My boyfriend drinks a lot, should I be worried?

February 8, 2013 2:51 PM

My new boyfriend of about a month and a half drinks a freaking lot! We have dated for 8 months and while I was aware he drank, I was never as alarmed as I am now. I don't know if I just didn't notice it before or if it's because we spend so much time in social situations with his other friends now or what. He doesn't get sloppy drunk or get a temper or anything - though he does become a bit thoughtless, but it makes me uncomfortable how he will just throw back the alcohol. His friends encourage him by buying a round and then he'll buy them a round and so the cycle continues all night or they invite him out to specifically get drunk/drink. I do not drink but the occasional sip/glass of red wine probably like twice a year - only at special events. (more inside)

Every time we've gone out with his friends he'll have like 5 to 7 beers, which seems like a LOT to me. I try to negatively reinforce his behavior by making it known that I won't sleep with him when he's been drinking (I've been adamant about that because his performance sucks when he is drunk). Besides that I don't know what to do or say to him and don't want to seem like I am trying to change him already. I don't want to come across as puritanical - and obviously this is something that he likes to do with his friends (they are all Irish). What should I do?

posted by anonymous to human relations (39 answers total)

That early in a relationship, it sounds like a severe mutual incompatibility issue. Time to cut your losses and run.
posted by thewalrus at 2:55 PM on February 8 [4 favorites]

It sounds like maybe you two aren't a good match.
posted by grouse at 2:55 PM on February 8 [14 favorites]

It sounds like you have incompatible ideas on drinking. It'd probably be better to find another guy to date.
posted by xingcat at 2:56 PM on February 8

Well, that's a fair bit to drink, but honestly, this is more an issue of relationship compatibility than it is of health. There are different cultural and social attitudes about drinking, and as you said, he and his friends are both socially drinkers and have a common cultural bond you presumably don't share.

So yes, as everyone else has started to say, this is his normal.
posted by mikeh at 2:56 PM on February 8

If you're American they are really Irish (and not just Americans who use their Irish ancestry as a feeble excuse to drink), their drinking culture will be more liberal than yours. If the drinking is not causing him a problem, if he's not getting in fights or driving drunk, and if this only happens every couple of weeks or something, I don't think it has to signify a problem.

If it's happening more than once a week, though, I'd escalate this to being a potential problem and be more on your side about it. If nothing else, that would be a lot of empty calories.
posted by zadcat at 2:58 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

I'm confused, anonymous—are you saying that you've been dating for eight months, but you've only been exclusive and/or boyfriend/girlfriend for a month and a half? Usually these days, dating = boyfriend/girlfriend, so pardon my confusion! Just wanted to be sure I understood how long you've actually been together and/or how long this has been an issue. Anyway, how does he react when you apply this negative reinforcement? If you could clarify a little via a mod, that would be useful, I think!
posted by limeonaire at 3:00 PM on February 8

That sounds like fairly heavy alcohol consumption to me too, but aside from your own personal distaste for it, is there any indication that it's an addictive situation for him, for example does his demeanor or behavior change if he does not drink when he wants to drink?
posted by Dansaman at 3:03 PM on February 8

I mean, if you're uncomfortable, then you're uncomfortable. If the guy leaves the toilet seat up, then it makes sense to cut him some slack. But if he's a partier, and you're not - that's a pretty big disconnect.
posted by facetious at 3:06 PM on February 8

You're on the right track with not wanting to change him: you can't. You really have two options: accept it, or leave. As the daughter of an alcoholic, I know which I would choose.
posted by something something at 3:12 PM on February 8 [3 favorites]

My SO and I have different habits when it comes to drinking. I spent my formative drinking years in Chicago where the bar/pub culture is very prevalent, and she's from a family with a recovering addict.

My drinking was a shock to her at first, and it almost felt like a serious relationship issue. But eventually she saw that my drinking was not having an adverse effect on my life, her life, and that I was not, in fact, an alcoholic. So it's fine now. I did cut back somewhat, but I would say she came over to my side of seeing things rather than meeting in the middle.

If this is always going to be a serious sticking point for you (and his drinking isn't destructive) it's probably best to cut and run. Because not only will you be "negatively reinforcing" him to stop drinking, but de facto to also stop hanging out with his drinking buddies.

That's not going to be good for anyone.
posted by hwyengr at 3:12 PM on February 8 [6 favorites]

That early in a relationship, it sounds like a severe mutual incompatibility issue. Time to cut your losses and run.

Someone should install a macro so that this is automatically printed every time someone has a relationship question in AskMefi.

On the other hand, that doesn't sound like sustainable behavior.
posted by mecran01 at 3:20 PM on February 8 [2 favorites]

My experience has been that heavy drinkers and light- or non-drinkers can peacefully coexist and/or co-habitate, but both partners have to be genuinely okay with each other on this. So I would advise some honest self-reflection to determine how you feel about this. If you are bothered by his drinking, there's no way this isn't going to lead to big problems down the road.
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 3:25 PM on February 8 [2 favorites]

I don't drink either, had an alcoholic parent, and I really don't like being around drunks. If I was dating somebody who got pissed three or four times a year I wouldn't enjoy it, but I'd put up with it. More than that, and I'd be too uncomfortable too much of the time to feel at ease in their company.

If I was dating someone who drank heavily a lot, *especially* if they rarely seemed to get pissed, I'd be dealing with at least low-level discomfort all the time. Not to mention that spending a lot of time on a different level of consciousness to your intimate partner just isn't very fun. I'm pretty accepting of people and their wacky ways and funny foibles, but this is something I would choose as a dealbreaker. Admittedly MeFi yells DTMFA! or Irreconcilable Differences! nearly as often as it yells Therapy!, but sometimes that's the bottom line.

Obviously my standards are wayyyyyy too abstemious for the vast majority of guys in the UK, but... hey. I don't *have* to have a guy in my life. I come home, get comfortable, do what I want to do when I want to do it, in peace and tranquility. This state has been hard-earned over many years, and I treasure it. I didn't put all this work in so I could then invite a too-often drunk guy to lumber around my house harshing my mellow. There are plenty of heavy drinkers in the UK so drunk guy can always go date a drunk gal instead, and I'll hang out for a guy who doesn't drink much and rarely gets drunk. I'm fine here on my own, I brought a book. No rush.
posted by tel3path at 3:47 PM on February 8 [3 favorites]

when someone drinks a lot, who they are when they are drunk IS who they are.

you hate 'drunk him', to the degree that you are not in a sexual relationship with 'drunk him'

I would operate under the assumption that this is the status quo, is that what you want?

Do you want to date someone who you dislike and won't fuck most the time?
posted by French Fry at 3:51 PM on February 8 [11 favorites]

It's hard to say whether there's a problem and what you should do, because you haven't given us much to go on.

It sounds like you don't really drink ever, and like you have a problem with him drinking basically at all. In which case, I guess you have to decide what's more important to you: being with someone you otherwise like a lot, or being with a teetotaler.
posted by Sara C. at 3:52 PM on February 8

You come from incompatible drinking cultures and have a cross-cultural problem. Buying rounds is pretty normal for UK/Irish drinking, nor is that a lot for someone to drink on a night out at the pub in company. (So long as it's not getting to be every night, but is just one or two social occasions a week). However if you don't come from a background that's relaxed about UK/Irish pub culture, it won't be fun for you to go out and socialise down the pub and it'll cause anxiety. You could try talking to him and to more people from his background about their expectations around a night down the pub and what they see as normal and enjoyable and safe, and see whether that leads you to revise your interpretation of his drinking down to 'mostly harmless' (which to be honest is how it would look to me from my Scottish perspective). It sounds like you're assuming that your own drinking culture is superior and so are not open to classifying his as 'different but mostly harmless' while drawing boundaries around things you want to draw boundaries around (like not enjoying sex after a night at the pub). I would suggest doing some non-judgemental asking and listening around the issue and then seeing whether it's something where you can accept the cultural difference and draw comfortable boundaries or where you need to part ways as you're not going to be comfortable with it.
posted by Flitcraft at 4:09 PM on February 8 [3 favorites]

If it's a problem for you, and it sounds like it is, and it's a deal-breaker for you, and it sounds like it is, hence asking how you can ask him to change without asking him to change -- then you should break up with him. Whether it's worrisome behavior depends on who you ask, clearly. I mean, you can tell him that since you aren't a drinker (and I assume he knows that), it makes you uncomfortable that he drinks so much, but how effective that would be depends on unknown factors about your relationship.
posted by sm1tten at 4:09 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you don't really drink ever, and like you have a problem with him drinking basically at all. In which case, I guess you have to decide what's more important to you: being with someone you otherwise like a lot, or being with a teetotaler.

See, I have a problem with this framing of the situation, as it's weighted towards "would you rather be puritanical, or would you rather be happy?" It seems to be the same spirit in which you've asked the question yourself, so if you look at it this way, what you suspect about yourself is true: you're in the wrong.

But actually, the choice doesn't have to be "being with someone you otherwise like a lot, or being with a teetotaler."

For one thing, I assume that you would never want to be with a teetotaler that you didn't like a whole lot. You want to be with someone you like a lot, right? A teetotaler could be that person just as much as a drinker could. The reality of your situation, though, is that your boyfriend's not a teetotaler.

So let's look at the other side of it: you're with someone you "otherwise like a lot". Otherwise than when he's drunk. So how often is he "otherwise"? How much of your time together can be spent liking him a lot? If that's most of the time, maybe this isn't so bad.

If "otherwise" isn't most of the time... well... IME when I like someone "otherwise" it's usually someone I have to work with or who is not in my life by choice - it isn't enough for me to like my friends "otherwise" and like my romantic partners "otherwise" - I prefer to just plain like them, not like them otherwise.
posted by tel3path at 4:11 PM on February 8

I should add that nearly everybody thinks their own drinking culture is superior - there are cultures where many people literally wouldn't trust you if you didn't drink with them, where "drinking" means there's no such thing as putting away a half-empty vodka bottle and a normal drinking game is "let's see who passes out first". If you don't trust people who don't participate in this, then by definition you think your drinking culture is superior.

Now, I couldn't even begin to function in a society that required this of me, so I'd have to accept the consequences of holding to my standards, but I also have as much right to hold to my standards as the vodka-drinkers have to hold to their standards. The same applies to you.
posted by tel3path at 4:17 PM on February 8 [4 favorites]

I think they way you've tagged this question rather answers it.
posted by StephenF at 4:29 PM on February 8 [5 favorites]

When I'm sober and around people who are intoxicated, I tended to feel disconnected from them, like no matter what I'm just unable to understand the joke -- and consequently uncomfortable. I'm not sure if that's what you're experiencing, or if it's just that the number of drinks (and not his behavior after he's had them) that's the problem.

Is his drinking interfering with his emotional growth, or with your growth as a couple? That is a problem. If he's able to function in his relationships and in his work, it's probably a perfectly healthy habit for him. If you're asking if MeFi thinks he's an alcoholic, my vote would be no, given the information you've provided.

But that doesn't mean that you want to spend your life or your time that way, and that's ok, too.
posted by MeiraV at 5:00 PM on February 8

I've spent half my life in the US and half in Ireland and it is definitely not true that Irish people somehow drink all day or are more accepting of drunks and alcoholism. I'd say its the opposite in fact, doing shots, for example, is not really done there and getting puking drunk is far, far less common and isn't viewed as benign. Also the beer is generally pretty low alcohol and the pubs close early and it's very common for people to be teetotallers. The kind of drinking you describe is probably only "normal" culturally for a fairly young person, under 30 or so, maybe a student or a young single person. It's not any more acceptable to drink 5 beers a night in Ireland than it is in the US, despite metafilters bizarre constant assertions that it is. Hanging out in pubs for hours with your friends is super common but the goal is to hang out, not get hammered. At least past the age of 25!.
posted by fshgrl at 5:11 PM on February 8 [4 favorites]

See, I have a problem with this framing of the situation

Since the OP doesn't really say how often or even really how much her boyfriend drinks, and doesn't mention any ill effect caused by the drinking other than that she doesn't like it, but does say that she doesn't drink pretty much ever, that's really the only way anyone can frame the situation without reading an awful lot into it.
posted by Sara C. at 5:11 PM on February 8 [2 favorites]

I'd say that you have passed the "good behavior" stage of the first 6 months of casual dating, and now that you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you are now getting to know the "real him".

So, what do you think? Because this is pretty much what it will be like from now on, unless he's the type of guy who will roll over and change to please you and you are the type of girl who likes that kind of thing.
posted by Roger Dodger at 5:13 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

Good point Sara c. If it's Friday nights and they're 22 it's totally different than 4 nights a week of heavy drinking in your mid 40s.
posted by fshgrl at 5:14 PM on February 8

Don't stress about labeling him an alcoholic or figuring out if he Objectively Drinks Too Much. If he goes from 7 to 8 beers a night, he will not suddenly switch into TV Alcoholic Who Kicks Puppies and Babies. That said...

I used to be suuuuper liberal about this stuff, but in the end, just as couples sort out along educational and income lines, I think a similar level of intoxicant consumption is important for relationship longevity. I was confused about this and rationalized it away with a number of arguments: They're functional in their work! They're functional in their lives! The studies show smart people drink more! Everyone in college/just out of college/under 30 is an alcoholic by the clinical definition! My parents were teetotalers and miserable, therefore alcoholics and sub-alcoholics must be happy! Etc. The real reason I was interested in these people: Some heavy drinkers are just really sexy. Doesn't mean they'll make good partners for me or you.

Looking back, the alcoholic partners never turned into TV Alcoholic, but they took lots of risks and exposed me to some of them, too, mostly in the form of drunk driving. I'm sure there's a good reason you only have a couple of sips of wine at a time, but spending a lot of time around people who do otherwise will inevitably have its effects on you.
posted by ziggly at 5:14 PM on February 8 [2 favorites]

fshgrl, I think you lived in a different Ireland to the one I did. Most of the people I worked and socialised with would think nothing of putting away five or six pints on a weeknight and a hell of a lot more on the weekend. I was surprised at the level of drinking and it's cultural acceptability, and I'm Australian. I met a grand total of one teetotaler in 18 months.

I don't know if Irish culture is one of the relevant factors for the OP, but it may well be.
posted by deadwax at 6:23 PM on February 8 [3 favorites]

his performance sucks when he is drunk

There are a lot of people in this world who would hear this and immediately start making changes.

But there are others who don't.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:34 PM on February 8

If you want some science, this study came out this week and was reported on in th LA Times. The take-home from almost 20K Norwegian couples: incompatible drinking patterns had a positive correlation to divorce.

So you have some data on your side, in addition to all the input already shared.
posted by scooterdog at 6:54 PM on February 8

I went out with a guy who drank on every date. One night, I thoughtlessly happened to take him out to a restaurant that didn't serve alcohol. He was quite disappointed.

I drink when I have the urge for it, but never really get drunk. When I visualize "a good time" it may or may not include alcohol. My issue with this guy was that, in that moment, I realized that his version of "a good time" involved drinking, period.

I didn't stop dating him because he drank, but because I realized that he wouldn’t be having a good time unless he was drinking, and I didn't want all of our happy memories to be alcohol laced.

He wasn't an alcoholic, drunk driver, irresponsible, or bad in bed. He just visualized our future time together in a way that really didn't appeal to me, and frankly, that's all the reason you need to DTMFA.
posted by Shouraku at 7:14 PM on February 8 [6 favorites]

should I be worried?

Well, depends on whether you're worried about your compatibility or worried about his alcohol abuse (i.e. his health and your safety). Many people in this thread are assuming that he drinks a lot and drinks often. You haven't told us that.

Here is some info about alcohol abuse. There is a lot of good info out there.

For what it's worth, assuming that he has 5-6 drinks with his friends on the weekends, it doesn't seem like a lot to me.

Even if he is not an alcoholic and his life is not negatively affected by booze, only you know whether you, personally, are still comfortable having a partner with this behaviour. But what is sure is that you should be able to talk about your feelings regarding this, without seeming like you're trying to control him.
posted by beau jackson at 7:38 PM on February 8

Depends on how large he is, but that is not "a lot."

It might be "a lot" if he drinks that much every day, but someone drinking 5-7 every day isn't going to have a problem drinking 5-7.

Do you think that you'd enjoy yourself more when going out with your boy if he drank less/not-at-all? Or?

If you think he's a keeper - usually when people get into their later 20's/early 30's the drinking goes away. Not always and definitely depends but the rampant The Group drinking stops as people couple and couples children.
posted by porpoise at 7:54 PM on February 8

the rampant The Group drinking stops as people couple and couples children

See, this is the thing that really depends on drinking culture, and where, ultimately, it depends on how important this all is to the OP.

Your boyfriend might peter off once you guys are older and it's time to "settle down".

Or he might not.

He might be a problem drinker, or a problem drinker in the making.

He might not.

There is no way for us to know, and frankly, this is something you have to decide for yourself whether you're comfortable with. Period. The sooner the better, and without any notions that this will stop due to cultural forces with no action on either your or his part.
posted by Sara C. at 8:42 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

hwyengr: "My SO and I have different habits when it comes to drinking. I spent my formative drinking years in Chicago where the bar/pub culture is very prevalent, and she's from a family with a recovering addict.

My drinking was a shock to her at first, and it almost felt like a serious relationship issue. But eventually she saw that my drinking was not having an adverse effect on my life, her life, and that I was not, in fact, an alcoholic. So it's fine now. I did cut back somewhat, but I would say she came over to my side of seeing things rather than meeting in the middle."

My situation was very similar to this only reversed (my then boyfriend, now husband, was the drinker and I rarely drink and addiction runs in my family, so major baggage on my part). It irritated me when he got drunk because he's a cheap, sleeeeepy drunk and it felt like he was using up some of our precious limited time together (at the time it was a long distance relationship) by getting drunk and falling asleep (which cut into the sexy sex time). It took a bit for me to realize that it didn't affect his day-to-day life, he rarely got "that" drunk and he just wasn't an alcoholic. Now, 12 years after we got married he drinks a beer or two in the summer after working in the yard or another hot job, hard liquor is left to the weekends and is one or two drinks one or two weekends out of the month. In other words, he drinks much less booze now and I've let go of some baggage.

What I'm saying is I can see where you're coming from, but your boyfriend doesn't necessarily have a problem. You have to decide if you can fit his drinking into your life.
posted by deborah at 11:20 PM on February 8

Every time we've gone out with his friends he'll have like 5 to 7 beers, which seems like a LOT to me.

It would help to know how often this takes place. To me,

this...

My new boyfriend of about a month and a half drinks a freaking lot!

plus

Every time we've gone out with his friends he'll have like 5 to 7 beers

and

we spend so much time in social situations with his other friends now

and

they invite him out to specifically get drunk/drink

and

I try to negatively reinforce his behavior by making it known that I won't sleep with him when he's been drinking

and

his performance sucks when he is drunk

and

obviously this is something that he likes to do with his friends

sounds like he likes drinking with his friends more than he likes having sex with you. I would not be cool with that.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:03 AM on February 9 [1 favorite]

I would say it's time for a new boyfriend.
posted by freakazoid at 10:03 AM on February 9

As a thought experiment, imagine he were drinking too many frappuccinos.

Would that be different? If so, how? For me it would be completely different, until and unless he started to get fat or have health problems or we couldn't afford it. But if frappuccinos were mind-altering and addictive, then frappuccinoholism would bother me from the get-go. In either case I would have to proceed knowing it was possible he would continue his wanton frappuccino-guzzling unchecked throughout the lifespan.

That might mean I had different taste in dealbreakers than possibly most people, but de gustibus non est disputandum. I know what's really important to me and what I can let slide, and other people's preferences make a worthwhile reality check but they don't get the final say in *my* intimate relationships.
posted by tel3path at 4:51 PM on February 9

I come from a giant extended family of hard drinkers. A lot of what tel3path is saying really hits home.

Also French Fry's 'When someone drinks a lot, who they are when they are drunk IS who they are."

By the standards of my family, I am an abstainer. Two beers on a Friday night is to them adorable and cute. To my boyfriend, however, 2 beers at home is something in a worrisome gray area.

I feel like someone from my background, more or less, might be able to come to an understanding with this kind of drinker (someone like your boyfriend). "I enjoy going out and raising hell, too, from time to time, but hey, man, even if we're not still going out then, even if we're like, middle-aged neighbors, I am NOT going to sit around and throw your miserable ass into rehab when you're 50. OK? Now, seriously, let's talk about this..."

But I have a hard time imagining how someone who enjoys a glass a couple of times a YEAR is going to be happy with a guy like him. My boyfriend is a 2-glass-a-year type and I myself represent a major accommodation for him.

Here's the acid test for me (and you may know all about this, so please, please, don't take this as patronizing):

You call him at 8 p.m. on a weeknight. Is he drunk? One call out of five? One call out of two?

You call him at 7 p.m. on a weeknight...

If you can't tell instantly over the phone if he's drunk, as of today, you will soon be able to, if you stay with even a moderate drinker.
posted by skbw at 9:19 AM on February 10

As for the performance issue. So I am referencing a song, but I'm dead serious. "House of the Rising Sun" is a classic for a reason:

The only thing a gambler needs is a suitcase and a trunk,
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk.
posted by skbw at 9:24 AM on February 10