Is this a legitimate reason to seek therapy?

February 1, 2013 7:36 AM

I'm pretty happy. Some amazing things have been happening in my life lately. One of the amazing things is a new relationship with someone who might be the love of my life. Here's the rub: I'm in my early 30s, a virgin and have never had a relationship longer than 3 months. I usually run away when relationships start to get too close. This new relationship feels perfect, easy and safe, but I'm afraid I might repeat my old patterns eventually. We have just passed the 3 month mark. If my happy, falling in love self goes to therapy and tells this as my reason for seeking treatment, what will the therapist think? Do I Need therapy///or can it help me?
posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total)

If you want to try therapy, go for it! What you described definitely sounds like a problem that a therapist may be able to help you with. But the whole point of a therapist is that they are there to listen to you without judgment and help you to process whatever is going on. No therapist will ever think, "Why is this person wasting my time with this unimportant problem?" If it's important enough for you to seek help, it's important.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:42 AM on February 1 [5 favorites]

I'm a pretty firm believer that therapy can help just about anyone, assuming they want help and have a decent relationship with their therapist. My old therapist would probably have thought "oh, good, anon is taking positive steps to try not to repeat a pattern that (s)he has recognized and wants to change. How can I help with that?" I mean, you might not need deep psychoanalysis or medication or CBT, but just talking through the strategies can be great help. So, I say, go for it.
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:43 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

Yes. Therapy can help you. It's not just there to talk you down off of the ledge. It's also there to help you examine and understand the things that you bring from your past that may or may not be working for you now in your present, and to help you to mindfully decide, moment-by-moment, whether those things are serving you in your immediate situation.

For some people, those things are things like, "when I feel like this, I start drinking until I pass out." and therapy can help people deal with that pattern. But you don't have to wait until you're inappropriately drinking to avoid something or whatever, in order to have a pattern that therapy can help you to deal with.
posted by gauche at 7:44 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

I don't believe there's a wrong reason to go to therapy; if you want to talk about your life situations to someone who isn't a part of those situations, you find an outside party, like a therapist. You've clearly got some stuff going on in your internal conversations with yourself, things that are worrying you, things you're thinking about, and if talking things through is a typical way that you work on issues, then yes, you should talk to someone - choosing someone professional just indicates that you're taking it seriously.

Some might argue that choosing a professional over choosing to talk with your partner about these things so directly related to your partner and your relationship, might be an indicator of this same fear of intimacy. In a beautiful recursion, the fact that you'd prefer to talk to a therapist is a symptom of the problem that you need to talk to a therapist about.
posted by aimedwander at 7:45 AM on February 1

...what will the therapist think?

The therapist will think the exact same thing the therapist thinks when anyone else comes into the office: "this person has a problem and needs help, so I will help them with their problem." To put it another way: it doesn't matter at all what the therapist thinks about your situation, it just matters that they help you with the issue you came in to get help with. Their personal opinion of your scenario isn't something they are going to share with you, nor will it impact the treatment you get.

Anyway, yeah, this is certainly a legitimate reason to seek therapy. But you shouldn't be waiting for a "legitimate reason" before you see a therapist if there is a major issue in your life caused by your emotional reaction to situations. That's reason enough; there doesn't have to be a concrete Problem to Solve like there is here.
posted by griphus at 7:47 AM on February 1 [7 favorites]

Anything that is pervasive enough to make you anxious is reason enough for therapy or at least a professional opinion. Any therapist worth their salt is not going to condescend to you (if they do, then find another one). But you can make their job easier by understanding exactly what you want to resolve/understand and being able to articulate that clearly. That being said, it is absolutely okay to ask a therapist to help you understand what your issue is and why it is bothering you through talk therapy if you don't quite understand it yourself.

If anything, consider it a possible preventative measure that will save you from having to attend couple's therapy in the future.
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:48 AM on February 1

instead of thinking about therapy as "i need to solve this problem, i wonder if this problem is sufficient to warrant therapy", try thinking about it as "i need space to deconstruct patterns in my life with an uninvolved but attentive person."
posted by rmd1023 at 8:05 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

One thing that will go a huge way toward getting you more comfortable with the vulnerability that honest intimacy comes with is being honest with the person you care about. Tell your new love that you have a pattern of bailing when things get close and that you want to head yourself off at the pass by talking about it with them and getting input from an objective pro about why you do it. Tell the person that you care about them so much that you really want to break the pattern. Tell them to call you on it if they feel you pulling away, because you may not recognize when you're doing it. This will introduce risk but it will most likely result in more of that easy & safe & close connection you're building together.
posted by headnsouth at 8:36 AM on February 1

Therapy is not an emergency room. You don't have to have a limb falling off to go. You could go to therapy to improve your tennis game, if you felt like you were overthinking your serves. You're paying a specialist to apply their training and experience to help you with something you've identified as a problem that involves thinking/behavior/mind stuff.

Non-legitimate reasons to seek therapy would be things like your car overheating, or ingrown toenails, or mice in your attic.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:50 AM on February 1 [11 favorites]

Therapy is not an emergency room. You don't have to have a limb falling off to go. You could go to therapy to improve your tennis game, if you felt like you were overthinking your serves. You're paying a specialist to apply their training and experience to help you with something you've identified as a problem that involves thinking/behavior/mind stuff.

Exactly. I found the World's Best Therapist Ever about 15 years ago, and I periodically check in with her for short-term sessions when I'm going through something stressful and feel I could use either a boost or just a safe place to process some stuff. In fact, I'm beginning a job search now, and I'm finding that I'm having some troubling pessimistic "what's the use of getting a better job anyway, I'm not gonna get it" thoughts that are making me procrastinate that process, so I've reached out to her to schedule a couple of sessions to help me bounce back.

You absolutely can talk to a therapist about this. But take some time to find a good one.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:26 AM on February 1

Data point: I have a friend who was a virgin 'til her mid-thirties and started therapy specifically to deal with that one issue. It worked!
posted by looli at 12:48 PM on February 1

Also, just to add, I have found in the past that having a specific thing I was looking for help with was a great approach to therapy. Treat it like a private workshop on "How to Fall in Love Without Freaking Out" and present it that way to your therapist.
posted by looli at 12:51 PM on February 1

You can look at therapy as something to go to for, among many others, either one or both of the following reasons-
1. You are mentally ill and you need it.
2. You want to deal with an issue regarding your personality or interaction with others and you'd like some expert assistance to do it most effectively and efficiently, and learn the necessary skills in the process.

Here's the rub: I'm in my early 30s, a virgin and have never had a relationship longer than 3 months.

You don't say this explicitly but do you think people in their thirties with lots of relationship/sexual experience are necessarily healthy? You won't believe how many of the seemingly healthy people are actually dysfunctional, will continue to date dysfunctional people and have dysfunctional relationships rather than have the courage to seek some therapy and fix themselves up first. I can understand why the above concerns you or seems like a problem but there is an equal chance that a therapist, much to your surprise, confirms that you are healthier than the average person.

If my happy, falling in love self goes to therapy and tells this as my reason for seeking treatment, what will the therapist think?

Therapists are trained to not be judgmental. If you feel they are, find another one who isn't!
"If my happy, falling in love self goes to therapy and tells this as my reason" - this is not what you tell the therapist as your reason for being there. These two are-
"I usually run away when relationships start to get too close"
"... I'm afraid I might repeat my old patterns eventually"
Then you together try to get to the bottom of whether these two are indeed true, and if so, what are the reasons behind these behaviours and how to overcome them.
posted by xm at 2:00 PM on February 1

What your therapist thinks about you is irrelevant. A good therapist is trained to be as neutral as possible and non-judgmental. Like someone said above, you don't need a reason - plenty of clients just want someone to talk to - someone legally obligated not to repeat it.

*one semester away from being a therapist.
posted by Elagabalus at 7:30 PM on February 2

I'm a therapist. I think the reason you describe is a perfect reason to go to therapy for a while.
posted by OmieWise at 10:03 AM on February 4