Are there pitfalls to premature domesticity?
February 5, 2013 12:14 PM Subscribe
After a long period of not dating -- partly volitional, partly circumstantial -- I met somebody I really like and who really likes me (yay!) and we've been seeing each other for a couple of months. It's going really well. Although we have been on a few traditional dates -- live music and movies and dinners out -- we have the best time hanging out at each other's places, cooking dinner together, reading together, playing board games, and watching movies at home. Is this a problem? We are still getting to know each other. Are there good reasons to avoid what looks an awful lot like domesticity in the early stages of a relationship?
Well, five years later, we're married, so I can't think any good reason to avoid it as long as you are both happy.
posted by florencetnoa at 12:19 PM on February 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by florencetnoa at 12:19 PM on February 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
What were you doing when you were not dating? What would you be doing if you were not dating?
Are you missing out on doing things you actually want to be doing, or do you just feel like you *should* be doing something else?
posted by mskyle at 12:21 PM on February 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
Are you missing out on doing things you actually want to be doing, or do you just feel like you *should* be doing something else?
posted by mskyle at 12:21 PM on February 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't think you really should overthink happiness. Just don't fall into roles before you fall into feelings. Which is to say that you start "playing house" before like has turned to love. Those things are built into some of us and we'll start modeling them when the opportunity arises. It has the unwelcome side-effect of rushing things and moving them to a place they otherwise wouldn't be.
Do remember to make time for yourself. Go back to your house on occasion. But in the end, if it feels good and no one is getting hurt, enjoy the ride.
posted by inturnaround at 12:21 PM on February 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
Do remember to make time for yourself. Go back to your house on occasion. But in the end, if it feels good and no one is getting hurt, enjoy the ride.
posted by inturnaround at 12:21 PM on February 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
The only pitfall I can see is if you're neglecting spending time with friends. I have fallen into the trap of cocooning myself with an Exciting New Boy and then looking up and realizing I haven't had dinner with friends in a month and a half.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:25 PM on February 5, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:25 PM on February 5, 2013 [9 favorites]
That's what I did. We are both introverts who like to save money, and that works best for us.
posted by ethidda at 12:26 PM on February 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ethidda at 12:26 PM on February 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
According to an interview I read, Jennifer Anniston's second date with Brad Pitt consisted of him showing up at her place with takeout burritos and the two of them sat around on her couch and watched DVDs. True, that relationship eventually ended, but it lasted a good long while, and if it's good enough for famous Hollywood-type people, I say it's good enough for the rest of us.
Whatever makes y'all happy is the important thing. Have fun.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:27 PM on February 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Whatever makes y'all happy is the important thing. Have fun.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:27 PM on February 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Are there good reasons to avoid what looks an awful lot like domesticity in the early stages of a relationship?
Not if you're happy with what looks an awful lot like domesticity in the early stages of a relationship?
posted by craven_morhead at 12:30 PM on February 5, 2013
Not if you're happy with what looks an awful lot like domesticity in the early stages of a relationship?
posted by craven_morhead at 12:30 PM on February 5, 2013
I try not to worry too much about "should". If it works for you, then YAY!
Would it be any weirder if you both loved to dance and were out in clubs all night long? (That sounds like a nightmare to me!) Or both loved to dine out and were in restaurants? Or loved movies and were at the cinema for every opening? Nope.
Remember your other friends, perhaps invite over other couples or singles just to hang too.
It's problematic if you're shutting everyone and everything out of your little world. But if that's just how you like to spend your dating time together, go for it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:32 PM on February 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Would it be any weirder if you both loved to dance and were out in clubs all night long? (That sounds like a nightmare to me!) Or both loved to dine out and were in restaurants? Or loved movies and were at the cinema for every opening? Nope.
Remember your other friends, perhaps invite over other couples or singles just to hang too.
It's problematic if you're shutting everyone and everything out of your little world. But if that's just how you like to spend your dating time together, go for it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:32 PM on February 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Staying in and making dinner is just another way to get to know each other. Enjoy, don't overthink.
posted by rtha at 12:50 PM on February 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by rtha at 12:50 PM on February 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'd say, just be sure you're enjoying the person for themselves, rather than just enjoying domesticity because you're looking for a long-term commitment involving domesticity.
Just a caution from someone with a tendency to jump into relationships because she likes relationships, not always because I'm wild about the person.
If you're sure it's about the person, not the setting, just settle in and be happy.
posted by kythuen at 1:12 PM on February 5, 2013 [9 favorites]
Just a caution from someone with a tendency to jump into relationships because she likes relationships, not always because I'm wild about the person.
If you're sure it's about the person, not the setting, just settle in and be happy.
posted by kythuen at 1:12 PM on February 5, 2013 [9 favorites]
I don't think so. That's what my husband and I did when we got together and it's been ten years now ;)
posted by bananafish at 1:55 PM on February 5, 2013
posted by bananafish at 1:55 PM on February 5, 2013
As long as you enjoy a) the person you are with and b) domesticity itself, there is no problem. I think there is a lot of pressure on people to be Out Having Fun Doing Stuff, especially if one lives in a big city. It's perfectly fine to be domestic. I myself am a homebody, largely because I am an introvert who hates crowds and noise.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:00 PM on February 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:00 PM on February 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Sounds like you're having a great time getting to know one another. One of the things to know about a person is when they need some private time--be willing to discuss this. Another is when your partner needs to spend time with friends or family--discuss this, too. Remember not to get into the rut of sitting on the couch--there's lots out there that is enjoyable to do with your partner, and it makes the down time at home even more special.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:21 PM on February 5, 2013
posted by BlueHorse at 3:21 PM on February 5, 2013
I am going to be the voice of dissent here. While there is nothing wrong with staying in per se, I think you are missing out on getting to know more about each other by not going out and experiencing each other in different situations and locations. How can you know how your partner deals with the wider world if you never see him in it? How can he know you, for good or ill?
Also, in my experience, outings are what memories are made of, and shared memories are a big part of intimate relationships. ("Remember the time we ...?") They are what make up your mutual story. The things I remember about my past relationships are almost entirely about things we went out and did together. Whatever else I may feel about my exes, I recall that this one was an outstanding traveling partner, and that one was always willing to try new things, and the other one had to keep to a very strict timetable for every phase of the outing. It was very revealing. Memories of evenings at home with them just seem to run together, all the same.
Is there some way for you to compromise? How about if you decide to go out and do something (anything - doesn't have to be a "date," could be a walk or an errand or anything really), for a few hours once a week, or once every other week? See how you work together when the situation is not so entirely in your control.
posted by caryatid at 3:55 PM on February 5, 2013 [11 favorites]
Also, in my experience, outings are what memories are made of, and shared memories are a big part of intimate relationships. ("Remember the time we ...?") They are what make up your mutual story. The things I remember about my past relationships are almost entirely about things we went out and did together. Whatever else I may feel about my exes, I recall that this one was an outstanding traveling partner, and that one was always willing to try new things, and the other one had to keep to a very strict timetable for every phase of the outing. It was very revealing. Memories of evenings at home with them just seem to run together, all the same.
Is there some way for you to compromise? How about if you decide to go out and do something (anything - doesn't have to be a "date," could be a walk or an errand or anything really), for a few hours once a week, or once every other week? See how you work together when the situation is not so entirely in your control.
posted by caryatid at 3:55 PM on February 5, 2013 [11 favorites]
Married for seven years in June, together for ten in April, but we lived together for twelve (including a stint with my ex, and a period of time where I was dating his best friend). We didn't really do the dating thing, even when we transitioned from housemates to partners (we already saw movies together, we already tried new places to eat together).
Domesticity doesn't mean unmemorable, or even predictable (hi, that time we did NYE at home and I made a bunch of awesome food, or that time a car ran into my stairwell!). It has to be about you both though - if you are staying at home to please one person eventually it will backfire. Even more so if the domesticity is leading to friend isolation.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:29 PM on February 5, 2013
Domesticity doesn't mean unmemorable, or even predictable (hi, that time we did NYE at home and I made a bunch of awesome food, or that time a car ran into my stairwell!). It has to be about you both though - if you are staying at home to please one person eventually it will backfire. Even more so if the domesticity is leading to friend isolation.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:29 PM on February 5, 2013
In my opinion, there is no issue with falling in to the more domestic/comfortable activities - enjoying doing the simple everyday things with a partner is important - but I agree with caryatid in regards to having activities and shared memories and good stories. That isn't to say you can't get good stories and experiences while at home or just out by yourselves, but they aren't always as exciting and memorable as the out and about with others stuff. And having MORE people that you share them with is usually better.
So say enjoy spending home time together, but maintain your friendships as well.
Personal story:
My fiance and I have a bit of a problem where we really REALLY enjoy each other's company. We can be quite happy spending every evening and weekend at home, by ourselves, cooking and playing boardgames and whatnot. Early in our relationship this ended up led to us sort of neglecting our friends because we were so pumped to just do simple things together. We weren't super aware of it until a good friend of ours joked about how lame we had become since we got in to a relationship with each other. He was right. We used to be the ones always setting up lunches or suggesting parties or gettogethers. Since our friend pointed it out we put way more effort in to doing social things with our friends. We aren't doing as much in a big group the way we used to, instead we're doing things more as couples (us and another couple going out for dinner and to see a show, having our friend and his wife come over for dinner, etc.). Our friends are happier because we're being fun again, and we're happy too. We still get the odd weekend to ourselves to play boardgames and cook, but it is much more like one in every 6 weeks now.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 3:50 AM on February 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
So say enjoy spending home time together, but maintain your friendships as well.
Personal story:
My fiance and I have a bit of a problem where we really REALLY enjoy each other's company. We can be quite happy spending every evening and weekend at home, by ourselves, cooking and playing boardgames and whatnot. Early in our relationship this ended up led to us sort of neglecting our friends because we were so pumped to just do simple things together. We weren't super aware of it until a good friend of ours joked about how lame we had become since we got in to a relationship with each other. He was right. We used to be the ones always setting up lunches or suggesting parties or gettogethers. Since our friend pointed it out we put way more effort in to doing social things with our friends. We aren't doing as much in a big group the way we used to, instead we're doing things more as couples (us and another couple going out for dinner and to see a show, having our friend and his wife come over for dinner, etc.). Our friends are happier because we're being fun again, and we're happy too. We still get the odd weekend to ourselves to play boardgames and cook, but it is much more like one in every 6 weeks now.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 3:50 AM on February 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I do think that Caryatid has a point that it is good to have shared experiences, but I want to add that these experiences don't have to be stereotypically "exciting" or "night-time go out for fun" experiences, especially if you are an introvert and not a night person (like me!). If you'd rather go out for breakfast than go out dancing, do so, and don't feel pressured to go out and do Fun Cool Extroverted Things if that's not you.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:14 AM on February 6, 2013
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:14 AM on February 6, 2013
This is definitely my favorite way to spend time with a partner. :) I've done this very early in relationships, too. But, it's good to be able to see how your partner interacts with other people—in a few cases, I've been surprised by the difference, and learned something about them. Also, like others have said, I think it's healthy to have a little socializing mixed in with the domestic dates.
posted by three_red_balloons at 5:33 PM on February 11, 2013
posted by three_red_balloons at 5:33 PM on February 11, 2013
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posted by xingcat at 12:18 PM on February 5, 2013 [16 favorites]