OK, I was wrong. But YOU were wrong, TOO!

February 12, 2013 6:49 AM

Marital quarrel where both partners were equally at fault (in different, unrelated ways). What are some frameworks/techniques for talking this out evenhandedly without the conversation shifting to be mostly about only one person's concerns, ignoring the other's?

This concerns an argument with my husband a couple of days ago. In its wake, I feel hurt and distanced, and I'd really like to start a follow-up discussion to sort things out. I'm having problems figuring out how to frame it, though, and I was hoping the Hive Mind could help. Relevant background: good marriage, generally healthy communication.

[Here's what went down, in a nutshell. Condensed it as much as I could, but feel free to skip!
1. I brought up a minor parenting concern, but phrased it in what was probably an unnecessarily accusatory fashion (I'm pregnant and have been... a little on edge lately).
2. He kind of dismissed the entire thing and said it was a matter of opinion, with a mildly irritating side-comment about men's vs. women's parenting styles.
3. I agreed I'd get him some hard evidence, but unwisely also tried a quick appeal to authority, pointing out that I've actually researched this issue quite a bit in the past and also that he doesn't, in my experience, have a great track record with the parenting skill in question.
4. Unfortunately, I phrased that last bit (unintentionally) in a way that could be construed as reflecting on his competence at his job. At this point, he got super defensive, and loudly and aggressively said that (a) because of his work experience, he considers himself to be categorically better-versed in this subject than I am, and (b) I "needed to adjust my tone" before we could continue the discussion.
5. I proposed we adjourn until later (small child in the room), and we did. I did apologize to him later that night for having said anything that might have seemed insulting, and tried to reaffirm that I do respect his work skills. He accepted the apology but didn't really say anything in return.

In retrospect, I calculate the proportion of blame for this whole thing as maybe 60:40 me:him? On one hand, I was the one trying to "fix" his parenting, I did so in an unduly irritating/critical fashion, and I seem to have really hurt his feelings re: his job. On the other hand, it's problematic that he initially just dismissed my concerns altogether, that he refused to hear more about the reasoning behind them, and that he responded to the perceived insult in such an over-the-top fashion; I'd like some acknowledgment of that from him. I also don't want the original parenting question to fall completely by the wayside, because I'm pretty sure I'm correct and it's a not-unimportant thing. ]

The tl;dr upshot: I was wrong, he was wrong, and it'd be great to have a marital Thrash-It-Out Discussion with him about this. We have these with some regularity (maybe twice a year or so)-- we're both pretty analytical, talky sorts of people, so they usually end up being very long, linear, debate-style affairs, with multiple well-marked points and sub-points, etc. By the end, there's always additional clarity and understanding and a sense of renewed intimacy (plus, great sex!). The difficulty is that every single one of these so far has taken the classic form of "You Did (/Do) This, And It Wasn't(/Isn't) Cool," with one person (identity varies) the clear aggrieved party and the other one the grievance-creator. The discussion then aims to resolve to what extent the aggriev-er is actually at fault and what kinds of concessions/apologies are due to the aggrieved party.

I have absolutely no idea how this should work in the more complicated case of "OK, I Did This, and It Wasn't Cool, But Can You Admit That YOU Did THIS, and It Also Wasn't Cool?" Again, we're linear, argumentative people, and he in particular is pretty resistant to being made to deliver apologies or admit that his behavior should have been different in any way. Actively bringing up and explaining my issues with his behavior feels to me a bit like I'd be unfairly minimizing my own misdeeds. On the other hand, trying to focus equally on both sets of concerns at the same time, especially when they're not really related, seems likely to end up in a big ol' unproductive non-sequitur-fest.

We're all such faulty people, MeFites, that some of you must have encountered this double-fault situation before. What are some good strategies for managing such a conversation so that everyone feels heard? How do you address someone else's legitimate grievances while still leaving room to voice concerns of your own?

posted by Bardolph to human relations (27 answers total)

You're married to one another, so I'd think a, "We were both wrong, so let's forget that whole conversation and move on with life" should cover it.
posted by xingcat at 6:55 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?

You are two separate people and you're going to have different opinions, especially about parenting.

You need to be on the same page for about 80% of it, the rest, he does his way, you do your way. Your kids will survive just fine.

I can't see any good coming from having this conversation. I'm going to chalk it up to hormones that you can't let it go.

Instead of waiting for your husband to admit his percentage of fault, why not offer a heartfelt apology and leave it at that? In all probability he'll apologize too and you can skip to the great sex and renewed intimacy without the strum und drang of that debate/conversation/side-trip to hell thingy you're so keen on.

Who cares who was wrong and in what percentage?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:01 AM on February 12 [3 favorites]

Sometimes somebody just has to take one for the team and apologize, and take the blame!
posted by yarly at 7:04 AM on February 12

With the vague outline of what happened presented here, I don't really see a gigantic issue here; it's just one huge over-analysis getting out of control. So, in that regard, I second xingcat.

But, what concerns me is that I see a much bigger issue. Like, perhaps, you always need to be right, and you know this, but you are trying to work with it by saying you were wrong, but still making sure that he is wrong, too, when, perhaps, he isn't really that wrong at all.
posted by TinWhistle at 7:04 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

Personally, I see this as two issues: 1) you two have a disagreement about how to raise your child and 2) you were wrong in the way you framed the disagreement. If it were me, I'd deal with two issues in two different conversations.

Start conversation #1 by revisiting your apology and by saying in a few days you'd like to sit down again to discuss the parenting issue when you and he have had some further time to cool off.

Start conversation #2 by referencing the cooling off you've both done and then move to the research you've both done on parenting etc. and have a more measured conversation about that.

Just because you may have both been at fault here does not mean that your respective faults relate to the same issue (you: bad framing, on edge; him: laissez-faire parenting, not listening to your research--or whatever), and the work that needs to be done to repair each breach doesn't need to happen in the same conversation.

Hats off to you two to have the perspective to see you may both have been at fault; I think the next level of relationshipping is being able to disentangle the thinking of "I admitted I was at fault, why can't you take responsibility for how much at fault you were"--don't hold the work around your apology/ies (I know you apologized already) hostage to him changing his view.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:05 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

You need to stop demanding that he acknowledge fault in what is essentially just a disagreement. It's not important. You love him, you have children together, you want the marriage to continue. Accept your part in it and let go of the rest.

It would be different if he were actually hurting you in some way or being verbally abusive, but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. Apologize and move on. It will make your life easier and your relationship better to let go of blame.
posted by something something at 7:07 AM on February 12

I personally call this the "shotgun" approach to picking a fight. You kept tossing out minor jabs until you found one that struck a nerve, and now feel that he owes you an apology for responding in exactly the way you wouldn't have stopped until you elicited that response.

When I notice someone engaging in this behavior, I usually just stop responding entirely, since the topic will just keep shifting until I manage to say something I will later regret.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), that "wins" the argument. On the down side, I don't really want to win, I just don't want to have to deal with such petty BS cries for attention.

I apologize if this sounds unflattering, but once you learn to recognize this behavior, you'll start to see it far too often, and not just from your SO.
posted by pla at 7:11 AM on February 12 [15 favorites]

I did apologize to him later that night for having said anything that might have seemed insulting.

I think you should apologize again, sincerely. Telling someone you are sorry that they were insulted by your comment (which is what that apology is) is not a real apology. A real apology would be: "Hey. I wasn't thinking when I said [blah] and I can see why that hit a nerve. I am so sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

In other words, just tell your husband what you are sorry for, don't hold grudges, and move on. He will apologize in his own time, probably. Your apology - recognizing what you didn't handle well and potentially offering solutions so it won't happen again - should not be contingent on him doing the same thing.
posted by sockermom at 7:19 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

Okay so you are mad at him and want him to do something about it. He is mad at you and you do not want that and feel it is unfair so you want him to do something about that too.

Just be mad at each other. Let him be mad at you, whether you feel it is righteous or not. No thrashing!! What is really the problem at hand here? I don't really see one other than you are mad at your husband and want to feel it is righteous in some way and you don't want him to be unfairly angry with you. Well those are just things you have to acknowledge and move on from. Then you can deal with the parenting issue that got you in the argument in the first place because that doesn't look like it's been solved at all. You've kind of veered off into angry tangent land.

It also seems that since you've apologized, you feel you should be absolved. However, in this question, you don't really take responsibility for hurting your husband's feelings or being unnecessarily fight-y.

Also based only on the info you've given, it seems like there might be an underlying communication issue wherein someone needs to always feel that they have the upperhand.
posted by Katine at 7:23 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

Okay so you are mad at him and want him to do something about it. He is mad at you and you do not want that and feel it is unfair so you want him to do something about that too.

OK, just to clarify: I think the problem is that I am mad at him, but I also kind of feel like I don't have the right to be mad at him, because I was kind of a b*tch to him, after all. But I'm still mad, so after I've apologized a couple more times, what do I do with that?

Based on what people are saying, it sounds kind of like the answer may be, "Suck it up," and if so, that's cool. Ducking out of the threadsit now!
posted by Bardolph at 7:29 AM on February 12

"OK, I Did This, and It Wasn't Cool, But Can You Admit That YOU Did THIS, and It Also Wasn't Cool?"

On my planet this is a one thing at a time situation. At whatever point the conversation changes from "we are talking about a thing" to "we are fighting about a thing" we try to stop and hash out the thing being fought about and leave the "Oh yeah but YOU DO THIS" stuff for another time, preferably another day. It's a sort of common arguing thing that happens where both people wind up feeling like the aggrieved person (you see it on metafilter all the time) and neither one can just back up and be like "You know what, forget it, I said that in a shitty manner, I'm sorry for snapping at you. Let's talk about the parenting issue like rational adults tomorrow, okay? Again, sorry"

You've admitted that you are pregnant and on edge. From this outsider's perspective you are getting "sticky" about this situation in a way that is not helping you focus on restoring the general harmony that you feel in your marriage because you're too busy assigning partial blame to your husband for a thing that you admit you're more at fault for. And fault sort of shouldn't matter most of the time if you can achieve some sort of family consensus about the parenting thing or achieve some sort of "it's okay to disagree about this for right now" detente.

And not like I'm some sort of awesome self-actualized being but I've gotten better at the thing I always tell people here "Just because you're angry doesn't mean you have to respond angrily" in my own relationship and have found, surprise surprise, that just not being snappish or peevish or churlish about a thing really does almost always (combined with my partner's willingness to not "Oh yeah well you do this" me when we're talking about something that upsets me) make a situation significantly easier to deal with.

tl;dr The double-fault situation is really really typical, especially for thinky people who are being emotional about a topic. It's often a good idea to have two completely separate discussions about what's up: the main discussion and then a meta "How we disagree" discussion and space them out so bad feeling doesn't slop over from one to another. If you can't do that because you're having a hard time or a bad day/week or whatever, then just table everything until both people feel like it's an okay time to talk and if that time just never shows up, that's when I'd be talking therapy or the Feeling Good Handbook.
posted by jessamyn at 7:37 AM on February 12 [8 favorites]

Ahh okay. You can still feel mad about something even if you don't have the "right." You seem like a very rational, cerebral person and that can put you at odds with your feelings. You're mad. Rationally or not, it is happening. The more you try to stuff it down or talk yourself out of it, the more frustrated you'll become.

I don't think you have to suck it up necessarily, but I think you have to work out on your own what it is exactly you are mad about. He made you upset, you made him upset. In the meantime, it may be helpful to drop the focus on who is more wrong/has more of a right to be upset. It also might be worth thinking about why you want to thrash and fight so much right now. Maybe you feel like it's the only way you get to be honest, if you get down and dirty? Or maybe it's a way to passionately engage? Or maybe you are just tense and have energy to burn? I don't know, and I'm not saying it's right or wrong (hell some of my thrashes have been the best conversations of my life) but I'm curious as to why you often mention a desire to have-it-out in your question.
posted by Katine at 7:39 AM on February 12

OK, I was wrong. But YOU were wrong, TOO!

You were wrong first. Anything said immediately after the 'unnecessarily accusatory' expression of concern needs to be chalked up as the regrettable consequence of the initial misstep. If you are sincerely sorry for the misstep, apologize and proceed with the making up.

I also don't want the original parenting question to fall completely by the wayside, because I'm pretty sure I'm correct and it's a not-unimportant thing.

After a period of said making up, perhaps the next day, bring up your concern again. State it directly with no mention of the earlier fight. Something like "we are using parenting technique X and I think we should consider technique Y because... ." The "we" is really important because you're a team and it's not that he wrongfully does X and you rightfully do Y. It's that the team has been doing X for whatever reason and should discuss alternatives, such as Y. Hopefully this will help him consider the merits of Y without being defensive about doing X wrong.
posted by 0 at 7:49 AM on February 12

I agree - you need to work out what it is you're mad about, and who all you're mad at. Is it just him, or are you also mad at yourself?

But, I just paused mid-reply to go brush my teeth, and suddenly thought: "wait, if she has an opinion, she has to be prepared to cite her sources like she was defending her dissertation, but if he has an opinion he's right because he has a penis????!!>>%"

I'd still be fucking livid, too. Don't blame you a tiny bit.

The reasonable answer would be to find a therapist who focuses on communications skills. Twice-yearly thrash-sessions aren't much healthier, to me, than backing up an opinion with "because I'm a guy." Therapy seems like a much more minor investment than a divorce, which is where you end up when minor parenting disagreements spiral into chronic disrespect - and then you still have to parent with them, you just don't have to live with them while you do it. So, I think maybe let almost all of this specific disagreement go and consider it a little alarm going off for something that is a problem for a lot of people but often very treatable if caught early.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:00 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

I think you need to go farther in accepting responsibility for the poor outcome of your initial discussion. Every single "I did X wrong, but then he did Y wrong" starts with YOUR poor choice of wording/framing/approach to the problem, and I don't think he should be allocated much blame, if any, for reacting in a less-than-ideal fashion. Essentially, it boils down to "I poked him, and then he said "Don't poke me!" too loud." I mean, from your description, he didn't even start poking back! Saying that your partner doesn't have a great track record with a parenting skill is, honestly, a very hurtful thing (unless you're talking about something really trivial like ability to do a decent French braid or give a bath without getting water on the floor).

So, if I were divvying up blame, I'd put it at more 80%/20%. I think you should apologize more sincerely and then just focus on yourself and how you conduct yourself in these discussions.If you rework your approach so that you can raise an issue without putting your partner on the defensive, then you won't have to worry so much about the "my partner gets all defensive and dismisses the original issue." I don't think you've got much of a moral leg to stand on in criticizing how he responded to your initial "wrongs," unless his responses were beyond the pale, such as viciously attacking you verbally, throwing stuff, days of silent treatment, or what have you.
posted by drlith at 8:08 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

both partners were equally at fault (in different, unrelated ways)

If two things are different and unrelated, they can't be equal. Prioritize one of them, and if the problem is resolved though discussion or apology, let the other one slide because you just made up.
posted by grog at 8:21 AM on February 12

My perspective differs from most here. To me it reads like your husband got disproportionnately defensive in this scenario.

My ex and I were both analytical rational people who's discussion styles seems to mirror yours. I would more easily try to take responsibility for misunderstandings - which is what I see you trying to do here. This meant, in the end, that he could easily "duck out" of taking responsibility for his share. (Because yes, I do believe happiness is more important than being right.) My ex would also refuse to engage with me on issues if he judged that "my tone" wasn't right. He would also misconstrue what I said and blow a minor offense into a major one. All this meant, in the end, that my concerns rarely were addressed.


You're married so clearly your communication style is mostly working for you. Do not lose sight of this. I would encourage you to figure out if what is bothering you most is the parenting issue itself or the way in which your voice was "cast out" of the conversation, using diverse monitoring tactics (monitoring your tone, the way you phrased things, etc.). We are not perfect humans and as such we cannot be expected to always communicate things clearly. Maybe you don't want an apology so much as you would like to at least feel like he still sees that you meant well by bringing up the parenting issue.
posted by Milau at 8:23 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

You opened using "unnecessarily accusatory fashion" and when that didn't get a good response you followed up with a comment that insulted both his parenting skills and his competency at his job. It isn't cool that he was dismissive of your underlying concern and I can see why it would make you angry, but it is quite a predictable response given the way you decided to initiate the conversation.

I would suggest letting things cool down for a week or two. Then, try to re-engage on the parenting issue in a more productive way. If that conversation goes well, then perhaps bring up the fact that you've been frustrated by his prior lack of receptiveness to your points on that issue. Don't try to get any sort of agreement on the allocation of fault.

(On the irritating comment regarding men's and women's parenting styles, I'll just note that I sometimes make those sorts of stupid comments. It's weird being a dad. You sometimes get over-praised for doing the most basic things. As if you deserve to be put on a pedestal for not ditching the kids and moving to Florida. However, there is also an all too common belief that you have no idea how to care for kids and need lots of supervision. I find that I sometimes react poorly and become overly annoyed with what I percieve to be petty criticisms of minor differences in parenting styles. I handle this stuff better when I remind myself that the people I'm dealing with respect me and that I, like everyone, make parenting mistakes and have room to improve.)
posted by Area Man at 8:32 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

I think the answer is sort of "suck it up" but not exactly. It's not that you have to fume silently, it's that you acknowledge to yourself that you're angry, and you give it time -- all without trying to elicit any particular reaction or feeling from your husband, and without trying to apportion blame or figure out whether you deserve to be angry. When you find yourself replaying the argument, try to distract yourself. You know that eventually you'll find some perspective and realize this isn't a big deal, so just try to relax until you get there.
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:55 AM on February 12

In retrospect, I calculate the proportion of blame for this whole thing as maybe 60:40 me:him?

Just don't do this. The other person will always calculate it differently, and then you get into a new argument about why they were wrong in the other argument.

You've apologized. If you need some reassurance from him that his words were said in anger and he respects your parenting skills, then ask him for that.

And in the future, start out any discussion about parenting with the assumption that the other person wants what's best for the child and is doing what they're doing out of boundless love. That will keep you from being accusing, which will eliminate the need to get defensive, etc.
posted by headnsouth at 10:01 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

"OK, I Did This, and It Wasn't Cool, But Can You Admit That when YOU Did THIS, and It Also Wasn't Cool? I felt such-and-such a way and that's a problem for me. I need to talk that through with you. Is now a good time?"
posted by jon1270 at 10:10 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

But I'm still mad, so after I've apologized a couple more times, what do I do with that?

You may not get your way here. Will that mean you will be mad forever? The answer to "what do I do with that?" may be accept that you disagree. I feel you want a resolution which, to me, sounds like you have to agree in order to feel resolved. If that's the case, this particular issue and how you expressed yourselves is besides the point. You will disagree again and will need to figure out what to do about it other than figure out which of you is "right." Can you remain close while disagreeing?
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:18 AM on February 12

I was wondering a bit what you meant when you said you were pretty sure that you were "correct" on the parenting issue. With 90% of the issues that pop up in life, and parenting especially I'd imagine, there's not a one cut and dry correct answer. It may be that your husband is just coming at this from a different perspective than you are. It sounds like your belief on whatever the issue is is quite important to you, but in order to convey your perspective you're going to need to be approaching this as a team and you need to elicit his trust in order to make him inclined to really listen and understand. The percentage-wise appropriation of blame doesn't seem very productive.

You should probably apologize for blowing up at him first. The language you used (pregnant and in a bad mood) sort of sounded like you were making excuses, no offense. Everyone gets in bad moods especially the pregnant, tired, etc., but when you do it's good to be an adult and own it. Take care of your side of the street and see what happens in terms of creating a safe space to discuss the issue.
posted by mermily at 10:23 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

I think you need to separate the issues.

1. You feel bad for actin' a B.
2. The parenting issue.
3. You're peeved at the way he acted.

If I were you, I'd try to drop #3 or at least keep it from getting entangled with #1 and #2. As for dealing with #2, I'd preface it with an apology for #1. Take complete fault for it, give a genuine and sincere apology for the way you acted and acknowledge how that must make him feel, and expect nothing in return. But with all that behind you, you'd still like to have a discussion about #2.

If #3 is recurring issue, I'd try to tackle that with a separate conversation. Don't just focus on this situation, but the recurring nature of the bothersome attitude. If it's a one time thing...I think you really need to get over it. You probably just caught him at the wrong time, he probably had low blood sugar, hadn't slept well, and needed to poop and it was just the wrong time to be bitchy at him. How would you have reacted if the tables were turned?
posted by hannahelastic at 12:34 PM on February 12

if you are looking for a different framework: it may have been a "minor" concern, but you chose to escalate-then-attack. To me, that means you are wrestling with a deeper issue here. (an inflated ego that must always be right?) I would like to know how many other "minor concerns" you feel it necessary to "bring up" to your husband, where it may be seen as accusatory. I would guess this happens a lot more than you might realize and that his initial dismissive response was normal, predictable and a reliable way he keeps the peace. (just like he chose to hold his tongue at your apology-he was probably still pissed)

Anyway - if your apologies require apologies, you'll likely soon get them, but they won't be authentic methinks.

also: "it would be great to have a Thrash-It-Out" is a little alarming to me -- he might have an entirely different perspective on these "discussions:-- i.e. they are unnecessary, exhausting, & insane. (I almost always hate them)
posted by mrmarley at 12:39 PM on February 12 [2 favorites]

OP, you're pregnant, and hormones are powerful. I think it is very likely that this particular argument is taking on a significance it doesn't really deserve because of that. You may, quite rightly, feel that your spouse isn't taking on his share of parenting chores, and that's one thing. But if you really just disagree about when the chores need to be done, there is no right or wrong; you are both going to have to compromise.

Your argument went something like this:

OP: Ugh! Kid is a mess. Kid should be getting a bath every night, it's not healthy to go dirty (minor parenting issue, bought up argumentatively).
Spouse: Yeah, I don't really think it is unhealthy not to have a bath *every* night. I think Moms worry more about how the kids look than Dads do (annoying parenting generalization).
OP: Well, I am sure I have read that it is unhealthy for kids to go dirty; you know I've read a lot more parenting books than you have! Plus, it's not like you ever bathe Kid when it's your turn, anyway (appeal to authority, insulting parenting technique).
Spouse (angrily): Look, I'm an LPN and I have to bathe people all the time so I know something about the connection between cleanliness and health, too. Are you saying I don't know my own job? I am not the Kid here. You need to modulate your tone.
(Kid shows up)
OP: I think we need to talk about this later (nods in direction of kid).

Then later, you gave a halfass apology--sorry, but saying, "I'm sorry if you felt offended by something I said," instead of saying, "I'm sorry for what I said," is not a real apology.

And now you are wondering how to go on, right? I'd say, apologize for real, then revisit the parenting issue without all the GRAR, with the focus less on what is RIGHT and more on how the two of you could compromise on this issue. This kinda seems like a no-brainer to me, but...

The difficulty is that every single one of these so far has taken the classic form of "You Did (/Do) This, And It Wasn't(/Isn't) Cool," with one person (identity varies) the clear aggrieved party and the other one the grievance-creator. The discussion then aims to resolve to what extent the aggriever is actually at fault and what kinds of concessions/apologies are due to the aggrieved party.

Others picked up on this too, but you really seem to need to be RIGHT. In the paragraph I highlighted, it seems like you are used to being the "clear aggrieved party". You bring up past wrongs, the two of you spend the night hashing things out in great detail, and your partner finally admits he was wrong and apologizes. You enjoy that dynamic.

However, I cannot see why in the world your spouse would share that opinion. He's getting shamed like a naughty puppy who peed on the carpet and gets his nose rubbed in it. That's a really sucky conflict resolution dynamic, from the puppy's point of view.

So now, you realize you are partly wrong, and can't take on the aggrieved party, and you are looking for a way to skip the part where you play the naughty puppy role, so you are rationalizing this and trying to find a way around it.

My answer stands: apologize, and work on compromising instead of apportioning blame from here on out.
posted by misha at 2:54 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]

An ex-girlfriend & I took our troubles to a relationship counselor, who catechized us in the ritual of a particular style of conflict resolution (whose name completely escapes me at the moment).

Basically, it was:

1. Person A shuts the hell up while B describes everything that bugs him/her about the situation, in great detail.
2. Person A reiterates every damn thing he/she heard back to B, proving they "got it" and heard the whole thing. B corrects A on any mistakes.
3. A acknowledges, point-by-point, that everything B felt was reasonable, given that B had their own understanding of the situation, background, etc.
4. If the two aren't exhausted by now, B and A trade places.

It was absolutely freaking amazing how this process removed residual pain and anger from past conflicts.

This, coupled with other experiences in customer service and so forth, led me to this belief:

Most of all, people want their emotional responses validated. More than they want to be right. More than they want to be declared "right". More than they want revenge. More than they want compensation for harm. The most emotionally rewarding event that can occur after suffering stress is to have others say, "I'd feel the same way if I were you!"

And if the person saying that is somehow the source of their stress, and is convincingly sincere in their empathy, it satisfies almost the entire emotional need.

It still amazes me. It still works.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:43 PM on February 14 [5 favorites]