Hey future in-laws - wanna host our wedding?

August 29, 2005 8:51 AM

Is it ok for a couple to ask the groom's grandparents or parents if we could hold a small wedding at one of their homes? If so, what's the best way to ask?

My fiance and I are planning to get married in autumn 2006 but have a very tight budget. I had always planned to get married at my parents' home in New York, which they sold last year, so that's obviously not an option anymore. My dad & stepmother had been married in that house and pulled together a very beautiful and fun wedding for well under $5K, which is something I would like to copy - I just can't justify spending more than that on a single day.

That being said, my fiance and I both think we could do something similar at either his grandparents' home or parents' home on the east coast (since all our families are on the east coast except my parents who are now in AZ), but since as the bride they know I am doing all of the planning, I am afraid that if we ask it might be putting them in a difficult position or make me look pushy & demanding. His other brothers are married and his family had been pretty uninvolved with both of those weddings from what I can tell.

Is it wrong for us to ask them if we could do this (obviously we would deal with the catering, decor, and cleanup), and if not what is the best way to ask?

I am always anxious about appearing rude, so I hope I'm just overreacting. The plan is for a small combination ceremony/reception of about 50-60 people tops.

posted by catfood to Human Relations (12 answers total)

I don't see anything at all wrong with asking. Just as there should be absolutely nothing wrong with them saying no, if they don't feel they can do it.
posted by Pollomacho at 8:58 AM on August 29, 2005

Nope, nothing wrong. Have him ask.
posted by cribcage at 9:20 AM on August 29, 2005

For all you know, it might totally delight them to host your wedding. Never hurts to ask.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:30 AM on August 29, 2005

Might be a great request to put in a handwritten letter - gives you the chance to tell them how special they are, how much it would mean to you, etc. That also gives them the opportunity to think it over without feeling on-the-spot.
posted by SashaPT at 9:45 AM on August 29, 2005

Nothing wrong with it, provided you do it tactfully. Compliment their place. Put it in writing.

Or you could cop out and have him ask.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 10:03 AM on August 29, 2005

We got married at his parents' place - I can't remember if I asked or they offered! 80 people, under $5k, fantastically good fun. My mother-in-law was a champion all through, working tirelessly and utterly thrilled to be hostess.

It was perfect.
posted by rdc at 10:34 AM on August 29, 2005

Thanks everyone for your responses so far ... I guess maybe I was overreacting thinking it could be rude. We'll ask nicely of course and do our best to make it easy for them to say no if for some reason they are against it.

rdc - Your wedding sounds wonderful. I love the idea of a homemade wedding so much!
posted by catfood at 10:39 AM on August 29, 2005

It is, in fact, a classy tradition to have a wedding at the home of the groom's parents or grandparents. (A contemporary example would be Steve Martin's Father of the Bride.)
posted by waldo at 11:08 AM on August 29, 2005

waldo is absolutely correct. I would, however, caution that bringing up that particular movie as an example when asking the families in question might not be the best idea, because the wedding in the movie is anything but cheap and causes much chaos at the house where it's held.
posted by cerebus19 at 11:58 AM on August 29, 2005

Thanks guys! Yeah, I recall calculating the cost of the wedding in FotB with my college roommates one afternoon based on the prices mentioned and it was over $100K. Definitely NOT my price range!

We want this to be intimate, fun, and low-stress for everyone - we'll take care of the catering, decor & all that - we just need the space. I guess we'll have a conversation with them the next time we all get together to ask them to think about whether it's something they would consider and give them time to mull it over.
posted by catfood at 12:08 PM on August 29, 2005

You might want to add professional house cleaning (before and after) to the budget, and tell them so, to reassure them that you don't really expect them to suffer any burdens at all. They might worry about those little details of normal party hosting that you don't want them to.
posted by dness2 at 1:33 PM on August 29, 2005

I would emphasize that you love their home, want to emphasize & respect family ties, and any positive and true statements that will make them feel good. Do think about how you'll feel and what you'll do if they say no. For any number of reasons it might not work for them, and there shouldn't be any bda feelings.
posted by theora55 at 3:52 PM on August 29, 2005