How can I thank parents for doing a fantastic job?

February 6, 2013 8:23 AM

How can I (should I?) thank parents for doing a fantastic job?

I'm a teacher. In my role, I come across all types of parents.

However, there are just some parents that are doing a darn good job of raising their kids (in my opinion and relative to other parents I encounter).

For instance, I have one student whose parent encourages him to be polite, gives him chores, and administers consequences when he does not meet expectations. As a result, this child is extremely polite (asking if he can carry things for me, etc) and responsible.

I have another student who lost his father - his grandmother is his caregiver now. She seems overwhelmed with the responsibility, but constantly puts his well-being first (seeking counseling for him, etc.)

I feel a little silly asking this, but I would love to recognize these parents in a private way. In a quick email, a letter, etc. Something along the lines of "Keep it up - your kid is awesome!"

However, as I do not have kids of my own, I'm not sure this would be a welcome gesture. Any suggestions on whether this is a good idea and/or how to phrase it would be welcome.

posted by brynna to human relations (18 answers total)

I can think of little that would please me more than to receive such a communication.
posted by bq at 8:25 AM on February 6 [11 favorites]

Parenting is very subjective -- for example, your first story made me cringe a bit, thinking it is quite possible that the kid has zero internal motivations to be polite; in my view that sort of thing is best modeled rather than forced -- and you are (again, subjectively, dependent on the observer) in a position frequently perceived to be one of authority -- I can't see a good 'on the record' way to commend parenting.

Your kid is awesome is a different thing, though.
posted by kmennie at 8:32 AM on February 6 [3 favorites]

To clarify, the kids are not generally awesome, but the parents are awesome for their effort, which is not something I see every day (unfortunately).
posted by brynna at 8:36 AM on February 6

One thing I wish I did more of as a teacher was to call home and talk to parents when the kids were doing well.

Also, imagine how much it will mean to the kid that you went out of your way to tell their parents how great they were.

Don't really mention their parenting, but tell them how much you enjoy the outcome!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:36 AM on February 6 [1 favorite]

I'd rather hear an honest assessment of my child's behavior. "Your daughter exhibits good manners and applies herself to difficult classroom situations" means a lot more to me than "You're doing a great job raising your daughter".
posted by disconnect at 8:36 AM on February 6 [25 favorites]

As a fellow teacher, I want to offer one cautionary tale: I had a student last year who was impossibly sweet and helpful and polite and seemed to live for being a good student. When parent/teacher conferences rolled around, it was her parents that I most looked forward to meeting because I figured she was a representation of their hard work and kindness. Instead I met with two of the most anal-retentive, emotionally and verbally abusive people I've ever encountered, and after seeing them interact with their daughter I realized she was obedient because she lived in constant fear of losing her parents' obviously conditional "love". I had prepared to tell them exactly what you want to tell your students' parents, but decided instead to focus on the kid and how wonderful she innately was, rather than commend their actions as parents.

Telling a parent that their child is wonderful and a good person and is a better way to compliment their parenting without going overboard and making it about their actions as parents. You don't know everything they do behind the scenes. They may not actually be the ones taking care of their kid, after all. Focus on what you see from the kid instead and use that to pay your compliments.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:40 AM on February 6 [39 favorites]

Honestly, I would thank the kid for being who they are - you don't know the kid's real life or whether or not they are this way because of or in spite of their home situation.

Plus, reinforcing the kind of behaviour that you like is a great way of being able to continue to see that behaviour. Kids have agency and reminding them that they are a product of the choices they make will help them to continue to make good choices.
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 8:43 AM on February 6 [9 favorites]

As someone who is currently overwhelmed with some of the stuff my kids have got going on, I actually CRIED when a preschool teacher told me, "You are doing a great job, this is a really challenging thing, and I can tell how much you're doing for him and how hard you're working as a parent."

It has always been a good thing when someone tells me, "You're a good parent," or "This [child/parenting thing] is obviously challenging and you're doing a great job with it." Parents don't get to hear that very often, and having other adults affirm that you're doing the best you can for your kid is really powerfully supportive. The world spends a lot of time telling you, "You're not a good enough parent, you're screwing up, you should do more." Having someone say you ARE doing something right is fantastic.

It is also great when someone says, "Your kids are so polite/well-behaved/funny/cute/smart/energetic/good eaters/whatever," but that's a different thing. It's really great to, now and then, hear that I am a good parent.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:51 AM on February 6 [13 favorites]

I received just such an email from my child's teacher earlier this week! She talked about my son's attitude toward learning, his interactions with other kids, his confidence and his sense of humour. Then she complimented our parenting skills. I have no idea whether she has kids of her own or not, and it doesn't matter to me. It was just nice to unexpectedly hear that our son was the same great kid out there in the world that we hoped he was.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:56 AM on February 6 [2 favorites]

I came in here to say what These Birds of a Feather said, but from the perspective of such a child. Not all are achieving such great classroom behaviour out of love and attentive parenting. For some, it is a retreat where they give their best because they are safe, and for others it is out of sheer terror. I would be wary of reinforcing the well-hidden abuser.

But effusive praise for how well the child is doing, what a pleasure they are in class, how creative/sensible/inquisitive they are can never go amiss. And any parent (speaking as one) would be grateful to have that observation made about their child.
posted by batmonkey at 9:02 AM on February 6

I spent 25 years working with at-risk kids in an alternative education program. Usually kids who came to us due to behavioral problems. During the final few years of my career we had two sisters, a year apart in age, referred to us. They had burned ALL the bridges in the districts traditional schools, and their single parent mom was a terror. Mentioning her name to any teacher or administrator would cause a cringe. For a year we battled, and that was my mistake and fault, we battled to the point that the police were called to our building, once by myself, and once, interestingly enough, by her.

Eventually the light went on for me, before I was going to make a change in the lives of the two daughters, I had to connect with the mom no matter how difficult she was, no matter how adversarial . I started calling on a regular basis, just to check in, and when she came to the school, I made a point of talking to her.

Last year one of the girls was still taking two classes over at the High School, classes we didn't offer but she needed them for graduation, and there were problems. At some point, while mom and the daughter were in my office, there was a need to call the principal at the high school. It became a shouting match between mom and the principal and got pretty nasty and threatening. Eventually I took the phone and ended the call.

Mom had done a terrible job in every respect... but, I reached across the desk, took her hand (in 25 years, probably the only time, other than a polite handshake, I had ever made some sort of physical contact with a parent) which was shaking in anger, held it, and said "Sue, you are a ferocious advocate for your daughter, but you're doing it all wrong.", and we talked about her strengths and her weaknesses in how she deals with schools and administrators.

That conversation changed everything in terms of my relationship and my ability to communicate with her, and as a result, OUR ability to impact in a positive way on her daughter's sometimes mismanaged attempts to finish school.

I think my point here is to encourage you to communicate with parents honestly, not with just the kids who are doing well, but, perhaps, more importantly, find reasons and ways to encourage the parents who are struggling as well.

How to do it? In the manner that best suits the parents style and comfort level, in person, e/mail, phone calls, it's going to vary from parent to parent.

Good for you, for being a teacher, for caring about kids, and for being willing to go the extra mile.
posted by HuronBob at 9:08 AM on February 6 [26 favorites]

As a parent of children who regularly get a ton of praise from their teachers, I think I'd find a teacher's commenting on my parenting to be presumptuous and weird, even if it was complimentary. Comments about my kid are always welcome, though.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:29 AM on February 6 [2 favorites]

The two situations you describe are very different. The first raised alarm bells for me as well - not even necessarily for something as dramatic as emotional abuse, but because children who are extremely polite and helpful are sometimes being encouraged, however well-meaningly, not to think about their own needs. This looks great at 8, but at 18 or 28 the child may have emotional difficulties that just aren't visible now. Now, this may not be the case, but it's going to be hard for you to assess with the information ahead of you. Suppose there's a 20% chance it's correct. Would you be comfortable telling the parents they were doing a great job? I would err on the side of praising the child, since what's impressing you here is the result - the child's behaviour.

The second situation is different: all the stuff you said was about the grandmother's situation and things she is doing. Here I think it's appropriate to praise the grandmother, for doing a great job in a bad situation. And specifically mention the things she did that made you believe this.
posted by Acheman at 9:46 AM on February 6 [1 favorite]

When you issue the compliments, especially if it's focused on the child him/herself, be sure to do it in front of the child so s/he can hear it as well.
posted by DrGail at 10:39 AM on February 6

So my mom recently sent me an "award" my parents got in 7th grade. We both thought it was kind of silly but I guess some teachers do it.
posted by bananafish at 10:43 AM on February 6

HuronBob, I wish somebody at any of my son's schools had ever helped me be a good advocate for him. Sadly, I got the most progress when I was a Holy Terror, though certainly never at that level.

Anyway, as a teacher, I'll bet you love it when a parent says "You're doing a terrific job at teaching Chris Some-Subject; thanks." As a parent, I loved it when teachers complimented me on my son's manners (he could, and still can, say "No Fucking Way" in very polite, respectful terms) and noted his strengths. So just say "Lee is very polite and helpful; I'm sure she learned that at home. It's a great example for other children, as well." or "It sounds like you have your hands full, but I can see how well you see to Terry's needs."

As a parent, what I appreciated most was when a teacher listened. I know my child, and I know how things go, but many teachers ignored me until the end of the term, when it was a crisis. My son's schools paid lip service to parent involvement, but did not engage parents in a meaningful way. Thank you for your attention to the families of your students.
posted by theora55 at 11:07 AM on February 6 [1 favorite]

Although I love to hear nice things about my child, I really think it's mostly on her. I try to model politeness, kindness, all the things that I feel are important, and it seems to be working because I think she's awesome. But I don't really feel like I want to take credit for who she is, or want any particular compliment for being the parent I naturally am. I'd rather people acknowledge these things directly to her.
posted by upatree at 11:32 AM on February 6

I raised a child with severe behavioral problems and learning disabilities, and over the years I had countless painful, unhelpful conferences with teachers who assumed that had I only parented him correctly, things would have been different. ("Administering consequences" was often suggested, as if it were a novel idea that I had obviously never tried.) I went on FMLA so that I could leave work when necessary to take him to appointments, work with him and tutor him, and pick him up from school when he melted down. I sure could have used some kind words and support from his teachers, but I suspect I wouldn't have been on your "you go girl, your kid is awesome!" list. So no, I don't think it's a good idea. I think your premises are flawed.
posted by Wordwoman at 6:44 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]