Help me learn to play with my daughter

February 7, 2013 5:05 PM

I have a beautiful, curious, 8 month old daughter. I love her, but I don't know how to play with her. Help!

I'm a first time mother (obviously?). I work part-time in the mornings and then I'm home with my daughter in the afternoons. This is not something I love doing (and I'll be going back to work FT next school year), but I want to figure out how to do it better.

I cuddle my daughter all the time. I talk to her. I sing to her. I feed her, hold her, bathe her, rock her, smile and coo at her, tickle her... but I feel like I don't know how to play with her. When the nanny comes over in the mornings, she gets out the toys and plays with her like she's been doing it for years (which, uh, she has, but still). When I'm with her in the afternoons, I do all of the above, but how do I play with her?

She is often content to explore on the floor by herself with her toys or other objects. When she wants my attention, I put her in my lap, cuddle her and sing to her. But what else can I do? How can I play with an 8-month old and make her feel loved in doing so? What's a good amount of playtime with mommy vs. independent time with herself?

Sorry if this is tl;dr. Long and short of it: help me learn to play with my daughter.

posted by elizamina to human relations (21 answers total)

What you're doing is great. You don't have to make a lot of effort to give her extra attention if you're already giving her your full attention whenever she asks for it.

If you want to be more playful, you could do things like: lift her up in the air and back down, or lie on your back with your knees bent at a 90 degree angle and balance her on your legs; lift up her arms and do "How big is baby? SO BIG!"; play peekaboo; sing Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes; stack up blocks and let her knock them down; dance with her; or just generally be silly.
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:15 PM on February 7 [5 favorites]

Could you get some advice from the nanny? Maybe you could have her stay a bit longer one day and ask her to show you what toys your daughter likes and how she likes to play with them.
posted by jenh526 at 5:19 PM on February 7 [4 favorites]

I think the key here is to play *with* her. Once the toys are out, see what she is interacting with and play with those toys (or those similar if she's already involved) and her yourself. She will either join in or not but chances are she'll be fascinated by what you are doing. She's 8 months old, so don't think you are doing anything wrong if her attention wanders. Just join in - as ChickenMagnet says, you're already doing great.
posted by Sparx at 5:22 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

There's a lot of pretend time and stories. Obviously your daughter (and my ~6 month old son) are too young for imaginative play on their own, but it can be fun to chatter about our stuffed monkey friend and her adventures in the jungle. Also, get out of the house. It's a lot easier to entertain a child in the world by just narrating your activities and seeing/smelling/touching new things, either outside or at a museum or something, or even running mundane errands.
posted by judith at 5:44 PM on February 7

8 month olds don't really need or expect hours of 1-on-1 playtime in the conventional sense. Do grown-up stuff and let her be part of it in some way. You can cook, clean, do crafts, yoga, DIY, garden, go on walks with her in a carrier or stroller and talk to her, explaining everything. Do photography (with or without her in the picture). Meet friends (not necessarily with kids although that makes it easier). Go shopping with her, or to the museum. Dance while she watches and claps. Look at magazines together. Listen to the radio and sing along. Right now she's just a cute little sponge taking in everything around her and it can be very draining to try and 'entertain' her. Playing will be much easier, and will make much more sense, when she's older and can interact.
posted by The Toad at 6:21 PM on February 7 [3 favorites]

Figure out what makes her laugh. My nephew around this age, or maybe a little younger, thought it was hilarious if you would walk your fingers up his belly, while making a kind of building-up sound like "dun Dun DUn DUN!" Then sudden tickle attack! The fun was in his anticipation, you could see him bracing himself for it. Super cute. And just make all kinds of silly noises. Fly her around the house superman style with sound effects. Help her dance, while working on her supporting her weight on her legs while you hold her up...
posted by catatethebird at 6:35 PM on February 7

This link describes how eight-month-olds love to explore new objects. You could try things like stacking blocks, connecting or pulling apart baby lego-type blocks, those Fisher-Price stacky-things, and pointing and naming familiar objects ("What's this? What's this? This is a ball!" etc).
posted by Snarl Furillo at 6:37 PM on February 7

Do grown-up stuff and let her be part of it --> yes! Plop her in a sling while you're slicing oranges or onions; thrilling sensory explorations to be had from the mundane...

And, totally not too young for board books. Incessant early reading paid off like crazy here.

Normalise what you want to do over the longer term now -- like, if you go swimming, start bringing her with you so a pool is not an overwhelming scary mystery at two.

Once at 7mo I found my daughter just sitting and opening and closing her mouth to make a tiny *pop* noise, and after watching for a bit I started making it back at her and had the most explosively excited infant; any mimicry is usually a good lolz for a (slightly) older baby.
posted by kmennie at 6:49 PM on February 7 [7 favorites]

I used to take my kids everywhere and just talk to them while doing stuff; i.e; at the grocery store "here's the milk and here's the cheese". Or just take them out to the park and tell them what's going on. If they got excited you could tell what they liked and whether to stop for it or not. 8 mos. is still pretty young and as long as you're involved with her, I think you're good. IMO if she's happy by herself at times that's awesome. That means she can self amuse and hopefully won't be so clingy/anxious as she gets older. She's secure with you and your love.
posted by lasamana at 6:49 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Some suggestions for when she's a little bit older.
posted by ceribus peribus at 6:53 PM on February 7

Talk to her as much as possible. Explain the world around you and demonstrate your delight at beautiful things. Right now she's really absorbing what you model for her and being happy, relaxed, interested, and curious is a wonderful set of emotions to show to your baby girl. Notice what she notices, too. She's still learning how to process what she sees, and that can be pretty trippy into itself to just observe. Read big picture books with her and tell her about the colors and the shapes that you see. Dance with her to all the best music, too! She may start to display a preference for certain artists or genres and that can be hysterical.

Basically just be you and show her how beautiful everything is -- and let her take it from there. You're doing great so far!
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:55 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

What you're doing is great and enough. Letting her play independently in an interesting rich environment (toys in low baskets, board books nearby) is a gift - she can explore and figure out things on her own, a really useful skill as she grows up. If she wants your attention, cuddle her like you're doing and then put her back with her toys. If she wants more, she'll show it by crying or moving over to you. But if she's happy just exploring her toys or chilling out on the rug, that's good too.

There is a lot of pressure to always be doing something with small children, but they do not need to be constantly interacted with. They need you to be responsive when they seek interaction, especially emotional interaction, but it is okay to be parallel to your child - she does her thing, you do yours.

And some people just have the knack for baby/toddler play - my husband and I are okay at it, but two of our kids just have that knack and can make their baby sister scream with laughter while they're interacting with her, playing and singing. It's great that she has a nanny with that knack, but playing with her as a baby is only a very tiny part of parenting and not as important as helping her play by giving her open-ended toys and time to explore them and the skills to do it independently.

You really sound like you are doing a fantastic job already.
posted by viggorlijah at 6:58 PM on February 7 [3 favorites]

Like everyone else has said, it sounds like you are doing an awesome job. But if it makes you feel better, I'm a new dad to a 15-month-old girl and I worry about this all the time! I try to watch my wife and friends or family who are naturals at amusing babies to get ideas. Plus she's getting easier to entertain as she gets older. As others have suggested, just having a bunch of interesting toys in a basket that she can dump out and spread around was invaluable at that age.

I told my wife about your question, and she reminded me that she often feels a little hurt when she picks up our daughter from day care and she cries when taken away from our care provider, who is like Mary Poppins. It's all relative!
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 8:04 PM on February 7

Healthy children learn to explore. She'll look back at you, just to make sure that you're still there. Then she will go forth, boldly, and examine the toys and blocks and other curious objects in her environment.

Raise a healthy, confident child. And understand that, even when she's away, you are still in her heart, giving her courage.
posted by SPrintF at 8:24 PM on February 7

Recently.
posted by Dansaman at 9:50 PM on February 7

And recently.
posted by Dansaman at 9:50 PM on February 7

This is a wonderful and perennial question here - there are a bunch of fun older threads to look through for ideas...

help me play with my 3 month old baby
help me play with my 4 month old baby
help me play with my 5 month old baby
help me play with my 6 month old baby
(And I swear there are some for older babies too, but didn't have luck on a quick search...)

what do i do with my toddler?
motion games like patty-cake to play with my baby
Songs to sing to my baby
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:05 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

In retrospect of every person's childhood I've ever met, my advice is playing is overrated...kids have more than enough ability to amuse themselves. You are already doing so much, I recommend spending the time reading to your daughter, if you don't already. There are way way more benefits, like language, brain development, and an extended emotional bond.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 1:38 AM on February 8 [1 favorite]

Nthing reading. Also dancing: put some danceable music on and get up and dance, with her in your arms, or on your own. Clap hands, stomp feet, shake it. Or waltz her to slow music.

Avoid videos, tv, anything on a screen.
posted by mareli at 6:02 AM on February 8

You could make a box of sensory things -- wooden spoon, metal measuring cup, crinkly paper, a lemon, whisk, sponge, measuring spoons on a ring, etc -- in my experience, this was the perfect age for putting her in the middle of a blanket surrounded by such things, which she would pick up and explore one after another. (It was such a hit that a couple of things -- especially a spatula! -- became favorite restaurant-bag toys!) This is good for when you need a few minutes doing something else nearby, or when you plan to sit nearby and narrate or watch. She would also probably enjoy taking them out of the box and putting them back. Stacking buckets are also a good one at this age -- they enjoy un-nesting them and trying out various combinations, and you can help with stack and knock-over, or get a bath toy animal to climb the bucket towers, or whatever.

And yes, mirroring of any kind is great. She's learning a lot of words from your narrations, but the idea that she can communicate *back* will blow her mind, even if all you do is repeat a silly sound or mimic a hand gesture. Good foundations for later attempts at more systemic communication.
posted by acm at 6:48 AM on February 8

Your local public library will likely have programs for baby lap-time, where parents/caregivers take infants and young toddlers to play and sing. This is a terrific social experience and bonding time for you both.
posted by Deodand at 10:14 PM on February 9