Feeling responsible for friend's sobriety--need help with boundaries!

February 10, 2013 2:28 PM

(Asking for a friend) I have been sober for nearly a year, and attend AA meetings regularly. Recently, an old friend has moved to my city and has confided in me that they are concerned with their own drinking habits, think they may be an alcoholic, and asked for my help. I am happy to support my friend, but some boundary issues have come up that I would like metafilter's advice on. (Sorry in advance for length.)

Without getting into specifics, while I made some (very) stupid decisions while drinking that had a negative impact on my life, when I did quit, I had no physical, or even really emotional, craving for alcohol. I quit cold turkey and am very happy with my life now, feel that this is the best choice for me, and genuinely enjoy AA. In other words, giving up drinking was not *as much* of a struggle for me as it could have been, and is, for many people.

My friend, on the other hand, would probably be considered a "classic" high-functioning alcoholic. Their drinking has caused major problems in their personal life, and though they've come to me a number of times, sometimes in a very emotional state, for my advice and help, they continue to drink. I have taken them to a few AA meetings. I have let them know that they are not in any way obligated to share at said meetings, but that sharing can be very beneficial, and encouraged them to do so. They expressed that they were uncomfortable with sharing, and only wanted to attend meetings with me, and not alone. They have not expressed interest in getting a sponsor or taking any initiative about their own sobriety.

As a result, I am feeling responsible for my friend's sobriety. When they drink around me (which they continue to do) I feel frustrated and even a little angry. (This is not a problem with other friends who drink--I do not generally feel uncomfortable with people drinking around me.) Intellectually, I understand that the path to sobriety is different for different people, and that mine may have been easier than most, but my emotions don't match (though I try my best not to show it.) It's really taking a toll on me. I do not feel like I am far enough in the program to act as a de-facto sponsor, but that's essentially what I'm doing, because I am the only person who my friend is talking to about these things and the only way they'll attend meetings is if I go with them. I am also responsible for finding the meetings/coordinating with them about when we can attend.

On the other hand, I understand what my friend is going through is very difficult, and I want to be as supportive as possible. I worry that without my help, my friend will not get the help they need. We've only been to a few meetings together, so maybe I need to give them more time. However, I'm feeling like the situation is unsustainable for both of us at the moment. I'd like to draw some clear boundaries so that I can be supportive without feeling completely overwhelmed. I've tried to ask about it at meetings (that my friend was not present at), but have only gotten the generic "be supportive, but remember you are not responsible for their sobriety."

So, the question: What would appropriate boundaries be to draw and how do I draw them?

posted by dysh to human relations (18 answers total)

"As a result, I am feeling responsible for my friend's sobriety." You know of course, that you aren't.

Asking you to coordinate his AA activities and continuing to drink is a huge setup. It appears as if your friend is looking for a scapegoat, if/when he fails, it will be your fault, somehow you've not done your job.

If I were you, I would gently let him know that I'm not feeling that the relationship is healthy and I'm going to withdraw until he makes some decisions for himself and acts on them in an appropriate manner. Then I would cut off contact.
posted by HuronBob at 2:41 PM on February 10 [10 favorites]

I think it's perfectly appropriate to draw the line at not being with your friend while they are drinking. This is how I dealt with the problem alcoholic in my family. I would not be with them while they drank and would not talk to them on the phone when they had been drinking. If I got what seemed to be drunken emails from them I would reply that they should contact me in the morning (this was someone who always drank at night and kept fairly predictable hours). It's totally okay for you to do this just for your own reasons, that it's upsetting to you and that you are newly sober, and they can then make their own choices about what they want to do.

the only way they'll attend meetings is if I go with them. I am also responsible for finding the meetings/coordinating with them about when we can attend.

In my family we would call this emotional terrorism. Someone who was close enough to you that they'd drag you down with them, their hands around your neck saying that you were their only hope and you owed it to them. Someone who will only go to meetings if you go with them is not actually in a place where they can get themselves sober. If this is a person you are intimate with, I would think long and hard about whether this is a good place for you to be right now.

Being sober can be really challenging on its own and one of the most difficult things is watching people flail around trying to (maybe) fight their own battles and implicating you in them. This is not your battle. You have a new and possibly unsteady footing in your own battle. Tell the person that you care about them but you are not going to be their "save me!" person because that is an inappropriate role not only for you, but for them to put any person in their life into. Unfortunately, that's a pretty typical story for alcoholics (blame everyone for your inability to get sober) and I'm sorry that you are stuck in it.
posted by jessamyn at 2:42 PM on February 10 [18 favorites]

1. You are not in any way responsible for your friend's sobriety.
2. It is perfectly okay to say, "I will not hang out with you while you're drinking."
3. You are not in any way responsible for your friend's sobriety.
4. You aren't responsible for getting your friend to meetings.
5. You are not in any way responsible for your friend's sobriety.
6. It is inappropriate for you to be your friend's sponsor. That is a different relationship.
7. You are not in any way responsible for your friend's sobriety.
posted by xingcat at 2:56 PM on February 10 [6 favorites]

Of course you are not responsible for your friend's sobriety!! I certainly wouldn't blame you if you cut them off. But if you wanted to share AA with them maybe you could just say 'listen I aim to be at the x-side of town meeting every tues at 7" whether you go to more meetings in different areas or not. This way you have a sort of 'standing arrangement' that doesn't involve any further coordination or effort on your part and requires them to show some initiative. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, so save yourself the anguish. And congrats on your own sobriety!
posted by bquarters at 3:02 PM on February 10 [2 favorites]

"You are bad for my sobriety. I love you dearly, but at this stage of my life and of my sobriety, I have to prioritize myself in this matter. I hope you find what you're looking for, and I'll be at X meeting every week, but for now, I cannot help you."
posted by Etrigan at 3:30 PM on February 10 [2 favorites]

I had a friend who was doing what your friend is doing. I asked them not to drink around me. And if they wanted to go to meetings with me they had to call and ask if I was going. I did not call them to see if they wanted to go. You have done enough to help them and it is up to them to take it farther. It is a program of attraction not promotion.
posted by cairnoflore at 3:42 PM on February 10 [4 favorites]

Their drinking has caused major problems in their personal life, and though they've come to me a number of times, sometimes in a very emotional state, for my advice and help, they continue to drink.

Stop.Right.There.

You cannot help this person until they “zero out” on their drinking. Whether they decide to go back to it later, that is another issue. However ,for the immediate time, nothing will work unless the person is sober. Not just for a day or two, but a period of time long enough where they can decide honestly what they choose to do with this situation. It could be weeks, but better it be a few months. Not just to mitigate physical effects, but probably more importantly the psychological ones.

Sure, the current scenario may work for out ok, but the likelihood of success (in whatever way they define it) is very low. AA, Rational Reco, private rehab or any of the other programs are pretty much moot until they can deal with the problem as a sober person. The obvious issue – drinking - has to be removed from the equation before the anything else. I have seen a lot of people before try to have it both ways and in the end the results have 99% of the time, been horrible.

You friend’s continued drinking is like them asking you do dig a hole with a shovel. Each time you throw a spade of dirt out, they wait until you are not looking, then scoop a few handfuls back in. It is probably not a totally intentional thing, but you are being played like a deck of cards. This is what addicts do when they are still using. Put your foot down, stick to your guns and stop putting your sobriety in jeopardy. When they are ready to be real, then welcome them back with open arms as a friend would.

What would appropriate boundaries be to draw and how do I draw them?

The Boundary? Just one: no drinking until they are well enough to look realistically at their lives.
The Line? Draw it with a jack-hammer on a concrete sidewalk, complete with ear-splitting honesty.

Sorry for the harshness, but in my experience, unless you start from a well-defined zero point, what follows will always be suspect.

Best of luck to your friend and you.
posted by lampshade at 4:29 PM on February 10

Your friend has enlisted you as an accomplise in his alcoholism. In his mind you are giving him permission to drink. You can already feel this dynamic at work. It's up to you to decide whether to go along with this.

You can ask him to not come around you when he drinks--actually, you can insist on this. You don't need to ask his permission to avoid him when he's drinking.

You don't have the right, or obligation, to chastise him for drinking, or to insist that he stop drinking. You don't have the right or obligation to insist that he go to meetings. As much as it may sadden you to see him in the process of destroying his life, it is not your burden to bear: mostly because it's a burden you cannot lift from his shoulders. By trying to take responsibility for him in this way, you actually make it harder for him to do what he must do, if he wants to quit.

This doesn't meant you shouldn't be supportive of his efforts to quit drinking. You may legitimately suggest that he see an AA sponsor who is trained, and experienced, in dealing with situations such as this.

I know this ground has been covered here. This isn't tough love or callus disregard for our fellow sufferers. Alcoholics sometimes have complex issues; long-term drinkers can be skilled manipulators of reality. A reliable flag to notice is the one that tells you that his drinking is your problem. You are being manipulated.
posted by mule98J at 5:06 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

Your friend is a grown-ass adult. Unless they are physically unable to drive themselves to a meeting (or well, is drunk driving) or take public transport to get to a meeting, they should be be adult enough to get themselves to meetings if they want to go. Making you make them go is ridiculous and makes me think that they aren't really ready to stop drinking anyway.

You know the line in As Good As It Gets about how "you make me wanna be a better man?" It doesn't work in real life if you are being good because of someone else. The someone else may not be in your life all the time/when you want them, and if you aren't interested in being better if not for them, then it's not gonna happen. Unless your friend wants to be better ON THEIR OWN, taking responsibility for their actions, they are not ready to quit drinking. If your friend gets bombed on a weekend when you have the flu and blames it on you, fuck them. I really don't think your friend is actually ready to stop/has hit rock bottom yet, and you should just leave them be until they really mean it. Right now, they don't.

Also, you should not have to sit around with them while they drink. Say no to that one.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:53 PM on February 10 [2 favorites]

Don't expect awesome advice at an aa meeting about your not-so-sober friend unless you are speaking with someone with a lot of years of sobriety under their belt. Most people there are only a few paces ahead of your friend in terms of getting sober. Get the opinion of a few folks who have been around a long time.

Um, do you like aa? Are you getting a lot out of it?

If getting sober was easy for you, in the future, you might want to think about transitioning into more activities and hobbies where people just don't drink because the activity or hobby doesn't lend itself to that.

I say this because hanging out with others who are struggling (including your friend) during this time in your sobriety might not be the best idea.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go to meetings, work a program, or anything remotely like that!!

I am strongly suggesting that you enforce your sobriety by focusing on activities, groups, and hobbies that don't feature a drinking culture because - hey! - that is Real Life for you now. You are a non-drinker. Go do new things along side your aa attendence that supports not drinking. You can now, being sober opens up LOTS of opportunities and free time - get out there and enjoy living life.


This is a long-ass way of telling you that focusing on your friend's struggle with alcohol and lack of sobriety is entirely the WRONG intellectual and emotional activity for you at this time.

Everyone else has nailed the not so great dynamic you are getting enmeshed in by "supporting" your friend. I'm highlighting your alternatives.

There are plenty of things and people you can associate with now that do not include focusing on alcohol, partying, or the struggle of abstaining from alcohol.

Your friend's situation is charged and the opposite of neutral for you. Go find neutral, non-triggering friends and activities to involve yourself with.

Take a pass on this issue because it has nothing to do with you, and your "support" is being twisted into enabling. Yuck.

Go do stuff that is good for you.


(For example, non-triggering volunteer situations are a perfect way to be helping others and stay away from a drinking culture. I'm thinking of volunteering with children, animal rescues, and especially preparing food or delivering food for Meals on Wheels-type organizations. This way you are helping others and being of service without directly exposing yourself to drama. This situation you describe is drama. You don't have the tools or skills for this situation right now, so back away... back away...)
posted by jbenben at 7:10 PM on February 10

Thank you all for your answers so far, they have been very enlightening. Possible complication: my friend's partner of 5+ years has *just decided* that they are leaving my friend (I found out after I asked the question). It seems because of this, having a boundaries conversation might be more difficult but all the more necessary. Any additional advice taking that into consideration? Scripts much appreciated! Thanks!
posted by dysh at 8:04 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

I would not have a separate boundaries conversation from whatever other "aww I am sorry about your breakup friend" conversation you are having anyhow. In fact, I guess if it were me, I'd have one final uncomfortable situation where maybe they are drinking and you are not and say something like "I know the timing really sucks here but I've been wanting to talk about your drinking. I appreciate that you are having your own struggles but it's problematic for me to be around you when you are drinking and to feel responsible for your attendance at AA. If you want to go to AA meetings with me, you are always welcome but you'll need to do that of your own initiative, I'll text you when I'm on my way to a meeting and see if you want a ride." If you get any static from them about them needing you now more than ever and how could you push them away like this keep in mind that it's normal (sad but normal) and you can just tell them you're happy to hang out and chill sometime when you guys are not drinking and they can contact you.

And the boundaries thing is as simple in the future as not serving them alcohol at your house, leaving their house if they bring out alcohol (or saying "I do not want to be around you when you are drinking, if you start drinking I will leave") and being careful/cautious about being out with them at a bar or restaurant but basically just leaving when they start drinking. Leave some money and go. It's awkward and more than a little annoying but it gets the point across. You don't have to fight about it with them, just define your boundaries for you and they can respect them or not but you can respect yourself and stick to your plan. Any other drama, personal attacks or weird negotiation/reasoning is really not worthwhile and ultimately pretty non-helpful. Part of the reason many people have problems with alcohol (speaking form my own personal experience here) is that there's a broken part on their brain either that says "enough" or that doesn't say "too far" This can be a problem that problem drinkers have interacting with other people as well, so I'd be mindful of it in yourself and know when to say when with this friend. Again, sorry you are dealing with this.
posted by jessamyn at 8:19 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

"Dear Friend, I want to talk to you about alcohol and AA. You know that I care about you, and I want what's best for you. That said, this situation where sometimes we go to meetings together and sometimes you drink around me? It feels confusing and a little distressing for me. Sometimes I even feel a little personally responsible for your drinking, which I know you don't mean to make me feel, but I do feel it and it's uncomfortable. So I need to make a change in how you and I interact around this stuff.

Here's what I want to do. If you decide you want to get sober, just say the word and I'll take you to a meeting and introduce you to a temporary sponsor. If, on the other hand, you don't want to quit drinking, that's your choice and we can still be friends, but I've realized I'm not comfortable being around you when you're drinking. OK? Please know that I love you and I'm not judging you. I just need to draw boundaries to support my own mental health. Love, dysh"
posted by feets at 2:09 AM on February 11

Is the partner leaving because of the drinking? Has the drinking increased because of this breakup?

Either way, you are not their therapist, their replacement partner, or otherwise beholden to take on their sobriety or lack thereof as your own.

You need to draw boundaries to take care of yourself first.
posted by RainyJay at 7:55 AM on February 11

The partner is leaving because of the drinking. I am also very close friends with the partner, and believe they are making the right decision.
posted by dysh at 7:59 AM on February 11

Oh, and the breakup just happened, so the aforementioned drinking preceded the breakup. I guess we'll see if this makes his drinking worse, or is a wake-up call. I hope for the latter but suspect the former, at least for the time being.
posted by dysh at 8:03 AM on February 11

I see your friend is a member of AA, but nothing disqualifies him/her from seeking out an Al-Anon meeting. Given what you have written, I'd suggest that Al-Anon might give your friend further insight and tools to enable him/her to get through the current turbulence.
posted by Mister Bijou at 8:19 AM on February 11

There will always be another reason not to have the talk. Actually this is kind of a GOOD time - natural consequences may help your friend reach whatever bottom they need to reach to decide to really get sober. Partner leaves, friends draw bounderies....all coming down on their head.

And I will go to any lengths to maintain my sobriety. My sobriety comes first. I will loose whatever I put in front of my sobriety and my sobriety -these are the things that the people I know with long term sobriety say.

This will help you grow and may help your friend see the light.
posted by shaarog at 2:25 PM on February 11