Is my boyfriend gay?
January 4, 2013 1:45 PM Subscribe
Am I being paranoid for worrying that my new boyfriend is gay? Also, is there a delicate way of broaching the topic or should I avoid it altogether?
posted by anonymous to human relations (64 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I just started a new relationship with a guy I've known through work for awhile but never got to know closely. Maybe I'm an asshole but when I first met him I thought his speaking style and mannerisms screamed gay. Usually I'll hold off on judgment but in his case the impression was so strong that I didn't even question it at first. Sometimes I get uneasy when I have to work with straight guys because of the sexual tension, and I remember thinking to myself when we were introduced, "good, he's gay, I can relax." Other people I know also thought he was gay at first. So I was surprised a couple of months in to hear him mention an ex girlfriend.
Recently he confessed he'd been harboring a crush on me for awhile, and he asked me out. I was thrilled because I liked him too. He seems very smitten with me -- he tells me constantly that he adores me, calls me beautiful, says he feels so lucky to have me, when we are together he can't keep his hands off me, other people who have seen us together have said, "he is clearly falling in love at break neck speed." He is the one who initiates most of the physical stuff -- he was the first one to kiss me. We are already in a committed relationship even though it's early, something he and I both wanted. I'm totally crazy about him, but I keep having panicky thoughts that I'll discover he's closeted.
Sex seems to make him uncomfortable. After our second official date we wandered back to his place. We started making out and he seemed very into it or so his hard on suggested. But he got uneasy when things moved in the direction of sex. He told me it was a little too soon for him so we both got naked but didn't go further. The next date we were in the same situation. This time he told me he felt torn because he wanted to have sex with me and was horny but it was important to him that it be "real" and "meaningful." He started touching me down there and then took his pants off and put himself inside me. After about a minute he pulled out and said he was too tired to continue. We are going on our fourth date tonight.
Other relevant info. He is 23, had been in a long term serious relationship living with a girlfriend previous to this that ended two years ago (she ended it, he was crushed). He told me he had been celibate since that relationship ended because he was so scarred by the breakup and wouldn't ask girls out even when he felt attracted. He also told me that he doesn't do casual sex. Other things... He is on heavy anti depressants and I know those can disrupt sexual functioning. He is very insecure and afraid of rejection. We live in a very liberal community and his best friend is a lesbian, so it's not like he'd be ostracized by his community if he came out. This is probably stupid but I'll just throw it out there: the other day when we were talking about the movie "Lincoln" he told me he had a "man crush on Daniel Day Lewis."
I know anything's possible but am I being ridiculous for worrying? Are there lots of totally straight guys who come off as stereotypically gay in their manner? Could there be other explanations for his sexual hangups? Any other women have experience dating straight guys who come off as gay to strangers? What about women who were with guys who later came out -- what were some of the warning signs you see in hindsight? Would it be a terrible idea to address my concerns?
FYI I have never mentioned anything about this to him, and he doesn't know I thought he was gay at first. I didn't want to hurt him by mentioning it because I'm sure he gets it all the time.