Should I cancel my date?

January 24, 2013 7:54 PM

I arranged a date with one guy, then had another absolutely fantastic date in the interim, & really want to focus on that. Should I cancel the other date?

Backstory: Last summer, I had a great (& relatively long!) exchange of OKCupid messages with a guy we'll call Guy 1, who lives about an hour away from me. The exchange fizzled out, partly because I was leaving the country for a while & partly because he never asked me out. A few months later, I was back on OKCupid & both of us were single, so I re-messaged him and we made arrangements to meet up this weekend.

However, I also had two other first dates planned for this week. The first of these dates (with Guy 2) went AMAZINGLY, so much so that I'm actually a little infatuated. This is rare for me - I've never had a first date that went so well or had so much of a spark. When I went on the second date (with Guy 3), I had a ton of fun and really liked him as a person, but I kept thinking about Guy 2. I am definitely seeing Guy 2 again. Guy 3 wants to meet up again and I already feel bad about wanting to nicely reject him (normally I'd go on a second date).

However, there's still the looming date with Guy 1, and I have no clue whether I should cancel that or not. I'm normally super pragmatic about dating, and try to go on as many first dates as possible, but - again - I've never felt this kind of immediate connection before.

Reasons for cancellation:
- Guy 1 would have to drive more than an hour each way, since I don't have a car. I don't want to waste his time (it would be different if it were just a coffee date)
- I'm almost (though not 100%) sure that I won't like him more than Guy 2, and I don't want to lead him on
- Dating is stressful enough when I actually want to go on the date
- IF Guy 1 likes me, I'll probably have to go through another awkward rejection (worsened by the fact that I already anticipated it!) If he doesn't, then he's wasted his time anyway.

Reasons to keep the date:
- I really, really liked Guy 1 when we were first messaging, and I'm sure we could have a fun conversation
- I've only been on ONE date with Guy 2, & even though I like him a lot, I don't know where it's headed or if he's even looking for a relationship. (His profile says he's seeking short-term dating - no mention of long-term.)
- There's always a chance I'll like Guy 1 more
- (shallow, but:) There aren't many young, single, liberal guys in my area, & I feel like it would be dumb to pass up a date with one

(there's also the option of telling Guy 1 but offering to hang out as friends - but I don't know if that would be insulting.)

I am probably obsessing way too much over this, but I really can't decide. If you were Guy 1, what would you want me to do?

posted by littlegreen to human relations (19 answers total)

The ONE date factor is a big one for me. You really like Guy 1, so give him a chance... if Guy 2 ends up being incompatible, you'll regret canceling on Guy 1. You may have to reject him in the future, so what. Don't reject him in advance.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:05 PM on January 24 [7 favorites]

You've been on one date with this guy you really like. Maybe he wasn't that into you and you'll never see him again. Maybe you'll find out on the second date that he will never want kids and you do and hey, nice guy but total dealbreaker. Maybe you'll end up marrying him.

Point is, who knows. No sense shutting down your other options when you've only been on one date with this guy.
posted by DoubleLune at 8:05 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]

Keep all your dates. I've had dates I thought went GREAT! WITH A SUPER GRRRRR GREAT! Then, after the second date, I or they were all, "meh...okayyy thanks but yeah, bye."

You're not in a relationship, date it up all over the place. Try not to put so much pressure on it, think of it as dinner/a movie/coffee/whatever with someone to chat with for a couple hours and that's all. If it goes well, cool.

Also, try not to worry that you're wasting his time. He can decide not to go on the date too. You're not forcing him to drive an hour. Hang out, have a nice evening (or day, whatever), and don't let that guilt you either way. You're both adults, you both get to decide what you want to do. He wants to drive an hour to hang out? That's his decision.

But my vote is to keep all the dates.
posted by AlisonM at 8:07 PM on January 24 [17 favorites]

I'd keep your date - knowing you have other possibilities will help keep your anxiety about your 2nd date with guy 2 in check.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:10 PM on January 24

I would keep the date. You really like Guy 2, but do you know how he feels about you? I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic- it's usually not a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket right away,esp. before you know where others stand. I;ve learned this from experience of getting excited about people and projecting too far, then finding out they were not on the same page at all and getting hurt. Keep your options open at the beginning!
posted by bearette at 8:18 PM on January 24

If I were Guy 1, I would want you to keep this date. You haven't had a date with Guy 1 where you were just thinking about Guy 2 all the way through it yet-maybe Guy 3 is just a bad fit.

If it goes for Guy 1 the way it did for Guy 3 on the second date, at that point, as Guy 1, I would want you to not schedule any further dates with me.
posted by Kwine at 8:21 PM on January 24

I've had supermagical first dates that led to meh second dates, and had fantastic first dates where I was the #3 in your scenario and the guy chose person #2. You just don't know enough to know what's going on for him, so keep your options open and have fun.
posted by judith at 8:27 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]

- (shallow, but:) There aren't many young, single, liberal guys in my area, & I feel like it would be dumb to pass up a date with one

That's not shallow, that's important. Until I saw that point, I was leaning toward saying cancel the date. But since you put a high value on getting the chance to go on an initial date with someone who seems compatible, go for it.
posted by John Cohen at 8:27 PM on January 24

Keep all three dates. Relax and have fun. See what shakes out.

Rinse and repeat.

One, or maybe none, of these gents is Mr. Right. You can't know until you know each of them better and that takes more than one or two dates.
You're not wasting anyone's time until you keep a date with someone you are definitely not interested in.
posted by Pudhoho at 8:33 PM on January 24

Keep the date.
posted by unknowncommand at 8:45 PM on January 24

As always, the Metafilter hive mind is absolutely spot-on. I'll keep all my dates, & thanks to you all for the encouragement!
posted by littlegreen at 9:13 PM on January 24

What are you going to do if after a few weeks of dating, Guy 2 tells you he's not feeling it? Or just wants something casual? Then it would be really awkward to contact Guy 1 again, so yeah, I say keep all the dates until something gets exclusive.
posted by cairdeas at 9:18 PM on January 24

Just to add some anecdata to the keep all your dates pile:

I went out on several OK Cupid dates with a guy who I thought was perfect for me and just awesome and woo woo yay!

Around the same time I reconnected with a guy who (eerily similar to you) I had messaged but never dated months and months prior.

Decided to keep an open mind, and made a date with reconnected guy. Went into said date with an "anything can happen" attitude. A year and a half later, reconnected guy and I are moving in together. I literally cannot remember woo woo yay guy's name.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Keep your dates, and be sure to keep an open mind on said dates.
posted by Gonestarfishing at 5:41 AM on January 25 [1 favorite]

Keeping one's promises is important for one's karma. I'm glad you've decided to keep all of your dates.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:07 PM on January 25

Yeah, nthing to keep all the dates. My experience with OKC is that I deeply regretted getting caught up on one guy and canceling my other dates... then having the experience of things fizzling with that guy and having no dates. Nobody likes being an obvious second choice and the next time you are single, he might not be.

And to give my own anecdota, my Guy 1, that I reconnected with after awesome messages but no date an entire year later? No chemistry in person whatsoever. But hey, no regrets, either.
posted by sm1tten at 5:02 PM on January 25

Not only do I think you should keep your date with Guy 1, I also think you should go out with Guy 3 again if he asks. You had fun and liked him as a person! That's a huge success for a first date in my book and I wouldn't want to close that door. Keep seeing all three of these guys until you become exclusive with one or you become positive that they're not for you.
posted by whitelily at 8:08 PM on January 25

You just met #2. He may be a player or a chameleon, or conversely you two may be incredibly compatible, there's no way to tell at this point. The most attractive thing to a guy is a woman who is doing her own thing anyway, so why would you start closing doors when you've only just met him? Even if he doesn't realize you've stopped accepting new dates because of him, your energy will be a dead giveaway and you'll become less interesting. Lastly, you asked what guy #1 would want you to do. It's great that you're fair minded and the fact that you're agonizing over this means you're not a sociopath, but that's the wrong attitude to have in my opinion. This is about your dating life, and there's nothing wrong with taking care of your own needs first and foremost in life, especially when you're single. I think if you're a single young female the world is your oyster, so you should just enjoy dating and take a very casual approach to it until someone who you're truly compatible with comes along, and even then you should still remain in 'slow burn' mode. Dating's super exhilarating and we all daydream but make sure you stay level-headed and practical about it. Go on dates with all three, hell several dates with all three, 'only fools rush in.'
posted by OneHermit at 9:54 PM on January 25

Ooh, in my experience, listing only 'short term dating' is not a positive indication. I'd definitely keep options open until you touch upon that one, if what you're looking for is a relationship.
posted by namesarehard at 12:48 AM on January 26

-I've only been on ONE date with Guy 2, & even though I like him a lot, I don't know where it's headed or if he's even looking for a relationship. (His profile says he's seeking short-term dating - no mention of long-term.)

yeah, check in with him on this if you are wanting a long-term relationship. chances are he means what he says.
posted by wildflower at 10:46 PM on January 30