How to react to my girlfriend going back to her parent's every weekend?

January 27, 2013 9:56 AM

So, my girlfriend is in her early 30s, as am I. We've been dating for almost a year; we're moving in together and it's overall great - but I'm starting to get irked that she leaves almost every saturday morning, and comes back almost every sunday night, to go to her parents who live in another state. I love her; and this is a silly problem; I don't want to make it one, but I'm at a loss on how to react...
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (34 answers total)

I don't think it's a silly problem at all, but you don't give us much detail about your situation. Are her parents sick or elderly? Does she help them around the house? Do you both work traditional Monday to Friday jobs? Have you talked about the fact that her non-presence during your only "free time" together?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:59 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Have you asked why she goes? It's different if, say, she goes because they're infirm and she's helping them with necessary projects on weekends. Also, I'm assuming she doesn't invite you along; have you asked her why?
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:59 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Is the problem that you don't want her to go or that you would like to go with her?
posted by lydhre at 10:02 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Is the problem here that you feel she's not spending enough time with you on the weekends?
posted by atrazine at 10:02 AM on January 27, 2013

Go with her.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:08 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

You need to speak with her about this. Find out why, explain how you feel, and go from there.
posted by ssg at 10:09 AM on January 27, 2013

Living with someone as a partner asks and challenges them to change their routine. She may not be aware that being away every weekend is a big thing. Mention it, but try to do so with as little baggage/guilt as possible; something like "I'd love to spend some weekend time with you now and again."
posted by scruss at 10:09 AM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

Your reaction to this may change once you move in together. You may find yourself grateful to have Saturday nights free and needing the space.
posted by payoto at 10:10 AM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

Why does this irk you?
posted by sm1tten at 10:32 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

You're not married. If she wants to see her folks on the weekend, she gets to. They're her family. You aren't.
posted by discopolo at 10:47 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

And as for "how to react," be cool about it. She lives them. She has a finite amount of time to spend with them. Why do you get to judge her for how she spends her time her loved ones?
posted by discopolo at 10:50 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

You have to be much clearer (in your own mind, at least, if not here) about what the nature of the problem actually is. Wanting to spend your weekends together, for example, is a very different problem (and will require a different conversation with your girlfriend) than being concerned that she's not independent enough from her parents, or whatever it is that is actually bothering you.
posted by scody at 10:53 AM on January 27, 2013 [7 favorites]

Others have already asked the obvious questions here (can you go if you wanted, and why do you care), but I'll just put this here...

Enjoy your "me" time. It will do more long-term good for your relationship than just about anything else you could do. When you spend all your time together, and most of it involves nothing but the daily grind, you will quickly grow bored or even annoyed by a housemate (and yes, a partner still counts as a housemate). Use that time to get personal projects/reading/whatever done; to go out with the boys; to just sleep in and do nothing some weekends.

For that matter, she may take those trips specifically to give you time by yourself or with your friends, so as not to appear "smothering". You could talk to her about that, at least.
posted by pla at 10:56 AM on January 27, 2013 [7 favorites]

I would think this is totally weird or annoying too, but man, six years in, I'd be all, awesome, see you in 36 hours! *BUSTS OUT PLAYSTATION*
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:56 AM on January 27, 2013 [26 favorites]

What pla said. "You time" is amazingly important in a relationship. I think it's fair to ask yourself some of the questions up-thread, and communicate with her about your desire to spend some weekend time together, but trust me, you'll be happier if you embrace the stuff you enjoy doing during this time she's giving you.
posted by Alterscape at 11:02 AM on January 27, 2013

How to react? Ask her why she goes there. Does she miss them, do they need her help, do they expect her to come or else they will make her life difficult, is this a routine she got into ten years ago and it never occurred to her to stop, does she like the area in which they live? Ask if you can go with her sometimes, or if she does she not want that, or if her parents would like you, or if her parents know you exist. Find out if she wants to change her routine to spend more weekends with you once you move in together, and if she plans to move back closer to her parents at some point, or if she'd prefer if they moved closer to her/you eventually. Figure out how much time you want to spend with your own family/friends with her, or without her, as you get more serious. How you react depends on how that conversation goes, what you learn from it, what you want, what she wants, etc.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:04 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

I get why this sucks.

It's like having a roommate instead of a girlfriend.

Talk to her.
posted by jbenben at 11:27 AM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]

"Now that we are serious enough to be living together, I'd like to join you this weekend to meet and spend some time with your parents. Don't panic, I'm not going to propose or anything you're not expecting, but I would like to get to know them, and I really don't enjoy spending every weekend apart from you."
posted by davejay at 11:31 AM on January 27, 2013

Oh, and as someone who totally needs me-time, I'd be jumping for joy at having every other weekend free, but every weekend? Even for me that's too much, and I have received feedback from some that I need far too much me-time.
posted by davejay at 11:34 AM on January 27, 2013 [6 favorites]

How to react?

Freak out! Issue an ultimatum! Tell her: it's either ME or your PARENTS!

Hmmm....as stated above, we really don't have enough information. I'm curious why you're at a loss as to how to react. You two live together? Have some kind of committed relationship? You feel how you feel. How do you feel about it? When you're in an adult, committed relationship, the best way to get things out in the air is to air them out. I, personally, would not go visit my parents in another state every weekend when I could be at home enjoying leisurly french toast breakfasts in bed with my sweetie. But, then, I'm not your girlfriend and have no idea what she's up to.

If I were you, I'd think about what I want to have happen and then ask for it, calmly and lovingly. I'm sure there's a middle ground that you two can arrive at.
posted by amanda at 11:40 AM on January 27, 2013

I would find this difficult to deal with too. It's not about someone loving their parents, it's about whether someone has formed a separate adult identity. That seems quite impossible if someone is spending every weekend with their parents. They'd naturally have a disproportionate influence on her identity. A lot of guilt and unhealthy dynamics could be involved and preventing her from developing her independence.

I think it would be good for you to go with her sometimes, but I'd be careful of suggesting that as the first solution unless you want to spend every weekend hanging with her parents too. It can be a good part of a compromise - you would like to spend more time with her, so why not go with her one weekend a month and she stays one weekend a month, to start? You are perfectly within the norm to want to spend some time with your girlfriend on the weekend. I think asking her to stay behind one weekend, if you haven't already, will give you a good sense of whether she is doing this of her own choice, or because her parents are pressuring her.

Is she from a different culture than you, by any chance? This is more normal in some cultures than others.
posted by decathexis at 11:41 AM on January 27, 2013 [8 favorites]

I would find this unnacceptable - the point of a relationship is companionship.

If you have kids, prepare for the in laws to be at your house every weekend ... This can have its plusses and minuses.
posted by yarly at 11:41 AM on January 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

My first thought is boyfriend back home.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:54 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

My first thought is, parents don't know she's living with someone.

The poster should provide much more information via a moderator.
posted by Houstonian at 12:04 PM on January 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

I come from a culture where this is really common. Are her other siblings there on the weekend too? Does her Mom do her laundry and her Dad her taxes while she's home?

The traditional way to stop this is to marry her btw.
posted by fshgrl at 12:15 PM on January 27, 2013 [6 favorites]

Well, you've been dating her for a year, and she has been doing this the entire time, and you didn't see a problem with it. So why is it such a big deal now?

I think this would irk me, but it would irk me to the point where I would not end up in a serious, committed relationship with the person. She is able to maintain a committed relationship while visiting her parents every single weekend, and she hasn't found any reason to change that routine.

Before moving in together, I would be more upfront about your needs, like making weekend plans with your girlfriend or taking a weekend trip somewhere. I get the impression that you never did that, before, because you didn't want to rock the boat in her routine and the relationship. That allowed her to continue a routine that she liked but you didn't. You need to discuss whether she is comfortable spending some weekends with just you.
posted by deanc at 12:16 PM on January 27, 2013

I think this is a potential problem. I'm very close to my parents and like to see them a few times a week. This takes away a great deal of family time with my husband, and it doesn't sit well. I don't expect him to want to hang out with my parents (because who really wants to do that?) but of course it would be great if that were the case. In the larger picture though, it has limited choices I've made because I don't want to be away from them. In your situation it looks like your partner has made enough of a break to move to a different state, although I'd wonder if she hopes to move closer to her parents at some point? I guess my concern would be how will this play out in the future, especially if you don't want to have her family play a significant part in your life together.
posted by bluespark25 at 12:19 PM on January 27, 2013

When I moved in with my boyfriend for a short period of time, he did this too. We don't live together now, but we are still together (and happy!). At the time we moved in together, I was dealing with some personal issues and was very unhappy overall. This lead to me starting fights and lots of criticism, and my boyfriend responds to issues like that by withdrawing. So, he went home every weekend, which made me more upset every weekend. We obviously were not communicating very well during this time period, and we were both unhappy with the situation at hand. Additional factors were that my boyfriend needs a lot of alone time and he used his parents and their house for some of his needs (like free groceries).

However, way after the fact we discussed it (when everyone was happy again). I think the solution we came up with was that if that situation ever happened again, we could have compromised and he could have gone home every other weekend, or spent at least one weekend a month with me. He didn't realize how upsetting it was to me that he left every weekend, and I didn't realize the toll my personal unhappiness had on the relationship and him.

But, YMMV. The most important thing to find out is why she is going home, and then figure out how you guys can compromise.
posted by tweedle at 1:17 PM on January 27, 2013

I'm going to assume your problem is just that you want to spend more time with her, in which case it would be fair to say "hoooonnnneyyyyy I miss you at weekends... what if you just went home every *other* weekend?"

Okay, maybe not in that whiney voice. Dunno why I used that voice. But, say that.

If it's more complicated than that, I defer to my fellow MeFites.
posted by tel3path at 1:32 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

It might be a good idea to get this cleared up before you move in together: either accept it or not, but I suspect that having this hanging over you will tear you apart in the long run if you move in before you two discuss it, understand the what and why behind it, and come to terms with it.
posted by easily confused at 1:45 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Just talk to her about it in a non-angry but honest way. It's not a silly problem at all. I'd be upset and hurt if I never got to see a significant other on weekends - I mean, every weekend? I'm extremely introverted and I love my alone time, but that would not sit well with me.

It sounds like you aren't comfortable bringing this up to her, but communication issues like that should be worked on before the two of you move in together.
posted by wondermouse at 1:56 PM on January 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

It seems very unusual but really it's hard to comment further without knowing more about her, her parents, their relationship, etc.
posted by Dansaman at 7:52 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would find that intensely hard. People's lives during the week are usually pretty busy with jobs and just getting all the required things done. Sure, we do couple-y things on the weeknights as well, but by the time we get home from work, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up, help the kid with homework, and finally get him to bed, we are SPENT. And there isn't a lot of time left in the evening. For the most part weekends are when "relationships" happen. You spend entire days together, even if you're just running errands. For her to be gone every weekend would, for me, be a deal breaker. A big one.

This definitely something you need to talk to her about. This is a talk you need to have before your relationship advances in to the "living together" phase.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:33 AM on January 28, 2013

My parents come from a culture where this is common. They expect me to come every weekend and I fight it.

My fiance, on the other hand, thinks it's perfectly normal to rush to his parents on the weekends or for long stretches of time without letting me know. (He's also from the same conservative South Asian cultural class.) His parents are in this country semi-long-term now, so we've had a lot of time to think/talk about this.

Eliminating weekends from time spent together must put a tremendous strain on your relationship. It did for me. Since I work a stressful job, I'm much more relaxed on weekends. I'd rather spend time with the fiance on a Saturday then to be falling asleep at the movies on a Thursday evening, which is what used to happen.

What worked for me was telling him that he was pushing me away. Not spending more time with me ruined quality of time we DID spend together. He either had to spend the time -- because time is valuable -- or let me go.

This quasi-ultimatum helped, and things are getting better. Your girlfriend just may not realize what she's losing.

Is the problem cultural? If it is, you may have to stand your ground. She may consider this normal or something that Goes Without Saying unless you say something. People can be really obtuse about this stuff. She may ask why you didn't bring up the problem sooner.

If not, bring it to her attention and see what she says. I'm sure you'll figure something out. And please do that before you actually move in together, as previous commenters have said.
posted by orangutan at 10:22 AM on January 29, 2013