Men are just intimidated by you? Come on really?
February 2, 2013 2:25 PM Subscribe
Give me your tough love criticism of why I'm single!
posted by anonymous to human relations (56 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
A good friend (who is married) asked me recently why I was single and I didn't have any answer because I don't want to be, but I have been for a long time. He told me there was no reason I didn't have a boyfriend and I could if I wanted to easily, which got me really trying to figure out what my issue is. So here are the base stats:
30 year old single female
In pretty good shape, could stand to lose the last 5-10 lbs that I've never been able to really conquer, but I work out and am about a size 8-10.
Very into clothes and fashion
Professional living in a big city with lots of other young professionals
Former introvert who is now the occasional extrovert
Very dark and/or dry sense of humor - also very extreme humor (my favorite show is Archer)
Pretty opinionated. In my youth I used to be pretty "intense" or argumentative, but I've made a real effort to know when to let things drop and not to wade into uncomfortable/divisive conversations. I'm usually the one now lightening things up when they get too heated.
Atheist and feminist - not militant, but I don't hide it either
Loves travel and have lived abroad
Used to struggle with depression, but have been very happy and generally content for the past year or two.
I want kids, but am not at all desperate to have them right now (which seems to be true for most of my single female friends). I think I would be ok if I didn't have kids, but I do really want them.
I do very much want to get married one day and really have a life partner.
Reasons I've been told by friends I have trouble meeting the right guy:
I don't fit into any box or "type" and so guys don't know what to make out of me. I look like one type of girl (I'm from California and very much look like a typical "California girl", but live on the east coast), but am pretty quirky, intellectual, don't fit into that stereotype otherwise.
I intimidate guys. I.e. I have a (kinda sorta) impressive job (take that with a grain of salt so does everyone else in this town). I own a nice apartment and make decent money (but again I'm dead average in this department for the city I live in). - I also think the whole "guys find you intimidating" is code for something I can't quite put my finger on.
I'm too picky. This is certainly true to some extent. I want someone that has their life together and is well educated. I want someone I'm attracted to, but I'm decently open minded when it comes to looks. I want someone in decent shape, but they hardly need to be perfect. Age wise, probably not older than 37. I want someone that has the same values as me and this includes political views (they don't need to be identical, but I'm not dating someone is against gay marriage for example). They don't need to make a lot of money, but I expect that by our age they have a career or our well on their way to one. I also really need someone that has my sense of humor and can sort of engage in that type of banter. Also, I'll only date someone I think is a genuinely good person.
So what am I doing wrong? Yes I'm do online dating. It's ok, not great. I try to be proactive and message guys I'm interested in, but I don't get a very good response rate (maybe 1 in 5 or 10 replies and things generally trickle off after 1 or 2 messages or in other words right when it's make or break time to actually go meet up so I go on very few actual dates). Lots of guys message me, but they are generally wildly inappropriate in all the cliche online dating ways (no I don't want to be your third wife on the compound or date someone older than my father, but thanks for the offer!).
I make an effort to branch out and meet new people by signing up for teams/activities and socialize a lot. I have lots and lots of friends, but rarely meet anyone that interests me. I suck at meeting total strangers at bars and just don't think that'll ever be my forte. I feel like I'm in a great place in my life. My life isn't perfect, but I'm doing pretty well in my career and have tons of great friends. But for whatever reason I am almost the last single person I know. I'm now down to about 3 or 4 single friends and am surrounded by couples everywhere. I make an effort to get out with more single people, but we are becoming an endangered species.
So yeah lay it on me. I can take it.