promising new relationship has taken a disturbing turn
January 15, 2013 5:13 PM Subscribe
As an update to this thread
, I'm crazy about my new boyfriend (mid twenties) but he is riddled with issues and may not even be straight. I am entirely torn about whether to keep seeing him, and I'm hoping that input from the hivemind may nudge me in one direction or the other.
posted by anonymous to human relations (35 answers total)
I know him a bit better now than I did when I wrote the last thread and some of the things he's told me in the last few days have been downright scary.
For background we've only been together for a few weeks but we've already kind of fallen for each other; he told me recently that he is in love with me and feels incredibly lucky. He is brilliant, talented, refreshingly affectionate compared to past boyfriends, and just generally adorable -- he cooks for me and surprises me all the time with new books to read. We feel right together.
He is only 23 but had a five year long, serious relationship with a girl before me that sounds like it was pretty stable. She broke up with him and he was crushed but they remain friends. I can tell he is a very giving person -- he's a bit of an over-extending people pleaser, and his friends all speak highly of him but acknowledge that he has problems.
He had a horrific childhood and is now struggling with the remnants of it -- depression and drinking (he's in AA). He finally opened up to me about it the other night. Here are some things he's told me about his past. Once as a little boy he got sick in the car on the way home from an amusement park and his father pulled to the side of the road and beat him. His older brother repeatedly raped him when he was between the ages of 8 and 9.
He is very close to his mother and says he'd take a bullet for her.
So the first part of my question: Is it unrealistic for me to hope that he might be capable of a healthy relationship right now? I have no problem being with somebody who is depressed -- as long they treat me well -- and will gladly do it again, but are these wounds too deep to heal? He is not currently in therapy because he doesn't have healthcare but he's signing up for a plan at the moment.
This is the second part of my question. I've had concerns since we started dating that he might be closeted. It's a combination of things -- most people who meet him assume he's gay, he mentions having "guy crushes" on different celebrities occasionally, and the fact that he seems uncomfortable with sex. When he attributed his sexual discomfort to the abuse, I still had some lingering doubts and I'm not sure why. I felt selfish for feeling this way. I knew that after he told me about his abuse it would be difficult to broach my doubts about his orientation without hurting him, but I felt I had to because this fear was threatening to erode my trust.
So finally last night an opportunity arose when he was mentioning that a friend of his had assumed he was gay at first. I asked him if he ever had any doubts about his orientation. He insisted that he doesn't but also told me that a year ago he dated a guy briefly and it didn't work out. Here's what he told me: the reason it didn't work was because he couldn't bring himself to have sex with this guy due to what happened with his brother, the farthest he went was going down on the guy and it was the most revolting thing he's ever done, he has no desire after that experience to date a guy ever again but he does sometimes feel attracted to guys, he only looks at straight porn.
Also, he's had sex and relationships with a number of women since he was a teenager and does talk about his past crushes on women frequently. He gets visibly aroused when we make out and loves going down on me. For the record we also live in a very liberal town and he has some gay friends so it's not as if he would lose his community if he came out. I raised the possibility that he might be bisexual and he said that he's not because he doesn't have any desire to date a guy again. After he told me all this I felt sick to my stomach and numb. I would have actually felt better had he told me that he was bisexual but the fact that he insists he's not yet he dated a guy makes his sexuality seem like a wild card.
I told him that I once dated a guy who turned out to be gay and it really crushed me and he said, "I'm not gay!" and "believe me if anyone is going to be left hurt by this it will be me."
I just don't know what to do with this. After this conversation we were lying in bed and it was like I could see all our potential disintegrating before my eyes. I feel so sad and I'm just praying that I'm wrong and it can still work out between us.
What are people's thoughts on this?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request-- LobsterMitten