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Looking for snappy come-backs for a recurring joke
January 27, 2013 2:02 PM   Subscribe

Every time I go to my boyfriend's parents place for dinner, his dad teases me about how much (or how little) I eat. He likes me and he's just joking around....so help me come up with some good comebacks!

I'm a short, skinny, all around tiny girl, and it's true that I can eat a lot for my size. I'm also much smaller than any of the other adults around the table. After the second time that he commented on how much I eat, my boyfriend informed me that this was now going to be a recurring joke...and he was right!

His family likes me, and we all like to tease each other. So I'm not insulted or concerned about getting him to stop. But I never know what to say, and if I'm going to be the subject of a recurring joke, I'm not going to let him have all the fun!

So I'm looking for a list of sassy, funny comebacks that I can pull out when he teases me. (And I see them often so the longer the list, the better.)

Here's some background information that may or may not be applicable in come-backs:

-He's average height, stocky/barrel chested but not fat
-He has a beard
-He's Austrian
-He's almost 60
-His hobbies are painting, curling, pool, and gardening

-I recently took up kick-boxing

-For recent medical reasons, I've had less of an appetite. So now he teases me about my smaller portion size ("Are you eating less so you don't embarrass yourself?") so I need comebacks for this too ;)

So far I have:

In response to small portions:
-That's because you were cooking today

In response to large portions:
-While you're playing pool with the other retirees, I'm out kick-boxing.

Let me know your ideas!
posted by Jade_bug to Human Relations (26 answers total)
 
"I'm eating less so you don't have to turn in your man card."
posted by bfranklin at 2:06 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


"Tomorrow I may or may not be hungry, but you will still be a goofball."
posted by jquinby at 2:07 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm a fairly large man. (6'4", 245 lbs) Any time someone remarks on how I eat, how much, or how little, I respond:
"I'm in training for sumo season."
Works every time, and it would work even better for someone your size.
posted by Floydd at 2:25 PM on January 27, 2013 [17 favorites]


"I'm trying to abort this baby from starvation."
posted by rhizome at 2:27 PM on January 27, 2013 [7 favorites]


"I just never get sick of hearing that joke, no matter how many times you repeat it!"
posted by InkaLomax at 2:29 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


"My intestinal worm is on holidays/ is extra hungry today" depending on your appetite at the time.
A gross comeback, but not insulting. For added fun, give your worm a name.
posted by insomniax at 2:29 PM on January 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Yeah, bring up the tapeworm. (Figuratively.) Will stop an entire table of conversation flat dead.
posted by scratch at 2:31 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


In response to small portions:
-That's because you were cooking today


ZING. yes!

Eating too much:
According to my doctor, I eat the exact right amount for someone this awesome.
posted by 23skidoo at 2:31 PM on January 27, 2013 [23 favorites]


In response to small portions:
I forgot which bit I poisoned, so I want to reduce my chances of- URK (grasp throat, slide under table)
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:33 PM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


I used to date a wonderful and snappy petite who once shut my uncle up with: gotta feed the twins!
posted by ouke at 2:44 PM on January 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


"Are you eating less so you don't embarrass yourself?"

"Oh, not at all. People nowadays aren't really embarrassed by how much they eat. They're more embarrassed by other things, like their boyfriend's dad's corny jokes."
posted by 23skidoo at 3:01 PM on January 27, 2013


Eating too little:

"First you think it's too much, then you think it's too little. Which is it, Goldilocks?"

(Will work best if you're prepared to address him as Goldilocks from there on out.)
posted by 23skidoo at 3:03 PM on January 27, 2013 [11 favorites]


"I'm trying to abort this baby from starvation."

"My intestinal worm is on holidays/ is extra hungry today"

I would very much avoid these two "comebacks".
posted by lakersfan1222 at 3:45 PM on January 27, 2013 [12 favorites]


For eating too much.

"I’ve never been swimming, and that’s because it’s never been more than half an hour since I last ate."

I always like disarming a joke about me by making, what I think at least, is a better joke about me.
posted by wwax at 4:20 PM on January 27, 2013


-His hobbies are painting, curling, pool, and gardening

-I recently took up kick-boxing


Eat too much:

Well, I eat as much as I do because I work up an appetite kick-boxing. You eat as much as you do because you work up an appetite... gardening.
posted by 23skidoo at 4:41 PM on January 27, 2013


For eating too much:

What are you talking about? I have the appetite of a bird! . . . of PREY!

(preferably said while savagely tearing into a leg of mutton or some such)
posted by HotToddy at 5:32 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Heard from a small older guy with a heaping plate in a N. Ireland hostel: "I've got to take care of myself... there's not many of me left!"
posted by tinker at 6:01 PM on January 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


Small portions:
Well, my husband's family takes me out to better restaurants/are better cooks, so I'm saving my appetite.
posted by googly at 6:12 PM on January 27, 2013


Eating too much: "It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it."

Eating not enough: "Yeah, ever since that zombie bit me, all I feel like eating is BRAAAAAINS..." (With appropriate hand motions, etc.)
posted by anaelith at 6:14 PM on January 27, 2013


Eating too much: "It's never too early to start working on one's winter layer of fat."
posted by lakeroon at 6:29 PM on January 27, 2013


"XXX hasn't told you? We're moving to Hollywood so I can pursue my dream of becoming an actress – so I'm trying to do my part to re-inforce gender stereotypes that thin equals beauty and That my value will only measured by my looks, and hopefully, hopefully, I will be marketable as a sexual commodity."
posted by pmaxwell at 6:37 PM on January 27, 2013


I'm working on my one pack.
posted by jadepearl at 7:19 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


"ya know, I shot a man in Reno who asked me that question"
posted by jcworth at 9:31 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Self-deprecating: I have hollow legs [more food] / I've had my hollow legs filled in [less food]

Makes sure the subject will never get raised again: I'm trying to put on weight so I look like x's mom / I'm eating less so I don't end up looking like x's mom.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:54 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


When eating too much: "Well, I am eating for two, you know!" then reach over and squeeze your boyfriend's hand and smile lovingly at him.
posted by jbickers at 8:18 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


For small portions: "Oh, no thank you, I'm full. I already split a tic tac with a friend for lunch."

"Sorry? What was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated [cow/chicken/pig] rolling around in your wide open trap." (Michael Caine says this in Miss Congeniality)
posted by spec80 at 1:27 PM on January 28, 2013


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