Our cat hates everything. Help us make him happy.

January 26, 2013 10:46 AM

Our year-and-a-half old cat hates being touched. He's incredibly aggressive towards anyone except me and my wife (and sometimes towards us too). We've yet to find a toy that holds his attention. What would make him happy?

Basically, we're wondering how to give our cat a decent quality of life when he hates (i) affection (ii) people (iii) toys. If the answer is just "Keep feeding him decent food and stay out of his way," then I guess that's okay. (That's what we do now.) But I keep wondering if there's something more we should try.

Some potentially useful tidbits:

1. He came to us through a sort of crappy route: he was born feral, his mother was killed, and one of my wife's co-workers found him and his littermates (who were probably 3-4 months old at the time) and promptly split them up. Yes, we know that this totally sucks. We took him in after the others had already been given away.
2. The closest he comes to physical affection is rubbing against our legs when he wants something (normally food). At the other end of the spectrum: he still attacks us occasionally for no apparent reason; he particularly loves to "stalk" and "kill" us in our sleep (claws out, drawing blood) if we forget to shut him out of the bedroom at night; once when we left him in the care of a cat sitter for a few days he attacked her so viciously that she fled the apartment and refused to set foot back inside.
3. Normally the answer to "our cat is bored" is "adopt a second cat." I'd be all over that if this guy weren't so violent. As is, I'm kind of scared to.
4. The one thing that really interests him is hunting — mostly flies or other bugs, since we have the good fortune not to have a rat problem. Last summer we started catching live moths around our porch light and bringing them into the house for him, and that was a big hit. But wintertime means no moths.
5. "Huntable" toys — wind-up mice, jingle balls, etc — don't seem to hold any interest for him. (Maybe because you can't eat them when you catch them? I dunno.)
6. He's an indoor cat, and right now that's non-negotiable. Letting him out would be against our lease (no, I don't know why they wrote it that way, but they did: cats are permitted only so long as they're indoor-only) and our landlord lives right up the street.
7. We know he'll never be especially friendly or affectionate, and we're okay with that. We just want him to have a happy and interesting life. Right now we have a bad feeling that he's bored senseless, but we're not sure what to do about it.

posted by and so but then, we to pets & animals (42 answers total)

1) Does he get his claws trimmed regularly? (For your safety.)

2) He may well be missing the wild outdoors. A safe way to give him some outdoorsy playtime is to harness and walk him. He may not like it, but it's worth a shot. The trick is to get him into the harness without getting hurt -- get his claws trimmed, wear long sleeves and maybe gloves. He sounds bored. Another way to do this (if you have any kind of a yard) is to get one of those cat enclosures.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:55 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Feliway. I used it and noticed a huge drastic difference in my cat within a day. She went from being a stressed out "I HATE YOU GO AWAY!" cat to OMGILOVEYOUPUUUUUUUUR.

it's worth a shot at least.
posted by royalsong at 10:58 AM on January 26 [3 favorites]

Have you tried Feliway? It works pretty good on my grumpy cat, who acts a lot like yours, minus the violence -- thats a hard one.

Also, since he likes hunting, have you tried the good old laser pointer? Again, this is about the only thing my grumpy cat will reliably come out for. But he really really loves chasing the laser pointer. It has the added benefit of really tiring him out.
posted by cgg at 10:59 AM on January 26

Watch some episodes of My Cat From Hell and see if anything resonates. It could be that your apartment isn't set up right for him (he might need more perches and hiding spaces). It could be that your reactions to the attacks/acting nervous around him are exacerbating the problem.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:03 AM on January 26 [5 favorites]

1) Laser toy.

2) Laser toy.

3) Laser toy.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:06 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Absolutely nothing gets my cats moving like the sound of Da Bird swishing through the air.
posted by Runes at 11:07 AM on January 26

Other things to try: get the pet toys that hide food that they have to play with to liberate. Another thing my vet suggested for an interesting play toy was to get a tea ball and go to the pet store and ask for some of the bedding from the small animal cages, put in the tea ball and let him investigate.

Also consider clicker training. One of my cats (the more active one, in fact) loves to be taught new tricks.
posted by Runes at 11:10 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

In my experience, jingle balls and windup mice only appeal to certain kinds of cats.

Have you tried something like this "Da Bird" toy? It is sort of like a fishing rod with feathers at the end and it makes our cats go completely wild. Especially the one who is more of a hunter-type. He literally gets crazy when we take the toy out, he goes flying around without regard for his own safety and does insane leaps and contortions. He will hunt this toy until he collapses, gasping on the floor - it's a little bit scary, so we have to limit playtime with it and hide the toy in between uses. The same cat would not bat an eyelid at a jingle ball.

I'm not sure it would really change his behavioral issues, but he might really enjoy playing with it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:11 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

A safe way to give him some outdoorsy playtime

The indoor-only cat clause in the lease could be about safety to the cats, cat shit in the yard, fear of liability for incidents involving other animals or children, or anything else including any bugs that your cat may pick up outside and introduce to the apartment.

Don't take your cat outside until you know why this clause exists.

Harnessing a gentle cat is difficult, harnessing a violent cat may require tranquilizers or a kitty-tazer. I wouldn't wish this task on anyone.
posted by whatzit at 11:13 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

I have 2 cats who were both feral cats when I got them. While they are not violent, I did have to get creative to get them comfortable being entertained as inside cats.

1) They LOVE windows. If you can provide a perch, bed or some way that your cat can see out a variety of windows in your house, they can be entertained by birds and other animals moving around outside your house without actually being outside. Cats don't have to be actually attacking something in order to be entertained.

2) I am also a fan of the laser pointer. Mine has a keychain type thing attached to it and when they hear me pick it up, they go nuts. I could entertain them for hours with this thing.

3) Get something your cat can climb. I know that 'cat furniture' isn't always stylish, but having a few things that can get your cat high off the ground is important for happy cat life. It simulates climbing in the wild and gives them an escape if they are scared or feeling threatened.

4) some cats are just crazy or sensitive. You may want to have your vet check for subtle irritants in the cat's health. My mom's cat is on prozac... and is much calmer than when he was found. Just like people.. some cats need a chill pill.

Good luck!
posted by makeshiftjoy at 11:15 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

It's perfectly possible to train cats not to attack you and to do / not do various other behaviors too. They're pretty stupid and reactive animals for the most part so it takes a while and some hard work on your part to "explain" what you want but if you're patient it will build a better bond between you.

I'm not talking about a spray bottle, which is crude aversion only, I'm talking about teaching your cat tricks and commands. Usually in return for treats and eventually praise and scrithies.
posted by fshgrl at 11:17 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

If there's any way to test out a second cat, it might be worthwhile. You don't want to adopt one until you know those two get along. Does he like catnip? Does he have high places to jump to? Does he have edible plants he can eat?

I've found that for frightened cats, leaving podcasts/books on tape on whenever I was out got them more used to people. This might help for him.
posted by jeather at 11:17 AM on January 26

Lots of great advice above. There ARE things to do. Especially including wearing them out, and giving them structure.

In addition, if it's any consolation—it probably is not!—I have known cats that have taken between 4 and 8 years to really come around and settle in. (Uh, sorry.) I have met more than a few cats who could only be touched by their owners after about five years, and then by other people at about ten years. They finally relented late in life.

Trust is hard. Oh cats.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:18 AM on January 26 [2 favorites]

I know this may sound a bit out there, but have you had him in to the vet to have his teeth checked? Our 3 year old cat developed genetic periodontal resorption at 18 months and had to have 8 teeth extracted. He went from being a moody, shy cat to being a huge affectionate ball of purrs. Tooth pain in cats is no joke and can really affect their personality. It's worth a try if you've not gotten it checked before. Cats, especially feral rescues, are very cagey about showing pain, and often will not unless/until it's severe and drastic.
posted by lonefrontranger at 11:20 AM on January 26 [8 favorites]

Oh, also, is he fixed?

There's one My Cat From Hell episode about a female cat that was a vicious, violent hellion who was peeing on everything. The owners hadn't had her spayed because blah blah blah she was too violent to get into a box. Jackson crated her, took her to the vet, had her fixed and the vast majority of behavioral problems disappeared.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:22 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Honestly, I think what you're doing is fine. Zach was similarly skittish and contact-averse when I first got him, for similar reasons (when he was a kitten he lived with a woman who had two big dogs that terrorized him), and he would also do the randomly-attack-out-of-nowhere thing for a while. He also was bored by most toys, and also was big on hunting (I lived above a restaurant for a while, and found out that fortunately he was a really good mouser).

But honestly, in a couple years he started calming down all on his own. Actually, he started occasionally sitting on my lap after a few months - he'd get bitey if I tried petting him, but then would settle back down on my lap and purr all happily. Then after another year or so the biteyness started to scale back, and then the headskritchies were okay, and...it just took time. He was about eight before I got my first head-butt, and ten before I could pick him up without him trying to scramble out of my arms in two seconds.

And that whole time, he was perfectly fine and healthy. My vets would tell me that he was the healthiest pet they'd ever seen - the little putz lived to be 18 years old and still fought the vet like holy hell on one of his last vet visits (getting a blood test out of him regularly involved five vet techs, a spare room, and lots of yelling), but his last few years he was a total cuddlebug; he'd jump up in bed with me early in the mornings and burrow his head into my hand and stretch out along my arm so I could bestow pettings as soon as I woke up; he'd jump into my lap all the time and nuzzle my hands, he'd always come to the door when I got home - he was affectionate.

It just took a little time, and respect for him wanting to warm up to me at HIS pace.

One toy he really loved, though, was the cat dancer - it is the only toy he came back to again and again and again. It's also hellacheap.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:28 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

I'm a Feliway believer. I suggest the plug-in type, and depending on the size of your space you might need more than one.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:58 AM on January 26

I actually just picked up some feral kittens and have been watching videos on how to tame them. It becomes progressively more difficult as they get older, but you might try confining him to a single room and using feeding times to get close and approach him.

This video was my favorite in describing how to handle feral kittens - it spent most of the time dealing with the more difficult cases. Obviously your guy isn't a kitten anymore but I wonder if it's worth a shot to use the tricks designed for older kittens to at least get him more comfortable being around you guys.
posted by zug at 11:58 AM on January 26

My cat also goes absolutely bonkers for the cat dancer toy. Completely tires himself out in just a few minutes. He also really likes these spring things--he'll chase them like a dog. Other than those two things, most toys fail to hold his interest.

Also seconding giving the cat a window perch--do you have a way of putting a bird feeder right outside the window? We have one of the ones that suctions to the window (kind of like this) and our cats loooooooooove watching the birdies. At this point, we can even just say "birdie!" and one of our cats will start clattering automatically.

Good luck!
posted by tan_coul at 12:03 PM on January 26

I have a born-in-a-barn cat that has only now, at 4 years (I think), become cuddly, although he did cuddle as a small kitten and imprinted on me early. I kept him indoors only for a long time, but I think it was his semi-feral background that made him neurotic inside, and at one point he really tore up my hand with a nasty bite. I neutered him (months late) and used Feliway, and it made a huge difference, but I also had to let him decide to be a slightly outside cat. Nowadays he likes to go out but also cherishes those indoor privileges in bad/cold weather. He still likes to "love bite" when I overstimulate him, but also has good control of how much and listens to me saying "Yow!" for example (too much and I do evict him back to the floor, so I don't let this get out of hand or let him train me). With about a year of being fed by my mother (gradually going up to about 55% her) and now a new treat ritual that requires him to check my hands then go to her for the rest, he's really opened up to more than just me. Still, toy-wise, he's very picky and doesn't do much with anything that requires him to play on his own -- he needs direct interaction (like the bird toy). My main point here is that there are things you can do and you must have patience.
posted by dhartung at 12:12 PM on January 26

Aww! You're catering to the happiness of your tiny furry psychokiller! Y'all are total bodhisattvas! The moth story is especially touching.

Seconding My Cat from Hell, and do have a (discerning & intrepid) vet check him out for all kinds of pain.

Don't trick yourself into discounting the affection your cat does show:
The closest he comes to physical affection is rubbing against our legs when he wants something (normally food).
The idea that real affection should be disinterested is a cultural construct shared by some but not all humans, and possibly zero cats. (Elizabeth Marshall Thomas, daughter of anthropologists, has a great story about a lion affectionately licking a slain gazelle, a gesture apparently translatable as: "I love you, yummy prey! You feed me!". Cats are weird, in the literal sense.)

And remember that much cat affection is super-subtle. Does the cat voluntarily hang out in the same room as you? If so, you are among the things that he likes. He likely prefers that you show your affection for him in similarly understated fashion -- for etiquette tips, see the always-insightful Way of Cats blog. Are there particular activities that draw his attention? One of our cats had always struck potential adopters as cold and stand-offish, and often seems to ignore his toys. But he does like to watch them out of the corner of his eye, and will request them by sitting pointedly on the rug where that activity takes place. He enjoys sharing some state of ongoing activity, even if it's just him sitting with his paws demurely under his special piece of bubble-wrap while I take apart and clean his remote-controlled mouse, or the Roomba which vacuums the mouse-clogging dust, and explain all this to him in subdued yet chatty tones.

Finally, some cats seem to be natural mousers, while others are natural birders -- his passion for moths suggests he's the latter. Have you tried toys with feathers, that swish through the air? If you think he wants prey he can eat, you might turn treats into toys, either by sending them skittering across the floor, or packing them into an empty toilet paper roll with feathered stoppers.

Best of luck!
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:15 PM on January 26 [10 favorites]

My skittish cat loves his food-dispensing ball. Feeding him his daily kibble only through the ball meant he quickly got the hang of it.

The window perch is a good idea, but be careful with bird feeders and such. My bird-loving, idiot cat first had a window seat looking out directly on a tree with lots of birds nearby. He wound up breaking the window glass through pouncing at temptingly-close birds on the other side. The bird window is now covered with blinds to keep overly exciting birds hidden. The cat now has a window seat overlooking the lawn, where he can watch pigeons from a distance but has no delusions that he's close enough to catch them.
posted by nicebookrack at 12:31 PM on January 26 [3 favorites]

Catnip toys. A cat is never mellower than after a good long dose of a catnip stuffed mouse toy to play with. Also Feliway rocks. If he's not already neutered then neutering can help.
posted by wwax at 1:08 PM on January 26

He is fixed.

And FWIW he's also "tame," at least in the sense that he'll hang out in the same room as us and tolerate being touched. It's just that, you know, sometimes I feel like doing something to brighten his fuzzy little psychotic day, and "skritches behind the ears" doesn't seem to be what floats his boat.

Going outside on a harness is a good suggestion, but it's Just Not Gonna Happen with this guy.

Feliway fans: is there any (non-anecdotal) evidence that it actually does anything?
posted by and so but then, we at 1:09 PM on January 26

Do you talk to him a lot? We have a visiting cat who came to us from an unhappy home situation, and who may also be feral. He was very scared and jumpy for months, but he's becoming more and more relaxed though he still doesn't want to be touched. A lot of what calms him down is conversation and a running commentary on why I'm walking past him and what I'm doing in the kitchen. There was a breakthrough last week: as he was walking past me, *he* said, "prrrrrut". He's never spoken just to make conversation before.

We're waiting our time to stuff him in the box and take him to the vet for a workup, so I'm reading this thread with interest.
posted by tel3path at 1:28 PM on January 26 [2 favorites]

My angry cat Pearl used to purr and roll around when she was in the bathroom sink. For a long time, until she was an old cat, it was the only place she could be happy. She also enjoyed sitting next to the sink and catching the water with her paw. Maybe your cat would find such a cool, bare place soothing also.
posted by Francolin at 1:35 PM on January 26 [2 favorites]

(Ha! Actually, ours enjoys the hell out of the bathtub.)
posted by and so but then, we at 1:53 PM on January 26 [1 favorite]

One of my cats is similar(not sure if he is part feral or not) and pretty much dislikes everyone but me. When people come over he will act friendly and rub against their legs, but I always tell people not to pet him because I am the only person he will let touch him, and even with me when he's had enough he's had enough. The vet told me that he gets overstimulated.

My other cat is his brother and they get along pretty well and play together. I've also lived with people with other cats and dogs before and my grumpy guy actually has done pretty well getting along with other animals.

He likes catnip toys and looking out the window, and I also talk to him a lot which he really likes but I think cats in general like that. Eye contact is also good...not staring him down, but looking at him non-threateningly when I talk to him. He responds well to that.

He also like the pet furniture.
posted by fromageball at 1:56 PM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Oh! Another good cat toy (which you may be able to get for free) -- you know how if you get a jug of milk, and you have to pull this plastic tab and a strip off from around the bottom of the cap when you first open it, and it leaves you with this curl of plastic?

Those rock the shizznit as cat toys. Zach loved those.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:07 PM on January 26

Feliway fans: is there any (non-anecdotal) evidence that it actually does anything?

There are some studies out there with mixed results. This DVM found it helped with urine marking, but this published literature review wasn't very encouraging. All I know is that its use coincided with a huge difference in personality with my cat, and we eventually started forgetting to refill it (watch out, the dry electric dispersers can probably start a fire), and don't need it any more.
posted by dhartung at 3:00 PM on January 26

Sounds like a horrible cat. Maybe some catnip would mellow him out!
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:03 PM on January 26

One of our cats loves loves loves it when we put a small plastic toy into the bathtub and let her bat it around. I once had some that were just flat, long pieces of plastic wound into spirals, and those were her favorites, but I haven't been able to find those particular ones again, and they're all long gone now.

The other cat loves loves loves it when we put old, stinky-with-mildew washcloths into the tub and let him rub himself all over them. Go fig.
posted by telophase at 3:09 PM on January 26 [1 favorite]

feliway did nothing for our psycho kitteh. nothing. and that's why i'm following this thread...
posted by ps_im_awesome at 3:43 PM on January 26

I'm skipping the other replies because I'm a little short for time, but you might want to check out some episodes of the Animal Planet series My Cat from Hell. Some very good advice there about problem cats. The guy who hosts the show is a trip, too.

It's been my experience that body language can make a big difference with cats. A lot of people look directly at the cat and try to relate to it like a dog, and that can be all wrong. Try sitting beside the cat and avoiding eye contact, just sitting casually and looking the other way. That can be reassuring to a cat, it's what they do when they want to establish that they're no threat to each other. Also, cats are big on blinking. Try looking at your cat and giving him a great big, emphatic blink, and then looking away. For cats, blinks are almost like kisses, it's a very friendly gesture. If your cat ever blinks at you, like he looks right at you and then does a big blink, definitely return the blink. He's trying to be friendly. Don't give up on him being affectionate. In my experience almost every cat is quite willing to give and receive love, but you have to establish a relationship with them.

As for toys, I wish I knew. My cat is too smart for most kitty toys, he loses interest after about 45 seconds. If you try a bit of shiny ribbon, like the kind gifts are wrapped with, maybe he'll go for that. Our cat can be interested in a ribbon for a while, but then he quickly gets bored and he has to have a NEW ribbon. He also likes to play in cardboard boxes, as long as they're NEW boxes.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:00 PM on January 26 [4 favorites]

Also to foster communication - look at the cat when he seems content - and sloooowly blink at him. He will be shocked and awed that you speak cat, and will blink back at you, turning his head a bit, and it will mean a great deal of affection.
posted by tatiana131 at 4:43 PM on January 26 [4 favorites]

Non-anecdotal evidence of feliway stuff: I work for a veterinarian and have read some of the scientific literature on feliway. It's synthesized from the pheromones that cats release when they're happy, so it will often calm down an unhappy cat. It doesn't work for every cat, though, so your mileage may vary. I would recommend trying it for a month just to see.

Disclaimer: it worked wonders for my cats with behavioral issues, so I may be biased. I could tell when the feliway ran out because the behavioral issues would return.
posted by faethverity at 5:02 PM on January 26 [1 favorite]

If he likes to swat at moths...I had a Boston Terrier who would snap at gnats and mosquitoes. He also went nuts over soap bubbles, the kind you blow with a wand. They even came in bacon and chicken flavor, but I don't think he cared about that. So you might try soap bubbles. It was hilarious.

(The bubbles did NOT taste like bacon or chicken IMHO)
posted by Fortnight Bender at 5:37 PM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Hand-feeding a cat is supposed to be a great way to improve the bond between you.

You can take your cat to a groomer or vet to have the silicone caps put on its claws. (Has to be redone as the claws grow out). Or, can you team up, wrap him in a towel, and have one person immobilize him by his scruff while the other trims his claws? We used to have to do this to grouchy-cat. This may damage his trust in you a lot, though.

Anecdata: we switched to a raw-meat diet because of the other cats, but grouchy-cat's behavior has changed for the better. Many raw-feeders will say they've seen "night and day" improvement in behavior with the diet change. Ours was more night-and-dawn, but still quite nice.

So, knowing that we feed our cats raw meat, hopefully you won't be too shocked at the next suggestions:

Buy him some crickets to kill and eat. You can get them at the pet store. I've read of someone who puts one cricket per cat in the bathtub, shuts the bathroom door, and lets them have their fun. Then cleans the tub, I suppose.

More bathroom grossness "fun:" give him a chunk of raw chicken to play with. We give our cats a piece of bone-in chicken-wing sometimes, and one of them goes crazy flipping it into the air and chasing it before finally eating it. Use the parts with the tiniest bones--it is safe for him to eat RAW chicken bone--and warm it up to "mouse' temperature using a bag and hot water, or the microwave on its very lowest setting. Clean the bathroom floor when he's done.

I think he's very likely going to love the crickets, but I'm not as sure about the chunk of chicken.
posted by Anwan at 9:30 PM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Feliway did nothing for my Mister, who is at this moment trying to stop me from typing by lying on my lap and swatting at my fingers. He didn't like it at all. Then again, catnip also does nothing for him and the laser pointer is just a dot on the the floor. He doesn't even seem to notice it. He does, however, enjoy the feeder ball and he'll sit for hours and watch the birds feeding on the feeders outside our windows. Not an active past time but he seems to enjoy it.
posted by patheral at 9:35 PM on January 26

You didn't post a pic (shame on you!) but if your cat has long, fluffy fur it is possible that the undercoat is getting matted and makes the cat uncomfortable. My MIL had a cat that was super grumpy until someone (vet? Groomer?) suggested a haircut to reduce matting, and the cat became much happier!
posted by radioamy at 11:28 PM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Ah yes, live crickets! I will periodically get ours a half dozen live crickets from the local PetSmart (just ask the nice young snake lady with all the tattoos in the reptile section, she'll know). They're like, less than a buck for a half dozen. Cheapest toy ever. Bring bag home, get out giant Tupperware storage bin (the clear kind that's about 10" deep that you'd store shoes in or something), empty crickets into bin, turn cats loose: PROFIT. I would use the tub, but the little guy is super paranoid of the shower curtain for some mysterious reason. Next time I do this I'll shoot vid and post it to Youtube, it is HILARIOUS (well probably not for the crickets, but they were always going to be somebody's lunch regardless).

Also raw chicken wings, yes. Justin's breeder actually recommended this to us. As long as the small bones are RAW, they are fine - they are soft enough to be digestible / chewable. I usually just tip the wings on my roasting chickens and throw the tips to the boys out on the patio. Our vet confirmed that this is probably one of the best therapies we can do for the older cat's weak teeth and resorption problems - gnawing/mauling at the tough bones / cartilage helps to strengthen the periodontal ligaments in his remaining teeth.

We are raw feeding both our cats, and one of the things that has positively affected the older cat was getting him off of dry kibble. He had major hairballs and GI issues which have since almost entirely vanished. We rarely ever deal with cat barf anymore, which, as anyone with cats can tell you is pretty striking, especially with 2 longhaired cats.
posted by lonefrontranger at 11:41 AM on January 27 [1 favorite]

Here's one trick that might scale back the viciousness ... oh wait! On preview, radioamy is correct. Unless your cat is Peter "flash your cameras and we eat them for dinner" Murphy, we are unauthorized to provide advice without first cooing over a photo of the tiny monster in question.
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:17 AM on January 28