Please share your knowledge about the customs of dating, my question being from the point of view of a sexual abuse victim, and of the reactions of men who go on dates with her.
posted by Jireel to Human Relations (37 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
- Apologies for wall of text, only the questions are important-
I have been sexually abused upon turning 16, have been in therapy for 4 years, have overcome a lot during this time, and feel quite aware of the consequences and context of it. I keep working on it and lead a rather healthy life, socially, physically. I am trying to come to a better understanding of the dating world, in relation to this past.
I started dating late, and have been in a few relationships by now, some that seemed like a repetition of my relationship with my abuser, some that were very healthy and helped me learn and understand so much.
1) How common is it for the late 20s and early 30's dating crowd, to be expecting sex really soon after meeting for the first time ?
Recent examples : - a guy (A), friend of a friend, who suggested we meet at my place because he said he enjoyed getting to know people in their home environment, (it was our 1st date, but we had come across each other a few times at friends gatherings), and jokingly said at the end that it was probably time to leave since I wasn't offering him to sleep over. Then explained that he indeed thought it could happen quite soon. Was I sending a very sexual message by saying I agreed to have coffee at my place at 6 pm, or am I simply closed-minded about the realities of dating today ?
- a friend of a friend (B) I meet on a hiking day-trip (during which no flirting takes place, moreso regular little talks, and my going back to talk to the other hikers, as I felt a little attraction and felt shy about it so puta little distance). As we got out of the car, back in the city, he asked for my number, then called the same night, to ask if he could drop by at my place, and i suggested we meet in a café instead. He tried to kiss me on the lips, right as i walked towards him to greet him, at the meeting place. He then told me during that café conversation, that he basically had a strong desire for me. His words were "I want you". I felt like this expression, however sincere and direct, was almost violent to hear, so soon. I am aware that I act and feel traumatised regarding my past.
2) Trust, the building of intimacy, the general getting to a point of being at ease with a man, take a long time on my side, up to a few months. I cannot get physically intimate before alot of talking and sharing experiences has happenned. Should I simply skip dating and let friendships turn into love stories as happened to my before, or how would you advice I approach ths subject with someone I don't know very well....? How strange is it for a man to hear something like this during one of the first dates ? (usually men who are 25-35).
(I usually mention it, along with the fact that I know it is uncommon, etc. Usually as we get along, the men keep wanting to have dates, but I can feel an unease on their side. .... Since there is really no way I can get past the point of light / playful kissing without having that fearful/worried expression, and a desire for a little physical distance that goes with it.).
Thank you so much for your insight, ay advice, or experiences you have had. I am aware that dating can be a lot of trouble in my case, and am simply looking to be more easy-going, and to understand the way it works. Thank you.