of people describing ADD/ADHD symptoms, and reading the links, and feeling like they were describing my life, I got a really, horrid sinking feeling I might actually be ADD. It's kinda wigging me out and I don't know what to do.
For background - I've been being treated for um, 3 years now with anti-depressants after I eventually realised my capacity for coping was broken, and I needed help - I'm in england, so NHS. My GP is ok for the prescribing, not so good for the diagnosing or treating. I did go to a mental health specialist a couple of years back, which helped a bit, though the new meds helped more I think. I've been putting off going to see the psychiatrist for my depression for literally a year now. I um, will make that appointment at some point.
They haven't been that great (currently on 3rd med, high dose effexor XR), but they've taken the edge off the grey fog that sapped my will to live and slurped up all my emotion and happiness; and made just getting through a day possible. Up to now, I've been working on the basis that's a boss that puts my teeth on edge, and a high-stress, massively overworked, underpaid job. Though even though we've hired more people and spread the load, it hasn't really helped.
I'm 36, and pretty high up on IQ, as if that matters. I'm also a techie.
The description of being drowned in post-its with new info all the time rings so totally true. I've been through 4 different entirely unrelated topics just while writing this post in my head. It's like a whirlwind, a tornado of offshoots of thoughts - a buzz of electrons going off. I'm incredibly disorganised, completely. It's not that I don't want to pay my bills, it's just remembered to go through all the steps of actually finding them in the chaos, going to the website, putting in my credit card... Task managers last a few days at best, I have to-do's scattered throught a dozen places. If I get distracted - even getting reminded to do something on he way to do it - I'm sunk. I am a lazy guy physically, but I fiddle intently. I always have to have my keyring, or a pen, or chewing on the cap, or playing with paperclips. One of things about smoking is the lighter, the pack, always something to hand.
I'm a sponge of knowledge. I got called a walking encyclopedia as a kid. I still read the internet so much; TV Tropes, Wikipedia are deadly for me. It's always new tab, new tab, refresh, Ohh, haven't checked SMBC today. Oh wait, this looks familiar, I've already been here 3 times this morning.
Getting me to a meeting on time, or even getting off metafilter/bbc/slashdot/guardian/fmylife/etc and out the door in the morning to work is a nightmare. My parents joke about telling me to be there an hour before they actually want me, so when I'm 3/4 of an hour late I'm actually early. I'm fairly sure they're not actually joking. I struggled at school. So damn dull. So damn repetitive. I sneaked through by just bulk absorbing information, and regurgitate it later. THis came to a crashing failure at uni, and I flunked out. Twice. Turns out they don't care if you don't hand in your coursework, and you just fail.
I've wondered a couple of times if I might be adult ADD, but I can and do focus intensely on a thing I love. Playing a computer game I can literally lose hours of my life and it feels like 10 minutes. Watching Game of Thrones. Working on some complex bit of code, and then suddenly it's lunchtime. Or 7pm and I should have left two hours ago. I kinda love my type of job, because it's always so many random new problems all the time. Never ending. Something new, all the time. On the downside, actually finishing problems is hard. I get sidetracked, a new problem comes up, I see there's something related that also needs tweaking. I literally have job tickets that are 5 years old that are half-finished.
So I ca't be ADD, because I can and do focus when it's interesting. Escept I just found out about hyperfocus. And suddenly, being ADD absolutely fits. And explains a WHOLE TON of a lot.
People describing the quiet in their heads when they're on meds? Being able to focus and do mundane things, in a row, without feeling like you're pulling red hot pokers from your own flesh?
That sounds rather nice, actually. It certainly doesn't describe my life, ever, up to now.
OK. About 8 new subjects, things have been through my mind while writing this. Maybe more. I've deleted several bits on preview for swinging off topic.
Seriously. I'm kinda wigging out here, and trying to avoid giving myself hypochondriac symptoms by digging up more on adult ADD. Do I go see my GP? Go to the psychiatrist I'm supped to go see because I'm on high dose effexor and say 'actually, I wanted to find out if I have ADD'. Ignore it because I've survived this long? Get over myself because actually I'm just a normal broken-down depressed person, and everyone feels like they have butterflies in their head all the damn time when they're not focussed on something like their life depending on it?
You guys helped me out last time when I finally cracked, and went for help over depression.
Please be gentle...