How do you navigate safe sex with new partners?

February 9, 2013 7:11 PM

I'm getting back into dating after a long hiatus and I realized I have no idea how to protect myself from STDs without seeming like a crazy, overly-cautious prude. Help!

I'm a mid-thirties woman who dates men, but my sexual experience has been confined to a few long-term relationships in my twenties with men I was friends with first. I got to know them slowly, got to know their sexual history (which was very limited), and in a couple of those cases we even got STD testing done together before going below the belt, so to speak.

I haven't dated anyone in several years and am trying to get back into it (mostly online dating). I realized two things: (1) I'm afraid of getting an STD, and (2) I have absolutely no idea how to navigate safe sex with new partners, particularly when I might be sleeping with someone who has had lots of previous partners and possibly some unsafe sex at this stage in his life, and I've only been out with him a few times and feel less knowledgeable about his sexual past.

Obviously condoms (etc) can be used to lessen risk with intercourse, but there will still be some risk since there always is. And my understanding is that oral sex can transmit some STDs; how do people deal with that? I realize it's theoretically possible to use condoms (etc) with oral sex, but I honestly have never done that and don't think I know anyone who has.

I realize I could do what my friends do and just go ahead and take the risk, but several of my friends have STDs from doing so and I really want to avoid that situation if possible.

So, I'm curious: how do you guys navigate safe sex with a new partner? How do you minimize risk as much as possible? I really don't know what the norm is and would love to hear your experiences. Thanks!

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 answers total)

Honestly, if I am going to wiggle around on top of somebody naked, I feel like I should be comfortable enough with them to just ask them straight up if they will go get tested with me.

I always go with something along the lines of, "hey, I like you, I think this could go somewhere, but I want us both to stay safe. Will you come with me to get tested?" Anyone who says no to this very simple and normal request just doesn't get to have sex with me. End of story.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 7:17 PM on February 9 [12 favorites]

Every time it looks like a new partner and I are about to for-serious actually get to the point where we're risky, I stop things and say the following:

"Okay - I got two things to say. First: [I tell them my sexual health history, my AIDS test status, etc.]. Now tell me yours. Okay. Second: you will wear a condom, and that is not negotiable."

With me, the guy wears a condom, period. No matter what he tells me about his sexual history and health status.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:30 PM on February 9 [12 favorites]

Are you looking for what you should do or asking what most people do? Because in my experience most people use condoms for intercourse... and that's basically the limit of their safe sex practices. A lot of people don't even bother to get tested regularly for STDs.

So if you get tested for STDs regularly you're already ahead of the game.

And my understanding is that oral sex can transmit some STDs; how do people deal with that?

Generally they don't. I've never in my life met someone who has used a dental dam. Using condoms for oral sex is somewhat more common but not exactly universal.

My advice is to always use condoms with a new partner and to get yourself checked out occasionally but regularly for STDs. Go in together to get tested before deciding to go without condoms and you better trust your partner when you're taking that step.
posted by Justinian at 7:39 PM on February 9 [1 favorite]

It's not weird at all to bring this up. It's normal and positive. Get tested yourself, and if you're going to have sex with someone, ask them to get tested first. It's nothing personal, and it protects both of you.
posted by woodvine at 7:41 PM on February 9 [2 favorites]

Hey! Good for you for caring! I work with young folks on this very issue of navigating their sexual health and communicating about safer sex practices, but really, I think a lot of us adults could use the same advice.

Things I usually like to point out:

-The whole point of engaging in safer sex is to have MORE FUN AND PLEASURE by means of reducing your anxiety/worry/actual risk. Frame it that way, and it's a win-win for everyone involved. Acknowledge the awkwardness and challenges, but focus on the positives and let them lead your conversation!

-Talking about the logistics of what you want to do and successfully carrying them out (using condoms for penis-in-vagina sex? using condoms for oral sex? getting tested after three months, before moving to fluid-bonding?) is MUCH easier to do before any clothes come off. Talking about it 2 seconds before a penis is getting near your vagina? Hard to initiate and super awkward. Talking about it 5 minutes before? A little easier. Half an hour before? Way easier - you can get the condoms/lube ready! Here are some resources about how to have these conversations: Get Yourself Tested, ASHA STD Talking About Sex.

-Put the safety convo in a larger dialogue about pleasure. You can check in after sex and say something like "I am really glad we used protection because I was able to worry less and focus more on what a good time we were having. By the way, I really liked it when you did X..."

-This will get easier with time and practice!

-Getting tested together at the outset of a relationship is a great idea. But keep in mind the limitations of testing technology. Each type of STI test has a window period of accuracy, i.e. a lag-time from the last date of exposure before the test will be accurate. HIV tests are not accurate until three months after exposure. If there's not a specific "exposure" that you're worried about, what this means is that the test will tell you whether or not a person was negative based on anything that happened up until 3 months ago. If there's been risk in between, it's best to use protection and re-test 3 months from the latest date of exposure. Other tests have different window periods. Some things can't really be tested for, or have tests that are pretty useless. It's important to understand all of this when you get tested. Here are some helpful links: Planned Parenthood STD page, ASHA STD, CDC STD page.

Good luck, and may you have all the happy, satisfying lays!
posted by Betty's Table at 8:43 PM on February 9 [7 favorites]

Reid Mihalko's safe sex speech advice.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:17 PM on February 9 [2 favorites]

this is a super obvious answer but it took me like 16 dates before it sunk in. buy your own condoms. i cannot tell you how many dudes i could have had sex with and didn't get to because i stupidly assumed they would have their own condoms like responsible adults. never did it occur to me to just go buy my own and keep them in a little sexy box for sexy times. anyway, that was how i kept myself from getting riddled with STDs during my oat sowing times.

also, you could just be like me and get really drunk on your first date because you forgot to eat dinner before you drank those 3 vodka tonics and then you guys can have a fun-filled 15 minute discussion about your sexual histories.*

*second date not guaranteed.
posted by kerning at 10:24 PM on February 9 [8 favorites]

This may not be a popular answer because it's not comforting, but condoms have only really been proven effective for HIV and gonorrhea, so I think there's some benefit to just adopting a bit of a zen attitude in addition to your condom use - most of the other ones are either curable or, honestly, not that big of a deal unless you get unlucky with bad breakouts (that is, herpes probably sucks, but it won't kill you and most people have like one breakout at most). No condom will actually protect you fully from herpes, warts, chlamydia, or trich, among others. It's important to just get checked regularly and accept that sex is inherently risky. I find that accepting it lowers the momentousness of having a Big. Serious. Talk. beyond "hey, I'm clean - are you clean?", and "do we have protection?"
posted by namesarehard at 12:31 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]

Re: Asking people about their bill of health: Be warned that it's often possible to be carrying a STI without being aware of it, especially for men. Just asking "Yo, you clean?" is noneffective. And people will lie. Even nice people, otherwise good people, who are usually honest, will just tell you they're good to go. Often out of a sense of shame, or ignorance, or desperation to get into your ladyparts.

Just buy your own condoms and lube. Use lube too, btw. It's important that a condom be lubricated for maximum effect.

As for oral sex - I've used dams and condoms for oral sex. For condoms, learning how to put them on with your mouth is going take all the awkwardness out of using condoms with oral. Polyurethane condoms (like these ones) taste better too and have no fragrance, so go with that. Just watch your teeth.

Also, don't be afraid to kick a jerk out of bed if they don't respect your body enough (or their own, for that matter) to wrap up for sex.
posted by Jilder at 12:51 AM on February 10 [4 favorites]

I'm a mid-thirties single woman too, and in a part of the world (France) where regular STD tests and discussions aren't quite as accepted as they are in English-speaking countries, even though general knowledge about safe sex is widespread.

Even here, it's seen as utterly normal for happy-times to happen only when condoms are present. You should beware of someone who shrugs them off nonchalantly with even the most believable explanations of a boringly mundane and safe sex history.

I used to worry about seeming a prude too, especially as an American woman in France who's already stereotyped as a puritan by people who only know my nationality. No longer.

Here's why. I went out with a guy from a Scandinavian country who had a second home in France, not far from where I live. He'd been separated for almost a full year and, as divorces can only be finalized one full year from the legally-declared separation date in his country (this was true and verifiable), his divorce wasn't quite yet finalized. Our dating progressed to happy-time, which was when I asked when he'd last had STD testing. He went "eh whut" and, since I'm used to this sort of reaction here, I explained that dating carries risks. I was clean and wanted to know my partner was too. He chuckled kindly (so it seemed, my gut didn't react badly to it) and said in what seemed total genuineness, "I haven't slept with anyone except my wife. I haven't wanted to date until now that the divorce is almost finalized. I'd forgotten how dating goes..."

Fast-forward 11 months later. Dude had just got back from a trip to Estonia to "buy firewood" with a friend he himself described as a bar-hopper, while claiming he stayed away from that sort of thing. (I lived in Finland for a while, so I know full well that cruising Estonian bars is code for going to prostitutes, and that you don't go there from a neighboring Scandinavian country to buy firewood.) Dude also threw up several red flags on a dinner together, and once back at my apartment, where I was already prepared to dump him, he got an SMS... from another woman he was dating.

Long story short, dude had been sleeping with several women, and had several affairs before his legal separation and divorce proceedings. I have never dialled my GP's phone number faster. (I'm clean, but DUDE. YIKES.)

Do not listen to reasons, no matter how innocent and genuine, for not getting tested or using protection. You are not being a prude, you are being responsible. Everyone's in the same dating boat together. Everyone knows there are risks; ignoring them, even truly honestly, carries the potential for bad outcomes. I wish I had been more firm. If in a forgot-the-condoms bind, sex can wait the half an hour or, if really out on a limb, full day it takes to get somewhere that sells them.
posted by fraula at 1:57 AM on February 10 [5 favorites]

Followup from the OP:

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful and helpful answers. I realize my question rambled a bit. I guess I have two more specific questions:

1) Do you ask your new partner to get STD tested before even engaging in oral sex?

2) Let's assume you've done all you reasonably could - both got tested (with clean results), using condoms for intercourse. As someone mentioned, tests aren't foolproof because they don't cover any sex you've had in the past three months. Oral sex in particular weirds me out because of the lack of barrier. How do you deal with the idea that you could be catching something a guy has by going down on him (say, he has an STD that didn't show up in his test results because it's too recent)? I suspect the answer is what namesarehard said - you just accept that sex is risky and you know that you could get an STD from oral sex but you just take that risk. Other insights/opinions would be very welcome though!

Thanks again, you guys are great.

posted by LobsterMitten at 7:41 AM on February 10

All the above is true...but also you should prepare yourself for the OTHERWISE TOTALLY NORMAL, WELL-EDUCATED, RATIONAL guy who won't wear a condom. You think: he's 37 years old, this "put on a condom" thing is just a formality, but sometimes it's not! Unbelievable! So just, um, steel yourself for the situation where you really do have to say no, not joking, for real.
posted by skbw at 8:22 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]

From another member who wished to remain anonymous:

I am an early thirties woman in New York who has had a fair amount of experience with casual sex that either stays casual or turns into relationships.

I tend not to ask about STDs because there's no guarantee a person is even being honest with himself about the meticulousness of his self care. I just use condoms. I don't actually buy my own condoms, I do expect the guy to have them. No condom, no vaginal sex. Most guys just put on a condom, no conversation necessary. Honestly if I have to ask/tell a guy to put on a condom it doesn't reflect very well on his self care skills and intelligence and it's a turn off. Still where there's enough other motivations for sex (super physical chemistry), I say something along the lines of 'do you have a condom?' and he'll say yes and go get one.

I don't worry about condoms for oral sex. They're too unpleasant and the risk/reward ratio isn't there for me. I Just get regularly tested for the curable stds you can get from oral sex. If I'm not attracted enough to the guy to accept the risk, I don't go down on him, that's all.

Getting tested together is something I would save for a long term exclusive relationship. Actually the (very) few relationships in my life I've foregone condoms have happened without joint testing because we trusted each other enough to forego that as well. I'm not saying that's the 100% most prudent thing to do, it's not, but honestly that's what I've done.

posted by LobsterMitten at 8:26 AM on February 10

LobsterMitten: " How do you deal with the idea that you could be catching something a guy has by going down on him (say, he has an STD that didn't show up in his test results because it's too recent)? I suspect the answer is what namesarehard said - you just accept that sex is risky and you know that you could get an STD from oral sex but you just take that risk."

After reading a recent article in the New Yorker about the rise of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea — and in particular, antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea of the throat (pharyngeal) — I would be inclined to use condoms for oral sex, actually.
posted by Lexica at 8:30 AM on February 10

Hello, I am a woman in my late-20s who dates men.

I don't use condoms or dental dams for oral sex and I don't know anybody who does. If somebody wanted me to give them oral sex with a condom, or wanted to use a dental dam for giving me oral sex, I would honestly just want to skip the oral sex and do other things.

I use condoms for intercourse. Non-negotiable. If a partner tried to take issue with this, I would straight up leave. This is required.

Here is a sampling of some previous partners, which I will not say is 100% the best way to approach all of these things, but it is what happened.

1. I go home with somebody I know socially. We have oral sex. There is no discussion of STDs. He asks me if I want to have intercourse. I say no. The next time we see each other we do have intercourse, using a condom. Afterwards, we discussed STDs & if either of us had any & when each of us had been tested. He brought it up because he wanted to have sex without a condom. I told him that we would not be having sex without condoms.

2. I have sex with a person who is a friend of a friend. We use a condom. There is no discussion of STDs.

3. I go on a date with somebody who I met online. We start making out. He tells me that he has a condom and ask if I want to have intercourse. I say no and we have oral sex instead. The next time we are together he asks if I want to have sex. I asked him "do you have any STDs?" He says no (but also does not ask me if I have any STDs). We have sex with a condom.
posted by anonymoosemoosemoose at 11:24 AM on February 10

Not getting an STD is far more important to me than having sex. I wait to have sex with someone until I feel a strong emotional attachment to the guy. Then, I ask that he get tested and I get tested too. There is still no fool proof method since HPV can't be detected in men and from what I understand, the herpes test only checks for antibodies to herpes and doesn't indicate whether the person has the active virus. I try to be as careful as possible. Unless I think the relationship might be heading to something serious, I don't bother with sex.

I usually tell men early on that I'm looking for something serious and not casual sex. That weeds out most of the men who would be unhappy with my choices.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:16 PM on February 10 [2 favorites]

I think your approach will vary depending on what you're looking for. If you're looking for casual sex, some of the answers above seem sound. If you're thinking of the STD issue with regard to sex in a new relationship, this script may be useful to you: once it gets to the point where your canoodling turns heated, say, "I am really attracted to you, but just to let you know, I don't feel comfortable having sex outside an exclusive relationship."

If/when you decide to be exclusive, say: "Before we get intimate, let's get tested and swap results, just to be safe!" Upon receiving results, address the oral sex front by saying: "Hey, have you ever had a cold sore?" If he says yes, say: "Okay, I know that spreads pretty easily to lady parts, so let's take extra care when you're stressed/feel anything like an oncoming cold sore."

Bonus! Were a man to balk at, mock, or question these statements, you would know he wasn't a guy you wanted to be in a relationship with, anyway.
posted by artemisia at 8:02 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I think namesarehard kinda has it. What most people do about oral sex is just not worry about it too much. Sure, you can catch some things that way, but transmission rates are pretty low.

But, more importantly, I think you might want to explore why it is that you're so terrified of getting an STI, and whether or not it makes sense to be so terrified. Because if you use a condom every time you have intercourse, you will almost definitely not get HIV (really, HIV is much harder to transmit through vaginal intercourse than they told us all when we were kids). And here's the thing about STIs that aren't HIV: they are no different from other kinds of sicknesses. Herpes is literally the same as cold sores - there is no difference from a cold sore you get from kissing someone and herpes that you get from oral sex. Most of the others are bacterial infections. People get bacterial infections all the time, and they don't panic. They just go to the doctor and get some antibiotics. The only thing that makes STIs different is that you caught them having sex. So I would maybe take a look at whether or not an unneccesary level of shame is coloring the way you're thinking about this. Your body doesn't care how you got something.
posted by Ragged Richard at 5:52 AM on February 11

I'm off the market now, so this may be more relevant for late-twenties behavior, but when I was a lady really concerned about those things:

Yes, you ask for an STD test before oral sex. Most condoms don't work well for oral sex. I've heard of flavored condoms, there's a possibility that you could make a sexy game out of flavored condoms, but it is really best to be safe.

If tests don't cover the past three months, then you just wait three months from the time of relationship and ask for a retest before the oral sex takes place. (And hope he's not cheating on you)

Some ways you can do this are to make oral sex kind of a sexy treat, rather than a part of normal intercourse-pathways.

But I wont' lie - it's tough in dating. I think you can get away with it if you're having condom-using PIV sex, but it's still hard for a lot of fly-by-night people to understand that yes, you are serious about your risks.
posted by corb at 8:54 AM on February 11

But I wont' lie - it's tough in dating. I think you can get away with it if you're having condom-using PIV sex, but it's still hard for a lot of fly-by-night people to understand that yes, you are serious about your risks.

I don't think it's being careless or fly-by-night to take reasonable risks. Transmission rates with oral sex are low, and STDs other than HIV and some strains of HPV are less serious than the stigma surrounding STD's would have you believe.

There is a really wide range of sexual behavior, but there's no need to shame people who choose to have oral sex without condoms. There's a spectrum of acceptable risk, and frankly, I'd rather have a lot of awesome giving and receiving oral sex experience in my life than worry about the possibility of getting herpes. And some people would rather have oral sex with condoms or not at all.

Some people have two sexual partners. Some people have twenty. There's not one right way to do this.

So, please consider that some people have thought about the risk that they're taking, realized it's not a big deal to them, and gone forward. I won't call people with more stringent STD rules prudes, but don't imply that I'm an idiot.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:07 PM on February 11

Having a conversation about "getting tested" or "have you been tested" without specifics is a good way for two people to end up assuming a lot about what has just been discussed.

Tested for what, exactly? You can't get tested "for STD's", there are tests for specific named things, if someone has been "tested" and can't tell you the actual terms for what was tested for, if they bothered to get the results, and if the results were negative or positive for each test, it's not very informative.
posted by yohko at 1:36 PM on February 11

I don't think it's being careless or fly-by-night to take reasonable risks. Transmission rates with oral sex are low, and STDs other than HIV and some strains of HPV are less serious than the stigma surrounding STD's would have you believe.

I'm sorry if I was unclear: when I said careless and fly-by-night, I mostly meant people who do not get regularly tested for STDs and share that information with prospective partners. I didn't mean any commentary on how many partners is reasonable or safe.

I do though think that there's a strong trend to minimize STD risk in an attempt to eliminate "stigma", but that sometimes comes off as an aggressively militant stance towards those of us who would prefer to eliminate and isolate the diseases rather than to be a carrier, especially when we're trying to give advice to people who are currently disease-free and want to protect themselves.
posted by corb at 1:47 PM on February 11

double+ to yohko - people say "oh I've been tested for everything" -- what the heck is everything?

so, I'm a woman who dates men (and i'm still enjoying being able to say, a reproductive health specialist!), and has casual male friends with benefits, that sort of thing.

my personal risk threshold:
my concerns are gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HIV. gonorrhea because, well it super sucks and it's wildly antibiotic-resistant, chlamydia because of PID and infertility issues, and HIV for what should be obvious reasons. condoms protect you very well against these things.

if someone says they "got tested for everything" or whatever and they can't actually tell you what was tested for, well, they need some educating and need to get back to planned parenthood.

I've never had my blood drawn for herpes - it tests for antibodies against type 1 and type 2. and i'm super sick of calling people with test results that come up positive for type 1 and they had a cold sore when they were 11 and now they're crying on the phone thinking that their junk is cursed and they'll never have sex again. my concerns: has someone ever had an outbreak? do they take suppressive treatment? are they experiencing any prodromal symptoms now or recently had an outbreak? risks can be greatly minimized, though never eradicated. if someone tests positive but has never had an outbreak... i admit i don't care so much. A lot of places have it as a special request for testing, they don't do it routinely anyway in absence of an outbreak.

If that's not an acceptable level of risk for you, the only way to ensure that you never get herpes is to sleep with people who test negative for HSV1/2 antibodies and have no history of clinical outbreak. and if this is your risk threshold, that's fine!

anyway, re your question and what I *actually* do:
I use a condom religiously, every time. Buy condoms, stash some in your bag/purse/pocket/whatever. guys who whine about it don't get laid, sucks to be them. Know how to apply a condom the right way - some guys use condoms every time but just aren't good at putting them on, which is going to increase your risks. I've never used a dental dam. I don't use condoms for oral sex - but it's also something I don't really do, so it doesn't come up. I get tested regularly for gonorrhea/chlamydia/HIV, and by regularly I mean twice a year, and after new partners. The professional advice I give people is at least once a year and after new partners.
Once a year I throw in an RPR (blood test for syphilis) into the mix - this is totally overkill given my relative lack of risks, but after seeing cases of it where I live, I do it anyway. I've never gone without condoms except in long-term monogamous relationships.

While my relationships are casual these days, these guys aren't total strangers; if I don't enjoy someone's company in a friendly way and can't have a conversation with them openly about this stuff well before we're naked, then I'm not going to have sex with them anyway. This is my primary risk reduction strategy and one I recommend as your baseline - open lines of communication.
posted by circle_b at 2:56 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]