Should I do the next-day call after sex?

February 2, 2013 3:41 PM

My boyfriend and I went out with another couple last night. She and I ended up having sex. What do I do?

My boyfriend of two months and I went out with a couple he has long been friends with, but who are new-ish to me - we have hung out a few times. I am female, to be clear. My boyfriend and I are 40, the guy component of the other couple is 30-ish, and the woman is quite young compared to the rest of us - late 20's, I believe. She's a firecracker in terms of personality.

My BF told me she is always wanting to hook up/kiss girls, etc., which was unremarkable except it led to the conversation wherein I told him I'd never kissed a girl. Again, unremarkable; that trend began a few years shy of my college experience in the South and we are all conventional in a number of ways - professionals who wear suits to work in conservative industries - but who are more liberal outside of work.

We went over to their place and for some reason after having a few drinks began doing shots. Lots of shots. It was one of those awesomely fun evenings you can't plan and end up one of your best memories. We were all laughing and hugging each other and being stupid - you know those nights. She led the shot-brigade and kept wanting more when the rest of us were kind of chilling out. There was also some dope-smoking going on.

She and I ended up on one sofa giving each other massages. Let me note at this juncture that her boyfriend has said from the beginning to my BF that he wishes we would make out. Well, she and I ended up in the bedroom having sex. The guys tried to come in and watch (which I would not have minded) but she shooed them out. My memory is hazy and she was the drunkest of us all so I'm sure hers is, too. At some point my BF retrieved me and we slept in another bedroom and departed before she awoke, in that groggy, hungover fashion that you do. The boyfriend let us out and seemed fine.

I think I need to insert here that my BF thought it was cool and neither of us consider it cheating. He was turned on and we agree that the cultural narrative regarding this may be wrong, but we are both more than okay with my having sex with women. The other BF is a bit more aggressive about becoming involved as a threesome in the action, and mine backed him off. BF was thrilled for me that I had my first experience and very concerned that I not feel guilty or wrong.

My question is: should I call her and just be all, hey, thanks for having us over, hope you are okay, we had a great time.

Or is it better to blow it off? I've never even kissed a woman and I feel like a cougar on girls! But I care about how she feels, very much so. Not about me, but about what transpired.

It might be relevant that I have never had sex outside of a loving relationship, and CERTAINLY not under these circumstances, so I'm not sure if I should do the next-day call. If I were a dude who went out with a woman I would DEFINITELY call the next day after having sex. But we are both women with boyfriends.

Can anyone help me sort this out? Many thanks.

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 answers total)

I can't be much help but it doesn't sound like this was all a crazy happenstance accident. That would change the way I felt about it.
posted by Miko at 3:52 PM on February 2 [10 favorites]

I wouldn't call. It sounds to me that you're struggling with your own feelings about this and are projecting your feelings onto her.

My BF told me she is always wanting to hook up/kiss girls, etc.
So it sounds like this is something she does, she's okay with, and her boyfriend is apparently okay with. Stop worrying about her feelings and focus on your own. Are you okay with what happened? Did you like it? Would you want to do it again? The only reason I can see for calling her would be to start a polyamorous relationship with her.

And these things happen. I had a 3-way makeout session with someone who was a new friend and her FWB (with a lot of alcohol involved), and we didn't make a big deal out of it afterwards. It was kind of awkward the next time we hung out, but we're good friends now.
posted by Chaussette Fantoche at 4:03 PM on February 2 [2 favorites]

What do you want here? Do you want to be non-awkward with her when you see them again? Do you want to pretend it never happened? Do you want to do this again? That will all inform how you handle it. FWIW, I think it's possible she orchestrated this whole thing (I don't mean this in a creepy way, as much as I mean it in a "I would be surprised if she woke up and thought, 'WHAT HAVE I DONE?'" kind of way.)

I've never been in this situation, but I think if you're cool with it and you hope she's cool with it, and you guys are friends, and you hope to continue to be friends, and you thought it was fun, you shouldn't blow her off. But I wouldn't make a big deal about it -- I'd probably just text her. And what you exactly say when you contact her will naturally vary depending on what your ideal outcome here is, but I would not shy away from contacting her. I mean, I text my friends the next day if they just have me over for dinner, no sex.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 4:17 PM on February 2

Would you be calling if you hadn't slept with her?

Don't call *just* because you had sex with her. And if you do call, don't say "hope you are okay".

It's much more likely that you were 'seduced' than anything, which is fine! Right? You're fine with everything?

Honestly, for her, this is probably as normal a situation as having friends over to play board games.

Take care of yourself, enjoy the memories, and, on preview, what Countess Sandwich said.
posted by itesser at 4:20 PM on February 2

Until you're quite sure how you feel about it yourself, don't talk to her about it. You should explore your feelings with yourself, then your BF, before taking them further afield.

Any kind of uncertainty will broadcast itself loud and clear through the phone, and that's not a great thing.

If you settle and think it was awesome, call her and say that. If you didn't like it, don't call, and don't bring it up in future.

Sounds like a nice evening to me, except for the drinking. Much better to not have all those good sexy fun feelings routed through a fuzzy drunkbrain, IMO.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:24 PM on February 2 [2 favorites]

Well, I'm also going to put it out there that this sounds beyond staged to me, but I think that whether you call her should hinge less on the "we did the sexy" and more on the "we're new-ish friends". Since your BF has known her longer, what does he think? Would she appreciate a "hey, thank for the cookies" call? What is your relationship with her otherwise -- if she someone you'd call for a chat?
posted by sm1tten at 5:08 PM on February 2 [2 favorites]

Honestly, only the "shooing them out" part here sounds unusual. Otherwise, you described to-a-tee the start of just about every group experience I've ever had - Plenty of intoxicants to help everyone relax, the guys steer the conversation toward things of a vaguely sexual nature, the ladies start kissing, and it just progresses from there.

Particularly with her "quite young compared to the rest of us" and you somewhat older than me - Trust me, don't worry about the "cougar" angle, she took advantage of you (in so far as anyone did, which doesn't sound like the case here). The generation or two after us just doesn't take sex all that seriously - More like a party game, a fun and cheap way to spend an evening.
posted by pla at 5:13 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

Email her or text and say "Nice to see you last night! I had a great time." That's it.
posted by the young rope-rider at 5:28 PM on February 2 [21 favorites]

Yeah, send a nice, short, breezy text along the lines of what the young rope rider suggests. She'll appreciate it.

It's undoubtedly crossed her mind to hope that you feel positive about the experience since it's not the norm for you, and hey, everyone likes to know that their sexytimes were enjoyable.
posted by desuetude at 5:43 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

The purpose of the next-day-call is usually to lay the groundwork for a future date/hookup/relationship, by appearing caring and emotionally intimate. I don't think any of those things really apply here. I think you should treat her exactly as you did before - unless of course you want to deepen your relationship with her, either platonically or sexually.
posted by Kololo at 6:12 PM on February 2

Whether you contact her or not, I think you sound like you need to sort out whether you're really okay or not. It's one thing to say you are more than okay having sex with women, another completely to be okay with having sex with this woman under these circumstances. You sound flustered, which seems like a pretty reasonable reaction, but maybe you should sort yourself a bit before you worry about the etiquette.
posted by gingerest at 6:27 PM on February 2 [5 favorites]

Call! but that's my rule for almost all sex. i think it's the adult thing to do. u'd prob call after any other enjoyable event (shopping, spa, dinner) just to say hey "had a great time". while you're on the phone, you will be able to take the temp of the conversation and just check-in to make sure all is ok & clear up any misunderstandings. worst case: u were kind and unnecessarily concerned. best case: u all will be friends.
posted by PeaPod at 8:00 PM on February 2

Yeah, I'd say a text and/or call is fine. The text might be better, just something along the lines of what rope-rider said. If she responds, it'd be good to day, "Just didn't want you to feel weird about last night" or "always happy to talk to you." Make sure your communication is with her, though, and not with her boyfriend. That sounds like it could have its own baggage.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 9:35 PM on February 2

Send a text saying something like "Had a blast w you last night! :-)"
posted by Holidayalltheway at 10:25 PM on February 2 [3 favorites]

hey, thanks for having us over, hope you are okay, we had a great time.

This is one of these situations made for texting. I'd email or text with the message: Hey, thanks for having us over, hope you guys are good; we had a great time and hope you did too!

...and assume all is well.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:23 AM on February 3

Yeah, echoing the suggestions to send a text/email. It puts you both/all on the same page as to what *your* reaction is (that is, it sounds like you enjoyed it, aren't freaked out, and would be curious to spend more time with them), and gives her an opportunity to respond either with a similar message, with an invitation, or perhaps to pointedly not-respond.

roperider's and darlingbri's suggestions as to the message content sound good tom me -- or just your own words from the post, "hey, thanks for having us over, hope you are okay, we had a great time. " would be fine!
posted by Drexen at 10:00 AM on February 3