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Should I be pissed off / wary of my new boyfriend?
January 24, 2013 7:11 PM   Subscribe

I just discovered that my bf (official since christmas) had a party dec 1st at his house and didn't invite me to it. I found out b/c I just recently agreed for us to become fb friends (wanted to wait until it was official). We hung out on nov 30th into the day of dec 1st. He created the event on the 25th and never mentioned it at all to me. He also didn't mention it to me after the fact. The thing that really gets me is dec 1st when he was leaving my house he made up an excuse about having to do something that wasn't HOSTING this party. We weren't officially bf and gf at the time but were hanging out 2x per week and acting like it but both knew we didn't have the title. Plus we'd been dating for many months. Now I feel like I can't really TRUST him! Am I crazy for feeling this way?

Also, since we've been official I've had 2 other instances in which I felt like - should I believe this guy? one was when i saw red marks on his chest that I didn't put there (he bruises easily - like if I kiss him anywhere around his neck he turns red instantly) and last night I saw a condom packet in his trash bin. I asked him about it and he claimed he had cleaned up his room from the last time I was over (about a month ago) and found it. BUT then he proceeded to find some "trash" and cover it. He was not cleaning up the room before I mentioned it.

WTF!? I am giving him the serious side eye.

He's not a really flirty guy or player type. He appears quite genuine and sweet. He plans really fun dates for us all the time and is very affectionate with me, invites me to hang out with his friends at events, we talk about everything and have a great sex life; so Idk what to think.

Should I bring the party thing up to him and see what excuse he gives me? Should I just watch him and see if he gives me more reason to doubt his trustworthiness? Help!
posted by soooo to Human Relations (55 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Two things:

1) Generally speaking you should be able to talk openly with people you're in a relationship with. With that said, you do need to be an adult about the conversation and be willing to be be wrong, sometimes.

2) Trust is one of those things that is a core to a relationship at every level, if you don't trust someone, refer to (1). Respect is the same, and it's bi-directional. Respect your partners privacy, and set a very clear expectation of the kind of respect and honesty you expect.
posted by iamabot at 7:18 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


To me the fact that he didn't invite you to his party before you were in a relationship is kind of whatever. What gives me pause is that he lied about about it: dec 1st when he was leaving my house he made up an excuse about having to do something that wasn't HOSTING this party.

The condom thing is also really sketchy to me. I don't think you should get SUPER MAD!!!!! At least in part because when you get SUPER MAD!!!! it's easy for you to be dismissed as overreacting and flying off the handle over nothing. But if you stay rational it's harder to be dismissed. I would say just keep noting it when other sketchy things happen.
posted by cairdeas at 7:19 PM on January 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


There are many worse things to do than trust your instincts. But if you'd like more confirmation, maybe ask him about both things at a time when you feel like you can be calm about them? Just let him know that these things felt a little odd and you wanted to check in with him and see if everything was okay. His reactions to this should tell you a lot more about whether everything's on the up and up.
posted by WidgetAlley at 7:22 PM on January 24, 2013


My gut says that you are likely not his primary girlfriend.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 7:27 PM on January 24, 2013 [28 favorites]


Eh. The beginning of an exclusive relationship can be a really weird time. My husband and I, when we were dating and not "official", both did all kinds of sketchy shit. I would just not worry about it, unless it becomes a pattern.
posted by padraigin at 7:27 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Red marks are not a big deal. I get those from dumb stuff like the wrong kind of soap or an itchy collar. The condom thing is sketchy as hell to me. Can you tell who actually was invited to the party? If it's any people who sketch you right the hell out I'd say keep using condoms with this guy because your instincts are probably right.
posted by last night a dj saved my life at 7:27 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


The party thing is moot. He had a party, he didn't want to invite you for whatever reason, and you weren't together. It's an "ouch" but not necessarily a sign that he's shady in a way that will bleed into your relationship. The bruises and the condom, eh, I don't know. It kind of seems like you're shopping for trouble at this point. I'd say go forward with your eyes open. If you see more stuff you don't like, end it. There's no need to make a federal case out of things, even if you find out he is cheating on you (hope that doesn't happen!). Just wash him out of your hair and move on.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:28 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


I think much of this response to one of your previous relationship Qs still applies...

Stuff like "I found out b/c I just recently agreed for us to become fb friends" seems super game-playing-y to me, but for all I know it's normal for your age group. (What is your age group? That would certainly help with answering this.) It kinda sounds like you were playing games and so was he. Not a great start to a relationship, which...well, mysterious condom wrappers are rarely a great sign. I wouldn't be 'pissed off,' but I might carefully evaluate (1) your own behaviours, (2) whether or not you two are really a great match. The thing with the party suggests he wasn't seeing a boyfriend-girlfriend future and I don't know what the answer is to trying to reconcile that with him eventually rolling with that as the status quo.
posted by kmennie at 7:28 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Jeesus no! You're not crazy. Even if you weren't official BF/GF, you were friends for months and he chose to exclude you from his party? What kind of a friend does that? At best, it sounds really immature and insensitive.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:28 PM on January 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


It sounds like one of you is not that into the other.
posted by Sara C. at 7:29 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


I kinda hate these questions because I invariably feel compelled to answer, having known well, and once been involved with, a SERIOUS cheater.

So far, everything you state is red flag territory for me, even without my "special knowledge."

With my special knowledge? RUN.

Your question is bringing back past traumatic stress I experienced after my friend finally split from his long-suffering girlfriend, who eventually became, his wife.

He confessed ALL manner of craziness along the trajectory you describe after she finally left him for good, it was UNREAL. To this day, I wonder how many of our mutual friends would be loyal to him if they knew the depths of his deceptions.

The problem wasn't even the cheating. He was dishonest in every other way, too. Many of which I only connected the dots on after the friendship completely died.

You don't need a reason or to break up. You don't need to tell him what you know.

Don't tell him what you know. Just bail.

I think the reason my friend's ex stayed with him for almost 18 years (and him with her) was because with each "near miss" of getting confronted or caught, he came up with suchinteresting and plausible explanations. As a Liar, he LOVED upping the ante, I think she similarly must have enjoyed, or been caught up in, the "cat and mouse" game of it all!

Who was the "cat"? Who was the "mouse"??

That's a shitty dynamic.

RUN.
posted by jbenben at 7:30 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Hey, you had a party on December 1st and didn't even tell me. What's up with that? See what he says.
posted by bananafish at 7:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


I wouldn't have that much of a problem with a boyfriend hosting a party that I wasn't invited to (assuming it was the type of party I wouldn't be interested in, such as a boys' night or sports-related gathering) but lying about it is definitely not appropriate in an 'official' boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

And then the condom incident - eww. Your instincts are telling you that something is up. You would not have to be overly paranoid to conclude that your boyfriend may have invited someone to that party that he was interested in sleeping with, if not dating. Maybe an ex?

Guys who are cheaters don't always conform to the "player" stereotype. If they did, everyone could see them coming a mile away.

You should try to talk to him about it, but if you feel that he's lying (and if he is cheating on you, he'll probably lie about it) then it might be time to cut your losses and just break up with him. It's no fun to date someone that you don't trust.
posted by RubyScarlet at 7:33 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


The thing that really gets me is dec 1st when he was leaving my house he made up an excuse about having to do something that wasn't HOSTING this party. We weren't officially bf and gf at the time but were hanging out 2x per week and acting like it but both knew we didn't have the title.

Honestly, if you were spending that much time together maybe he just wanted some space or some time with some other friends? I'm in the pre-official dating stage with somebody and I've made up excuses not to hang out with her because we'd just spend a week together and are spending a weekend together. It sounds like you're looking for things not to trust him about.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 7:35 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


In the early parts of relationships there can be other things going on -- multiple people in the picture before the relationship becomes exclusive, for example -- and he may have had something like that happening in December. I think you should grant him some privacy and autonomy over that period of his life, and focus on his behavior since you cemented the shared understanding that you were 'official' and (presumably) exclusive.

With that said, a used condom wrapper in an exclusive relationship is super sketchy and these things together make me think that you are not crazy, there is a high probability there is something going on behind your back, and you should maybe have a conversation about the condom and see how you feel at the end of it. E.g.: "I find it really odd that this condom wrapper appeared in your trash, especially the way you covered it up when I pointed it out. I get a feeling that you're hiding something, and I want to trust you but it is hard for me to get past this feeling. Am I imagining things, or is there something going on that we should maybe talk about?"
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:38 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


The thing that really gets me is dec 1st when he was leaving my house he made up an excuse about having to do something that wasn't HOSTING this party.

What is he supposed to say, though? "Hey, see ya later. I'm having a party that you're not invited to." To me, etiquette calls for him to not mention the party to people that aren't invited to it. Maybe he invited another girl that he was seeing, since he didn't have a girlfriend at the time and he didn't want drama at the party. Holding him to a boyfriend standard at a time before he was your boyfriend doesn't seem fair, but that's just me.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:39 PM on January 24, 2013 [45 favorites]


Should I just watch him and see if he gives me more reason to doubt his trustworthiness?

No. Tell him you saw the event on facebook. Ask him why you weren't invited and why he lied to you about it. It doesn't have to be accusatory, just straight forward. I can imagine legitimate reasons. Maybe it was only for a certain group of friends, or he felt like it wasn't the best opportunity to introduce you into the friend group. That being said, he shouldn't have lied, but he might not have known how to handle it without hurting your feelings. If he gives you an answer that doesn't trouble you (night with certain friends, or whatever), just tell him that that's cool but that in the future, you'd appreciate that you were both honest with each other. Then drop it.

If your spidey senses continue to tingle, and you end up spending most of the relationship watching him closely for another screw up, then do yourself a favor and end it.
posted by murfed13 at 7:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


The party thing you need to talk to him about. The red marks are probably nothing.

As for the condom wrapper, you've only been dating exclusively less than a month. I think it's possible he had it lying around from beforehand and that he got nervous when you pointed it out because it wasn't really from an occasion with you and that was what made him want to cover it up. I wouldn't assume the worst.

I think if you're really friends with someone and hanging out multiple times a week, it's pretty weird that you weren't allowing him to be your FB friend. Maybe HE thinks you were trying to hide him from other people?? I mean being someone's Facebook friend is essentially meaningless these days... weren't you being a little over the top?
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


If someone was really excited about being with me, they would make sure to invite me to their party early, to maximize the chances that I wouldn't already have plans.

The condom thing would make every red flag I have wave like crazy.
posted by quince at 7:45 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Oh, my bad, I forgot the part where you weren't official at the time that he hosted the party. That's more easily excusable, but in combination with the red marks and the condom that he hastily covered up? It seems like you have good reason to be suspicious of him, and that doesn't make for any kind of healthy relationship.
posted by RubyScarlet at 7:51 PM on January 24, 2013


With all kindness and respect, you ask a lot of questions on here about relationships that suggest you think that your partner should be able to read your mind and that you should be able to read your partner's mind.

This is, in my experience, an absolutely terrible strategy for doing relationships. Another terrible strategy is making up rules in your head and getting mad when the other person doesn't follow them.

So. If you want to know why this guy didn't ask you to his December 1 party, you need to ask him, not us. And there is no actual rule that people have to invite everyone they're dating casually to every party they give, so set aside your sense of outrage (hurt is a different matter, reasonable to feel because it's never fun to be excluded).

And if you want to know if this guy is sleeping with someone else, you need to ask him, not us.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:58 PM on January 24, 2013 [42 favorites]


Should I bring the party thing up to him and see what excuse he gives me?

Yes, talking to each other about things that bother them is what adults in relationships do.
posted by Greg Nog at 8:02 PM on January 24, 2013 [41 favorites]


The party thing wouldn't bother me at all, fwiw. He was probably still sleeping around if you hadn't had the "we are exclusive" talk, and mentioning it and then not inviting you would have been really rude.

The condom thing... I don't know. If he's being sneaky he's doing a crap job of it, but if you don't trust him (for reasons other than not mentioning social engagements that happened before you were exclusive) I'd definitely keep an eye out for another few weeks. Basically, he'd be on probation.
posted by small_ruminant at 8:10 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Break up.

If you can't have a conversation about these sort of things, why are you even bothering?
posted by pompomtom at 8:13 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


To me the fact that he didn't invite you to his party before you were in a relationship is kind of whatever. What gives me pause is that he lied about about it: "dec 1st when he was leaving my house he made up an excuse about having to do something that wasn't HOSTING this party."

Actually that could be explained by his not having invited you to the party (too early in your relationship) and not wanting to rudely let you know about a party he was hosting that you weren't invited to.

The condom thing? The hiding trash? Actually those things are weird, and suspicious. You don't have enough info yet to jump to conclusions but you have every reason to keep an eye out.

I mean, at best, you're dating a guy who leaves used condoms lying around for a month! Gross OUT!!!
posted by tel3path at 8:15 PM on January 24, 2013


I'm not asking WHY he didn't invite me to his party. I'm asking for advice/if it is reasonable to be upset that he didn't invite me to his party and LIED to me about it pre-exclusivity and if I should even bring it up since we weren't bf/gf at the time.

I was thinking I should let the pre exclusive relationship stuff go bc I was dating other guys and considered myself single and he admitted to figuring I was after we became bf/gf. After we became official I asked him if he had been seeing other girls and he said no. And I can sort of relate to not inviting him to things for fear of overkill.

to clarify, we did use a condom about a month earlier at his place - and I was at his house yesterday and saw the empty PACKET (not a used condom) at the top of the pile in his trash bin so it is plausible but strange that he then proceeded to cover it w/ stuff (this is the part that made me feel weird). But I did ask him as soon as I saw it (in a calm manner) bc I was immediately bothered.

He had invited me to his house last minute (we went to an event after work and then he asked if I wanted to come over) and so I'm wondering if he be so stupid to have left it there and invite me over if he was trying to hide something? We had just spent fri night /sat together


I declined to be his fb friend until after we were together b/c I didn't want to be tempted.
posted by soooo at 8:17 PM on January 24, 2013


Totally reasonable to be upset. This is bizarre behavior and clearly there was someone at the party he didn't want you to know about. Yeah it's not technically cheating, I'd want a damn good explanation. Maybe his ex was there and he didn't want to cause drama with a girl he wasn't even official with yet, ok, but yeah I'd want an explanation.

And yeah that + condom thing I'd be suspicious as hell. One alone ok maybe I'll give you a pass, but both together? I'd want some answers.
posted by whoaali at 8:25 PM on January 24, 2013


I'm not asking WHY he didn't invite me to his party.

...and people are giving you possible legitimate explanations as to WHY it might not be reasonable for you to be upset...
posted by wats at 8:28 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


I think his explanations could be plausible. But at this point in the relationship there's no harm in cutting things off if everything doesn't feel right. It'll probably hurt you a lot more than him emotionally, which should be some consolation to you.
posted by Yowser at 8:29 PM on January 24, 2013


I know Wats, I was responding to sidhedevil's comment:

...So. If you want to know why this guy didn't ask you to his December 1 party, you need to ask him, not us. And there is no actual rule that people have to invite everyone they're dating casually to every party they give, so set aside your sense of outrage (hurt is a different matter, reasonable to feel because it's never fun to be excluded).

And if you want to know if this guy is sleeping with someone else, you need to ask him, not us.
posted by soooo at 8:31 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Good liars are skilled at appearing quite genuine and sweet. You don't trust the guy. There's nothing that fixes a lack of trust. Bail out now. This relationship is a dead end.
posted by 26.2 at 8:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


You could maybe be upset that you weren't invited, but it's not reasonable to expect him to tell you about a party when he's not inviting you, and you should try not to be upset over that part of it. "Hey I'm having a party and you're not invited" is poor form and can be hurtful to receive, and it's better to avoid mentioning the party at all or to deflect inquiries in order to spare the feelings of the non-invited. He perhaps could have been more graceful about it and said something oblique like 'I've got some stuff I gotta do today' instead of an outright lie, but these things can be awkward and I don't think you should hold this one against him.
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:39 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


I think Sidhedevil's comment is still essentially accurate. If you ask him about the party, that's the best way to judge whether it makes sense to be upset about it or not. If you don't ask him about it, you won't know whether there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for his behavior in not inviting you.

If you talk to him about it and he tells you why he didn't invite you, and it's logical, i.e. "it was all friends from high school and you wouldn't have known anyone there - I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you feel left out so I didn't mention it." that's a lot different than if you bring it up with him and he acts weird or cagey about it or doesn't have a particularly good explanation for not inviting you, a good friend, to this party.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


soooo writes "I'm not asking WHY he didn't invite me to his party. I'm asking for advice/if it is reasonable to be upset that he didn't invite me to his party and LIED to me about it pre-exclusivity and if I should even bring it up since we weren't bf/gf at the time."

It's not reasonable to be upset he didn't invite you to his party and the lie he told is the sort of social lubricant, little white lie people tell all the time to spare the feelings of others so is it also nothing to be upset about. Most people segment their friendships to one degree or another even if it is just making sure never to invite the two people in their social circle who hate each other to the same event. A person you aren't exclusive with is going to be segmented away from the other other people you aren't exclusive with in many cases.
posted by Mitheral at 8:53 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think you missed what I was getting at, which was that he didn't break any rules by not inviting you to his party. My apologies for I guess not understanding that you didn't care why he made that choice? I don't see why else you'd bring it up---even if you just said "I felt left out when I found out you had a party December 1" my guess is he would respond by explaining why he made that choice at that time.

As for giving a vague explanation at the time instead of saying "I'm going home to host a party to which you aren't invited" that seems like the gentlest of social white lies, not at all something about which you might decide not to trust him.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:57 PM on January 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


And again, you're looking for rules where there are only feelings. There's no rule about whether you "ought to" ask about a party your now-partner had back when the two of you were only dating casually. You have to do what feels right to you.

I'm afraid for whatever reason--quite possibly my lack of clarity--my comments read as antagonistic to you. Please know my intention isn't to be antagonistic at all. You just come off as so stressed out and unhappy in your relationship questions that I feel the need to be really direct about some habits of mind that it seems to me, based on what you share here, are causing you anxiety and pain. Apologies if my bluntness causes you further pain.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:06 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Go forward, not back. There's no point in going back. You've only been officially together for a month. Keep an eye on what his behaviour is like from now on.
posted by heyjude at 10:16 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


My most recent ex-girlfriend and I were together for two years, ended amicably and with no lies or dishonesty between us. The first month we were dating (December) we both coincidentally each threw holiday parties on the same day and didn't invite the other person. In fact, we both had crushes who we thought would be attending each our own parties. But before there is a committed relationship talk, no harm, no foul.

I've been broken up for a month, but if I brought anyone home today, they would find all kinds of sketchy stuff in my apartment if they were looking for it left over from the break up. Although, for what it's worth, by the time I am ready to bring someone home all that stuff will be hella gone or out of the way.

Really, I don't think there's much for us to go on whether or not he's cheating or whether or not you're being overly distrustful. In any event, distrust is a relationship killer so if you can't resolve your distrust it doesn't really matter whether he's cheating or not, the relationship will be DOA either way.
posted by Skwirl at 10:44 PM on January 24, 2013


The party, I think is no big. The condom, however? You said, we did use a condom about a month earlier at his place - and I was at his house yesterday and saw the empty PACKET (not a used condom) at the top of the pile in his trash bin so it is plausible.

Emphasis mine. I don't know that I find it plausible that something he used a month ago is still at the TOP OF THE TRASH and not way down at the bottom. Sure, it's possible he just found it - is he slobby? But it seems unlikely -- I have to take the small bedroom trash out like every 4 days. To me, this seems hella sketchy.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 10:56 PM on January 24, 2013


You're looking for reasons not to trust him. If you look hard enough, you will certainly find them.

If you tend to get cray cray and have trust issues in your relationship, it's probably best to keep it to yourself and see if there is really something to be concerned about, or if you are looking for a fight.

If you do not tend to have trust issues in relationships, you should probably decide for yourself whether or not you want to continue this relationships.

I don't think it has much to do with him. The party is totally understandable, for he was managing expectations. At that time, he didn't know he would still be with you now.

Two months is way too early for any kind of drama in relationships. If you're about to drop drama all up in a relationship at 2 months, than you really like drama. He'll either run away, or engage the drama, in which case you and he have something in common. Drama.

If you're having concerns now, decide if you're in or you're out. If it's the former, then enjoy it and stop worrying. If it's the latter, let him know appropriately.

(And I realise people should talk about their feelings and be open with each other, but it's a gradual process. It takes time. And if you have to ask if it's something you should do, it's probably to early. If the relationship makes it far enough, it just happens).
posted by nickrussell at 10:58 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


To be honest, it kind of sounds like you're setting this guy up to fail. Is there anything he can say that will make you feel better about being excluded from his party? You weren't an official couple yet - not even Facebook friends - but you've already decided that whatever he tells you will just be 'some excuse'.

You're examining his body for marks and questioning him about his trash* - whether or not he's cheating is almost beside the point. Staying together and being suspicious and angry sounds like a miserable way to live. If you don't trust him, don't waste your time looking for evidence, just move on.

*Maybe he's embarrassed that you busted him not taking the trash out for over a month!
posted by Space Kitty at 11:24 PM on January 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


About the condom thing, it's possible that the wrapper from a month ago got itself wedged into a corner/in the bed frame/behind the bedside table/etc in the way condom wrappers do and he only now fished it out. It's possible, but I can't say that it's necessarily likely.

In any case, you need to talk to him about it.
posted by lydhre at 1:19 AM on January 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


I found an empty condom packet in my room not long after I moved in - the previous occupant had obviously let it fall under the bed and forgot about it. My SO is not a suspicious person (and would have no reason to be) but I did for a second think that it would look a bit odd if a condom wrapper was sitting in my bin. However, if he had been round when it was there, I'd have told him how it got there, and nobody would think about it again. As it was, I got rid of it ASAP because, well, yuck.

So there could be an innocent explanation and he could have covered it with the trash because used condoms are fairly gross. But that's just my interpretation - we can't read his mind or tell you why he's doing what he's doing.
posted by mippy at 2:16 AM on January 25, 2013


Yeah, if you're a messy person (like me) those condom wrappers get into awkward places that rarely get cleaned.

And almost anyone pointing out that the condom wrapper was the top thing in my trash might make me cover it up. (Depending on whether I'm trying to appear classy, or just normal you-get-what-you-get.)

So you have a few data points which are suggestive but explainable... Which to me works out to keep your eyes open just like you always should in a new relationship.

The month old condom wrapper is worrying to me because it suggests that either you're long distance, which is always very hard, or you're not using protection--please use condoms, they're good things.
posted by anaelith at 3:22 AM on January 25, 2013


If you asked him about the condom 'in a calm manner' but also you did it immediately because it bothered you, your manner might not have come across as calm as you thought it did. That might be a reason he decided to cover it with other stuff: it upset you, he wanted to fix that.

Giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, I can think of all kinds of scenarios that would end up in the condom wrapper being on top of the garbage, even after a month. If you guys don't spend a lot of time at his place, but you meet at your place most of the time, he might be messier than you thought he was?

That aside, I agree with others that it sounds like you don't trust this guy and that that alone is a very valid reason to give yourself permission to break up with him. However, if you find that this thing about trust becomes a pattern (if every relationship you have ends after short time because of a trust issue), that's something to examine further.
posted by Ms. Next at 3:41 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


"We'd been dating for many months" before the party.....

This party: if it was a formal, sit-down dinner party (something with a limited guest list and limited seating), or perhaps a family-only event, then is would be understandable not to invite you. If neither, if it was a larger lots-of-friends thing, then wtf? Has he introduced you to many of his friends and/or included you in other events with his friends, or is he keeping a sharp demarcation between you and them? THAT would be a giant red flag.

The condom thing, especially trying to cover it like that, like a cat in a litterbox.....

He's almost certainly fooling around, and no matter what he tells you, he is not exclusively seeing you. Sorry, I have to agree with the people who say it sounds like you don't trust this guy --- but then, it sound like you have REASON not to trust him. Another giant red flag.
posted by easily confused at 4:38 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


So my wife saw a condom wrapper in the trash once which puzzled her, as she has an IUD, so she asked me about it. "Uh, is there anything I should be worried about?"

I hemmed and hawed and whatever because even though we've been married for years, fessing up that sometimes I like to have a condom on for a prolonged wank is weird for me to admit, though I did. I also then immediately buried the condom wrapper with tissues and other trash in the trashcan.

If that was my reaction to being "caught" by someone I've been with for years, I can only imagine the fury of awkwardness that would result from the same coming from the woman I've been with for a month, when in theory everyone is still on their best behavior.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:28 AM on January 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


And as for the party, when that happened, you were dating but not exclusive. He probably had another date at the party. You became exclusive around Xmas, so whoever she was, she didn't make the cut. Maybe it was him trying to make sure that you were the one, but you'll never really know unless you two talk about it.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:31 AM on January 25, 2013


Take it all in, and keep your eyes open.

It's not weird to feel upset about the party, feel what you feel, but don't punish him about it. There could be a bazillion reasons why you weren't invited, and he probably lied to spare your feelings. Don't think too hard about it.

The marks and the condom wrapper, concerning but not damning.

You haven't been together all that long and you still don't know each other all that well. Don't lose your head. If you like this guy and want to continue to be his girlfriend, then do that. If things start to feel weird, then break up with him.

If you're starting to feel strange about him now, aside from the condom wrapper and the marks, but just because you're not comfortable with him, then it's okay to break up with him. Not because you think he's cheating, or because he lies to you, but because you're not feeling it with him.

Give it a couple of weeks and see where you are. Either you'll let the past be the past and you'll be happy with him, or you'll start looking at him sideways and not trusting him, in which case, break up.

It really isn't that hard.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:25 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's not really reasonable to be upset about the party. You weren't exclusive at the time, you yourself were seeing other men and it's reasonable to think he was seeing other women. He lied because there's no polite way to say, "I'm having a party later that, for whatever reason, I don't want you to be at." Probably someone else he was seeing was there. If it bugs you, it bugs you, but there's nothing there to get very upset about. It's the sort of thing that happens when you're casually seeing more than one person.

About the red marks: No big deal.

About the condom packet: He covered it because you're still in the early going and he doesn't want you to think he's a slob - you're not at the sweatpants-and-farting stage yet. You know the guy, and you think his story is plausible, so there you go. If he were actually cheating on you, he'd probably have swept the room for any signs of it before you came over, because he'd be hypervigilant. The fact that he didn't even realize it was there until you came over suggests that he wasn't even thinking about it.

I mean I can't guarantee you that he's not cheating but I can't say he definitely is, either. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now, if only because this whole thing is going to be a shitshow if you don't trust him.

And for God's sake, talk to him about these things when they come up, if they're bothering you. Talk to him about the actual things that are actually bothering you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:01 AM on January 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


I really don't understand why so many people in this thread seem to think it is nigh impossible that the dude just recently found the condom wrapper and threw it out. This is a site where we have had someone talk about leaving a plate full of rotting fish under their bed for weeks at a time, ffs. A little square of plastic wrapping is easy to miss. It's also perfectly reasonable to be embarrassed when someone catches you having not cleaned under your bed/changed your sheets/etc in a month.
posted by elizardbits at 8:36 AM on January 25, 2013 [16 favorites]


I agree. Condom wrappers end up in weird and rarely cleaned corners. They're easy to miss.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:08 AM on January 25, 2013


I really don't understand why so many people in this thread seem to think it is nigh impossible that the dude just recently found the condom wrapper and threw it out. This is a site where we have had someone talk about leaving a plate full of rotting fish under their bed for weeks at a time, ffs. A little square of plastic wrapping is easy to miss. It's also perfectly reasonable to be embarrassed when someone catches you having not cleaned under your bed/changed your sheets/etc in a month.

Agreed. I unearthed one when my husband and I were packing to move. It was either from sex with me or sex with a prior partner (it was his house before we began dating), who knows. But I'm not concerned that he was cheating.
posted by amro at 9:32 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I really don't think any of the answers here about condom wrappers getting lost in corners and other MeFites lying to their pre-girlfriends because they don't want to see them too much are going to help you out. The party and the condom wrapper could be really really bad, or they could be totally innocent. We have no idea. What you need to do is talk to him-- say it bothers you that he hosted a party you didn't know anything about and that he lied to you about it. He will have a reason one way or another. You have to trust your gut about whether it sounds fishy or not.

The condom wrapper on the other hand, he has already given an explanation for, so if you feel suspicious it might be something to keep in mind but not something you can really grill him about.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:09 AM on January 25, 2013


If you weren't exclusive when he had his party, you're not really entitled to be upset about it, even though that is a little shady assuming you two were dating pretty frequently/seriously at the time. The marks on his body could be anything if he has sensitive skin. Now, scratch marks down his back or hickies.. that's entirely different. lol.

Address the issues you have with him calmly and logically when they come up and without leaping to conclusions or taking things too personally. If you don't learn how to communicate with him effectively now the whole thing is doomed.
posted by OneHermit at 12:22 AM on January 26, 2013


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