Is it still your business even though I left?
January 24, 2013 8:47 AM Subscribe
I split up with my wife a couple of months ago, and have been doing really well since then. Recently I've been feeling a little bit like she's been stalking me on social media, and today I've woken up to messages asking me why I'm in contact with someone from my past. How do I handle this?
(I've tried to anonymise this as best I can)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (45 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
- About 18 months ago, I realised that I was in, or at least close to, an emotional affair with a dear friend. I cut off contact with them (explaining why) and told my wife, saying that I thought we needed to get counselling to move forward. My wife refused counselling and told me that she forgave me the EA.
- Over the next 12 months, things got worse and worse between us. The arguments that we'd been having before my EA continued and intensified. The distance between us, which is part of what I now realise had lead me to seek comfort elsewhere, grew and grew. I kept trying to get us into counselling, but my wife continued to refuse, saying that counselling was just a nice way for me to break up with her.
- After an incident in November where she punched me in the face, I left. I packed up most of my things and moved into an apartment.
- My leaving seemed to trigger a huge change in my wife. She started getting counselling, as I'd been asking her to do, for her anger issues. She also agreed to go to couples counselling (we're on a waiting list). I am still living away from her, and have felt so much happier since I left that I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that I don't want to go back. I haven't yet told my wife thisI'm waiting for the counselling sessions because I don't feel safe doing it face to face on my own. My wife still holds hope that we'll get back together, but I'm more and more sure that that would only happen if I put all my feelings in a box and tried to ignore them.
- I realised a few weeks back that my wife has created accounts on all the social media platforms I use and has started following me on them: Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr and so on. None of these were things that she was interested in before we separated. I felt a little freaked out at first, feeling rather like I was being stalkedindeed, she sent me an email saying "Please don't think I'm stalking you"but I realised it was more that she wanted to connect with me in a way that she couldn't any more.
- A couple of weeks ago I started following the Tumblr of an artist whose work I liked. There was no identifying information on it, no avatar, just their artwork (it was a relatively new account). This week I saw that the avatar had changedit was my friend with whom I'd had the EA and with whom I hadn't spoken since. This left me in a quandary: I'd 'liked' her work on Tumblr, and I was following her, but I'd promised my wife that I wouldn't talk to her any more. I decided to sleep on the matter before deciding what to do.
- I woke to a text message from my wife asking whether I'd been lying to her about not being in touch with my friend; saying that she was confused.
Where do I go from here, MeFi? Do I cut off all contact again? That seems morally right but would make me unhappy - on the other hand, not cutting off contact would cause my wife pain and would make this separation a lot more painful than it was (it's true that all breakups suck, but I'd functioned really well through all the horrors of it until this point, which leaves me feeling just as wobbly and unsure as I did on the day I left).