How can I help my brother?
January 22, 2013 8:33 PM Subscribe
TL;DR: Brother has issues stemming from family religious background, need advice on how to help.
To be fair, this is a long read:
We grew up in a restrictive Indian Pentecostal household raised by two immigrants. My mom was a devout roman catholic from a young age and read the bible alot and went to mass, etc... When she went off to nursing school, she converted to Pentecostalism. Then she got married and immigrated. I don't really remember a lot about how she acted when I was 0-6 years old or so, but from what I remember she was extremely religious. She believes in all the charismatic stuff, like speaking in tongues/healing/prophecy. She would force me to "speak in tongues" with her and claimed she could prophesy. A lot of her friends would call her to pray over the phone and stuff. I saw a lot of crap starting to happen in the church we went to so I became really cynical. My mom would regularly get in fights with my dad.
Part of our childhood was spent in a similarly restrictive and isolationist church in the Midwest. We watched the people in this church (mostly extended family members and other ignorant people) argue, bicker, and split up over and over again. In fact, within our community, about 13 churches formed based on disagreements at various times over the years.
My mom accused one particular pastor of being demon-possessed. If my Dad or I tried to reason with her, she would accuse us of being demon-possessed as well. She would "rebuke" us and would ignore what we were trying to say. Our church had reserved time for members to give a "testimony" or basically talk about whatever they wanted to for a short time in the middle of the service. My mom would use this time to not-so-subtly blame the pastor or talk about an issue that she had fought with me about during the week. When the pastor would speak, she'd interrupt him by "speaking in tongues" and "rebuking" him. Eventually, that pastor was let go because of some trivial issues that were exaggerated into a scandal.
Afterwards, my mom continued to exhibit this illogical behavior in our family. She said stuff like church picnics were not holy, she wouldn't let me see friends. She'd accuse my dad's mom of being a witch and casting a curse on our family. At the same time, she would fast all the time. My dad would get angry because she wouldn't eat anything. She still does this and now she's rail-thin. She'd pray for roughly 6-7 hours a day while running a bible study. She would prophesy stuff to my brother and I about our future, none of it would come true.
The only saving grace that kept me sane during childhood was being able to read pretty much anything I desired since my parents were sort of ignorant in that respect. When I was in high school, I began to explore “secular” music and other stuff that expanded my view of the world and I became hungry for more. My brother sort of took after me at this point, but I felt some measure of guilt for exposing him to anything “worldly” so I sort of kept my “bad habits” to myself. Up until this point, my brother was quite emotional and threw temper tantrums since childhood. I left to go to college away from home (thank God) and really came out of my shell.
While I was gone, the church we went to disintegrated until there were no more young people except my brother and some much younger children. This stunted his social development. It was at this time that my mom prophesied to him about being a doctor. He is a very smart kid, mind you and I have no doubts he could become one if he wanted to but these prophesies sort of warped his mind at a young age.
He went away to college and started exhibit signs of instability like feeling extremely sinful if he looked at a girl “lustfully”. He ended up missing a lot of class because of a lack of motivation and eventually, when he came home on the weekends, he started getting violent and hitting walls. He was eventually diagnosed with OCD and currently takes medication. At the same time, he started going to this Christian church near campus. Here are some facts about this church: - I saw a fellow church member slap him in the head (non-jokingly) while we were video chatting - He goes to this church about 2-3 times a week and hangs out regularly with the kids there - Other kids in this church have similarly wasted their academic potential at university due to over-reliance on the church - There are a lot of super socially awkward people at this church and they may find some solace among similar people.
The pastor seems kind of shady because of the dedication he expects of his staff and members. My brother made one of these 2-year pledges. He is also heavily involved in this church, causing him to oversleep and shirk his other duties. His GPA and MCAT scores have shown this lack of focus even though I know he’s capable of much better. He applied to one local school and got outright rejected with the school stating that his application was uncompetitive. After trying to understand why, it turned out that he had a tough time getting science recommendation letters because he had not spent enough time building relationships with professors. He saw this as a sign that it wasn’t God’s will for him to be a doctor.
He majored in neuroscience and basically has no backup plan. Right now, he is about to graduate from college and he does not know what he wants to do. He outlined the following options to me: - Teaching (because apparently he likes helping kids) - Staying at this church for 2 years (with no real plan of how to make money ironed out, perhaps doing research on the side until he can take the MCAT again and reapply) - Apply to a caribbean med school
I tried to help him think through the pros and cons of this list multiple times and most recently, he had decided on applying to med school (either now, or in a year). When I called him a day or so ago, he was then leaning towards “honoring his commitment” to this church. This was about a week after he had left home and gone back to Unversity. When asked how he would make money and support himself, he said he’s still thinking about it. He’s been “thinking about it” for the past year basically.
I know that the crazy brand of spirituality he was exposed to was a key factor in these developments. My dad who is basically one of the strongest people I know is now super depressed. My mom has been a mess since this entire academic ordeal started with my brother. She thinks that he’s “away from God” and it was his will for him to be a doctor. At this point though, she is just pretty broken and an emotional/physical wreck.
This past Christmas, I was doing some work and in the middle of this, I heard yelling downstairs. When I came downstairs, everyone else in the family was fighting and it was almost to the point of fists being thrown by my brother. I yelled at everyone and told my brother that if he does this again, I would call the cops.
To summarize, I think religion has had a major influence on how things are playing out but there is no reason for my brother to act this way. I’ve tried to reason with him but he keeps thinking that staying at this church is the best thing because: - He believes in their mission - He gave them his word
I feel this church is manipulative and he is only prolonging his own indecision and analysis by doing this. I am beyond frustrated at the situation at home and I think my brother’s problems have seeped into everyone else’s lives. I have done my best to help everyone cope with this and have spent hours reasoning with him but no lasting change has come about. I have given up on changing my mom; she is in her 50's and has a whole family history explaining why she is the way she is. I also feel like my brother doesn't actually need the full dose of this medication but he's not taking any steps to wean himself off it. Furthermore, I think he probably doesn't really even need it; I think as a side effect, it's making him lethargic. What should I do to help my brother get out of this mess, reddit?
To be fair, this is a long read:
We grew up in a restrictive Indian Pentecostal household raised by two immigrants. My mom was a devout roman catholic from a young age and read the bible alot and went to mass, etc... When she went off to nursing school, she converted to Pentecostalism. Then she got married and immigrated. I don't really remember a lot about how she acted when I was 0-6 years old or so, but from what I remember she was extremely religious. She believes in all the charismatic stuff, like speaking in tongues/healing/prophecy. She would force me to "speak in tongues" with her and claimed she could prophesy. A lot of her friends would call her to pray over the phone and stuff. I saw a lot of crap starting to happen in the church we went to so I became really cynical. My mom would regularly get in fights with my dad.
Part of our childhood was spent in a similarly restrictive and isolationist church in the Midwest. We watched the people in this church (mostly extended family members and other ignorant people) argue, bicker, and split up over and over again. In fact, within our community, about 13 churches formed based on disagreements at various times over the years.
My mom accused one particular pastor of being demon-possessed. If my Dad or I tried to reason with her, she would accuse us of being demon-possessed as well. She would "rebuke" us and would ignore what we were trying to say. Our church had reserved time for members to give a "testimony" or basically talk about whatever they wanted to for a short time in the middle of the service. My mom would use this time to not-so-subtly blame the pastor or talk about an issue that she had fought with me about during the week. When the pastor would speak, she'd interrupt him by "speaking in tongues" and "rebuking" him. Eventually, that pastor was let go because of some trivial issues that were exaggerated into a scandal.
Afterwards, my mom continued to exhibit this illogical behavior in our family. She said stuff like church picnics were not holy, she wouldn't let me see friends. She'd accuse my dad's mom of being a witch and casting a curse on our family. At the same time, she would fast all the time. My dad would get angry because she wouldn't eat anything. She still does this and now she's rail-thin. She'd pray for roughly 6-7 hours a day while running a bible study. She would prophesy stuff to my brother and I about our future, none of it would come true.
The only saving grace that kept me sane during childhood was being able to read pretty much anything I desired since my parents were sort of ignorant in that respect. When I was in high school, I began to explore “secular” music and other stuff that expanded my view of the world and I became hungry for more. My brother sort of took after me at this point, but I felt some measure of guilt for exposing him to anything “worldly” so I sort of kept my “bad habits” to myself. Up until this point, my brother was quite emotional and threw temper tantrums since childhood. I left to go to college away from home (thank God) and really came out of my shell.
While I was gone, the church we went to disintegrated until there were no more young people except my brother and some much younger children. This stunted his social development. It was at this time that my mom prophesied to him about being a doctor. He is a very smart kid, mind you and I have no doubts he could become one if he wanted to but these prophesies sort of warped his mind at a young age.
He went away to college and started exhibit signs of instability like feeling extremely sinful if he looked at a girl “lustfully”. He ended up missing a lot of class because of a lack of motivation and eventually, when he came home on the weekends, he started getting violent and hitting walls. He was eventually diagnosed with OCD and currently takes medication. At the same time, he started going to this Christian church near campus. Here are some facts about this church: - I saw a fellow church member slap him in the head (non-jokingly) while we were video chatting - He goes to this church about 2-3 times a week and hangs out regularly with the kids there - Other kids in this church have similarly wasted their academic potential at university due to over-reliance on the church - There are a lot of super socially awkward people at this church and they may find some solace among similar people.
The pastor seems kind of shady because of the dedication he expects of his staff and members. My brother made one of these 2-year pledges. He is also heavily involved in this church, causing him to oversleep and shirk his other duties. His GPA and MCAT scores have shown this lack of focus even though I know he’s capable of much better. He applied to one local school and got outright rejected with the school stating that his application was uncompetitive. After trying to understand why, it turned out that he had a tough time getting science recommendation letters because he had not spent enough time building relationships with professors. He saw this as a sign that it wasn’t God’s will for him to be a doctor.
He majored in neuroscience and basically has no backup plan. Right now, he is about to graduate from college and he does not know what he wants to do. He outlined the following options to me: - Teaching (because apparently he likes helping kids) - Staying at this church for 2 years (with no real plan of how to make money ironed out, perhaps doing research on the side until he can take the MCAT again and reapply) - Apply to a caribbean med school
I tried to help him think through the pros and cons of this list multiple times and most recently, he had decided on applying to med school (either now, or in a year). When I called him a day or so ago, he was then leaning towards “honoring his commitment” to this church. This was about a week after he had left home and gone back to Unversity. When asked how he would make money and support himself, he said he’s still thinking about it. He’s been “thinking about it” for the past year basically.
I know that the crazy brand of spirituality he was exposed to was a key factor in these developments. My dad who is basically one of the strongest people I know is now super depressed. My mom has been a mess since this entire academic ordeal started with my brother. She thinks that he’s “away from God” and it was his will for him to be a doctor. At this point though, she is just pretty broken and an emotional/physical wreck.
This past Christmas, I was doing some work and in the middle of this, I heard yelling downstairs. When I came downstairs, everyone else in the family was fighting and it was almost to the point of fists being thrown by my brother. I yelled at everyone and told my brother that if he does this again, I would call the cops.
To summarize, I think religion has had a major influence on how things are playing out but there is no reason for my brother to act this way. I’ve tried to reason with him but he keeps thinking that staying at this church is the best thing because: - He believes in their mission - He gave them his word
I feel this church is manipulative and he is only prolonging his own indecision and analysis by doing this. I am beyond frustrated at the situation at home and I think my brother’s problems have seeped into everyone else’s lives. I have done my best to help everyone cope with this and have spent hours reasoning with him but no lasting change has come about. I have given up on changing my mom; she is in her 50's and has a whole family history explaining why she is the way she is. I also feel like my brother doesn't actually need the full dose of this medication but he's not taking any steps to wean himself off it. Furthermore, I think he probably doesn't really even need it; I think as a side effect, it's making him lethargic. What should I do to help my brother get out of this mess, reddit?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Looks like you meant to post this to reddit instead? -- LobsterMitten
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