Friends, money and jealousy.

January 27, 2013 9:48 AM

I have a few new couple acquaintances that are on their way to becoming friends. Here's the trouble. As I get to know them more, i realize that there is a common thread about most of them. They are all quite pre-occupied with "how do i make more money" in life.

I am ok with being driven etc. But the problem is with these friends there comes conversations that I don't like :Eg comparisons between friends, analysis on who is better off than them and who is not. I know they speculate about me as well (based on the - he gossips to you will gossip about you theory).

A few years ago, I had friends very similar to those that are popping back into my life now that talk about money so much. I have had these thoughts and conversations before. But since then, I changed my life dramatically, have since given myself freedom from being addicted to the goals of making money etc. I have transformed my life, lead a minimalistic life style. Have chosen to have fewer high quality friends than a large circle of friends i can't get to know as much as I'd like. I am now very happy than that former self. It feels like a deja vu. There is a real feeling of claustrophobia in me when people touch the money topic. Most of the times I feel like they are curious about me and my situation. How did i get to where I am. These are all nice people but very hungry for money, power, property etc. I am uncomfortable with those that spend so much time thinking about others rather than being pre-occupied with themselves. I am looking to add a few more meaningful local friends that I can hang with and be myself.

Q : Should I just keep on the path that works for me and accept that I cannot be comfortable and safe in forming a deep rooted friendship with these people. Or is this a practical thing that I just need to learn to ignore and continue getting to know them otherwise.

posted by gadget_gal to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Don't be friends with people you don't like.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:58 AM on January 27, 2013 [25 favorites]

Best answer: I understand those competing impulses to form friendships but also to not be subjected to interactions that disturb and drain you. Unfortunately sometimes people are a very mixed bag.

The older I get the less tolerance I have for this kind of thing. (In my case, the "thing" is a fixation on how thin women are, rather than money; but it's the same kind of BS.) On the other hand, it is hard not to have girlfriends. My compromise has been -- with people that I know have good hearts and are true friends, but also have this fixation and desire to discuss subjects I really hate -- to guide conversations to other topics that I know interest them as much, but that don't disturb me. Say, their love life. I don't mind hearing about that, and they appreciate my undivided attention, and when the thinness thing comes up I kind of laugh it off like "oh girl, you know that's not my bag, pass the Cheetos." In your case it could be more like "oh, I've been there done that and it's not my thing anymore, pass the Cheetos."

And since they are good people, I can call them when I need a friend.

But I don't spend a ton of time with them.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:08 AM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]

The impression I get is that you don't really get along with these people, but you feel guilty and judgy for your reasons that you don't like them. The truth is you don't need detailed morally defensible justifications for why you don't want to be friends with someone. If they're not "your people", then that's what it is-- go in search of people you feel better personal chemistry with.
posted by deanc at 10:10 AM on January 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

I would propose a corollary to Lyn Never's "Don't be friends with people you don't like" which would be something like "Don't surround yourself with people you don't like."

Somehow you are coming into contact with a lot of people who are preoccupied with money, and this isn't you. How are you meeting people with traits you don't share? Are they friends of money-minded friends, do you belong to a church in a wealthy neighborhood, attend a lot of business events, etc.? Being a minimalist and surrounding yourself with materialists is definitely going to lead to some discomfort. There's nothing wrong with cutting ties with such people and seeking out friends who share your worldview.
posted by payoto at 10:28 AM on January 27, 2013 [8 favorites]

Another option, if you really want these people in your life, is to be very clear that you're not going to engage in this. Like, when they start on about how well-off someone is, you can say "really? Come on, guys, money's not that important. Bill's a good guy." And then change the topic and refuse to engage in any more conversation about it. Then be even less interested in the future... just roll your eyes, say "who cares" or "meh" or "whatever" and move on. Don't offer a strong reaction after the first one, even negative feedback will still encourage this stuff because people want a reaction to what they say.
posted by windykites at 10:47 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

I suppose it depends on whether they want more money, or just enough money.

If they make plenty to support their lifestyles and still seem overly obsessed with getting more, I'd consider that a definite negative. If, however, they talk about how they'll pay the bills at the end of the month, well, not easy to drive the absence of basic necessities from our thoughts.

I would also say it depends on whether they hit you up for cash all the time, or just have "get rich quick" dreams. The latter I would actually call more dangerous if you have a hard time saying "no", but the former can get annoying fast if they treat you like the sugar-daddy of the social group.

Perhaps they can't see beyond the means to the desired end, and you could steer the conversation to more meaningful discussions? Like why do they want money? Do they want security in their retirements? Do they want nice cars (and if so, why do they want that)? Do they just want to make rent on time for a change? Do they think it will help them find a (better) partner?

So on the flip side of that, I would ask (or rather, you need to ask yourself) why the subject bothers you so much that you would abandon a budding friendship because of one annoying topic. Do you worry they'll hit you up for money eventually? That they focus on the material over things that matter (to you)? Does the topic make you uncomfortable, or just disinterested?
posted by pla at 11:11 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

But the problem is with these friends there comes conversations that I don't like :Eg comparisons between friends, analysis on who is better off than them and who is not. I know they speculate about me as well (based on the - he gossips to you will gossip about you theory).


This kind of preoccupation is sad. I say continue to hang out with these friends if you like them except for the money part. Are these friends in their early thirties by chance? I bet you when most of them turn 40-50 they will be over this kind of talk and comparison.

I would just not engage when they talk about who has what and such.

I have wealthy friends and I used to have anxiety over having them over to my house and such. I think some of my anxiety stemmed from thinking I didn't have enough ambition or gumption. I did and do have a more relaxed approach to life but at that time I could have been living life more fully. Be sure that you're not feeling anxiety because you feel stagnant in your life.
posted by Fairchild at 1:48 PM on January 27, 2013

It's worse when they get old. They do not get over it. They talk money trash talk about their adult children, as in: bitching about how one son doesn't have a job while the other 2 sons are both making more than $200,000 a year, AT PRESENT (post-2008 economy).

Or about you: "Are you still working at that school?"

Don't be friends with such people, and if you have inherited these acquaintances and can't disavow them, volunteer at a homeless shelter /cliche
posted by bad grammar at 4:16 PM on January 27, 2013

I am a businessperson and many of my friends are businesspeople. They talk about business ideas which are for the purpose of generating income, but they never talk about who is making more money then whom, so I don't see that behavior as being something you should consider normal and accepted, especially since you don't like it.
posted by Dansaman at 7:55 PM on January 27, 2013

Talking about money is tacky. You aren't tacky, and your friends don't need to be either.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:54 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Your friends have very different values about money, and maybe a lot of other things. Spend some time figuring out what your values are, not just what you don't value, but what you do. Keep a mental list of topis that are important to you, and when the topic of money comes up, be true to your own values, i.e., "Really, Chris makes a lot of money? Did you know Chris volunteers for Habitat/ is a gifted photographer/ etc.?" If these folks have a lot of very different values, you may want to look further.
posted by theora55 at 6:33 AM on January 29, 2013