How do you salvage a friendship when you feel need to talk to someone but feel like there's no point as when you've asked to talk to that person about the pain they've caused you they've said they need space. Then when you try to express yourself via email (yes I know it should never be done) they respond with a vitrolic email. Or is it worth trying to salvage the firendship?
I apologise for posting this so soon after this question
, however my question is about a specific incident and friendship. It's helped reading this question, however I'm slightly different in that I need to talk rather than have space. It is related to the person in my first question, and yes I'm aware my last question was a bit daft, I wasn't in a very good place.
So my best friend and I had a relationship but split up. I was happy being friends with him but equally still loved him. A few times we got carried away but each time I dealt with it and we reaffirmed our friendship. I didn't blame him or get angry at him for those times as I thought we were both to blame as neither of us said anything. I repeatedly told him that as I still loved him I couldn't be casual with him. I was fine being friends and holding hands and hugging, but I couldn't kiss him or do anything else as it upset me.
Fast forward to before Christmas. We'd been flirting for a couple of weeks and we got carried away again. On Christmas Eve we agreed we were just friends and that it wouldn't happen again. I re-stated that I couldn't be with him casually. So I thought that was sorted. We had a lovely day together as friends on the 27th and agreed to see each other next at work.
On New Year's Eve he sent me a text asking what I was doing on New Year's Day. We agreed to meet up and do something. The next day he arrived and the way he was behaving towards me was much more intimate than normal. He told me that the night before and that morning he'd decided he wanted more. We spent a few hours on the sofa kissing and him saying very romantic things. This time I did actually say something and asked him if this meant he wanted to date me. He said that he did, as I loved him and trusted him I believed what he said. Obviously things continued and we had a lovely time together.
The next day at work we were talking, I asked him when he'd next want to go on a date, and mentioned other things to him. When we finished work we ended up sat in my car in the works car park. At this point he told me that he'd made a mistake, that he didn't want to date me as he still wanted children. That he didn't want to mess me about. Obviously as I was sat in my car at work, where all my co workers were walking past on the way to their cars, I didn't feel able to cry or get upset. I was cold, tired, feeling very self concious and uncomfortable. I asked if we could go back to my place to talk but he wouldn't go. I was in a situation where I couldn't process everything effectively. I was deeply hurt, but couldn't really express myself at the time due to the situation and knowing people could see me.
I asked him if we could meet up on the Friday as I was deeply hurt but didn't want to lose the friendship we had. I knew I'd need to spend time with him to try and get over the pain. I thought it was agreed upon as I mentioned a time. I joked about him buying chips for tea and he said he would (I'd had no intention of letting him as it was just a joke), so because he said that I thought it was going to happen. Fast forward to Friday and I was feeling even more upset and knew I needed to talk to him in order to get over the pain and feelings of hurt. I mentioned about him coming over again and he said he couldn't as he needed to make some phone calls and that he needed some space.
This made me feel even more hurt, I understand some people need space to process when they've been hurt. However he hurt me then refused to meet me or talk to me. To me this feels more like a punishment to me for being hurt. He's also the type of person who gets upset and angry at himself for hurting others, so I'm left feeling like I need to comfort him when I'm in pain. Because I couldn't talk to him when I needed to I ended up emailing him (yes I know it's a terrible idea) as I needed to express how much he'd hurt me and how him refusing to talk to me upset me. I spent an entire evening writing an email to him, however I deleted it as it mentioned things that had happened in the past. As my issue was only with the New Years Day situation and the withdrawing. Unfortunately a friend who read my email said it made me sound like a victim, this wasn't my aim, however by this point I'd been up until 4am the night before and was so tired and upset I was struggling to think straight. However I'd had a friend check read the email to make sure it didn't sound too bad (a different friend to the one who said it made me sound like a victim).
My friends reaction was to reply with a very angry email filled with vitrol, there was an initial apology quickly followed by him saying that it was both our fault, that I knew he wasn't certain (again I trused him so believed what he said wholeheartedly as the way he was behaving towards me showed no doubt) that what I'd written had really upset him and that I'd obviously never forgiven him for the past things and needed to let go of my past. Now yes my past relationship wasn't great but when I started dating my friend I chose to let go of all my old issues, also if I'd not forgiven him for the things he'd done in the past that upset me then I wouldn't have still trusted him.
Still I tried to reply to the email but every time I tried to respond to points I felt myself getting more and more upset and angry that once again he'd made it about himself. In the past he's hurt me then when I've tried to explain how I feel he'll interrupt me and say "It's hard to say how I feel". Yet when he's telling me how he feels if I start saying anything he tells me not to interrupt him. In the end I just decided that I couldn't respond to the email as I couldn't do so without a lot of pain and was at risk of saying something nasty. So I decided to end the friednship, I sent him a text apologising for any pain I may have caused him by my email. I then said that due to how vitrolic his email was that I didn't think I could be friends anymore. As having him react to my expression of pain with such anger (and excessive exclamation marks lol) upset me and made me feel like he wasn't willing to allow me to feel upset.
His email made it seem like he expected me to have gotten over it all on the Wednesday in the car, just because he apologised and I said "I'll be fine" because he was getting upset because he'd hurt me. I'm also left feeling like I'm not allowed to talk about things ever again, as if I talk about them then I'm obviously still angry at him about it. However it can take time to fully realise the effect something has and to work through it. Also he was bullied at school and it took him over quarter of a century to get over it and stop hating the person who hurt him.
He then emailed me the next day. He did apologise in a way that was slightly less angry than the day before. Part of what he wrote was "Maybe I did seem very harsh in my e-mail yesterday, and obviously you were justified in getting angry about last week, but all I was trying to say was that I know how much it must have hurt you, as it also had an affect on me too - (merely to point out that you are not the only one who felt badly about what happened).
It was something that wasn't planned - Tuesday should never have gone as far as it did, respecting the fact that were only supposed to be 'friends'. I tried to tell you in my e-mail yesterday, that I was angry at myself for letting things get out of hand, (and I knew on Wednesday how much it had hurt you), and I could not sort it out in my head, so I needed some time out to sort out my feelings. It is not all about me! It is about you also, which is why I didn't want to go to your house, as it would have brought back the painful memories of what had happened. I know you wanted to talk, but I felt so badly, that I felt it was not the right time to talk about it - and that some time out was needed, to clear both our heads."
The thing that gets me is he keeps implying that I was angry at him, I'd never been angry at him just hurt and upset. He's the one who gets angry. And he says he knew I wanted to talk but he didn't want to.
I ended up calling him on Monday evening and talked on the phone a bit. It cleared a bit of air but not much. We spoke at work a bit trying to regain our friendship. However unfortunately I made the mistake of re reading his email yesterday, as I wanted to read it when I was feeling happier to ensure I hadn't misread it and gotten upset for no reason. Unfortunately it just made me feel down again and makes me feel like I can't talk to him.
At work today I was quiet and reserved around him and keeping my distance from him as I just wasn't sure what to do. All day I kept thinking "what's the point?" He actually asked me if I was ok and said that if I wanted to talk to him I could. This just made me feel even worse. As I feel like, yes, I can talk to him if it's not about him, but if it's about him and I say anything he'll get angry and not fully listen to what I'm saying and berate me for not being over it by now. So what's the point in talking to him. Yet I still want to be friends with him. The only way I can do that is by talking to him about how the last couple of weeks has hurt me and knowing that he understands and listens to me without interrupting. Yet I feel like that's not going to happen, so although I want to reach out and ask to talk to him I'm not as I'm scared to be hurt again.
Now part of this reluctance is due to my past relationship. My ex would make me promises then break them. Because I'd been looking forward to something then been told that he didn't feel like it I'd be disappointed and would be a bit quiet. He'd ask me what was wrong so I'd tell him I was just a bit disappointed, at that he'd get angry at me for being upset. So obviously this situation has made me feel like I did in the past, I don't want to end up in a similar situation as I did then. So I'm just not sure whether to bother to try to salvage the friendship or just tell him once again that I feel the friendship is now untenable.
Obviously this is just the bad stuff that's happened in the last two weeks. We've had some amazing times together and we get on like a house on fire. However I'm struggling to remember the great times as I can't get past the bad time without talking about it and re affirming our friendship.
God I hate all this drama lol.