Should I ask this guy out?

January 13, 2013 3:32 PM

And is it weird to ask someone out via social website message?

So I went out tonight to this social event - well, kind of a social event, it's a "language cafe" type deal. I live in a foreign country, and basically the idea was to get together and speak the local language for the night. Talked with a number of people, but ended up chatting mostly at the end with one of the locals, a really cute guy about my age. I kind of want to ask him out for coffee sometime, but my hangups are

) Is it weird to do this via messaging from the website the activity was listed on? I feel like I should have worked up the nerve to just ask him for his phone number or something in person, and since he didn't ask for mine or anything I dunno if he has any interest at all

2) Ack! What if he says no and then I run into him again at another event?

3) Should I maybe wait to see if I see him at another event and then try to chat him up again in person instead? I am not sure that I will see him again anytime too soon - I am not going to be in town for the next two iterations of this particular activity.

Have you ever met or dated someone from a similar situation? I'm going to admit that I'm pretty inexperienced on this front and am a bit wary of rejection (largely as a result of some hangups from previous unrequited affections situations). Plus, I dunno, is it normal to scope out random people you meet like this? I find myself doing this all the time lately, and it makes me nervous that I come off as kind of creepy. For example, I really just wanted to talk with this guy most of the night and found myself kind of focusing in on him and eventually ignoring the other folk in the room. I tried to be inclusive in the conversation, but somehow it ended up being the two of us. Okay, yes I am a bag of anxiety, but please humor me.

posted by thesnowyslaps to human relations (7 answers total)

1) No, go for it.
2) You'll live.
3) Also a great option.

This is a win win. Just ask.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 3:36 PM on January 13 [7 favorites]

^^^^^ was about to post the same thing. Just go for it!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:41 PM on January 13

1) Is it weird to do this via messaging from the website the activity was listed on?
No.

I feel like I should have worked up the nerve to just ask him for his phone number or something in person
Too late. Let it go.

and since he didn't ask for mine or anything I dunno if he has any interest at all
Only one way to find out.

2) Ack! What if he says no and then I run into him again at another event?
His loss.

3) Should I maybe wait to see if I see him at another event and then try to chat him up again in person instead?
Passive approach reduces probability of interaction...

I am not sure that I will see him again anytime too soon - I am not going to be in town for the next two iterations of this particular activity.
...especially given that scenario.

Have you ever met or dated someone from a similar situation?
Back in the day, all the time.

a bit wary of rejection
Most of us are.

Plus, I dunno, is it normal to scope out random people you meet like this?
Yes, it is.

I find myself doing this all the time lately, and it makes me nervous that I come off as kind of creepy.
Talk to your friends about it. They do it too. It's okay.

For example, I really just wanted to talk with this guy most of the night and found myself kind of focusing in on him and eventually ignoring the other folk in the room. I tried to be inclusive in the conversation, but somehow it ended up being the two of us.
You wanted to talk to him, so you did.

Okay, yes I am a bag of anxiety, but please humor me.
All good. Go make it rain.
posted by nickrussell at 3:42 PM on January 13 [16 favorites]

If you don't go for it, you might end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van, down by the river.
posted by Nomyte at 3:47 PM on January 13 [12 favorites]

(1) Absolutely not weird at all! I'm currently dating someone who asked me out precisely this way through Meetup. It's going swimmingly. :) I will say, too, as the person on the opposite side of your situation, it is totally flattering to be asked out, no matter the medium. I literally shouted out loud in excitement when I read the message! Sidenote: it is nice if you make it clear that you are asking for a DATE, not just a friendship thing. You could use that word in particular, but you don't have to - the person who asked me out said something in that first message along the lines of "I wanted to ask for your number last night but I was too shy," which got the date idea across and was also kind of endearing since I'm a fairly awkward and shy person myself.

(2) What These Birds said. Plus, people don't always show up regularly to these sorts of events, which leads me to...

(3) Also a possibility, but seeing as you already know you'll be missing the next couple times, I would go with option 1 instead. You'll get your answer much more quickly.

Also, your bonus question: Yes, totally normal, and almost certainly not creepy, considering you carried on a conversation with this guy and he apparently wasn't trying to literally run away at the first opportunity. I am also often a bag of anxiety, and prone to overthinking things, but from what you've said it here it sounds like perfectly normal interest in a cute person.

Go for it! I bet you'll be glad you did. At the very least, you'll get a bit more experience, and in the best case, you'll end up with a great relationship.
posted by sigmagalator at 4:13 PM on January 13

i would take into consideration how dating works in the country you are currently living in. i don't know if you are american, but generally americans tend to be forward and direct. in some countries this may not be the way things are done and so may not come off as well. for example, i've heard that in france younger people hang out more in groups to get to know one another before becoming a couple. they don't really do dating one-on-one like americans do to initially get to know the person. so, consider your context and find out the dating mores of your country if you don't currently know them.
posted by wildflower at 4:43 PM on January 13 [4 favorites]

I've approached and been approached by men in exactly this situation -- a language exchange night in my non-native country. Most of the time the reason given for getting together outside of the event is to continue to exchange languages, so it's perfectly natural to suggest getting together for coffee to practice some more. You could do that in person or through the site without worry. It's a normal thing. If groups are more common where you are, you could invite one or two more people along.
posted by ceiba at 7:02 AM on January 14