Breaking up with a person when everyone's poly.
December 30, 2012 7:17 PM Subscribe
I'm looking for breakup advice. Male breaking with a female, long-distance in a poly relationship. Special snowflake details inside.
posted by anonymous to human relations (13 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Background: I'm in a poly relationship with three separate girls, who know about each other, but haven't met. Everything's on the table and open. One of them is long-distance - I met her online and we've spent about a week of in-person time together, but we don't live anyhere near. But now I'm starting to feel like I need to leave that relationship.
It's hard to articulate the reasons I feel uncomfortable with the relationship, and I want to be able to break up in the best way possible. I'm worried that this will simply turn into a list of grievances, so I'm hoping MeFites can help me sort out my thoughts and say the right thing.
* I enjoy most conversations with her. The problem is that she starts conversations with me a _lot_ - I end up talking with her far more often than the girlfriends I spend time with in person combined, and she's complained in the past when I didn't want to converse. This makes me uncomfortable - I feel like I should have the reasonable ability to say that I'm busy or just not converse if I want to be able to head out in 10 minutes without jumping out of a conversation. She also asks a lot of questions in conversation, so I can't just let a conversation come to a point that could be a conclusion and head out. I sometimes swear at the computer when I'm trying to do something and she sends me a Facebook message.
* She expects me to share every detail of my day. I really do not like this. I feel like I should be able to keep some events in separate spheres of my life without feeling like I'm trying to hide something.
* She wants to share my interests, but this mostly consists of asking me about them. We don't have many shared experiences, and I don't like feeling that I'm forcefully creating those shared experiences.
* She's implied that I'm her primary (or maybe only) boyfriend. I do not feel like she is my primary, because we've only ever spent a week together, and it bothers me that she's telling people I'm her boyfriend because of its embedded meanings.
* Mostly - and this is the biggest problem - I don't feel like I'm that much into her as a romantic partner anymore. I don't really feel strongly romantic towards anyone, and I think she expects a lot more romance than I can provide.
One event bothered me in particular, but I don't want to share it here because it may be identifiable.
I don't want to just break up - I do enjoy conversations we've had that haven't been about personal lives, and I still want to spend platonic time with her in real life when that's possible. I don't even necessarily want to close off the possibility of a relationship later - we're both still young (barely post-college), and I'm sure we'll be different people in five years.
Throwaway e-mail account: firstname.lastname@example.org.