How do (or should I) find out how a classmate died?

February 11, 2013 2:37 PM

Someone I went to high school with died a year or so ago. I never learned what the cause of death was, and I'm curious. I drive by an adopt a highway sign dedicated to their memory often, and it confuses and bums me out.

There are a few clues: 1) On their social network profile after their death, some people posted things along the lines "how could they do this?" 2) On their obit, it said donations could be made to a depression-related charity. Those clues lead me to believe that it was a suicide. But no one has ever confirmed it to me. The deceased person was a friend of mine to some extent. I recently asked a few friends/classmates on facebook, people I don't contact regularly anymore, and they won't say anything or reply, despite having recent activity. The messages are kind, start with apologies, explain the adopt a highway signs and talk about how they bum me out and such. I don't want to ask a lot of people and risk alienating them. I do have a few more leads. How should I go about this, or should I just drop the matter? I just want closure. I don't want to know details about what happened. I am in my 20s, if that matters.

posted by anonymous to human relations (28 answers total)

Drop it. I can think of few things more alienating than an unexpected Facebook (!) message from some dude I kinda knew asking me how my friend died. If it was any of your business, you'd know by now. Circumstances are pointing at the fact that it is not.
posted by griphus at 2:42 PM on February 11 [26 favorites]

I understand the impulse - I find myself wondering what happened to anyone who died suddenly and young even if I didn't know them. Also I wish people would be more open about suicide (if that's what it is). However, times like these are not the times to satisfy my curiosity or to advocate for suicide/depression awareness obviously. So I'd say drop it.

As griphus says, if it's your business you would know by now. It seems like you want to know more for you and because the signs bum you out. That's not bad or wrong, but it's not something you should be bringing up to people who are grieving.
posted by sweetkid at 2:45 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Drop it. It's not a heinous crime, but I cringe that you've already messaged people. They don't want this dredged up. If it bothers you, it seems safe to assume that it was suicide.
posted by cmoj at 2:45 PM on February 11 [4 favorites]

Keep in mind that it may not be clear even to those who are in the know, if it was a suicide or not. I have a friend who passed away, and even though I do happen know the circumstances of the death, it could be interpreted as accidental or deliberate. Nobody will ever *really* know.
posted by molasses at 2:46 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

The "clues" you describe would lead me to assume that this person killed themself, derive some closure that way, and leave it at that. It sucks that some communities/people aren't more open about suicide, but this isn't really the time or place for investigative journalism.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:48 PM on February 11 [3 favorites]

Cause of death should be a matter of public record. If you dig into the bureaucracy, you can probably figure out the "how" of this tragedy if not the "why", all without bothering anyone with unwelcome questions.

How to Locate a Death Certificate (Yes, eHow sucks, I'm sorry)
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 2:50 PM on February 11 [3 favorites]

It's understandable that you would be bummed out and curious. You're not a bad person for wanting to know, but I do think you should drop it, because if the family had wanted to make the information public, they would have done so. The last thing close friends and family want to do is answer probing questions about this person's death from non-close acquaintances, out of the blue--which is probably how you are coming across, even if you don't intend to.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:51 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

it sounds like you already know. you aren't owed any closure. let this go.
posted by nadawi at 2:53 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

You could look at the local police blotter for that day, or request a copy of the death certificate if those are made available to the general public by your state (if you're in the US).

But you know, if someone's cause of death isn't given in an obituary, that's generally a sign that the family doesn't want to share that information with the public.

So unless you have a compelling reason to know that seems worth your reviewing or requesting relevant public records, I'd let it drop.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:54 PM on February 11 [4 favorites]

I suggest finding closure in a different way. Find his family's address and send them a gentle note of remembrance. Do not ask "What happened!!?" But express your sadness at his loss, and note that you think of him every time you pass the roadside sign. Find simple words to express that, no matter how his life ended, you were glad to be part of it while he was alive. Let them know that you would be open to stopping by sometime, if that's true. And consider that your closure.
posted by samthemander at 2:55 PM on February 11 [11 favorites]

I just want closure.

Look, let me be blunt: if it was a suicide -- and it sounds likely -- then tossing around "closure" like this, in regards to someone you didn't even know that well, comes off as pretty glib and self-centered. "Closure" is something his family and close friends will probably spend the rest of their lives searching for and agonizing over. I totally understand your curiosity (a college acquaintance of mine died about 10 years ago and other than an extremely vague and mysterious two-sentence obit in his hometown newspaper I was never able to find out anything about it), but you would do well to understand two crucial points: 1) This Isn't About You (point 1b: most things in life aren't), and 2) you will cause more pain in others than you will salve in yourself if you pursue this.

A condolence note to his family, without any request for details, would be a kind gesture. But please stop asking people for more information. I absolutely wish our culture was more open about depression and suicide (and death in general), but this is not the way to go about it.
posted by scody at 3:02 PM on February 11 [39 favorites]

Interestingly, someone else asked almost exactly this question last year:

I saw on Facebook that a high school acquaintance died; how can I find out what happened?

I think it's understandable that you're curious, but also that you should keep your curiosity in perspective. If you're going to ask someone, this is something to be asked one-on-one, in person, of people you are close enough to that you can gauge their reaction and ease off if needed, and they know you well enough to take it in the right spirit.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:13 PM on February 11 [3 favorites]

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh. It is completely normal for some people to need to know "what happened" in varying degrees of detail in order to feel closure as part of their grieving process. I do agree though that this is not a question to pose over email, especially not to people you are not extremely close friends with. I wonder if contacting the funeral home would be an option (I honestly have no idea what information they can disclose). I would accept though, that based on the clues it was unfortunately a suicide. I find obits of young deaths tend to clearly state the cause of death or indicate it was an illness/accident to avoid the perception it may have been a suicide. I understand that this is the way you wish to have closure, but I think a card, sent to his family, that includes a few vivid personal memories of your friend and expressing the absence that still exists in your life because of them would be something that may help both of you.
posted by saucysault at 3:39 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

Cause of death should be a matter of public record.

It may or may not be. You can get a copy of a death certificate, but many jurisdictions redact the cause of death. I know mine does. So it's worth a shot, but it's no guarantee of anything.
posted by valkyryn at 3:56 PM on February 11

A funeral home will not give out information on a cause of death. The appropriate way to find information on cause of death when family and friends of the deceased are reluctant to share it is to search relevant public records. Those are there for the information of the public.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:56 PM on February 11

If you just want to know what happened but you don't need details, then I think you have accomplished your task.
posted by bleep at 3:57 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

And if your jurisdiction is like valkyryn's and doesn't include cause of death in those public records (that's a new one on me!) then the information is not going to be forthcoming. So you'll have to make your own closure.

Which, may I suggest with all kindness, is what you're going to need to do anyway. If someone told you "Joe committed suicide," what would you do? If someone told you "Joe died of a sudden pulmonary embolism," what would you do? Would either answer make a meaningful difference in your life? If so, maybe do whatever it is that you would do without that answer, if it's "get help for my depression" or "encourage my brother to see a cardiologist about why he gets short of breath".

I really get wanting to know answers. One of the reasons I've worked as a journalist was my longtime craving for answers (and one of the nice things about being a novelist is getting to make the answers up). I still want to know if my father died of a bowel obstruction or of kidney failure or of heart failure. But we didn't order an autopsy because it was important to him to have an open-casket funeral, so I'll never know. Sometimes the answer is "No answer" and there's nothing you can do about it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:05 PM on February 11 [4 favorites]

And I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose friends your own age. One of the rueful things about growing older is that you get more and more used to it in some ways, and in other ways it's always a shock.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:09 PM on February 11

I knew a kid who died in high school. I recently flew out to the wedding of his older brother, I was best friends with a girl whose house it had happened in, I was close friends with a guy who was supposed to check in on the party it happened at.

Without prying, I've heard eight different scenarios about what happened that evening. Sure, he may have been self-destructive, but was it intentional? We'll never really know. And not knowing, we often find it hard to discuss. We don't want to start a rumor that we all hope isn't true.
posted by politikitty at 4:56 PM on February 11

If the cause of death isn't immediately apparent, and people are blowing off your - frankly - nosy attempts to find out, it's a safe bet that the close friends and family of this person are not comfortable talking to either the public or acquaintances about it.

As people who from the sounds are/were far, far closer to this person than you ever were, and have probably had a far, far more devastating emotional impact from this person's death than you, I think it's worth reflecting about how you can respect their wishes, respect your acquaintance's life and death - which you were obviously only a smallish part of - and reflect on what right you have to "closure".

Your feelings and desire to know are completely understandable - and widely shared - however, most people don't act on those feelings.

I ain't lying, OP, if I received a note like this from someone, however kindly worded, I would think much less of them, and be tempted to reply along the lines of "Show some goddamned respect to me, my friend/family member, and yourself. You seem more interested in this person's death than you were ever interested in them alive, it's morbid, and it's not my responsibility."

No reply is pretty good by my standards, and to be honest I'm a little gobsmacked that it sounds like you've contacted more than one person via FB about this. They will have talked, OP. And what they have said about you will not be kind. You will get any replies from anyone close to this person, unless one of them is particularly gossipy.
posted by smoke at 5:12 PM on February 11 [5 favorites]

Two people I knew in high school committed suicide last year, and I promise you, knowing "the cause of death" does not even come close to illuminating the cause of death. You'll be left with more unanswered questions, not less.
posted by acidic at 5:12 PM on February 11 [8 favorites]

A friend of mine died very suddenly last summer, and I felt the same way you did -- I wanted to know the cause of death. I called the medical examiner's office in the (major) city where she died and, once the toxicology report came back (which took several months), they were able to tell me the cause of death over the phone. I wouldn't say that I feel better now that I have that information, but it does give me insight into her final moments, and that does give a little closure.
posted by southern_sky at 6:01 PM on February 11

if your jurisdiction is like valkyryn's and doesn't include cause of death in those public records (that's a new one on me!)

To be clear, it is included on the record, but when a member of the public requests a copy of the record, they redact the cause of death. Only family members and public health agencies can get the whole thing.
posted by valkyryn at 6:28 PM on February 11

My family member killed himself. scody's got it:
"Closure" is something his family and close friends will probably spend the rest of their lives searching for and agonizing over.

Please let this drop. Life is full of unanswered questions for all of us.

Also, to those wondering why some people/communities aren't more open about suicide: people are private about it not out of shame but because it's so incredibly painful. I made the mistake of telling some people I shouldn't have and their responses and questions were horrifying. I don't want to even discuss it with anyone but those closest to me.
posted by whitelily at 6:54 PM on February 11 [12 favorites]

It sounds like you already know this was suicide - those "few clues" you describe sound pretty definitive to me. Could it be that when you say you "want to know," it's more that you want to talk about it with someone? I mean, even if this person was not one of your closest friends, any suicide is hugely disturbing and most of us need to process it with someone.
posted by selfmedicating at 9:39 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

Even if you learn that it was officially suicide, or an accident, or whatever, that's not going to give you a lot more understanding of what really happened. When a young person (for example) commits suicide on a campus or in a neighborhood, people are always perplexed and confused about why or what they were doing. And a lot of people die of things that might be an accident or might be suicide or accidental overdose or from natural causes-- or some mix of those. One person I know was found dead; at first it was thought to be drugs and people argued about whether it was an accident or suicide, but it may have been a congenital heart problem. Or again, a combination. No one knows.

I think the bottom line of what you have to deal with is that you lost touch with them before they died, there is a gap in your relationship and no one can fill that in for you now. That is one of the things death does. It's sad and if you haven't encountered it much before it's scary. But that's what it is.
posted by BibiRose at 4:46 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

People tend to reply favorably to offers of condolences when they are grieving. They respond less favorably to expressions of curiosity.

The messages are kind, start with apologies, explain the adopt a highway signs and talk about how they bum me out and such.

If you have this impulse again, and can't resist it, and message people who you don't normally interact with and who are grieving someone they were close to and you sort of knew once, I suggest you reframe your message so that it's not about you. Something along these lines:

The messages are kind, start with apologies, condolences, explain the adopt a highway signs fond memories I have of the deceased and talk about how they bum me out I hope they are at peace and that their family is doing well under the circumstances and such.

But even then, people have no obligation to respond to anything, and generally speaking, people who are grieving get a pass on social niceties, and their journey toward closure trumps yours. For what it's worth, I envy your somewhat distant relationship to death. It really, really sucks to lose someone you love dearly.
posted by headnsouth at 5:11 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

An ex-boyfriend of mine killed himself about a year and a half ago. He was bipolar and had attempted suicide before we met, so I was always expecting that that's how it would end. When it did, I found out through Facebook. His sister posted a message saying he was gone, info about a memorial service, etc. I e-mailed my condolences to her and, as expected, his Facebook wall became a place where people would post stories and videos and pictures of him, and his mother posts there frequently. There's one guy who I'm presuming he went to high school with who pops up every six months or so to ask, "So what happened? His death was really sudden, huh?" and NO ONE comments or responds in any way. Please stop being that guy.
posted by jabes at 8:34 AM on February 12 [8 favorites]