, literally a relation which exists between you and somebody else. You clearly know what your relationship with this guy is, and it's not one worth any kind of commitment. That he's trying to make it one anyway is only gonna sour things between the two of you, no matter how you respond to his efforts.

And finally: you are 22. There is no reason you should feel that now is the right time to be dating somebody seriously. You are not defined by whether or not you're dating somebody, or what age you are when you start dating, or how long your relationships last. Dating's more or less the same thing at any age: you find somebody you have a connection with, and you go about richening and deepening that connection. Don't want that? Cool! Don't date! Don't have anybody you really want to date? That's okay too! You'll find somebody eventually, and he will rock, and it will be fun.

There should be no guilt or regret in your decision to go and make out with a bunch of people if that's what you want to do. I've even heard that 22 is one of the best ages to be going out and doing that sort of thing. Beats the shit out of doing it at 16, anyway. So off with you, and suchlike!

(This was probably too long and too redundant an answer to be necessary, but it sounded to me like you were uncertain less about how you felt about this guy and more about whether you were wrong in feeling the way you already do about this situation. Hopefully this reinforces your believe that you are, in fact, doing the right thing here.)
posted by Rory Marinich at 8:47 PM on February 12 [7 favorites]

You don't want to be in a relationship with him. So, don't. If that means you can't be close friends, so be it, that's just life.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:02 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]

Boys.
posted by ead at 9:02 PM on February 12

Be 22. You only get it once. Consider me your big sister who knows better.

Someday love might come and hit you like a giant tidal wave of crazy and you will do silly things like move to a city you dislike because OMG you have met the world's most beautiful/lovely/perfect-to-you man (or lady if you like them also or later instead or whatever) and there will be plenty of time for compromises and grown-up stuff and Making Things Work.

This is not that boy. This is not that time.

So be 22. Go forth and make out, my young padawan.
posted by araisingirl at 9:51 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]

Thanks to all of you for your answers! I think it was just the wake-up call I needed. I wanted to mark you all as best answer cause everyone was spot-on, but I had to restrain myself. Making out with boys it is! :)

(For those of you who pointed out that it's not fair to him to string him along, you're totally right. I talked to A today and decided it would be best to cut off contact again so we can both move on. I'll still miss him, but I think after hearing all your answers it's easier for me to see this is the better choice for both of us to be happier.)
posted by jouir at 10:39 PM on February 12 [2 favorites]

For the future, "I'm just not that into you" is what Miko's break-up script is for. Never date someone who you're just not that into, umpety billion other fish in the sea for both of you and all that.
posted by anaelith at 3:18 AM on February 13