My sister has a hobby my spouse finds offensive. How to set boundaries?

February 6, 2013 5:13 PM

I need to set some boundaries with my spouse about my sister's new passion, which is something he finds offensive.

I have been with my partner for two years, one living together. He has never met my older sister because she lives in another state and for various reasons does not come home to visit. He has seen her on webcam and heard stories, and he can for the most part deal with her somewhat drama-filled life, but he recently told me he feels conflicted about a hobby she has.

The hobby is something which is legal but which many people find offensive---it's not drugs or hunting for sport, but it's on that same level and is something which has been in the news and which people have very strong opinions on. He feels that his hobby is profoundly offensive to him on a deep and fundamental level and it bothers him a lot that she participates in it.

I am not thrilled about it either, to be honest. But I have more history with my sister than he does. We have been through stuff. I am not going to cut her or stop loving her other this. At the end of the day, she is my sister and that means something to me. I also know from past experience that these passions of hers tend to come and go, and that regardless of whether this one does or doesn't, she lives very far away and is a grown adult, so there is not much I can do about it.

Rationally, spouse understands all this. But he gets very weird when I talk to Sistsr, and I am getting tired of it. We have a policy of being open and not keeping stuff from each other, but it feels like when he asks didmI talk to her, what did she say, is she still doing hobby etc. and I answer him, he gets very upset. I have heard too many rants lately about horrible X is, don't I agree with him, how can my sister participate in these activities and so on. I feel like it turns into a fight with ME sometimes, and I didn't do anything wrong!

So is there a best way to handle this? The likelihood he'll have to see her or speak to her anytime soon is remote at best. It's just me and sis on FaceTime right now. I get that he doesn't have to love everyone in my family in order to love me. But I would like to share the good stuff about my sister with him and to have him see her as more than just this one thing. And I would like him to understand that she is family and to respect, if nothing else, that. I don't want to feel furtive or shameful for maintaining a relationship with my own sister. What is the best way to handle this?

posted by anonymous to human relations (55 answers total)

By telling him this. (And we'd be better able to help you if we knew what the "interest" is. You're anonymous here, it's ok to say what it is possum.)
posted by taff at 5:17 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

You need to say what the hobby is. Something like doing drugs or hunting for sport? Those are totally different "hobbies". Even being a pothead versus a heroin addict are very different "hobbies".
posted by medusa at 5:20 PM on February 6 [14 favorites]

I don't know if proper advice (to the extent that you can get it anonymously online!) is possible without knowing what the hobby is. The term 'offensive' is pretty subjective.
posted by fso at 5:21 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

but it feels like when he asks didmI talk to her, what did she say, is she still doing hobby etc. and I answer him, he gets very upset

Am I understanding you right that he deliberately asks about stuff he knows will make him upset?

He needs to stop doing that: tell him that. And if he doesn't stop, then you need to be very clear that you are not going to talk about her hobby with him, or anything else about her since he finds it so upsetting. Then don't talk to him about it.

He also needs to find someone else to rant to about how much your sister's hobby bothers him. What does he realistically expect you to do? Make her stop? Stop talking to her? Neither of those sounds likely or healthy.

P.S.: It doesn't matter what the hobby is, for godssakes. The husband's behavior is still over the line and is counterproductive anyway. It's not his business and his behavior is upsetting his spouse.
posted by rtha at 5:23 PM on February 6 [62 favorites]

I'm trying to figure out what the hobby is if it's not drugs or hunting. Sport shooting? Raising chinchillas to sell to furriers? Taxidermy? Home brewing (if your husband is a teetotaler)? I guess that would count as drugs, though.

In any case, "I know you disapprove of [Sister's] hobby. You've made your point very clearly. I am not interested in discussing this any further."
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:31 PM on February 6 [7 favorites]

[Folks, let's presume the OP will either come back to tell us more about the hobby or not, please don't comment with speculations if you are not answering the question, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 5:31 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

The boundary is that he no longer shares distaste for your sister's hobby. His opinion is irrelevant.
He's made himself perfectly clear; now it's time for him to stand mute. Tell him this.
Once he's aware he's damaging your relationship, he'll most likely cut it out.

Seconding that the hobby is irrelevant.
posted by Pudhoho at 5:32 PM on February 6

I don't know how you handle it other than to have another big talk with him. Tell him that you are not interested in arguing about or even discussing your sister's cockfighting (or bear bating or whatever), that you aren't going to drop her, and that he is hurting you and damaging your relationship and has to stop.
posted by Area Man at 5:33 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

"I am not going to cut Sister out of my life or stop loving her over this. At the end of the day, she is my sister and that means something to me, and I need you to respect that. The one and only thing you are accomplishing in asking me about Sister's Hobby is to create friction in our own relationship, so until that changes, I will no longer discuss this particular detail of her life with you. You can stop asking, or you can keep asking and I will change the subject. Your choice. I love you. Now let's [make out/pursue a mutual hobby/donate to a cause that counteracts Sister's Hobby/have dinner/whatever]."
posted by scody at 5:39 PM on February 6 [36 favorites]

"Honey, it doesn't look like my sister is going to stop being a furry anytime soon, and I'm not prepared to cut her out of my life because of it. I feel really ashamed when you argue with me about it, and I feel like I can't be honest with you about my relationship with sister because of that. I am asking you to stop discussing her furry lifestyle with me. I'd love to have other conversations with you about my sister's life and her activities. Can we do that without discussing the one aspect of her personality that you find distasteful, or do I need to stop talking to you about my sister entirely?"
posted by Rock Steady at 5:41 PM on February 6 [7 favorites]

As wildly curious as I am about what sister's hobby could be, I don't think we need to know what the hobby is to offer advice. The key here is this is about the relationship between the OP and her husband, not the detail of sister's hobby.

I've encountered a little of this from my dad toward my husband and here's the gist of what I said, "Look, I love you both and I feel like you are putting me in an impossible position here. While I share your opinion about sister's hobby, I do not want to argue with you about Sister's hobby with me as her proxy. I do not expect you to support her pursuit of this hobby but I will continue to be her sister and that means I will stay in regular contact with her, include her in my life and I would like you to be supportive of my relationship with her."
posted by jamaro at 5:42 PM on February 6 [16 favorites]

I think at this point, taking a break from discussing your sister is important. You need to establish this boundary between yourself and your SO. Refusal to discuss a topic can be necessary even for healthy relationships. Some people need time to come back from a conflict based topic once they have cooled down and are ready to have a rational discussion rather than a heated argument.

With that being said, eventually you will need to have a discussion about this topic. There will not be a right or wrong time, but there should be an appropriate time when you and your SO are both emotionally ready.

When you've finally reached that point, consider having an open conversation about your sister and the important role that she plays in your life. If you have photo albums or videos lying around your home then share those with your SO too. These memories that you and your sister created serve as foundation for the adult relationship that you have today.

Show your SO a different side of your sister through childhood/adolescent/young adult photos and videos. He might be focusing narrowly on this one part of her because he doesn't have a strong connection to her. So, hopefully sharing memories with him will help give him insight into how you feel about your sister and your ability to focus more on who she is rather than strictly on what she does.
posted by livinglearning at 5:49 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

Tell him she's a grown up, she's your family, and you love her. Then tell him to get over it because it's her life.
posted by discopolo at 5:52 PM on February 6 [6 favorites]

I think we can all guess if we think hard enough.

Look, it's none of your husband's business and you have to shut that down by refusing to engage with him in it. Focus only on the stuff about her you want to talk to him about. Refuse to get involve in any other discussion. Don't be afraid to be hardline about this - after all, he's not respecting your boundaries here and he needs to understand that you won't engage him in this type of discussion.
posted by heyjude at 5:54 PM on February 6

If I were in this situation I think I would straight up tell him to get over it.
posted by bq at 5:56 PM on February 6 [4 favorites]

"Yes, I've chatted with my sister. No, I'm not going to discuss our conversation with you. So, how was your day?"
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 5:57 PM on February 6 [8 favorites]

They've never even met?

It's none of his business what her hobbies are.

I don't think you necessarily have to shut him down every time he brings it up -- if you're no fan either, sometimes it can be worthwhile to have a quick vent session. But then you move on.

My brother in law, who I'm no fan of in general and whom I see only once or twice a year, is into a lot of problematic stuff (in his case, careeerwise, but still). Every once in a while I'll indulge in some venting about how annoying he is, how sketchy his job is, how this is all bad bad bad. Usually with a family member who feels the same way (which may not be possible for him?). But it's none of my business, really, and there's nothing I can do to change him or change my sister's relationship with him.

In terms of getting him to see that your sister is "more than just this one thing", I think that's probably going to have to wait till they meet. Right now all he knows is that your sister is a drama queen who never visits, and she's active in the Tea Party or trims down the ears of doberman puppies or whatever the issue is. Without them meeting, that's all she'll ever be to him.

(P.S. in my experience, you should probably start bracing yourself for them not to get along when they do eventually meet.)
posted by Sara C. at 6:02 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

Neither of you have the slightest say in what your sister does with her time. None! She's not committing a crime, so leave her alone! Why is this so hard for people to grasp?

The problem is not with your sister it is with both of you. She's doing nothing wrong, she's not doing her hobby to spite you, she's doing it because he likes it. It clearly bothers you that people get to make choices you disagree with but so far that's still permitted in this country.

Get. Over. It.
posted by trinity8-director at 6:08 PM on February 6 [5 favorites]

I would tell him (kindly) that he is fixating on this, and dragging you into this fixation against your will, and he needs to switch focus. Sister's problem is an Important Issue, yes, you are not his opponent, but his approaching things like this is hurting his cause and his marriage. Any further talking about sister could be stopped and openly described as "avoiding the subject", because sister's problem is not your problem, but husband dragging you into his fixation is your problem. If he's like me, he won't like that, but the point will slowly, eventually, be taken.
posted by anonymisc at 6:09 PM on February 6

If his ranting was along the lines of "We need to do something; she's going to hurt herself (or somebody else)." that would be one thing. But if all he's saying is how much he dislikes it, how much it bothers him, then I don't see how he's being other than self-centered, and causing you distress along the way.
posted by benito.strauss at 6:10 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

you said it yourself, and that's probably what you should say to him: she's a grown adult.

presuming that she's in control of all her faculties, and what she's doing is neither illegal or injuring others outright, then it's really none of his business, especially if they've never met. if his major concern is that she will somehow attempt to get you into this apparently deplorable hobby, then that is a conversation for the two of you to have together. but it's your sister's deal, and he is neither her parent or her spouse.

if he has occasion to have a conversation with her and he can't remain civil with her within it, then perhaps you should either keep them from speaking for a while or discuss which topics he needs to stay off with her. otherwise, it's really none of his business what she does in her free time.
posted by koroshiya at 6:19 PM on February 6

If it were my boyfriend, I'd turn it around... because I don't think he's repulsed as he'd like to think he is.
Him: So you talked to your sister today?
You: Yep, it was great to catch up.
Him: What did you talk about?
You: Oh, you know, Grandma, James, her new job.
Him: Did you talk about her "hobby"?
You. Not really. Though she did mention she met a nice guy at "hobby" get-together.
Him: I think it's disgusting that she's into that "hobby". How could anyone with a shred of self-respect do that?
You: (smiling) I think you doth protest too much! I think you'd love to have a go at "hobby" but you are just embarrassed. Go on, admit it! Admit it! (accompanied by tickling).

Because really, being disgusted by something is one thing. Being disgusted by something that you repeatedly bring up in conversation? That's like a fetish.
posted by Kerasia at 6:19 PM on February 6 [12 favorites]

I assume this is something legal that is harmful to others, like running a puppy mill. I don't think that you get to decide that he has to associate with someone who does something immoral in his view. But you should be clear that he has the right to decide who he will associate with, but not who you associate with, and not to expect you to hide that.
posted by grouse at 6:22 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

if his major concern is that she will somehow attempt to get you into this apparently deplorable hobby, then that is a conversation for the two of you to have together.

Yeah, that's what seems like the issue here. It sounds like he's stating his objections in advance in case you ever show any iota of interest in Hobby.
posted by holgate at 6:29 PM on February 6

In terms of what you say to your husband, it matters if the hobby hurts others or the environment, or if this a consenting adult type thing.

If no people, plants, or animal are being harmed, you both need to stop talking about it and get over it, as trinity8-director commented.

If there is provable harm* involved, I think the person you need to talk to is your sister. If the hobby harms her, others, or the environment, but she still won't give up the hobby, then she is the one who needs to stop talking about her activities.

I don't see a middle ground. Either you two drop the subject, or she does.



*loss of social standing because others might disapprove of the activity and will judge your sister negatively doesn't count as the "harm" I am referring to.
posted by jbenben at 6:30 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

It is possible that he is in part picking up on your own distaste of this hobby if you have ever mentioned it to him, and may not realize how much it bothers you for him to say negative things about your sister.

I have a relative with some negative habits that I occassionally rail against and even call names to my husband -- but when he started calling this relative those names, it bothered me! I had to tell him that I know so and so is a such and such, but only I could say those things because I was the relation, and I needed him to stop doing that. He understood, and pulled back on the negatives.

It would be a good idea to have this conversation, as others have mentioned too, that his attitude and responses towards your sister are creating friction between the two of you, and he needs to cool it. Use an example in is own life if you can.
posted by batikrose at 6:36 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

There's too much grey area here.

On one end of the spectrum, lets say (for example) she provides "Homeopathic Consulting" to other adults. Sure, I would take offense; but it involves two consenting adults engaging in consensual behavior. In that case, I agree with the others, find a way to tell him to move on about it.

Deeper in the grey area is something like breeding a "designer dog" for profit (like a "Puggle"). If my SO's sister was doing that, I would have a pretty hard time not speaking my mind. Asking her if I can provide her informational resources to share with her sister, etc. It might come across as me being argumentative just because it is something I'm passionate about and would want to help aid the situation as best I could.

Further down darker into the grey area is a gambling (lottery or casino games) hobby that could take a turn for the worse. Something like that could end up affecting your family. Your SO might just be trying to alert you and trying to encourage you to help her before it becomes a problem.

So, one is that she runs a palm reading service from her home. Tell him to get over it. But there are plenty of other completely legal activities that are immoral or could end up effecting the family if left untreated. In any of the latter cases, I wouldn't want to dismiss any open dialogue your SO wants to have about it (unless it is unnecessarily combative).
posted by jms18 at 6:40 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

Look, your husband clearly can't do what you want him to - to lay off your sister's hobby. So stop trying to change his behavior. Stop sharing any information about your sister, hobby or otherwise, and stop answering his questions about her. Any topic on your sister's hobby ends the conversation. At the very least the hobby is of limits, and if he can't control his behavior then your sister is as well.

Don't give oxygen to fuel this fire. You don't get to share good stuff about your sister with him. I'm sorry, but you will have to celebrate her good stuff with others. For whatever reason this just gets to him, and talking about her at all seems charged. It's not fair, but there it is.
posted by anitanita at 6:41 PM on February 6

I can't think of something legal that could bother a reasonable person so much, but up until 5 years ago, cock-fighting was legal in Louisiana. I personally could still interact with someone doing something that awful without being too upset, even while advocating for the criminalization of the activity. But if it's something that ugly that just happens not to be illegal yet, I would also not judge someone too harshly for being horrified and pressing for some ostracism.

That said, I think it's far more likely your husband needs to understand your feelings and obligations, support your choices, and learn to view people--especially people making mistakes--more tolerantly and less judgmentally. He does not sound very practiced at modeling differences in points of view or developing sympathy for people doing unfamiliar/unlikable things. You might look for anthropological studies of this hobby to better explain it to your husband--Google for 'ethnography' and whatever the hobby is; try Google Scholar as well--because a key point of anthropological ethics involves trying to develop the kind of sympathy and understanding for others that your husband could really use (this very famously includes cock-fighting).
posted by Monsieur Caution at 6:42 PM on February 6

I agree that what your sister does with her time is not your business or his, because it isn't an illegal activity.

Is it possible that your husband keeps asking about the hobby in order to test your loyalty - if you defend her you are not loyal to him? If so, it is quite unfair of him, because the unspoken message is - "if you really loved me best, you'd disapprove of her hobby like I do."
So reassure him your love for/acceptance of your sister and her hobbies doesn't mean you love him any less. But also keep an eye out for this tendency (if he has it) to pit himself against her.
posted by EatMyHat at 7:04 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

I think this is one of those times where you gotta get bossy with your partner. "Alright, enough. This has gone on for far too long. I understand that my sister's hobby bothers you. You have elaborated on it ad nauseum and I have heard and recognized your views on the matter tenfold. Now it's your turn to do some listening and some recognizing too. My sister is my sister. I love her, and nothing is going to change that, and you trying to sabotage that relationship by picking fights with me anytime I tall to her is absolutely categorically inappropriate, rude, and misery-inducing. I love you and I married you because of it, so if you're trying to test me to see if we are on thr same side about the things that are important to you, you are going about it in the wrong way. From now on, you're going to stop picking fights with me about this, and you are not to bring up your thoughts about her hobby in conversations with me, my family, or her. If she ever visits, I expect you to treat her as you treat me: with love, kindness, and respect. If you try to engage me in conversation about this again, I wil leave the room. I am miserable with you picking on me for loving and talking to my family and I am done with your fixation on this."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:06 PM on February 6 [11 favorites]

Agreeing with Kerasia here. If he can't leave the subject alone, there's something deeper going on.

Maybe he wants to see how far your family loyalty goes over loyalty to him, maybe your reaction to his ranting is pleasing to him in some manner, maybe he likes this particular fight . . . it's hard to know.

If you really do "have a policy of being open and not keeping stuff from each other" maybe you need to explain concepts like: "beating a dead horse" and "it's okay when other adults like things you don't like" and "I am not my sister's keeper" and "Thou art beginning to protest too much again" and "I already know how you feel about this" and once you've had the talk about this, use these phrases on signs to remind him that he's beating a dead horse, she's not doing anything illegal, neither one of you is her keeper and you've heard it all from him before.
posted by jaimystery at 7:11 PM on February 6 [7 favorites]

obviously your husband is really bothered by whatever this hobby is. since he can't control what your sister does he is trying to control you a little by questioning your interactions with her and her activities. i think you need to tell him you are uncomfortable with this and that he needs to back off some, that you understand and even agree that this hobby is offensive, but that she is your sister, you love her, she isn't perfect but you are not going to abandon your relationship with her.

having said all that, if you find this hobby offensive as well maybe it would be a good idea to have a frank talk with your sister about her participation in this hobby. even if it's legal if people or animals or God forbid children are being hurt by this hobby then it would be good to speak up about it.
posted by wildflower at 7:16 PM on February 6

If it is something such as cockfighting or puppy mills, perhaps you could encourage him to join a local lobby group or campaign against such activities.

If he's really serious about his opposition to this mystery hobby, you could point out to him that organised action against it would likely be far more effective than badgering you about your sister.
posted by RubyScarlet at 7:22 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

If after giving it one last go of trying to insist he get over it, and it doesn't work, I think it needs to be recognized that the friction in values between the two of you is real. Basically, he might find the hobby abhorrent enough to cut family off while you are not as horrified by it to get to that stage. That indicates a fundamental difference in values.
posted by waterandrock at 7:28 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

You see, I actually think the "interest" is sort of important. Or at least wish you'd clarify.... interest/hobby sounds so innocuous and none of his business and he needs to understand your relationship with your sister is not negotiable and he has to shut up.

But..... if your sister's activity was protesting with the Westboro Baptists or harassing women approaching pre-term clinics for terminations.... well, I'd be on his side in hoping you'd tell your sister that while she does something unconscionable, you'd need radio silence.

I would be uncomfortable with my spouse tacitly saying to his sibling that that behaviour was ok.... or ok enough to keep relations as usual.... so I really am saying that hobby/interest needs more info.

But if it's not harming any other human being and is legal, he needs to shut up forever. If it involves distress to another human being.... I'm on his side, regardless of legalities. Lots of shit is legal in America that is not legal in my country. (And I'm very happy about that.)
posted by taff at 7:40 PM on February 6 [10 favorites]

State your boundary clearly (no talking about X, or at minimum, doing so on terms you accept)
Have consequences when hubby violates boundaries (going to do something else, etc)
enforce said consequences every time.

Maybe a short talk about how you love them both, don;t support weird hobby, but enough is enough and talking about it constantly will just get him in trouble
posted by Jacen at 8:17 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

I agree with taff and disagree with others who have said that the "hobby" is irrelevant. I think it's entirely relevant because the whole question is how reasonable your spouse's extreme discomfort and objections are to this activity. I have no idea what the hobby is and won't speculate but we can all imagine activities for which the correct advice is to tell your spouse to get over it. However, I can certainly imagine activities for which the correct advice would be that your spouse's objections are entirely reasonable and when you agreed to get married part of that agreement is to respect your spouse's reasonable objections over even your relationship with your sister. Your primary family unit is your spouse.

But that hinges on what we're actually talking about. If it were collecting beanie babies, well, your spouse is being weird and controlling and needs to STFU. If it were doing crush porn on puppies, you need to back your spouse all the way. See? We can't know what the proper response is without knowing more information.
posted by Justinian at 8:21 PM on February 6 [5 favorites]

When you have this conversation, I think you need to make him understand what his behavior looks like from the other side.

"I know you don't approve of my sister's hobby, you've made it very clear. But I want you to consider that YOU have qualities that my sister might also disapprove of. How would you feel if she constantly hectored me about the things she didn't like about you? But she doesn't, because she loves me, and YOUR quirks won't change HER love for ME. Because that's the way love is supposed to work."
posted by raisingsand at 8:40 PM on February 6

Part of growing up involves realising that people are entitled to their own hobbies and passion. Part of marrying someone involves understanding that their love for their family is not something you should come between. If the hobby is not illegal, and does not hurt others, then he needs to lay off. It's none of his business.
posted by shazzam! at 8:50 PM on February 6

"Dear, what is it you are hoping to get out of this discussion?"

Hopefully, he'll realize that there is nothing to be gained by haranguing you about your sister. You might also tell him that he's preached so much to this particular choir that this choir is about to hit the road. Just tell him that you don't want to discuss your sister or her life with him. Keep repeating that calmly and firmly until it sticks. You might also point out that his agitation is driving a wedge into your relationship and he might consider whether that's worth it.
posted by amanda at 9:09 PM on February 6 [14 favorites]

What your sister does with her life is your sister's business, and nobody else's. Not yours, and certainly not your partner's.

If you want to share the good stuff about your sister with him, then do that. Just refuse the engage if he goes off about the face that she does X. He's totally entitled to have an opinion about it. He's even entitled to express that opinion. But he also needs to realise that it's getting a little old to keep going off about it and I don't think it's too far a stretch to think that maybe it's offensive to someone to criticise their close relatives.

Your husband needs to deal. He's getting WAY too invested in this.

I think you need to have a conversation with him where you outline how this is bothering you. He's your husband, he should be caring about stuff he's doing that's upsetting you. Calmly and rationally explain to him that you just don't want to hear his rants any more and that you're not going to turn against your sister, even though it sort of appears that he wants you to. The next time he starts in on how X will cause the apocalypse, tell him that you've already said you don't want to hear it and that his choices are to shut up about it, or you will leave the room/take a walk/etc. If he respects you, he'll stop going on about how terrible this activity is. After that, if he goes off about X, follow through on your rule about leaving the room.
posted by Solomon at 11:41 PM on February 6

"Dude, I am not going to discuss my sister with you anymore. I'm sick of you picking on me and arguing about it. The topic is off limits."
Then stick to it. The more you explain, psychologise his reaction, the more the drama will be drawn out.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:03 AM on February 7

I feel like it turns into a fight with ME sometimes, and I didn't do anything wrong!

I feel like he's being wildly possessive and jealous here - he's jealous that you love her, that you've been through stuff together, that even her weird hobby (whatever it is) isn't enough for you to consider breaking ties with her. Do you have any other issues in your relationship? Perhaps he's feeling insecure and this is the only concrete thing he can argue with you about which is why he keeps going back to it.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:09 AM on February 7

I do think the nature of The Thing is somewhat relevant, although I understand your decision not to share it, OP. His reasons for possibly being freaked out would be very different for a sex thing than for a pseudoscience thing, and different still for a thing that could be considered harmful to others. For example, if my partner's sister's "hobby" was protesting abortion clinics or dogfighting and my partner never said a word to her about it, I'd be really concerned that my partner didn't find these problematic enough to talk to their sister about.

Or maybe your partner thinks your sister's thing is bad in a fascinating ZOMGDRAMAZ!! way, and just really likes hearing about it?

If you don't think your sister's thing is harmful enough for you to openly disagree with her on, then there's not really anything more to discuss. I'd probably respond to my partner with something like "I don't know if she's still doing that thing. But she's still my sister, and I still love her, and that's not going to change." Or "that topic didn't come up, but she told me all about [interesting unoffensive thing]." Or "I get that you're grossed out by that thing, but it's her thing and not yours or mine." Or "Is there something you want me to do about it?" (If I was feeling snarky: "Do you want me to tell her you don't like her hobby?") I also really like amanda's response.

Either this is a thing that is so horribly offensive to him that he can't stand being associated with anyone who does it, or this is a thing he needs to drop.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:00 AM on February 7 [3 favorites]

Does your husband bring it up because he enjoys the gossipy part of the conversation? If so, could you steer the conversation onto other gossipy things, or other people who do the activity but who aren't related to you?
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:14 AM on February 7

But that hinges on what we're actually talking about. If it were collecting beanie babies, well, your spouse is being weird and controlling and needs to STFU. If it were doing crush porn on puppies, you need to back your spouse all the way. See?

It's something legal that is offensive to some people (not to society as a whole). I think this is more like having extreme religious or political differences in the family. It can create a weird fascination and become a topic of conversation because your SO will want to know, so, are they really still a scientologist/ do they really still think Rush Limbaugh is right/ just because it can be so hard to understand. It doesn't mean there's a need to try to change your sister, or that your husband is secretly interested in the hobby. It is just a processing issue.

We had someone in my family who went extreme in one of those ways and for a good year or two it was all we talked about when her name came up. We did get over it eventually, but your spouse may just have had less time to adjust to such a cultural difference. He just can't believe she actually does that! That she likes it! That she thinks it's okay... and he hasn't been able to get over it yet. Before this, people who did that were just stereotypes and now it's someone related to him.

If you haven't made it clear to him, he may not realize how much it bothers you to talk about it. Some people enjoy bitching about their family members' weird / alienating preferences. If his attitude continues once you have made yourself completely clear, then you will have a different issue to deal with.
posted by mdn at 7:26 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Nthing that the "hobby" is irrelevant, and that it's none of your husband's business. One comment expressing his dislike of Hobby X to you is fine, but the fact that he keeps doing it is disturbing, not only because it's become an issue in your relationship, but also because judgmentalism is not an admirable trait, and may spell further relationship trouble down the line.
posted by eustacescrubb at 8:28 AM on February 7

From personal experience, my hunch is that your husband feels threatened by what he *perceives* as your tacit approval of your sister's hobby. Perhaps there is some part of his mind that is stuck in a loop thinking "if she's ok with ~that~, how can she like me?" Absolutely tell him how much his questions/reactions bother you, absolutely set boundaries -- but maybe also try to get to exactly what about this is 'threatening' to him, and see if you can offer reassurances about that.
posted by MeiraV at 8:40 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

When you make up your decision boxes, you do have to take the nature of her hobby into account. If it's in the nature of collecting war paraphenalia or pictures of car wrecks, meh, tell SO to quit bringing it to you for discussion.

If it's puppy-crushing porn, then tell SO that you are behind him 100 percent, that it's disgusting and your sister won't cross your threshold while she continues this activity. This won't stop you (of course) from meeting her for coffee when the occasion arises, but your SO won't be required to go with you.

Either way, though, he should stop visiting her website, but that's up to him. You can ask him to quit running your sister down: he's made his point. If he won't do that, then it seems to me that this issue is tangental, and maybe the relationship needs to be discussed from a different perspective.

If she's the drama queen you described, I can understand how he might not want to get pulled into her gravity well. Either way this shakes out, he may need, and deserve, a clear statement of how you feel about your sister, her hobby, and your relationship to it. Seems like you've already done most of that.

Touchy stuff, relationships. This seems to be a threeway struggle, in which your sister is an unwilling accomplice. Even though she's family, you are an observer, not a participant, in her life. Seems like your SO wants to make sure of that status. Ideally he can muster up enough confidence in the relationship to distinguish between you and your sister. Two years may seem like a long time, but people are complicated and subtle, and often it's the obvious things about them that take a long time to internalize.

My feeling is that SO deserves the benefit of the doubt, but he's using up his slack. This is where you both have a meeting of the minds.
posted by mule98J at 9:23 AM on February 7

On a level that is probably less than entirely conscious, he is using you as a stand-in for all the arguments he wants to have with your sister. This is most likely because he just plain doesn't like her. What tipped me off was:

He has never met my older sister because she lives in another state and for various reasons does not come home to visit. He has seen her on webcam and heard stories, and he can for the most part deal with her somewhat drama-filled life, but he recently told me he feels conflicted about a hobby she has.

There seem to be a lot of small tells here: "For various reasons" she doesn't come home, you've been together for two years and he's never met her, he can "for the most part" deal with her "somewhat drama-filled life." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm getting the sense there are some things being left out here.

It sounds like he spends a lot of time holding his tongue about your sister and this was probably the tipping point for him. When he brings up her hobby, your best bet is to say, "Yeah, I don't like it either, and honestly I don't really want to talk about it, it makes me sad." Repeat until it gets through to him.

I do think the hobby matters, though, and here's why: If it's something that is actually hurting other people, especially if it's hurting other people a lot, I'd be inclined to say your spouse may be handling admirably, depending; but if it's not hurting anyone and it's, like, she likes to play video games or discuss atheism and your spouse can't handle that, my advice would be very different.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:45 AM on February 7 [8 favorites]

I agree with FAMOUS MONSTER. My boyfriend's parents treated him awfully for a long time (... you might say it was like a hobby) and it reached a point where he couldn't even mention them without me starting to argue with him as a surrogate. What fixed the situation was when he started reinforcing better boundaries (to stop them from treating him horribly) and I no longer felt like there was a wildly inappropriate situation threatening our relationship (because it affected both of us!) on a daily basis.

So when you say your sister is kind of a drama-rama, does she ever take that drama out on you? Does it affect you a lot emotionally? Are your boundaries with your sister kind of loose-ish in a way that might affect him, or make him feel like he's not sure who you are?

Obviously she's your sister and you're not going to crucify her every time she does something you don't approve of, but maybe he interprets your behavior as too indulgent or wishy-washy, or just doesn't like that it seems like your family ties are stronger than your ties to him. Not saying he's necessarily correct, but it might be worth talking about-- why he directs his anger toward your sister onto you, and why he feels that your relationship with her is threatening to him.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:03 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

I also have to agree with FAMOUS MONSTER in that the hobby really does matter. Not that you have to share it here, but the more "unacceptable" the hobby, the more he might feel threatened that you're letting it play out without any dissent. (It is possible to show dissent while not being outright disrespectful.)
posted by stoneandstar at 10:06 AM on February 7

But whatever the hobby is, if he can't communicate effectively what he wants the OP to do about his feelings about the hobby, then that's a problem. If he's turning the OP into a proxy for the sister so that he can have a fight about it, that's not effective or okay. If he wants reassurance that the OP doesn't like the hobby either and feels sad her sister does that hobby, then there are ways to ask for that reassurance that don't involve ranting to the OP about how much he hates the hobby (OP clearly already knows this).

So, OP, in addition to setting boundaries around the way your husband communicates with you about his feelings about the hobby, I think you should also ask him (at a time when you are both calm, and you haven't just gotten off the phone with her) what it is exactly he wants you to do about your sister and the hobby. He may not know, exactly - he may well recognize that it's probably not a good idea to ask you to stop talking to your sister, and he probably knows that there's not anything you can realistically do to make your adult sister stop doing a legal thing she likes doing. But he needs to articulate what he wants, and if there's anything you can do about what he wants.
posted by rtha at 10:29 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

A lot of people in my family can be difficult. There are so many of them, someone is bound to do something on a regular basis to make someone else uncomfortable. They often do some things that I know makes my SO a little uncomfortable- but my SO never trash talks or rants about any of my family's behavior.

It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree. tell him it's off-limits unless he can tone it down a little. One hobby is not the end-all, be-all of someone's personality and doesn't define how your relationship must be.

Figure out where the line is for you, and stick to it.
posted by Blisterlips at 10:58 AM on February 7